Grey Area or Semantics

[OatsAndHall]

So, I don't multi-date and I don't see women who do. I don't multi-date as I know I have missed out on some quality dates and some potential relationships by doing so. I don't judge multi-daters but I won't see them because, more often than not, I get tossed on the Rolodex which is just a waste of time.

 

I s'pose what I'm asking for is short-term exclusivity; go out a few times and see if things click. It's generally pretty apparent if things are going to work out within the first three-four dates. If they don't, no harm-no foul, we go our separate ways. If it does, then great, we're good to go. Setting this as a deal-breaker for me has kept my sanity during the dating process. I used to multi-date and see multi-daters and it was just a PITA for me.

 

But, is it a grey area or just semantics when a person has agreed to this short term exclusivity but they're still chatting with other people via the OLD sites? And, let's operate under the assumption that you're almost positive that they're only seeing you as they brought it up as one of their deal-breakers on the first date?

 

I'm a little bit torn on how to handle this one. Technically, we're only seeing each other physically but they're on the OLD sites and either probing for other potential suitors or they're setting up Plan B in case it doesn't work out. Now they're free to do so as we're technically only seeing one another physically. But, I don't know how comfortable I am dating them as it feels contrary to what was discussed.

Edited July 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[introverted1]

I don't multi-date and I don't OLD, so I can't really speak to that except to say that it seems like "multi chatting" is a form of multi dating. I mean... the reason I don't multi date is because I like to give one person a full go. As you point out, it only takes a few dates to see if there's something there or not. But I don't think I could be dating guy A and talking to B, C, D, etc. and still be in a position to give A my full attention.

[Gaeta]

I don't think what you're asking is doable for women.

 

 

Women get a lot of messages and set up more dates than men. I could easily set up 2 dates per week with 2 different guys, each week. If I came across you on Monday I probably had already 2 dates planed for the following days. How do I go about that? I cancel them? You come across women 1 at a time, we come across men 10s at a time.

 

 

 

I think it's more viable to have a rule like no multi-dating after 3 dates. At least you had time to make up your mind on who you click better with.

[preraph]

I was the same as you in where my comfort level was, and maybe for a different reason. I figure if they aren't even focused on me for long enough to get to know me, they're either unfocused period or not that interested in me. But I never found a man who really went along with it or was all that focused.

 

When I'm interested in someone, I am very focused on them until something makes me decide they're not right for me. I just have an ego thing where if that's not reciprocal, I get insulted and just think their playbook is always going to be open.

 

With online dating, seems like no one is focused and you are probably going to have to go with the flow, work toward getting someone interesting and then early on maybe just discuss that once we both down the line would decide to be exclusive, at that point, are we both willing to get off dating sites.

[Michelle ma Belle]

As much as I understand and respect your point of you, I really don't think you can ask someone to pull down their profile and effectively put a full stop to any and all communications with other people while you both 'figure it out'. Seems like a pretty big ask and expectation at such an early stage.

 

If you're a half-decent looking man or women, you're bound to get attention online. The challenge then becomes trying to weed out the time-wasters for the ones who have some potential but that all takes time and patience.

 

Weeding out the multi-daters and finding someone who is comfortable giving you some kind of verbal confirmation that they are only seeing you physically at such an early start is one thing. Actually keeping their word? Meh...I highly doubt it.

 

 

You could argue that just like you felt you missed out on some quality dates and some potential relationships by doing multi-dating, there is also a good chance of missing out on the same by putting someone on ice for however long or short.

 

I've been on the both ends of that scenario. It's not so easy and doesn't always turn out the way you envision or intended.

 

I think asking for a bigger commitment after date 2 or 3 is much more realistic. Anything before that, no.

[Curiousroxy86]

my problem with the one at a time thing means you really have to hope the other person will actually do that...and putting that much trust/faith/expectation..whatever you want to call it...on someone you just met doesnt really make sense to me

 

I dont doubt there isnt people like that out there. but you dont know that from meeting the person you are attracted to if they are that one a time type of woman/man at the beginning

 

I mean I did the one at a time from the start when I was dating in highschool lol and the only reason was because I assumed that the guy I liked who showed me he likes me back was only talking to me. I was just naive....

 

focusing on a person just makes much more sense as you gotten to know them and been on dates and really show each other that your focused and not from the jump

 

but I mean do you

[Happy Lemming]

Just my opinion here, but I think you are splitting hairs.

 

Chatting / e-mailing isn't dating. She picked you to go on a physical date with, so you impressed her enough to jump from the cyber world to the real world. How many people chat and e-mail on OLD without ever meeting?? From the threads I've read, it sounds like quite a few.

 

Now if she started talking or bragging about the other men she was seeing while on a date with you, then I'd bail. I had one woman tell me about all the dates she had been on that week and how I compared. I thought that was out of line and I didn't see her again.

[Versacehottie]

Totally agree with Michelle. OP, while in your agreed upon scenario I think continuing to pursue guys and talk to them is technically against the "rules" as you have set up--well leaning same way as you with that--I think it is a totally unrealistic and stupid agreement to set up. It is so rigid I might drop you on the spot. It's like you don't have leniency for anything that is not your way and the way you believe on something somewhat arbitrary--well at least it is not necessarily the determining factor if you will get chosen when you demand no multi-dating.

 

The rigidness may be foreshadowing of what is to come with you and is probably affecting your dating prospects. I know you're not going to not be who you are but try to move it a little the other way on the spectrum.

 

Not only that, it would seem possessive and smothering like you are completely overstepping. And you are doing it because you feel burned by past situations like you are not the guy who wins and people waste your time--so that doesn't project much good info about you onto the person you are trying to arm twist into this arrangement. And then if you took it a step further and were monitoring dating app activity, wow. WhoTF is agreeing to this? Lol, this may explain why you are unsatisfied with your dating, just saying.

 

I think if you are getting physical then you can ask for this arrangement and that can be the reason otherwise you are pushing it. Wonder why you don't see that doing the same thing over and over is not working. I just think you need to speed up the real relationship aspect not force faux relationship requirements onto a not yet real relationship. My two cents.

[kendahke]

If you're not comfortable, that's valid enough of a reason for you to take whatever action you feel is warranted.

 

Does she know that you draw the line at dating multi-daters?

[OatsAndHall]

I used to operate with a "three date rule" that has been described; if things clicked after three dates, I asked them for a higher level of commitment before moving forward. This backfired on me continually and I was told I was "being pushy" or "moving too fast" a few times. Bear in mind, this was after three quality dates and the women's actions showed a strong mutual attraction. This gets my hackles up as I do everything I can to avoid "being pushy" or "move too fast", emotionally, physically or otherwise.I have a pretty thick skin but those two phrases or mutations of them bother. I did have women agree to ditch the sites and move on but I was ghosted the majority of the time. I have no issue being ghosted as it's certainly preferable to basically being told that I'm being a creep.

 

 

 

Laying out the the "I don't see multi-daters" has just worked out well for me. It's thrown out as a deal-breaker in the first date and it has a business-venture vibe to it. I have only had a handful of women decline to continue seeing me after I lay this out and it was amicable. Generally, they're willing to give up dating other people for a few more dates after it's discussed.

 

 

 

I don't know, the dating world in RL and via OLD is so much different than it was even a decade ago. I'm still trying to navigate it without becoming jaded. Back then, if someone agreed to see me, these things didn't need to be discussed; we went out a few times, didn't see other people and either worked out or it didn't. Hell, I remember dating two women for a few weeks that I met in RL when I was in my late twenties, they found out about each other and both of them ripped me a new one and called it off.

[Versacehottie]

I don't think your rules work. They are arbitrary and not based on what is really going on with each individual, nor the reality of where you guys would be at having just met each other off a dating site.

 

You are acting majorly jaded with this stuff. And how does that make you thick skinned exactly? You are just setting up temporary arrangements where you don't feel blown off or jealous--it's not changing the reality that in the end you keep getting dumped. It's super pushy. And screams desperado.

 

I think even a decent woman who was effectively going to be dating you exclusively (as her own business and way she deals with her dating) and not multi-dating would be offended by this or object to the suggestion or YOU for having suggested it. You don't seem young so how hard can it be to speed things up and lock the woman down if you guys are the right ones for each other?

 

Like you said, your other similar tactic backfired on you. I think it's the same tactic wrapped up in a different bow. TBH, if i remember your other threads correctly, possessiveness and rigid rules has been a problem even when you do find yourself in a relationship. Sorry to be harsh but I think you are worrying about molehills when you should be worrying about mountains.

[PRW]

So, I don't multi-date and I don't see women who do.

Next thing you know, you will have wasted the best years of your life and gotten nowhere.

 

I get tossed on the Rolodex which is just a waste of time.

Who cares? It's irrelevant.

 

I s'pose what I'm asking for is short-term exclusivity

No such thing. That is a fantasy.

 

I used to multi-date and see multi-daters and it was just a PITA for me.

Then you just piled on too many at once,... more than you had the resources to handle. It only takes two "options" to be considered multi-dating. I think you also miss the point and think that people who multi-date have this big list of dates they ask out all the time. Non-sense, sometimes they may only have one option at the moment. Multi-dating is also a frame of mind where you always keep reminding yourself that IF you wanted to, you have the FREEDOM to date another,...even if you are choosing not to at the moment, or just don't have the option at the moment. Keeping this frame of mind is how you keep from being needy, clingy, and over-invested in someone too soon. It helps sway that temptation to think everyone you meet is "The One". No one is "The One" until they actually are.

 

when a person has agreed to this short term exclusivity

Forget that idea and don't be asking people to do that. That itself makes you look needy, fearful, and insecure because you are basically asking them to not allow there to be any competition for you,...to "stack the deck" for you, because you fear that if you had competition you would surely lose.

 

but they're still chatting with other people via the OLD sites?

Because they still have the frame of mind of Multi-dating,...like they smartly ought to be. Why should they put the brakes on their progress to help you have an advantage of "no competition"? What you should be doing is the same thing they are doing.

[elaine567]

Multidating is primarily a US thing, the rest of the world managed perfectly well without it but it seems to be pervasive unfortunately..

It suits those of a non-monogamous persuasion, hence its popularity.

[Tamfana]

I can see why you do it the way you do, but I agree with the posters above who said that someone shouldn’t shut down a profile and cease communicating with other people too early, I’d say before some foundation has been built and you’re both confident that you want to be exclusive. That takes time. I admit that I'd also back away if an OLD date wanted to shut down our profiles and be exclusive so early on.

[Stillits]

I'm from Europe, thankfully, where multi-dating isn't as common. Still, on dating apps and sites, the array of options available to people at all times make them seem unfocused and I think they have a hard time settling on any one thing. I don't function well in this setting, as I just don't have the social energy to try to get to know, let alone meet up on dates/allow a connection to form, (with) more than one person at the time - thus I've chosen not to use dating sites (and will probably be single forever )

[Curiousroxy86]

Prw broke it down best for you op...think about it

[Curiousroxy86]

Multidating is primarily a US thing, the rest of the world managed perfectly well without it but it seems to be pervasive unfortunately..

It suits those of a non-monogamous persuasion, hence its popularity.

 

Then you just piled on too many at once,... more than you had the resources to handle. It only takes two "options" to be considered multi-dating. I think you also miss the point and think that people who multi-date have this big list of dates they ask out all the time. Non-sense, sometimes they may only have one option at the moment. Multi-dating is also a frame of mind where you always keep reminding yourself that IF you wanted to, you have the FREEDOM to date another,...even if you are choosing not to at the moment, or just don't have the option at the moment. Keeping this frame of mind is how you keep from being needy, clingy, and over-invested in someone too soon. It helps sway that temptation to think everyone you meet is "The One". No one is "The One" until they actually are.

 

Op you don’t have to approach multi dating like some loose person who can’t commit and gets around

 

You can ask the girl who have actually shown you that she is worth it to be your exclusive girlfriend at the right time. Until that happens say you get to know girl and she shows promise at the start. You don’t gave to talk to another girl if she consistently shows promise. Say she begans to respond inconsistently or flaky. Well your not her boyfriend so theeeen open yourself up to someone else.

 

Or

 

You can talk to multiple girls and the one who shows promise you begin to focus and as long as she shows promise you continue to focus and if it’s the right time rightfully ask for actual exclusivity. If she began to flake before hand welll then talk to someone else

 

You don’t have to use multi dating in a player like way. You can utilize it in a way that will help you be selective in choosing someone who is right for you instead of pressuring a stranger to be exclusive and instead of wasting your precious time on this one person who may not (or may we don’t know) pan out

 

And you can do this without being needy, bossy, or off putting

 

But if your so stuck on not multi dating then your best bet is to focus if you want to but don’t run them away with the whole “are you multi dating” instead being an observer of her natural actions. If she is responding positively and consistently to you great. If she begans to be flaky, entitled, distracted, self centered and other red flags or openly talking about multi dating then you can totally just stop dating her “sorry we are not compatible take care”. And move on to focus on someone else. This is an option to stick to your standards and boundaries without prematurely turning off potentials coming off controlling.

 

I don’t come at suitors like “hey I like men who call will you call everyday”. Instead I am laid back and let suitors be who they are and observe and get to know them. Then I focus on the guy that is naturally communicative and consistent towards me. The flakes I ignore.

 

Good luck

[Gretchen12]

If you're seriously looking for a partner then what you're doing is right for you. The "rules" you set is basically trying to find like-minded people. As you see there are different opinions expressed just in this thread alone. They're not wrong. A woman who multidates can be perfect for someone else. When a woman is right for "Oats", she'll be on the same page with you on this issue and you won't even need to tell her not to see others or browse on the dating site.

 

The woman who is compatible with you long term would not be browsing for other prospects. But then it's hard to know what's going on because you shouldn't be checking up on her online activities. So initially it's one part caution one part faith.

 

However, understand that when online dating, you're fishing in dubious waters. You're looking for the rainbow trout but you pull up an old shoe :-(

[chillii]

Don't blame ya and if that's the way you like it then go with it , our life's our own , lived our rules and if it's a relationship your after then she'll be like minded anyway if you choose right.

l wouldn't even consider someone still messing around with other guys if she wasn't interested and exited enough by me and me her alone then we'd be wasting our time anyway.

Not that anyone even does that stuff here that l saw back when we tend to go for something worthwhile and focus on that .

l suppose though if someone is only interested in playing around and not looking for a relationship then , well fk knows , but l wouldn't go for someone like that anyway.

[JEG88]

Do what feels right to you. While it's a grey area, the whole purpose of OLD is to try things out and see if something works. When it comes to first dates, I have no expectations of exclusivity. For me, that feeling of excitement to see someone has to be maintained for me to want exclusivity. As someone said, if I'm not feeling it after a handful of dates, it's best to move on.

 

I see it as trial and error, since you could be at different stages with different people (one a first date, another a third). I don't have any ill intentions to hurt people as I go through OLD, nor am I into hookups/FWB/poly/etc.

 

As long as you have good intent and a goal in mind to find a relationship, I think multi-dating is fine as long as you're not trying to play someone.

[rightondude]

I multi-dated until I met the one that made me not want to waste time with anyone else. She seems to feel the same right this minute. I dunno, it put me in a different state of mind. We'll see how it goes.

[OatsAndHall]

My approach to dating has nothing to do with possessiveness/controlling nature or taking the Pepsi Challenge with other guys. I've never been a controlling individual and that is something that the women that I've seen long-term can attest to. In fact, the majority of failures I've run into with dating come down to my independent nature. When I saw multi-daters and they wrote me off in favor of another guy, it didn't bother me. I'm have enough self-confidence to move forward and not give it a second though.

 

For me, it all comes down to my time which is can be limited and is valuable to me. When I was seeing multi-daters, I had far more women who were loose about making plans and quite a few cancelled on me at the last minute. This frustrated me as it's not courteous and it wasted my time, which again, can be limited and is valuable to me.

 

Now, I know that this can happen when seeing someone who ISN'T a multi-dater but it was far more prevalent before I stopped seeing them. There are many women out there who are perfectly content to solely see me for a few dates and see how things go. Quite a few have found it refreshing as they've had the same experiences I have when comes to multi-dating. Since I have begun approaching dating this way, I have only had a handful of women tell me that was unacceptable for them or ghost me after the first date.

 

So, yes, maybe I am missing out on something by approaching dating this way and they might be missing out on good date with someone else as well. But, it's talked about and it's either agreed upon or its not. If it isn't, there's no muss-no fuss.

Edited July 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Curiousroxy86]

For me, it all comes down to my time which is can be limited and is valuable to me. When I was seeing multi-daters, I had far more women who were loose about making plans and quite a few cancelled on me at the last minute. This frustrated me as it's not courteous and it wasted my time, which again, can be limited and is valuable to me.

 

So, yes, maybe I am missing out on something by approaching dating this way and they might be missing out on good date with someone else as well. But, it's talked about and it's either agreed upon or its not. If it isn't, there's no muss-no fuss.

 

Honestly op my critique has nothing to do with who you chose to date. I don’t care nor do I think it’s even a problem that you chose to pass on by multi daters and only date women who focus on you (atleast by word). If I do have a criticism on this part I would rather you to focus on a woman who SHOWS you she focuses on you then go by her word.....but you screening out multi daters isn’t the issue or point of not only my opinion to this thread but some others who have gave excellent advice. By all means only date those who focus on you if you want.

 

My criticism is aimed at YOU choosing to focus on a girl who is pretty much a stranger who hasn’t show you that she even likes you, shown you that she really can focus on you, and shown you that she can continue to do those things honestly. Also my criticism is aimed at you expecting a woman (even a one at a time dater) to focus on you when you also are a stranger to her and haven’t shown her that your worthy to focus on. Even single daters need the autonomy to choose you. They want to be sold on the idea of focusing on you. Yet expecting exclusivity and you haven’t even had a first date???

 

You say your time is valuable well so is hers and this approach imo doesn’t give the best investment of your time or hers. In my opinion your approach is naive, unrealistic, unattractive, and entitled. And it will work against you too often than for you.

 

I used to operate with a "three date rule" that has been described; if things clicked after three dates, I asked them for a higher level of commitment before moving forward. This backfired on me continually and I was told I was "being pushy" or "moving too fast" a few times. Bear in mind, this was after three quality dates and the women's actions showed a strong mutual attraction. This gets my hackles up as I do everything I can to avoid "being pushy" or "move too fast", emotionally, physically or otherwise.I have a pretty thick skin but those two phrases or mutations of them bother. I did have women agree to ditch the sites and move on but I was ghosted the majority of the time.

 

So instead of asking for exclusivity after three days your “wise” solution to move that up to at the very beginning of meeting before you even had dates? You think that will work better? Lol come on op. They called you controlling and pushy and moving to fast and ghosting even though they were highly interested because you asked for higher level of commitment prematurely. That time you did it in three dates. But now your wanting it at the beginning? And how exactly is it working out for you when your on here wondering if you should enforce a boundary for those who do agree yet you still see them online lol (in reference to your original post in this thread). Which by the way you wouldn’t know they were still online unless your online . I don’t see success with this approach dude.

 

In my opinion if you want to have a standard against multi daters and flakiness and you want to do It in a way of focusing on one girl at a time WITHOUT TURNING A GIRL OFF THAT YOU DO WANT then just get to know a girl naturally and organically without putting any pressure on her and let her show you what kind of girl she is. Give her the autonomy to choose you. If you see she begins to flake then let her go and talk to someone else. If she brags about multi dating let her go. if you want to do the online stalking thing and see if she is online talking to other guys then cut her off if she is. which I think that would just drive you more crazy and again you don’t know if she is talking to other guys or stalking you back but whatever lol. When you focus on a girl see if she consistently focuses back. Women who want relationship AND is genuinely interested in you will naturally focus when a guy consistently focuses on her. And theeeen you can ask for actual exclusivity instead of some fake premature insecurity soothing exclusivity.

 

Or you can just keep doing what you do until you get lucky and find a girl who is just as jaded and comes off just as desperate needing reassurances prematurely and maybe just doesn’t have options. I won’t ever say your standard will never work. A broken clock is right atleast once or twice. But I do think there is a better way to get what your looking for op. I really do. As always just my 2 cents. Good luck.

[Inspire]

It's one thing if you choose not to multi-date and entirely a different matter to require the same from someone else. None of what you're asking for says "I am thick skinned" ... Perception matters more then reality. This says "I am type-a, possibly controlling, jaded, needy or even desperate.

 

The perception you're creating puts you on an uphill battle from the first minute. I am not even entirely sure why you think doing this saves time because it doesn't. People will see what they want to see until they're justified.

[DrNo1962]

I don't think this is really feasible. Even when my mother was dating, she would multi-date until my Dad came along and stole her heart.

 

The only scenarios where short-term exclusivity is possible is I think in strict religious communities who initiate dates via a match-maker or family members.

 

If you're a secular man, then multi-dating is just a fact of life and you have to deal with it accordingly.