jjhung Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 Long story short, we had communications problem and had an open relationship. His ex-gf wanted him back and he was the rope in a tug-of-war. I lost at first; he gave her his committment. Shortly after he found it to be a mistake as they couldn't get pass their old issues. Meanwhile, I was heartbroken and read self-help books like crazy. Learned a few things about relationship and did some soul searching. Talked to him with a completely open and honest attitude which turn things around. He struggled a few more weeks not wanting to hurt her while I waited in pain for him to break up with her to be with me. He finally did it and we got back together right away. The first 8 months were very hard on me as I sensed he thought about her often. He was mourning their 5-year relationship, not thinking of her like he wanted to get back to her. But I was emotionally scared from the ordeal and couldn't shake my insecurity. While he didn't cheat on me, psychologically I felt he betrayed me and was lacking faith and trust. It's been over 15 months since we got back together and things are really well for the last couple months. The love triangle is a blessing in disguise as we are able to communicate and have developed a strong and loving relationship. I understand his ex-gf technically was not the other woman as we were in an open relationship. I was not seeing anyone else but didn't want to commit because of misunderstanding due to lack of communications and our relationship was very superficial. His ex-gf broke up with him as a way to let each other evaluate the relationship and try to make things work. She never dreamed that I would come into the picture and replace her, completely screwing up her plan. So when our relationship hit a plateau and I asked for an open relationship (kind of like what she was doing), she jumped at the window of opportunity to get her foot in with him. She was merely looking for her own best interest, not to hurt me personally or intentioanlly although it is inevitable. As a result of my emotional sufferring, I hate her with all my heart even though I ended up being the "winner" and she is no longer in my boyfriend's life. I am still unable to forgive and forget even though I am the one ended up with the happy ending. Is there something wrong with me that I am unable to let go of the past? I continue to think of how hurt I felt the day I found her car in my boyfriend's parking spot. Sometimes I see things that reminded me of what happened and will get me depressed. I feel angry if I hear my boyfriend say things like "I'm sure she has already moved on and is dating someone already." I like to bash her whenever I get a chance in front of my boyfriend, saying things like she is short like a midget, or she is a whore (because she slept with 2 men during that triangle period and one was after they agreed to getting back together and the last fling?). Can someone give me some advice or comment?
lynnered Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 please dont take this the wrong way , but like U said U guys had a open relationship, then "I lost at first; he gave her his committment. Shortly after he found it to be a mistake as they couldn't get pass their old issues" then "He struggled a few more weeks not wanting to hurt her while I waited in pain for him to break up with her to be with me." "He finally did it and we got back together right away" He ,him Ur boyfriend what did she do to U? U had a open relationship " So when our relationship hit a plateau and I asked for an open relationship (kind of like what she was doing), she jumped at the window of opportunity to get her foot in with him' she was respectful ,they had history if U guys had a open relationship there was no wrong done to U by her . U act as if U were exclusive & she had a A which she did not, he is the one who caused Ur emotional sufferring& U- U asked for open relationship & U also accepted that from him. "whenever I get a chance in front of my boyfriend, saying things like she is short like a midget, or she is a whore (because she slept with 2 men during that triangle period and one was after they agreed to getting back together and the last fling?). " because she slept with the 2 guys that was between him &her not U ,badmouthing her in front of him only makes U look insecure. ok so U sound like U feel he cheated so if U want it to work with him treat it as such , why are U so angry at her? think through the possible reasons for your reactions like what makes U angry ?what makes U depressed? keep a journel of these things, If you know exactly what sets you off you can be mindful of it &remind yourself of how to react, talk over things with him because from Ur post, hate to say it over & over again it sounds like Ur angrier is misplaced & if U want to save Ur relationship then U need to work on this . just my opinion goodluck:)
loveisallaround Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 I wouldn't blame you for still holding some resentment/anxiety over the scenario! It's human nature. However, with that said, everything we do in our inborn nature isn't necessairly what we should strive for. This is definitely true with our negative traits. I predict if you sit on the resentment that seems to still be evolving, you'll eventually explode. It could manifest in fits of anger towards your boyfriend or increased insecurity in the relationship. It's obvious that there hasn't been a clear, concise discussion regarding what happened before. I'd advise sitting down with your boyfriend and approaching him in vunerability (i.e. I feel...) and discussing it from there. Be bold and consider the notion you should be happy in this relationship!
Okeydokey Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 Hi I've never heard of an open relationship that doesn't work more to the advantage of one partner than to the advantage of the other. I feel like it is usually easier for the guy to get some outside of the relationship and the woman usually goes along with the open thing b/c she knows it makes the dude happy or because she figures that this particular dude will be sleeping around anyway so lets have it out in the open rather than pretend like it is not happening. The one thing to be said for it, and I think you have achieved this amazingly well is that you two seem to be able to communicate well with each other. I think your guy is probably thinking that you are so down and comfortable in your emotions that his comments don't bug you. But, the fact is the more he talks about her the more he thinks about her. So, if you haven't done this already I would sit down with him for a nice adult conversation. "Look - when we started we had an open relationship for various reasons. I cared about you and I wanted to be with you, but I knew that you still had feelings for your ex - I knew at the time that it was something that I had to accept in order to be with you. However, things have changed. Our relationship has evolved - it is more secure, and she is no longer in your life. Now, it is time for you to focus on me, my needs and my happiness. Please concentrate all of your energies on me, please try not to talk about her b/c it detracts from our relationship and the progression of our relationship. When we started being exclusive and openness ended then your ex-girlfriend ended and your feelings for her ended."
Author jjhung Posted September 26, 2005 Author Posted September 26, 2005 I have been going to therapy since it all happened and I just had my final session last week. My therapist said I have come a long way and have made a lot changes to myself for the better. But only time can heal all the wounds. My boyfriend is wonderful and he is always able to spot it when I am down thinking about what happened. We talk about what was bothering me, and mostly I just needed to vent. I have talked to friends, therapist and my boyfriend about this many times and I understand perfectly that it was the circumstances and I really couldn't blame anyone. In fact we talked about it last night and I even pointed out that she was probably a scapegoat in this. We speed on the freeway even though we know we are going over the limit, the analogy being that I know all the facts but I just couldn't help how I feel about her. In truth, I am probably still blaming myself for asking for an open relationship to test him and can't accept that it was the wrong move leading to the triangle. Yes, I hate her for taking advantage of the situation and blame her for ruining my relationship but I would have done the same thing if I was in her shoes. I take responsibility for what happened but I am having difficulty getting over the hurt. Perhaps I should have posted in the infidelity section to see if any betrayed partner can give me any advise. Like I said before, I know what I did and unfortunately the outcome was never what I had planned for. I felt rejected and betrayed, even though I set myself up for it and really can't complain about it. Perhaps I am most angry at myself and have yet to be able to forgive myself for what I've done. Rebuilding the relationship took over a year and we are doing great. But I am still trying to rebuild myself, trying to heal the emotional wound that I had sustain. I wish someone has the answer for me and I don't know what kind of closure I will need or what form it will take for me to be able to let go. I truly want to be free of this ugly past that has continuously haunt me for the last year and half.
Author jjhung Posted September 26, 2005 Author Posted September 26, 2005 I also know that I still have resentment towards my boyfriend because I've been focusing on the period when he favored her more than me. But even I know to say that it was all in the past and we should focus on the present. She is no longer in our lives anymore and we should concentrate our effect in making our relationship better. Still, it is easy to say but hard to do. I am trying. But sometimes emtions are hard to control especially if there are things that will trigger the memory to come back.
loveisallaround Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 Of course it's hard. Life isn't a path of roses and carnations. It's ridden with blocks, challenges and confusion a lot of the way. But those detours aren't there to annoy us. We can use them to become wiser and stronger. You're on the right path. You can - like all situations in life - use this as gris for the mill. Contemplate the lessons behind this and the negative chararistics you can remove from yourself. Remember: Pain is necessary, suffering is not. You're on the right track!
seachange Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 I hate her for taking advantage of the situation and blame her for ruining my relationship but I would have done the same thing if I was in her shoes. Actually, I wonder if this is the root of the problem - you did do exactly the same thing, walking in during a window of opportunity when she wanted to "evaluate the relationship". And honestly, I suspect that that's part of the reason why you're having trouble with this - it backfired for her, and I'm sure you're concerned that it might backfire for you, as well. Sorry if that sounds harsh. I don't mean it that way, and I'm really not judging you - sounds like a difficult situation all round, and I realize everyone's just trying to figure out who wants what. But to me, it sounds like your anger at her is a bit unreasonable, and I suspect you do know that, and that perhaps you're mostly angry at yourself: In truth, I am probably still blaming myself for asking for an open relationship to test him and can't accept that it was the wrong move leading to the triangle. Yes, I take responsibility for what happened but I am having difficulty getting over the hurt.
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