How do you find and maintain friendships as a child free person?

July 13, 2019

So I am at an age with most people already have children or it's their last opportunity to do so. I am increasingly finding that I have nothing in common with anyone.

People with children have lives that revolve around children. Even when they talk or spend time with me, most of their conversation involves that cute thing their infant did or similar. I find those conversations mind-numbingly boring. A lot of child free people say that they like children. Well, I don't, they annoy me, and anything around pregnancy/raising children/children activities interests me less than any other topic I can think of. So I tend to smile and nod but I am not getting anything out of spending time with these people anymore.

If I redirect to a topic that interests me, like work, the comments I get is "once you have child, nothing else matters" and they go back to children talk. At most they will ask me if I am dating someone. Back in the day when I did online dating, I had a lot of funny stories. Now that I don't date anymore, that topic is out too.

I just want some friends to do fun things with and have enjoyable conversations. Is that possible anymore?

July 13, 2019

No reason why not,

you have to find your tribe I suppose, women who are in the same frame of mind,

perhaps activities like yoga, hiking groups, mindfulness groups,political, business groups, you could meet like minded people,

You are around early 40s I take it, it will probably be easier for you to find the type of company you want in another 10-15 years once your contemporaries have their families raised and so on,

but there should be plenty out there now too if you look a bit harder.

this reminds me a lot of my cousin again, she was on the same wavelength as you not so long ago, she has since made plenty of good female friendships through yoga and health groups,

and she actually met a guy too through one of these although that was not her intention.

July 13, 2019

I have 4 child-free women in my life: 2 of them my sisters (one by choice, one by circumstances), 2 of them my closest friends, age 37 to 45.

All of them have friends with kids, and they don't seem to begrudge it. They also all are involved aunts themselves (my sisters are great with my kids, my friends care about their nieces/nephews and want to know stuff about my kids too, as good friends do).

With my friends, the friendship goes well beyond the kids vs no kids paradigm. We go out one-on-one and talk about politics, our lives, jobs,...

Same with my 'parent' friends, our common points are nothing to do with having kids and we don't speak about them constantly to each other. That would be mind-numbingly boring, as you say, and self-absorbed.

Have you tried telling them you feel alienated by all the kid talk? Genuinely good friends, even new parents, will make the effort to readjust.

July 13, 2019

You are around early 40s I take it, it will probably be easier for you to find the type of company you want in another 10-15 years once your contemporaries have their families raised and so on,

No its not.

They then go onto grandchildren.

I had an older friend with grown up kids and yes it was a bit boring when she got onto the kids, but they had interesting careers and she and I could discuss other wide-ranging topics.

BUT once the grandchildren came along it was non stop grand kids. I had to just give up.

This was a woman with a degree and a good career, reduced to talking nonsense due to grandchildren...

July 13, 2019

With my friends, the friendship goes well beyond the kids vs no kids paradigm. We go out one-on-one and talk about politics, our lives, jobs,...
Same with my 'parent' friends, our common points are nothing to do with having kids and we don't speak about them constantly to each other. That would be mind-numbingly boring, as you say, and self-absorbed.

Trouble is that I guess your idea of keeping kid talk off the menu and that of a childless person's idea of NEVER really discussing kids ever, is miles apart.

People with kids IME, always manage to somehow steer the conversation to kids and whilst that is fine if the audience is receptive, it is a big problem for people who have no real interest in hearing about kids, their toileting, their speaking/walking ability, cute things they say or do, their school, their education, their exploits, etc. etc. Once you have heard one story, they are all the same...

Seems to be a mostly but not wholly a woman thing, men may mention something in passing, women tend to be obsessed...

July 13, 2019

I'm older, 54, and I am fortunate to have a lot of women friends. I'm childless but still have good friendships with women who have children.

The friends that I've met through work or through more structured environments do tend to focus their conversations around their children and grandchildren.

The ones I meet through social activities (hiking, golfing, music, etc.) seem to have more topics of conversation and interests that they enjoy sharing and talking about. We talk about their children at times, but that certainly isn't a main topic of conversation for us.

So I think, as in most things, it depends on the person. Some focus on their children/grandchildren to the exclusion of almost everything else, while some have a wide variety of interests and involvements beyond their children.

I live in a large city, but if you live in a smaller or more rural area you'll probably find more who are focused on their families and children.

July 13, 2019

Trouble is that I guess your idea of keeping kid talk off the menu and that of a childless person's idea of NEVER really discussing kids ever, is miles apart.

Someone who doesn't ever want to discuss a specific subject (kids or something else) is the one with the problem and can't be a good friend at all; to anyone, kids or no kids.

Imagine having to cut out elements of your life to appease such an intolerant person - what kind of a friendship is that?

These people exist for sure - they are the friend-less, lonely ones who can't muster the effort to meet the basic requirement needed to meet someone half-way.

Most other people focus on what they have in common and have a modicum of patience when dealing with their friends, whether they have kids or not. It's not that difficult.

July 13, 2019

Most other people focus on what they have in common and have a modicum of patience when dealing with their friends, whether they have kids or not. It's not that difficult.

No it isn't, but sometimes one has to consciously steer the conversation away from topics the other has no interest in. A person obsessed with hiking or photography or politics or history or any other such interest tends to not bore everyone with it, they employ filters.

They can assume few show the same interest so just shut up about it or say the bare minimum. They seek out true enthusiasts

People with kids however tend to assume every one is as excited about and as interested in their children as much as they are.

Sometimes they get it right, family especially may be very interested but maybe a little caution is required around those who are childless.

Society tends to favour those with children and childless people tend not to want to rock boats or are made to feel bad for not showing interest, so they can end up suffering in silence.

Are some childless people interested in your kids, frankly no, but if you asked them to their face if they are interested they would probably tell you "Yes, of course", as to not be interested in kids is seen as bad if not creepy...

July 13, 2019

..............

July 13, 2019

No it isn't, but sometimes one has to consciously steer the conversation away from topics the other has no interest in. A person obsessed with hiking or photography or politics or history or any other such interest tends to not bore everyone with it, they employ filters.
They can assume few show the same interest so just shut up about it or say the bare minimum. They seek out true enthusiasts

People with kids however tend to assume every one is as excited about and as interested in their children as much as they are.
Sometimes they get it right, family especially may be very interested but maybe a little caution is required around those who are childless.
Society tends to favour those with children and childless people tend not to want to rock boats or are made to feel bad for not showing interest, so they can end up suffering in silence.
Are some childless people interested in your kids, frankly no, but if you asked them to their face if they are interested they would probably tell you "Yes, of course", as to not be interested in kids is seen as bad if not creepy...

100% this. I politely pretend to listen or else I'm seen as a either a monster (how can anyone possibly not be interested in their precious children?) Or I'm seen as jealous because despite saying that I didn't want children since I was 15, it's somehow seen that I probably secretly want children (because how can anyone possibly not want that?). Sigh.

July 13, 2019

Society tends to favour those with children and childless people tend not to want to rock boats or are made to feel bad for not showing interest, so they can end up suffering in silence.

That's a serious issue, one that needs therapy.

I agree that society can be harsh on single, child-free women but if you can't even bear a conversation on the topic of your own family or friends' kids, that not a societal problem.

Are some childless people interested in your kids, frankly no, but if you asked them to their face if they are interested they would probably tell you "Yes, of course", as to not be interested in kids is seen as bad if not creepy...

Am I interested in the minutae of my best friend's career? Absolutely not. Luckily, she has the good sense to spare me the details and I keep kid talks to a minimum. As a single mother, the last thing I want is to talk about my kids anyway.

I mean if it gets to the point where the mere mention of kids makes you flinch, you need to drop the friendship and stay away from people with kids.

Personally, I would not want to censor myself in order to soothe someone with such deep repulsion for children.

July 13, 2019

Idk ES, I understand your point but there seems a bit more to it than simply being bored to tears.

First, if friends are hanging out with you and making conversation that is all about them without consideration of what's happening for you, in your life, then that is an issue of using you as a sounding board without conversational give and take. It's simply rude...regardless of subject.

Secondly, people do love to talk about themselves and their own lives. I let people lead most of the time because it's really the easiest thing to do and have noticed that most people do not like to be interrupted when discussing themselves.

This isn't a 'friend' situation but happens to me a lot...checking out at the register and I commented to the cashier that she is stunning. She is a gorgeous woman, she said thank you and proceeded to tell me about her kids...a daughter in nursing school, another graduating college...etc. All the way to the automatic doors, lol.

It's ok.

I am curious about people, friends included and if they are able to gracefully switch lanes at some point, it's fine, it's not a big deal.

Either your friends really like to hear themselves talk without caring about you or is this a sore spot for you personally and you may be judgemental?

July 13, 2019

It's too bad you feel that way about children ES. I'm marred without children but I love kids I just don't want any. I find it pretty easy to socialize with people who have kids. I like to give cookouts and we're big on games so I tell everyone to bring their kids. I always prepare special foods for the kids as well as set up activities for them. It's fun. People with kids do talk about them a lot because they are proud but; they also keep up with current events, their work, other people, etc. Maybe try changing the subject after you've had enough of them talking about their kids.

July 13, 2019

I just want some friends to do fun things with and have enjoyable conversations. Is that possible anymore?

What about joining some type of single group?

July 13, 2019

It's too bad you feel that way about children ES. I'm marred without children but I love kids I just don't want any. I find it pretty easy to socialize with people who have kids. I like to give cookouts and we're big on games so I tell everyone to bring their kids. I always prepare special foods for the kids as well as set up activities for them. It's fun. People with kids do talk about them a lot because they are proud but; they also keep up with current events, their work, other people, etc. Maybe try changing the subject after you've had enough of them talking about their kids.

This sounds great, I wish I had that attitude. I think I can only find well behaved kids tolerable. Those that scream and wreak havoc (which is majority in my friend circle), irritate me to no end.

July 13, 2019

Just talk about things other than children or get involved in a hobby related social group. Neither one of us have kids and we have plenty of friends.

July 13, 2019

Then make friends with people who do not have young children. Judging your friends when you have no children will not be well received.

You do not like kids or the discussion of kids so you are at an impasse with your 'friends.'

Find a social group that revolves around an activity/hobby of some sort and if any of those people discuss their children tell them you are not here for that.

Seriously Eternal Sunshine, this is an issue of tolerance of other people. Are children the only subject that you find difficult to tolerate?

I have a very good friend who I love everything about her and she does not have children. Smart, funny, interesting as all get out...a really beautiful human being. She married a magnate in Spain.

If you despise children, then make friends without children, good grief. If the conversation needs to be about work on parent's free time or all about kids on yours then get new friends.

There's nothing wrong with not having kids and not being married. As long as you don't treat people with any disrespect, neither will they.

If you feel disrespected by your friends then find new friends; Don't insinuate that they are horrible parents or their children are insufferable because you are annoyed. That won't go over very well.

July 13, 2019

This sounds great, I wish I had that attitude. I think I can only find well behaved kids tolerable. Those that scream and wreak havoc (which is majority in my friend circle), irritate me to no end.

Even those of us who are parents feel this way .

July 13, 2019

IMO, you need a friend with a child that you can bond with and become friends with that child...

I know a childless couple who became close friends with another couple who had kids, they became very close to those kids, even following them thru sports.. going to their games and even being a football coach for a team one season and even today they vacation together, the children in their lives enriched their lives.

The idea that only friends without kids is something you should aspire for is not only short sighted and going to be very difficult to do but not realistic.

Although you can surround yourself with childless friends even many of those have nieces and nephews who they take care on on occasion as well and you will still feel left out..

What about finding a BF with a child that isn't a toddle but a little older ?

July 13, 2019

I think friendships evolve as your life evolves, for the most part, and there is no shame in sometimes losing old friendships and meeting new people whom you have more in common with. Even without the kids/no kids issue, most of us grow apart from many of the people we were friends with in high school. The same thing happens in our 30s and beyond.

Perhaps hobbies that are less likely to involve kids (traveling, games nights, etc) might have more childfree folks?

July 13, 2019

If I redirect to a topic that interests me, like work, the comments I get is "once you have child, nothing else matters" and they go back to children talk.

In OP's defense, if she's getting comments like that then no wonder she has a bad attitude about people with kids.

July 13, 2019

I think you have to both mutually respect what the other is like and both make some concessions. I agree there's nothing more boring than especially little kid talk or baby talk, and the worst of it is they want you to just come to their place and babysit them while they're babysitting their little ones.

But my best friend and I somehow got through it, and it's because she, probably more than me, respected how I wasn't there to see her kids. Now, as they've gotten older, I am way more interested in them. We talk about them quite a bit now that there's something besides growth and poop to them.

So all along, she has found some way to at least have the occasional girl lunch with me, though few and far between, certainly, and I've gone to some of her holidays with family.

Elaine is right about after there's grandkids. It's even worse. But it depends on the person. If they've completely given up their identity and have been just living vicariously through their kids, they will be intolerable with the grandkids even more so. My friend isn't going to let that happen to herself, I don't think.

However, I have lost one very old very good friend the moment she had kids, and I really can't even forgive her for it. Shame on people who do that to dear old friends.

July 15, 2019

Go and find yourself more friends. Don't blame the ones you already have for wanting to talk about their kids. It's normal and good friendships survive such phases

I had my kid in my 20s and none of my friends had kids at that time. They weren't very interested in my baby-related topics. So I found myself a new group of friends (new moms with kids the same age as my daughter). This 2nd circle of friends has become such an important part of my life. Today all my "original friends" are having babies and building families while my daughter is almost a teenager and I don't feel the need to talk about kid-related topics anymore.

So now the "new friends" are the ones I talk to about my dating situation, work etc. Their kids are teenagers now as well, they're all back to working full time, two of them are going through relationship crisis... So yes, it's great to have friends who are at a similar stage in their lifes. But I still love my "original friends" (we met at school and have been friends for most of our lifes) to death and I know that they'll always be a part of my life.

July 15, 2019

Being a good friend means caring about who they care about too.

If you take that out of the equation it’s no wonder why you can’t maintain quality relationships. You’re making people feel like you don’t care about them.

Edited July 15, 2019 by amaysngrace

July 15, 2019

I don’t have kids and over the years some of my friends have got children, some have not. None of them who have kids have gone truly mental talking only about their kids and I have never demanded to treat their kids as those-who-shall-not-be-named.

I think the core issue is that as we get older it gets more difficult to find new friends period. It gets more difficult to integrate new people into your life when you have work and family responsibilities, maintain already existing friendships and want to have some time just for yourself as well. I have some close friends already from high school and some from work and my social circle over the years. Meaningful relationships take time to develop. Many people I have met later in life are rather acquaintances than close friends. With those close friends I have grown together over the years and them having kids is a natural progress that is not a key factor in our friendship. I might not have anything in common with a person with no kids and have a bond with someone who happens to have kids.

Edited July 15, 2019 by bene

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How do you find and maintain friendships as a child free person?

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