thepickle Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 Hi all, I'm in a bit of a bind here. Three weeks ago I (23F) met (22M) and we hit it off immediately. You know when there's that instant connection and attraction? That, on both sides, and that's the thing - it's getting confusing for me. This post might get long, but I'll try to rein it in. A couple of weeks before we met he was cheated on by his long term (3.5 years) ex and they broke up. I sympathised because I broke up with my long term (3 years) ex in January, we talked about not looking for anything serious, blah blah blah. Very quickly we both realised we had feelings for each other, but obviously I'm concerned that I'm just a rebound. My gut says that I'm not, but either way we're at completely different stages of moving on from a break up. It's got to the point where we see each other a lot and talk all the time, we have a natural chemistry and easy banter, it's very easy to be around him. I can feel myself getting attached, it's stressing me out. I'm scared I'll just get hurt. He says he can't commit (which is fine to me at the minute, I'm still in the midst of a messy rent situation with my ex) but then he's talking about feelings, he says he would miss talking to me, when we're cuddling in bed he says he wishes he could have that every night. I don't know what to do. This is an unwise situation to have put myself in, but I did, and now I can't get out, I'm in too deep. I'm an idiot for doing this, but if I end it, I'll lose him. Cliche as it sounds, I've never felt like this before, even after such a short space of time. What do?? Please don't tell me to end it... (Cut out a lot of details, if you want more information please ask)
Ami1uwant Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 You are 23...relationships come and go. Unless he just broke up with her the week before this isn’t a rebound or you are different stages. If thus was 10 years later and he ended a longer live to get her relationship it be different.
schlumpy Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 Why can't you just continue as you are? Why do you feel you are at some crisis point where a decision has to be made? You are attached already. He says he can't commit. If he doesn't know you are attached and you are willing to let his noncommitment ride for a while, why not see what develops. Use the time to clear up the loose ends of your last relationship so you may more clearly see and participate in the new one. I wouldn't wait forever but it may be that in a couple of months he may be the one suggesting commitment and won't that be fun and gratifying? Do you really see it being any worse to let go then as compared to now? Best Wishes 1
Inspire Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 I don't agree with @ami. They were together for 3.5 years and that whole thing happened several weeks before you met. If he isn't ready to commit then clearly he still isn't over what happened or he just isn't as into you as you think he is (i.e. hang up maybe). He is being guarded and understandably so. Why did he say he can't commit? So what's your plan? Hope that he just comes around and if he doesn't?
Author thepickle Posted July 12, 2019 Author Posted July 12, 2019 You are 23...relationships come and go. Unless he just broke up with her the week before this isn’t a rebound or you are different stages. If thus was 10 years later and he ended a longer live to get her relationship it be different. Out of interest, at what age does 'you are [age], too young for all this' stop being a thing?? Am I, an actual adult, not allowed to look for love? Why can't you just continue as you are? Why do you feel you are at some crisis point where a decision has to be made? You are attached already. He says he can't commit. If he doesn't know you are attached and you are willing to let his noncommitment ride for a while, why not see what develops. Use the time to clear up the loose ends of your last relationship so you may more clearly see and participate in the new one. I wouldn't wait forever but it may be that in a couple of months he may be the one suggesting commitment and won't that be fun and gratifying? Do you really see it being any worse to let go then as compared to now? Best Wishes I don't necessarily feel like this right now is a crisis point, but I'm getting more and more insecure and stressed about it all (insecurity is something I don't express outwardly and definitely need to work on). I feel like I'm being too easy to get. I've already told him I won't wait forever... I don't know. There's something missing in terms of how I'm perceiving his feelings for me, and I can't put my finger on it. It's not quite paranoia yet, but it might get there. I can see my feelings developing rapidly, if they're like this already at this point. Thank you for the help, I just need to learn how to switch off most of the feelings I think. I don't agree with @ami. They were together for 3.5 years and that whole thing happened several weeks before you met. If he isn't ready to commit then clearly he still isn't over what happened or he just isn't as into you as you think he is (i.e. hang up maybe). He is being guarded and understandably so. Why did he say he can't commit? So what's your plan? Hope that he just comes around and if he doesn't? I wasn't expecting him to be ready to commit, or be over it, I've been there with the cheating, it hurts for a while. I really have no idea at this point, part of me thinks I'm being played like a fiddle, what with all the sweet nothings and whatnot. No plan. I'm happy to carry on as is, but I don't know how to do that without hurting myself in the process. It's already hard enough not really knowing where I stand.
mortensorchid Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 Continue as you are now. If he (or you) find yourselves pushing for something beyond how it is now (ex. moving in together) then say you need to slow it down and spend more time getting to know one another. If he's always talking about the other gf (how good/bad she was, what they planned to do together, etc.) then you know it's a rebound. People get into rebounds partly because they want to show the former gf/bf that they can attract and keep someone easily and quicker than the other did.
Inspire Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 Only you can answer that question. Often times, we try to fool ourselves that we can press on and take the chips as they fall but deep down we know that is only our heart talking and not our head. Timing is everything. You two just met at a really bad time. I don't know if anyone would ever admit to someone they're dating as being a rebound. I'd go as far as saying that I think that realization comes in hindsight in most cases. Feeling uncertain at this stage of the game is never a good sign. I think if anything he needs to be open and upfront as to why he feels he can't commit if he is really into you. 2
Author thepickle Posted July 12, 2019 Author Posted July 12, 2019 Continue as you are now. If he (or you) find yourselves pushing for something beyond how it is now (ex. moving in together) then say you need to slow it down and spend more time getting to know one another. If he's always talking about the other gf (how good/bad she was, what they planned to do together, etc.) then you know it's a rebound. People get into rebounds partly because they want to show the former gf/bf that they can attract and keep someone easily and quicker than the other did. R.e the moving in thing - absolutely not, my whole thing with my ex has left me very very wary of committing to a lease with anyone! And the new guy knows that, too. But I know what you mean. We've clarified that we're both having fun and enjoying each others' company. He does talk about her, but I don't really see it as being excessively so, he doesn't bitch about her often, fine on that front I think. I think the reason I'm so concerned is because of things I've read online, like some people say it takes ages between relationships to be ready, others say there's a 3 month time limit on rebounds (I don't really want to have to just wait and see, you know?). Another thing is, when we were talking about it before (I'd say our communication is mostly good, I already feel like we have a more mature -friendship- than I have with most people) we were both saying that we felt it was moving too fast, to which I suggested we scaled it back a bit, he agreed and that's where we've been for about a week.
Author thepickle Posted July 12, 2019 Author Posted July 12, 2019 Only you can answer that question. Often times, we try to fool ourselves that we can press on and take the chips as they fall but deep down we know that is only our heart talking and not our head. Timing is everything. You two just met at a really bad time. I don't know if anyone would ever admit to someone they're dating as being a rebound. I'd go as far as saying that I think that realization comes in hindsight in most cases. Feeling uncertain at this stage of the game is never a good sign. I think if anything he needs to be open and upfront as to why he feels he can't commit if he is really into you. Definitely a bad time, you're right. We've had the 'what do you think would have happened if so-and-so variable was different' conversations, all positive. I know that, I suppose my naivety extends to hoping he would have been honest. I did tell him, right at the start, that if he started thinking that that was the case, he should tell me straight away and there would be no anger felt towards him. I'm a big girl, I know if my sadness is misplaced. I'd rather know. I don't necessarily want him to commit to me yet. If he's only operating at 75% emotional capacity, I want him to be at 100% before he makes any decisions regarding me. I don't want us to get together, then a few months later he realises that I really was a rebound. And even typing that makes me feel pathetic - why can't I be one of those people who has the confidence to believe that they are liked by someone???
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 Sorry op but it’s foolish to hold on to a guy hoping he eventually become your exclusive boyfriend yet pretend your okay with the status quo. You should only continue on with this guy unless you truly don’t care what happens and we both know that ain’t true for you because you already said you are insecure and paranoid. Over what? That he may never become your boyfriend? Well he already told you he is not ready for commitment And he is telling you what you want to hear in terms of the sweet stuff because it doesn’t cost much to say a few sweet romantic things to keep a girl making herself available but not crossing that line over to relationship talk. Your just his f buddy and you steady falling for this guy. He has you right where he wants you unfortunately. Not to say fwb never turn into relationships because sometimes they can but is it often? I doubt it. If you can’t let him go then at the very least have a timeline for him to want to be your exclusive boyfriend then let him go cold turkey after time is up. I’d give it 3 months max. I prefer you date other men. I don’t really think it’s a good idea to only focus on this one men who said he is not ready for commitment. It makes me cringe to think you would only be exclusive to this one noncommittal boy for the whole 3 months. But do you... 1
d0nnivain Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 If you are not looking for anything serious which is what you told him, what difference does it make if you are a rebound? If you're both just killin' time & having fun, no harm no foul. Problem is you lied. You don't want casual. You want a BF. Now that you have figured out he can't be that, you're annoyed. That's not fair. Going forward you need to stop telling men you are not looking for something serious when you are. You will save yourself a great deal of heartache. 4
Inspire Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 It is only naive to think that someone would admit that even if they knew. The only person that will watch out for you is you. Never forget that. 2
Morello Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 (edited) The problem with rebound relationships is that the one(s) rebounding usually are not aware that is the case. They feel very strongly about the new person but often don't realise the feelings aren't really about the new person but about their exes. So the problem here is that you really can't trust him when he talks about his feelings/attraction for you. Even that sense of early familiarity "I feel like I've known you for ages" is a bit fake and more related to the ex than to you. They are just projecting. They miss being in a relationship so they fast track the early dating stage to get there as soon as possible and skip the important stage of slowly getting to know the other. Being emotionally available is not always just about being over an ex, it is also about being over the fact that the last relationship failed and why it failed. Some people take much longer to recover from that then actually missing the ex. Even as dumpers, some people think they lost precious years of their life by being with an unsuitable candidate. They feel their life was robbed from them. I was once at the receiving end of a rebound relationship and it was by far the most emotionally hurtful event in my life. It took me quite some time to recover, more than any other break up. Ok, this has a lot to do with my personal issues at that time of insecurity, etc. But it was really hard to realise that what I though was a "love at first sight" thing was mainly about another guy and I was just being used to fill a gap. It hurts like hell when you have developed feelings for that person. It's like you were dating them and they were dating their ex. I really don't recommend you go along with this, especially cause he's being clear about not being ready for a relationship. When people say that, you gotta believe them. He's not gonna become ready for a new relationship by being in one with you. If anything, you'll prepare him for his next relationship and he will drop you like a hot potato once his healing phase is complete. And the others above are right, even if he realises he's in a rebound with you, he'll never tell you unless it is to break up with you. Edited July 12, 2019 by Morello 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 It is only naive to think that someone would admit that even if they knew. The only person that will watch out for you is you. Yes, this. He likely isn't anywhere near ready to date someone in a serious capacity, OP, but probably doesn't even recognize that himself yet. The last person to figure out it's a rebound is usually the rebounder themselves. If you are just looking for something casual, go forth and have your fun. But if you're hoping for something more, you are unfortunately probably going to find yourself disappointed when the initial thrills wear off and he realizes he's a long way from being over his ex. 2
schlumpy Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 If you are not looking for anything serious which is what you told him, what difference does it make if you are a rebound? If you're both just killin' time & having fun, no harm no foul. Problem is you lied. You don't want casual. You want a BF. Now that you have figured out he can't be that, you're annoyed. That's not fair. Going forward you need to stop telling men you are not looking for something serious when you are. You will save yourself a great deal of heartache. I agree, those details are important. It will be interesting to see what her reply is.
SophieG Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 I was 6 weeks out of a 3.5 years relationship when I met my boyfriend. When we met, I was not ready for anything too serious or ready to commit. He understood, but told me that he could see something long term with me in the future. Like you, instant connection, we just clicked. Last week, was the one year since our first date. We talk about moving in possibly next year. So it's not impossible that you aren't a rebound and it's not impossible that it will eventually lead to something more. I understand that my story my not be the norm, but sometimes it happens.
Maddie82 Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 Its sounds like its going great between you. You're taking it slow for the moment and enjoying being with each other. You're both delicate from your ex's so just take one day at a time and let it grow. Best of luck
stillafool Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 Going forward you need to stop telling men you are not looking for something serious when you are. You will save yourself a great deal of heartache. ^^^THIS^^I notice a lot of young women are lying by telling guys they aren't looking for anything serious when even after the first date being exclusive is the first thing on their mind. You guys aren't fooling anyone especially these guys. I think some are afraid to tell the truth up front for fear of rejection. 1
Gaeta Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 You are both lying to yourself. You're lying to yourself when you pretend to not want anything serious when your anxiety and worries testify of the opposite and he's lying to himself when he pretend you're not a rebound, a girl he met 2 weeks after breaking up a 3.5 year relationship.
kendahke Posted July 12, 2019 Posted July 12, 2019 Hi all, Three weeks ago I met(dude) and we hit it off immediately. A couple of weeks before we met he was cheated on by his long term (3.5 years) ex and they broke up. I broke up with my long term (3 years) ex in January I'm concerned that I'm just a rebound. My gut says that I'm not He says he can't commit but then he's talking about feelings, he says he would miss talking to me, when we're cuddling in bed he says he wishes he could have that every night. ) You met 3 weeks ago and he had broken up with his long time girlfriend 2-3 weeks before that? You are the rebound, even if you don't want to admit that truth to yourself. You're the textbook definition of a rebound. He can't commit because emotionally, he's not even begun processing his relationship and his ex out of his system... he instead got a diversion (you) to avoid the painful feelings he's got to process--and those feelings are what's standing in your way. He will miss you enough where his needs are concerned, but when your needs arise, he's got nothing for you. That is a clear sign that this is a rebound relationship. Know the truth--it will set you free. 2
Author thepickle Posted July 13, 2019 Author Posted July 13, 2019 It seems as though I'm getting a lot of mixed responses both here and from friends. I know it's a weird (but clearly not uncommon) situation which has no fixed outcome really. I'm still trying to decide how I should move with this. I've been visiting my family the last few days a few hours away from where I live, and he's been going out almost every night, and I've been worrying about him both for his safety and also that he's trying to drown his sorrows. I think this sort of made me realise that yeah, I do want a relationship with him (at some point, not now - I'd feel that way even if he hadn't just come out of a relationship) but I've been lying to myself about it. It's just not a good idea for my sanity, my insecurity is not his problem. I've a lot of soul searching to do, I think. If I'm still inwardly reacting like this, with fear and insecurity and anxiety, I'm definitely not ready for another relationship at this point. The kindest thing to do would be to break it off, for me and for him. I think I'm going to wait a couple of weeks and see, after his holiday, if I feel any better about it. I really hope I do and I know this isn't fair to him. It might seem like I'm not giving him the option to end it, but he's a full person too, he can make his own decisions. Sorry for the long train of thought just there, I saw my best friend for the first time in a while today and I vented a lot to her and it made things a bit clearer in my mind. I think I can stagnate my feelings at the point they are at now, but if I feel them getting stronger I'll end it.
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