Grey Area or Semantics

[Versacehottie]

It's one thing if you choose not to multi-date and entirely a different matter to require the same from someone else. None of what you're asking for says "I am thick skinned" ... Perception matters more then reality. This says "I am type-a, possibly controlling, jaded, needy or even desperate.

 

The perception you're creating puts you on an uphill battle from the first minute. I am not even entirely sure why you think doing this saves time because it doesn't. People will see what they want to see until they're justified.

 

Totally agree. It is the opposite of saving time. How in the world are you saving time if you are limiting both yourself and the person you are dating to stop dating others? You're putting a FREEZE on a natural dating process and yeah I agree uphill battle from the getgo. I'm telling you the perception from all the girls I know would be bad, really bad. You would look like a loser (sorry, just keeping it real) and all real interest in you would be gone from that request. The alternative is that anyone who agrees to this arrangement is gonna act like you are all in! So it's a lose-lose. There is no way to gauge genuine interest and to have both a gas pedal and a brake.

 

I realize that we are probably very different but I don't know a single girl who would agree to this. Even if she was attracted to you, she'd have to be very obsessed with the physical and what you can offer up in terms of whirlwind romance (for the friends of mine that have ended up in situations like this though it wasn't REQUIRED). Can you offer that up? Nothing you said has given me that impression at all.

 

You are using this rule to compensate for whatever you lack in keeping a woman there and dating only you because SHE WANTS TO.

 

It feels like a trap and the natural thing people want to do is escape a trap & wonder what is deficient about you to do this. I'm 100% serious. (psychologically speaking though without the terminology).

 

I can tell from your last post that you have justified it in your head. I will just reiterate it's a big mistake.

 

The truth is, i'm guessing from the tone you've given off, is that if a woman is on a date with you there is a chance for real and you don't need to say this. I think most women, even with a ton of options, can really only manage a couple at the most, because their hearts lean one way or another pretty quickly. That's why if you are feeling a person, all you need to do is speed up dating her because you feel GOOD about her, not because you don't know and have come up with your own goofy and flawed algorithm. Jeez. What a mess.

[Logo]

Multidating is primarily a US thing, the rest of the world managed perfectly well without it but it seems to be pervasive unfortunately..

It suits those of a non-monogamous persuasion, hence its popularity.

 

There must be a connection between consumerism, the abundance of options and this multidating ****. Hey it's Black Friday we're having a sale on single men and women

 

But I could be wrong. When I go on a date with a person and I click with her, then I want to go on a second date. If by the fourth date there are no red flags and I'm still into her and want to continue getting to know her, then there's no need for me to multidate.

 

Why is that concept so hard for multidaters to understand? I think multidating is a product of OLD and it's seeped into real life to the point that partners are becoming disposable to their significant others.

Edited July 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Logo]

if a woman is on a date with you there is a chance for real and you don't need to say this. I think most women, even with a ton of options, can really only manage a couple at the most, because their hearts lean one way or another pretty quickly.

 

You're operating under the assumption that these women know what they want, that they are sincere about finding romance, that they are not swayed by the shallow and the superficial. I'd love to date one of these perfect women whose hearts lean one way or another pretty quickly.

 

What heart? Have you seen what's on OLD? You're romanticizing something that doesn't exist.

Edited July 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[DrNo1962]

There must be a connection between consumerism, the abundance of options and this multidating ****. .....

 

Multi-dating has been happening for aeons, well before OLD. It is a symptom of a secular society that liberated sex in the 60's and brought contraception into the mainstream.

 

If you're not a fan of it, move to a strictly religious country where forced marriages are the norm.

Edited July 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Logo]

"It is a symptom of a secular society that liberated sex in the 60's and brought contraception into the mainstream. "

 

 

Histrionically you are mistaken. The sexual revolution did not imply multidating. Most women at the time changed partners frequently but didn't engage with partners simulationsly.

 

 

As for your other comments, they're not worth a response. Spare me the "If you're not a fan move to ....." claptrap.

Edited July 16, 2019 by Logo

[Curiousroxy86]

 

But I could be wrong. When I go on a date with a person and I click with her, then I want to go on a second date. If by the fourth date there are no red flags and I'm still into her and want to continue getting to know her, then there's no need for me to multidate. Why is that concept so hard for multidaters to understand?

 

I think multidating is a product of OLD and it's seeped into real life to the point that partners are becoming disposable to their significant others.

 

As a multi dater I fully understand. It is you who feel like it’s somehow different for us as well. As prw excellently illustrated. Multi dating doesn’t always mean we juggle multiple people at once. Sometimes we may talk to one person. Sometimes it’s more than one. If we click with someone, there will be consistent dates with that same person after, and another and another. We will naturally focus on a person that we like and shows promise. And like I told oats as a multi dater that wants to be in a long term relationship they may start out talking to multiple people but end up focusing on one till exclusivity because that one clicked and showed promise. They may start out clicking and focusing on one and because that one started to be a little flaky decided to talk to someone else or multiple people.

 

And for me personally I multi dated in college before I got into online dating after college. It happened naturally. Focusing on one guy instant boyfriend after establishing we liked each other type dating was high school for me.

Edited July 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Totally agree with Michelle. OP, while in your agreed upon scenario I think continuing to pursue guys and talk to them is technically against the "rules" as you have set up--well leaning same way as you with that--I think it is a totally unrealistic and stupid agreement to set up. It is so rigid I might drop you on the spot. It's like you don't have leniency for anything that is not your way and the way you believe on something somewhat arbitrary--well at least it is not necessarily the determining factor if you will get chosen when you demand no multi-dating. ......

 

This is very true! I had one guy get really upset w/me because I was talking to several other guys. He had only started messaging me. I used to not believe in multi dating until I got burned/flaked on way too many times. By multi dating (I wasn't into hooking up though), I never got attached. This doesn't mean I treated the guys bad, I would let them know if I wasn't interested. Once I went on a few dates w/my current partner, I stopped talking to all the other guys. When you multi date, you can still respect the other people by not leading them on.

Edited July 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[basil67]

I'm reading all of this stuff about multi dating meaning not wasting time etc. What's the rush? Would it really kill you to wait a few weeks between people? Multi dating reeks of desperation.

 

Back in the old days, we'd date perhaps 3-4 people per year. Sometimes more, sometimes less and somehow still end up in love and married. More isn't necessarily better.

[Versacehottie]

This is very true! I had one guy get really upset w/me because I was talking to several other guys. He had only started messaging me. I used to not believe in multi dating until I got burned/flaked on way too many times. By multi dating (I wasn't into hooking up though)' date=' I never got attached. This doesn't mean I treated the guys bad, I would let them know if I wasn't interested. Once I went on a few dates w/my current partner, I stopped talking to all the other guys. When you multi date, you can still respect the other people by not leading them on.[/quote']

 

Bolded^^^ this is pretty much what the OP is suggesting to his dates and/or trying to prevent by getting them to commit to his cockamamy plan.

 

Logo--don't know what to say to you. I think you are misreading into what i'm saying and what the OP has said. Sounds like you are still fine with knowing what you want to do 3 dates or so into dating someone--that is essentially a version of multi-dating that i think is fine and realistic to expect is going on and imagine this a time saver. OP, is suggesting first off to just focus on one another from the jump. Which is just silly. And then monitoring dating apps to notice that someone is online, which means he's accessing his app.

 

Anyway getting someone to commit to not dating others over for an undetermined amount of time when you don't really know each other well enough to ask or demand that of one another does nothing to increase the likelihood that you will be successful with that person, i.e. a waste of time and breath IMO. You're welcome to doing it your way but as someone mentioned above, I'm pretty sure it's not working. Good luck anyway.

[Gretchen12]

I'm reading all of this stuff about multi dating meaning not wasting time etc. What's the rush? Would it really kill you to wait a few weeks between people? Multi dating reeks of desperation.

 

Back in the old days, we'd date perhaps 3-4 people per year. Sometimes more, sometimes less and somehow still end up in love and married. More isn't necessarily better.

 

Basil67, when I read the posts from people who advocate multidating, they are not doing it to save time or to desperately find someone asap. Somewhere in the post, the person often mentions multidating as a way to not obsess over someone, not become vulnerable and not get hurt. I think the idea is that if you have several love interests going on at the same time then you're "safe" from rejection because there's always someone else that you can immediately go to for attention and feel good. It's a variant of going online to get over a breakup.

 

I think back in the old days, as you say, you actually have more chance of ending up in love and married because you take a risk and let yourself be vulnerable.

[Gretchen12]

As a multi dater I fully understand. It is you who feel like it’s somehow different for us as well. As prw excellently illustrated. Multi dating doesn’t always mean we juggle multiple people at once. Sometimes we may talk to one person......

 

I'd say you're multi meeting, not multi dating. To me multi dating means having romance with more than one person. By its very nature, online dating is always multi meeting. I am sure the OP also talked to multiple people before dating the one he wants to focus on.

Edited July 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[basil67]

the person often mentions multidating as a way to not obsess over someone, not become vulnerable and not get hurt. I think the idea is that if you have several love interests going on at the same time then you're "safe" from rejection because there's always someone else that you can immediately go to for attention and feel good. It's a variant of going online to get over a breakup.

 

I think back in the old days, as you say, you actually have more chance of ending up in love and married because you take a risk and let yourself be vulnerable.

 

Yes, going online to get over a breakup is a behaviour which I find appalling. Using someone else to get over a heartbreak just adds to the amount of using and heartbreak all around. Alternately, it's the actions of someone who can't be alone.

 

I wonder if trying to avoid rejection and heartbreak is part of the reason there are so many chronically singles. Those who don't take a risk never achieve the desired outcome.

[central]

I don't think what you're asking is doable for women.

 

Women get a lot of messages and set up more dates than men. I could easily set up 2 dates per week with 2 different guys, each week. If I came across you on Monday I probably had already 2 dates planed for the following days. How do I go about that? I cancel them? You come across women 1 at a time, we come across men 10s at a time.

 

I think it's more viable to have a rule like no multi-dating after 3 dates. At least you had time to make up your mind on who you click better with.

 

^ This. As a man, I multi-dated whenever the opportunity existed. It is simply more efficient and effective, and I would know within a few dates if someone was a match worthy of exclusivity. Early dating is for screening; beyond that it's for exploring a greater connection.

 

If not for multi-dating, I wouldn't have met my best relationships and I wouldn't have met my wife. They were all multi-dating as well. When a good connection is clear early on, you'll both know what to do. If it isn't, then expecting exclusivity right away seems like you're trying to force a connection by limiting other options. And I think it is completely unrealistic to expect anyone to stop communicating with others while you're in the early dating phases. If they want to do that, great!

[OatsAndHall]

Anyway getting someone to commit to not dating others over for an undetermined amount of time

 

 

 

 

No, it isn't an "undetermined amount of time"; I ask them for two more dates after the first one; three dates total. Believe it or not, this hasn't been an unreasonable request for the vast majority of women that I have dated. They're more than willing to see one person for a week or so and then see how things are going. The conversation is simple; assuming the first date went well, then I bring it up:

 

 

"Look, this has been fun but I need you to know that I only date one person at a time and I only date women who do the same. So, shall we give this a couple of dates without seeing other people and see how it goes? If not, I understand."

 

 

 

On a side note, in this particular situation, I logged into the app to report a nasty phishing scheme that was going on. My profile was hidden but, somehow, I was still getting spam/phishing messages that were popping up in my email. I thought I had been hacked. I logged in, went to my inbox to report the messages and saw that she had been online. I didn't cyber stalk her.

Edited July 16, 2019 by OatsAndHall

[Curiousroxy86]

I'm reading all of this stuff about multi dating meaning not wasting time etc. What's the rush? Would it really kill you to wait a few weeks between people? Multi dating reeks of desperation.

 

Back in the old days, we'd date perhaps 3-4 people per year. Sometimes more, sometimes less and somehow still end up in love and married. More isn't necessarily better.

 

well for me im not exactly in a rush. I let things play out organically. but I cant speak for anybody else but my logic is this when I date. I want to be in a long term relationship. I am going to choose a guy I find compatible. I know there are going to be an unknown number of guys who are not compatible. I dont see the point of focusing on any one particular guy who is a stranger. I dont know if he is right or wrong for me. I dont know anything. so why would I/should I focus on him? on some unwritten principal? I will focus on him if and when we click AND he shows consistency/compatibility. but I have the option not to focus if there is no "clicking" and/or "consistency" or "compatibility" happening at that moment of time. so its not so much speed I dont think. I think its just more so logic. its just being selective is all.

[Curiousroxy86]

Basil67, when I read the posts from people who advocate multidating, they are not doing it to save time or to desperately find someone asap. Somewhere in the post, the person often mentions multidating as a way to not obsess over someone, not become vulnerable and not get hurt.

 

its not THE reason for me but I do think its a benefit for many who tend to get caught up on one person they hardly know

[Curiousroxy86]

No, it isn't an "undetermined amount of time"; I ask them for two more dates after the first one; three dates total. Believe it or not, this hasn't been an unreasonable request for the vast majority of women that I have dated. They're more than willing to see one person for a week or so and then see how things are going. The conversation is simple; assuming the first date went well, then I bring it up:

 

 

 

do you oats. but keep in mind you were the one who admitted that women were agreeing to your standards but kept ghosting you. whatever you choose though good luck anyway.

[OatsAndHall]

do you oats. but keep in mind you were the one who admitted that women were agreeing to your standards but kept ghosting you. whatever you choose though good luck anyway.

 

 

Thanks, Curious. The advice on this thread hasn't fallen on deaf ears, trust me. You're right, I do get ghosted on occasion but actually on a less frequent basis. I think this is mainly due to the fact that I've become a decent "first-dater"; we have a good time on that first date so the "heat of the moment" makes them feel comfortable with what I propose.

 

 

 

But, I am re-thinking things in retrospect as I generally end up with a minimum of two-three dates with women, regardless of how I approach it. And, more often than not, I am the one that pulls the plug for one reason of another. So, having these "protocols" in place may be a waste of time.

 

 

 

The dating world now is fairly alien to me in comparison to what it was when I was younger and I'm trying to adapt. Multi-dating wasn't really a thing, even in the early days of OLD. Only seeing one person at a time was basically an unspoken rule.

[Tamfana]

-When I go on a date with a person and I click with her, then I want to go on a second date. If by the fourth date there are no red flags and I'm still into her and want to continue getting to know her, then there's no need for me to multidate. -

 

That's what most people do, I believe. I don't consider that objectionable, after all it's what I do and what the men I met online did. There's obviously not a clear shared definition of multi-dating. The curse of ill-defined words: people ague about whether something's good or bad without even defining exactly what it is first.

[Curiousroxy86]

I'd say you're multi meeting, not multi dating. To me multi dating means having romance with more than one person. By its very nature, online dating is always multi meeting. I am sure the OP also talked to multiple people before dating the one he wants to focus on.

 

yea I dont believe in trying to be romantic with multiple people. some of us multi daters are looking to be in an exclusive relationship. I think the confusion is that people who think of multi dating thinks its all one thing. people think trying to be a player or something. for some it really is that way and for others its just another way to go about getting to exclusivity. what you describe as multi-meeting is what others call multi dating.

 

but I understood that op was expecting the woman to focus on him only at the beginning meeting stage which is why many of us was like huh

[salparadise]

The conversation is simple; assuming the first date went well, then I bring it up:

"Look, this has been fun but I need you to know that I only date one person at a time and I only date women who do the same. So, shall we give this a couple of dates without seeing other people and see how it goes? If not, I understand."

 

I can't imagine saying that after one date, not even knowing for certain is there's going to be a second. I feel the same way about multi-dating, but that's awfully quick to ask for exclusivity, even if temporary. After sex would seem to be the time to bring it up, and then you have health risks to help justify it in addition to presumably having advanced beyond pleased-to-meet-you.

 

There is also an intuitive aspect that seems to work for me. I can just tell. At the beginning of my previous relationship she quit logging into the website after our first date, and I could see that. She knew I'd notice. After we had sex she took the profile down altogether. These were signals that I received loud and clear, and I really appreciated it. I mentioned that she had closed the profile and she just smiled, and I told her that I'd closed mine too. We never did have a more explicit exclusivity agreement, but we had a clear understanding. (I know, people on here say there is no such thing unless it's clearly articulated, but I bet to differ.)

 

Admittedly there is not much worse than having a good first date and then seeing her active 24/7. The few times that happened I just let'em go. Any woman who thinks I'd respond positively to that stuff just doesn't get it. But my assumption is if that's what they're doing, they wouldn't care.

 

First date is all about whether there's going to be kissing, one thing at a time.

[preraph]

Multi-dating has been happening for aeons, well before OLD. It is a symptom of a secular society that liberated sex in the 60's and brought contraception into the mainstream.

 

If you're not a fan of it, move to a strictly religious country where forced marriages are the norm.

 

I'm 66. My sister was dating in the 50s, before birth control. So I can attest to things going back that far.

 

In the 50s, kids multidated as the norm! What they didn't do was sleep with them. They dated to get to know them. You'd see one girl out with one guy one night at the drive-in and there the next night with another. Multidating was the norm even before birth control, just not with intercourse involved. At some point, a couple would maybe go steady and then be exclusive.

 

Then BC came around early 60s and gradually people began multidating and having sex. Young people in high school were pretty much multidating the same as it was done in the 50s because no one was looking to get pregnant, and they mostly still were not having sex. I can count on my hand the number of high school couples who probably had sex while still in high school in the 60s, and they were going steady.

 

The older '60s people, in their 20s were the ones most likely to be having sex and multidating. Some people were still more "one at a time" while others, unfettered by pregnancy or disease, multidated until and unless they found someone and settled into a relationship. The late 60s and 70s is when the full impact of birth control was really becoming mainstream. You didn't hear "going steady" anymore. You heard "living together." There just wasn't much talk on the part of men wanting to lock one woman down when there were so many out there to date and have sex with. Women were far more likely to start wanting commitment, but a lot of men were having too good a time to be in a hurry to do that.

 

Not all people were part of this equation, of course. Hence, the cliche "beautiful people." The "strugglers" were more stragglers. They didn't necessarily reap the benefits of the time, but they weren't stuck like a rat on a wheel like so many are today because pretty much everyone had some social skills and didn't have the option of holing up avoiding people.

 

And men weren't nearly so picky about body type back then either. Big boobs on a thin body was a very rare commodity found mostly in the magazines.

 

Oh, and it really wasn't called dating anymore. It was hanging out. There wasn't a lot of money spent.

Edited July 16, 2019 by preraph

[OatsAndHall]

I can't imagine saying that after one date, not even knowing for certain is there's going to be a second. I feel the same way about multi-dating, but that's awfully quick to ask for exclusivity, even if temporary. After sex would seem to be the time to bring it up, and then you have health risks to help justify it in addition to presumably having advanced beyond pleased-to-meet-you.

 

 

That is what I say after a possible second date has been mentioned by either of us. Sometimes it happens at the tail end of the first date, other times it's via text/message later on. If the first date was alright but nothing to write home about, I bring this up after a good second date and a third has been planned.

[Curiousroxy86]

peragraph thats not around my time but I remember hearing stories about older people multi dating so when I hear people act like its a recent thing or an online thing im like

[Tamfana]

How many dates do you have before pulling the plug if they haven't been anything to write home about?

I'd stop after the first.