beentheredonethat77 Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 Enchanted --Definitely do not contact him again.. ever. If a guy gets to the point where he tells you that you contact too much, he has very little, if any respect for you. He sees you as a nuisance, there is no coming back from that unless you completely go dark on him and he comes to find you. Its hard to know if you really were contacting him too much but the fact you called him 'to ask him something' the very day after he told you he wanted space (even if he had been texting that morning, thats not a call) --- tells me you may have been? Thats very tonedeaf for the situation. Back off, stay quiet and honestly, dump the chump IMO. Next guy though, dont initiate texts, rule of thumb, be less available than he is.
Redhead14 Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 You are your own worst enemy. You cannot harass a man into having a relationship with you. Your other threads show that you do understand what you're doing wrong. Leave this man alone. Stop dating for awhile and get comfortable in your own skin and being with yourself and alone. Learn how to entertain yourself and treat yourself well. Do little things for yourself that you enjoy. Do one little thing each day. Explore new hobbies and interests. You need to focus on just you and your own life as an independent, self-sufficient woman for a while. Tend to your own needs so that you aren't so anxious for and reliant on having a man in your life. Having a man in your life shouldn't be your source of happiness. That's exhausting for anyone. Having a man in your life should only enhance the happiness you already have for and with yourself. If there are things about yourself you aren't quite satisfied about, work on one thing at a time, gradually and revel in the things you are happy about. And, if another man shows interest in you, let him lead for a bit and sit back and observe for a while. Reciprocate but don't initiate very much for a while. If they aren't coming to you in a way that you are satisfied with, so be it. Let them move on. Don't treat a dating partner like he's a boyfriend and hae those kind of expectations until it's clear that's what he is. 4
Maddie82 Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 He's abusive and controlling and making you believe you are at fault. It would be in your interest to give him his time to be alone but make it permenant.
SophieG Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 I'd go with RedHead14 on this one. Yes, it looks like he lost respect for you and he seems to see you as a nuisance. Don't contact him again. But before trying to date again, you should work on yourself because, by your own behavior, you seem to push guys away by smothering them. Learn to be confortable with yourself first, and then, maybe think about adding a man in your life. 1
Beendaredonedat Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 but I feel very strongly that his reaction is due to him having an avoidant attachment issue. If you feel strongly that he has that issue, pray tell why you would keep trying to get him to be the committed, attached man you would like him to be? He's a d-bag and you try to hard to be a d-bag's main squeeze so I guess the answer to your thread question of "Move on, or does he have a point" is: Move on even if he does have a point.
Author enchanted771 Posted July 12, 2019 Author Posted July 12, 2019 I'd go with RedHead14 on this one. Yes, it looks like he lost respect for you and he seems to see you as a nuisance. Don't contact him again. But before trying to date again, you should work on yourself because, by your own behavior, you seem to push guys away by smothering them. Learn to be confortable with yourself first, and then, maybe think about adding a man in your life. I am not perfect, but I don’t feel I was smothering him. We have been talking like this for weeks..he’s controlling and I think he’s really a narcissist. I was playing it cool, but I know it’s not in my head how his behavior changed.
Author enchanted771 Posted July 12, 2019 Author Posted July 12, 2019 If you feel strongly that he has that issue, pray tell why you would keep trying to get him to be the committed, attached man you would like him to be? He's a d-bag and you try to hard to be a d-bag's main squeeze so I guess the answer to your thread question of "Move on, or does he have a point" is: Move on even if he does have a point. I did my own research and I just figured it out recently. Even if he did have a point, it doesn’t give him the right to mistreat me. If something was bugging him, he should have been a man and communicated it to me...he really was not respectful in that aspect. He thinks being passive aggressive and putting me on a time out will give me the hint..
Beendaredonedat Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 I am not perfect, but I don’t feel I was smothering him. We have been talking like this for weeks..he’s controlling and I think he’s really a narcissist. I was playing it cool, but I know it’s not in my head how his behavior changed. Okay, now you're calling him a narcissist on top of attachment avoidant yet you still tried to keep yourself in his life. Do you not see that you need to reflect on why you didn't ditch him much sooner instead of bugging him to set more dates with you? If you think that someone is a narcissist and attachment avoidant, if you are with good self esteem and love of self, you don't try harder to get them. You run like hell away from them. He said not to text him until Monday. I can do better...how about never??!! Yes, how about never. Are you going to listen to yourself or will you cave and text him on Monday? 1
Author enchanted771 Posted July 12, 2019 Author Posted July 12, 2019 He's abusive and controlling and making you believe you are at fault. It would be in your interest to give him his time to be alone but make it permenant. I suspect he’s narcissistic...and the nerve..talking to me like I’m a child? I’m on a time out until Monday because he says so?? He is shady and his behavior is suspicious
Author enchanted771 Posted July 12, 2019 Author Posted July 12, 2019 Okay, now you're calling him a narcissist on top of attachment avoidant yet you still tried to keep yourself in his life. Do you not see that you need to reflect on why you didn't ditch him much sooner instead of bugging him to set more dates with you? If you think that someone is a narcissist and attachment avoidant, if you are with good self esteem and love of self, you don't try harder to get them. You run like hell away from them. Yes, how about never. Are you going to listen to yourself or will you cave and text him on Monday? I get it..it’s why I’m seeing a professional next week I have abandonment issues from childhood. He knows this..which is why when he doesn’t like how I’m “behaving” he will threaten abandonment. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 I get it..it’s why I’m seeing a professional next week I have abandonment issues from childhood. He knows this..which is why when he doesn’t like how I’m “behaving” he will threaten abandonment. Since we're throwing around labels and diagnoses, maybe you have borderline personality disorder (fear of abandonment is a biggie with that one). So, we have a narcissist and a borderline according to Dr. LS. Not a good match. I suggest you move on. 2
BaileyB Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 We have been talking like this for weeks... That’s the problem... this has gone on far too long already. It’s time to move on...
Author enchanted771 Posted July 12, 2019 Author Posted July 12, 2019 That’s the problem... this has gone on far too long already. It’s time to move on... yes, but what I meant is the frequency. One he claimed was too much except for when he is initiating it..
Author enchanted771 Posted July 12, 2019 Author Posted July 12, 2019 Since we're throwing around labels and diagnoses, maybe you have borderline personality disorder (fear of abandonment is a biggie with that one). So, we have a narcissist and a borderline according to Dr. LS. Not a good match. I suggest you move on. Dr LS? I do think I’m borderline
BaileyB Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 yes, but what I meant is the frequency. One he claimed was too much except for when he is initiating it.. It doesn’t matter. If you want a relationship that is NOT full of drama, you need to let this go... you are only perpetuating the drama now.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 Dr LS? I do think I’m borderline Dr. Loveshack 1
basil67 Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 we started seeing eachother again and we did not have sex. Everything was great. Not having sex - everything was great. How do you explain this contradiction? 1
Versacehottie Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 I am not perfect, but I don’t feel I was smothering him. We have been talking like this for weeks..he’s controlling and I think he’s really a narcissist. I was playing it cool, but I know it’s not in my head how his behavior changed. If this is true, then why do you want to be with him? Also I think he knows who he is dealing with. While i don't thinking speaking to you in that way is cool, it does seem like you aren't respecting boundaries and have kind of bait and switch type mentality. Even with us: if you wanted this subject to be viewed correctly and in total, you would keep the thread in one rather than start new threads. I think you are looking for sympathy and people to tell you you are justified, which they would probably not say if you kept all the thread together. Like someone said above, you can't bully someone into a relationship. You are becoming a nuisance. His perspective is all that matters because if he doesn't allow you access to himself, you can't proceed. I'd say in the future you should back off a bit and let people pursue you. Also defining a guy who you are just seeing with "attachment avoidant" is pretty much a sure fire way to get him to dump you. Sorry, this is just too pushy. And again, if is a narcissist, WHY exactly do you want to date him? 1
The Outlaw Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 Sadly, that's just some people in general these days. It's either one way or the other. This isn't going to go anywhere if he snaps at you for simply trying to make conversation to keep the relationship going. Some people are only into you when it's convenient for them. Feeds the ego. But when they're not, you'll sometimes get the typical angry, short sentenced, constipated response. Be rid of him.
Author enchanted771 Posted July 12, 2019 Author Posted July 12, 2019 Not having sex - everything was great. How do you explain this contradiction? not good
preraph Posted July 13, 2019 Posted July 13, 2019 He knows a clinger when he sees one coming. You're out of bounds insisting on things with him and he's not very interested in you at all.
chillii Posted July 13, 2019 Posted July 13, 2019 Yep , sorry to say but that's about it. Your makin all these labels and excuses for him but unfortunately the truth is your just driving him a bit crazy and he's just not into you enough. You really have to get out of this it can't go anywhere anyway , do some thinking about yourself and when your ready find someone that's into you properly.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 13, 2019 Posted July 13, 2019 It is irresponsible to attempt to diagnose or label this man as a narcissist or avoidant when you're not qualified to do so, OP. It also glosses over your own accountability here. I am not suggesting he is an angel. We don't have enough to information about him, and it does take two to make or break a healthy dynamic. However, you are awfully quick to lay blame on him, without really looking at yourself. You say you know you become too pushy, and yet you have come up with several reasons to justify your behaviour. My sense is that you know you "should" take some responsibility but you don't really feel that you have much to do with this. He is done. He is within his rights to not want to continue dating, as are you. Let this be a turning point so you can get a better handle on your own emotions and learn to soothe yourself when feel anxious or insecure. 5
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