How the perfect guy turned into a douche during and after the breakup

July 11, 2019

I don't know what to do. I think I lost what could have been the love of my life. Just a disclaimer, I haven't been a total saint in this situation and not made the best decisions in all this. I accept that. Still we're all human right? I just wish he saw past that and fought for us.

I had been dating this guy for 3 months. I couldn't quite believe how handsome he was, and that someone like him would even like me. We got on so well, had shared obscure interests and the chemistry was... a-maz-ing. I could definitely feel that he was falling for me. He ticked all my boxes. But my insecurities ruined it. I was also still with my long term boyfriend which was ending (long story, and yes I cheated, lesson's been learnt ) but this guy stuck with me despite this. He said I was too good to be true and I thought he was too. He said we could have something really special, and that he was a really impatient guy and that I needed to break up with LT bf ASAP. So I did soon after.

Anyway, I voiced a couple of concerns on whatsapp about not feeling supported about the breakup with my LT bf. He didn't address these for a good day. Then I got upset about him not communicating and he said we should talk later when I've calmed down. Basically argument ensued because I was waiting yet another whole day for him to get in touch (ok he was busy at work but not even one message to check I'm ok?), he called my concerns 'drama', and said 'Newsflash- I AM NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND!!! you have no right to make these demands' when I said that he could have done this and that to communicate better. I said that 'newsflash' was hurtful and I ended up apologising for everything because I wanted to end the fight. He didn't even apologise for anything from the argument and said he's glad I calmed down.

Just an aside. All I was looking for was him to check I was ok but I never got it. I told him this eventually at the cafe later and he just changed the subject.

"You have repeatedly told me that I don't know what it is to end a 5 yr relationship, and you know what? You're completely correct! So why does this make me the go to person to be your shoulder to cry on to nurse you to get over another guy?! Do you know how many guys would put up with this? I'll give you a clue, somewhere between none and nobody!!!"

I really thought he would be there for me or care about me even though I was breaking up with my ex.

We agreed to meet up in a cafe later after whatsapp blowup, I expected we would make up but he interrogated me about trust, my inability to end things sooner with my then LT bf, questioned my integrity and moral compass. He made up something about me not trusting him but I said it was insecurity which was different to trust (because I kept quizzing him about his ex gfs). He said we couldn't come back from this and said it's getting toxic. He basically then broke up with me and walked out.

I'm so gutted because although now reflecting on it, he's said some douchey things, I can't think of anyone who would measure up in terms of the chemistry we had. It's so hard to find that connection we had when it was good. I feel like I ruined it because as he said, I could have handled things better (also end the LT relationship sooner but I had my reasons it took so long)

Anyway, I'm not proud of it. But I wrote him a long email processing everything 2 days after the breakup. I messaged him again 2 weeks later saying that I think it's worth working things out because connection is hard to come by. I wrote some really nice things.

He then said 'I'm not in London as I've been ill with stress induced vertigo ever since the that Tuesday(breakup) so went to see my parents to recuperate. Using display screens makes my symptoms worse so I'm not going to write an essay. I'll just say that I think I made the correct decision. Hope you make better choices in future and learn something from this'. It hurt but do you think it's a douche or fair comment?

Then 2 weeks after that I called him out on all his douche moves and wrote a pretty hostile message. He blocked me.

Now a month later I'm still thinking about him. It was just so good. All the things we said we would do while we were in an almost relationship, like travelling together is not going to happen anymore. I even imagined our wedding dance at the height of all the craziness. Sucks. And yeah I deserve it for cheating and getting into this situation the first place.

I should let it go but I can't. It will never be the same.

Please help me process so I know what I can do better next time (if there will be a next time because I won't find anyone like him). I'll take anything, good or bad.

Edited July 11, 2019 by eskimogirl

July 11, 2019

"You have repeatedly told me that I don't know what it is to end a 5 yr relationship, and you know what? You're completely correct! So why does this make me the go to person to be your shoulder to cry on to nurse you to get over another guy?! Do you know how many guys would put up with this? I'll give you a clue, somewhere between none and nobody!!!"

He's right.

You took the whole 3 months to ditch your ex and instead of rewarding this guy for sticking around, by being happy to be with him.

YOU expect him to pick up the pieces and comfort you whilst you grieve for your EX... unbelievable!

He was right to dump you.

You shouldn't treat people like that.

Next time dump the bf first before you get involved with any one else.

July 11, 2019

Ok first thing you need to understand is 'chemistry' is not a good measure of how well a relationship is going to be. So tired of seeing threads on here with 'omg the chemistry was amazing it was so perfect but he doesn't want to be with me'. It's simply not enough for a deep and long term relationship.

Sounds like you know what you did wrong, cheating on your ex bf with this guy, so going forward do not do that ever again.

What I really don't understand is how you could expect this new guy to be your shoulder to cry on about your ex. That's just crazy. Why on earth would he want to hear about your past, I certainly wouldn't. You start a new relationship with someone to have a future with, not to listen to them going on about the past.

When you finished with your ex so you can get with this new guy, that should have only happened if you were already over your ex, with no emotions whatsoever. Getting into a new relationship when you still have feelings to process about the breakup is selfish at best.

Also why are you questioning him about his exes? Really he made the right decision to break up with you. You have a lot of maturing to do if you want to be in a serious relationship and come across insecure.

July 11, 2019

I appreciate you both taking time to read this and help me figure it out. Just to clarify I wasn’t a mess and wanting a shoulder to cry on. I only got worked up when he just didn’t check in on me with a short message to make sure I’m ok. He just ignored me for 2 days.

July 11, 2019

Ok first thing you need to understand is 'chemistry' is not a good measure of how well a relationship is going to be. So tired of seeing threads on here with 'omg the chemistry was amazing it was so perfect but he doesn't want to be with me'. It's simply not enough for a deep and long term relationship.

You're so right.

When you finished with your ex so you can get with this new guy, that should have only happened if you were already over your ex, with no emotions whatsoever. Getting into a new relationship when you still have feelings to process about the breakup is selfish at best.

That's true. It was complicated situation, I had exams, deadlines, I was living with my ex which was part of the delay. The guy knew that. And I knew it had to end because there was nothing romantic left but I didn't expect the guy to not even show he cared after I did it. Tbh I also didn't expect this guy to keep seeing me after I told him the situation. He didn't show any signs for 3 months that he was upset by it all. And I couldn't deal with the aftermath of breaking my ex's heart when I had exams so that's why it took so long. I was being practical but I can see why people would see it as selfish and I'd agree.

Also why are you questioning him about his exes? Really he made the right decision to break up with you. You have a lot of maturing to do if you want to be in a serious relationship and come across insecure.

I was just curious why they ended. I wasn't interrogating him or anything. My long term relationship was my first one so I really don't know the protocol with these things while you're dating.

July 11, 2019

Expecting him to make sure you were okay during your breakup was plain unrealistic, OP. No guy is going to want to play that sort of role, so I agree with him in that regard. Your emotions regarding your break-up were yours to deal with and it was not fair to lash out at him for not supporting you in the way you expected. Not his job.

Having said that, I don't think this was a particularly good guy either. It's pretty rich that he questions your moral compass when he actively participated in the cheating himself and didn't seem to have a problem with it until you actually became single. It's not as though he is Mr. Ethics, either.

Addressing the chemistry you feel you shared: you probably felt heightened attraction to him because you were obviously not happy with your then-boyfriend. He was an exciting thrill, something new, a stark contrast to the mundane and familiar. That type of chemistry often doesn't translate well when the affair is no longer an affair. The sparks tend to fade when cheaters try to transition into an actual relationship; the novelty disappears. You cannot be so sure that you two would have worked out as a couple once the goalposts of the relationship changed.

My point is that you need to forget him and, yes, reflect on the lessons learned here. He lost interest and it doesn't sound like your relationship with him was going to last anyway.

July 11, 2019

Get over it and learn that men do not want to get involved with women they deem as being untrustworthy. Now as far as he goes...HE doesnt have the right to feel this way as he also engaged in cheating with you, but the next guy? If he happens to discover you cheated in your past then good luck.

July 11, 2019

This guy is complicit in the mess and a orbiter and vulture/scavenger. He didn't suddenly turn into a douchebag, that's who he is as evidenced by his behavior . . . you aren't missing out on anything.

Get up on your two feet, put all this behind you and get real and right with yourself before you start dating again. And, stop with the victim mentality. You both were in this and it really had no where to go but down hill given the circumstances. You really think some guy you've only been messing around with for 3 months is going to want to tolerate being used as your emotional tampon while breaking up from a guy you've been with for 5 years and absorbing the fallout from that???

Edited July 11, 2019 by Redhead14

July 11, 2019

To be honest, I don't know why you think it would occur to him to check in on you. He would have rightfully assumed that you'd be happy to be out and spend time with him.

July 13, 2019

Some people, often commitment-phobes, deliberately get into relationships with attached people as it takes the heat off them.

"I would get "serious", but she has a bf, so I am safe, I do not need to commit"

Once she gives up the bf, he is suddenly exposed, so he turns tail and runs.

Or

He may not want to get involved with a woman who could so easily cheat on her bf, hypocritical maybe, but it happens.

Fine for fun but for a real relationship no.

When you get involved in the murky waters of infidelity anything is possible. Classy, decent guys do not get involved with a woman cheating on her bf.

July 13, 2019

Eskimogirl,

There is mutual stupidity in this situation.

I'll address this guy's mistake first.

He got involved with you, knowing you were still in a longterm relationship. Not sure why he did that. Perhaps he liked you and just gave into his weaknesses, knowing it would be a mistake. It likely ended up he got angry at himself for his mistakes and took it out on you. His pain at the end of the day is on him.

On your end, you cheated. You also didn't give yourself sufficient time to grieve and process your breakup so you could go into something new with a fresh, level head. Instead, you expected him to be your emotional crutch for the problems of old relationship which is an unreasonable expectation. He can't help you with your ex-boyfriend problems. It is your responsibility to get over your breakup before you get into something new.

Neither of you are the victim. Your ex boyfriend of 5 years is. A person whom invested all those years, energy and resources into you. In the end, you left him for another guy and you didn't even breakup with him before you did it. Did you tell him the truth? There was very little respect shown on your part for that relationship.

It's self-defeating for you. It makes you feel like crap about yourself because you end up with regret/guilt regarding your treatment of someone else, by your actions. That can keep you stuck in the past for a long time dwelling over the wrong you did. It's also defeating because it makes you look bad to people around you as well as the other guy you end up jumping into a relationship with. Make no mistake that although you two would have had a great time at first, when things settled down and got real, he would found himself questioning your loyalty and trust simply because of how you two ended up together. Because of how you ended your ex-boyriend. What if you end up doing the same thing to him as well? How would he know if you were talking to someone else? Without trust, the whole thing falls apart.

When we breakup, we need time to sort our head out. Remember that. There are too many people out there sliding into something new without fully getting over the past, using the new relationship as a way to get over the old. When you do this, you are simply transferring your emotional issues and problems into the new relationship along with the pain and unresolved emotions of breaking up from the old. It'll all resurface once all the fun and passion of the new relationship start to die down, months later and you'll find yourself feeling empty and hollow..which will make you feel worse.

The best lesson for you is to learn how to be on your own right now. Learn how to be secure and content with your own company. Find your smile by yourself. When you do, you're ready for something new. All in all, if you want to date again, be single. If you want longterm commitment, stay in a relationship. Don't cheat, don't line people up, don't use them.

- Beach

July 13, 2019

The posters above pretty much hit all the points I would make.

I would just stress that this guy was NEVER perfect, he didn't change. The situation changed, your expectations changed, your behavior toward him changed.

Just look at this as a learning experience.

July 13, 2019

@eskimogirl

I wanted to add something to my previous post regarding this quote.

Now a month later I'm still thinking about him. It was just so good. All the things we said we would do while we were in an almost relationship, like travelling together is not going to happen anymore. I even imagined our wedding dance at the height of all the craziness. Sucks. And yeah I deserve it for cheating and getting into this situation the first place.

This to me suggests that you are not all that aware of yourself.

This is just passion and sporadic feelings that come from something new. It's short-term. You got caught up in it and mistook those feelings for something that longterm and lasting. This stuff fades when things become a routine and reality settles in. Eventually, what's left is who he really is. Who you really are. Your life situations regarding your career, social life and families. You two have to go through ups and downs together and see eachother at your worst and learn to deal together. If the both of you are still around through it, you build loyalty, respect, trust and this builds love which is the stuff that is strong and resilient and longterm. This is what you use when you consider something serious like marriage. But it takes time and hard work to build that. Take care to differentiate between both.

- Beach

Edited July 13, 2019 by Beachead

July 14, 2019

To be honest, I don't know why you think it would occur to him to check in on you. He would have rightfully assumed that you'd be happy to be out and spend time with him.

Thanks Basil67. This has really changed my perspective. I had no idea. Before, I did try to put myself in his shoes, if it was the other way round, although I would be peeved he would be upset over his ex-gf, I would still care for him and check in because breakups are hard.

I don't know if I should reveal this information as it might be a bit of a game changer. My ex-bf of 5 years cheated on his ex-gf with me. But there was only an overlap of 1 week. I told him he needed to break up with his gf and he did. He was upset about it but I was there for him on the night of the break up. (I think this experience probably changed my expectation of how the guy would treat me).

Despite that beginning, we had 5 very happy and healthy years since then, built on trust, respect and care. I had stayed loyal for all of those even though something was missing for the last few years (the physical side). The very worst of it, we didn't have sex for the last 10 months. He knew I didn't feel attraction for him anymore but he was willing to keep going without sex because all the LT-relationship side was so good. I think we both coasted like that for a while. I asked for a break in Feb on the basis that I didn't know what I wanted physically and wanted to explore (he was my first and only), but ex-bf didn't take it seriously and he got super painfully upset so to soothe him we carried on. Then out of frustration I went on the dating app, thought I'd go on a few dates to meet new people nothing physical until I met this guy that evolved into something more serious.

July 14, 2019

Expecting him to make sure you were okay during your breakup was plain unrealistic, OP. No guy is going to want to play that sort of role, so I agree with him in that regard. Your emotions regarding your break-up were yours to deal with and it was not fair to lash out at him for not supporting you in the way you expected. Not his job.

Thank you. I've realised that people come into relationships with two different expectations and perspectives that are formed by past experiences. I now understand it was unfair to lash out and get worked up because of my expectation (if you read my prior post, you may understand why).

Having said that, I don't think this was a particularly good guy either. It's pretty rich that he questions your moral compass when he actively participated in the cheating himself and didn't seem to have a problem with it until you actually became single. It's not as though he is Mr. Ethics, either.

He really made me feel bad about this and didn't apologise for hurtful things he said. I think because I liked him so much, I kept making excuses for him and didn't see this. So it helps to get outside perspective.

Addressing the chemistry you feel you shared: you probably felt heightened attraction to him because you were obviously not happy with your then-boyfriend. He was an exciting thrill, something new, a stark contrast to the mundane and familiar. That type of chemistry often doesn't translate well when the affair is no longer an affair. The sparks tend to fade when cheaters try to transition into an actual relationship; the novelty disappears. You cannot be so sure that you two would have worked out as a couple once the goalposts of the relationship changed.

The tough thing is, I will never know how it could have turned out LT. It wasn't just chemistry, but everything else, all my boxes ticked. We had potential for a solid friendship too. But I guess it wasn't meant to be because he gave up/broke up with me.

My point is that you need to forget him and, yes, reflect on the lessons learned here. He lost interest and it doesn't sound like your relationship with him was going to last anyway.

Thanks ExpatInItaly. He lost interest. I need to accept that it will never come back. I was clinging on to the hope that some couples do come back together after years of growing but I think I put the final nail on the coffin with my hostile last message, which I know I shouldn't do again.

Literally I made all the mistakes after someone breaks up with you. I didn't do NC for 1 month, appeared desperate, and wrote a hostile message. Didn't allow myself time to reflect. My approach would have been different if I saw all your messages in time.

July 14, 2019

Some people, often commitment-phobes, deliberately get into relationships with attached people as it takes the heat off them.
"I would get "serious", but she has a bf, so I am safe, I do not need to commit"
Once she gives up the bf, he is suddenly exposed, so he turns tail and runs.
Or
He may not want to get involved with a woman who could so easily cheat on her bf, hypocritical maybe, but it happens.
Fine for fun but for a real relationship no.

When you get involved in the murky waters of infidelity anything is possible. Classy, decent guys do not get involved with a woman cheating on her bf.

I think there was some element of the commitment phobia. He was 33 and only had 1 year gf before, and they met out travelling and travelled together for 3 months, then 9 months long distance. IMO i don't think that's representative of a real relationship when you have to deal with real life and communicating properly. He told me he wasn't a player and he was genuine about that.

I did probe him whether things would change after I broke up with ex-bf and he made me pinky finger him to 'let's see how it goes'. That's why I never thought he was upset by the whole situation until the very end he got fed up. Towards the end he said he'd like things to get more serious but it's hard with my current situation.

This mess up was part-communication issues, part-trust. Whatsapp kills relationships. I guess it was doomed from the beginning because of how it started. It's so sad.

July 14, 2019

Eskimogirl,

Neither of you are the victim. Your ex boyfriend of 5 years is. A person whom invested all those years, energy and resources into you. In the end, you left him for another guy and you didn't even breakup with him before you did it. Did you tell him the truth? There was very little respect shown on your part for that relationship.

You're right. My poor ex-bf. The last thing I want to do is hurt him more. I didn't tell him the truth. I broke up with him because I said I thought it wasn't right to lack the physical side for the rest of our lives. I know the moral principle is to be honest but isn't a higher moral principle to do no further harm? I told my friends about my situation and they all said it's better not to tell him because he may have trust issues in future. One did say I should tell him only if I wanted to continue the relationship with him.

It's self-defeating for you. It makes you feel like crap about yourself because you end up with regret/guilt regarding your treatment of someone else, by your actions. That can keep you stuck in the past for a long time dwelling over the wrong you did. It's also defeating because it makes you look bad to people around you as well as the other guy you end up jumping into a relationship with. Make no mistake that although you two would have had a great time at first, when things settled down and got real, he would found himself questioning your loyalty and trust simply because of how you two ended up together. Because of how you ended your ex-boyriend. What if you end up doing the same thing to him as well? How would he know if you were talking to someone else? Without trust, the whole thing falls apart.

I do feel crap like something has been chipped off me. My optimism and desire to do the right thing has gone. All the pureness I had from my 5 year relationship has gone. Also once I started telling one close friend that I cheated, I ended up telling 7 more. Now most of my friends know how I cheated but they were very understanding. They probably think differently of me now but I'm still touched by how supportive they have been.

I did bring up the trust issue with the guy, and he did say we would never to the point where I had to cheat because we would either address any issues we had or break up. At the time he said this, I felt we both really trusted each other. I think there was an inkling that the trust side could have worked out, also given how my ex-bf and I started.

When we breakup, we need time to sort our head out. Remember that. There are too many people out there sliding into something new without fully getting over the past, using the new relationship as a way to get over the old. When you do this, you are simply transferring your emotional issues and problems into the new relationship along with the pain and unresolved emotions of breaking up from the old. It'll all resurface once all the fun and passion of the new relationship start to die down, months later and you'll find yourself feeling empty and hollow..which will make you feel worse.

@eskimogirl

I wanted to add something to my previous post regarding this quote.

This to me suggests that you are not all that aware of yourself.

This is just passion and sporadic feelings that come from something new. It's short-term. You got caught up in it and mistook those feelings for something that longterm and lasting. This stuff fades when things become a routine and reality settles in. Eventually, what's left is who he really is. Who you really are. Your life situations regarding your career, social life and families. You two have to go through ups and downs together and see eachother at your worst and learn to deal together. If the both of you are still around through it, you build loyalty, respect, trust and this builds love which is the stuff that is strong and resilient and longterm. This is what you use when you consider something serious like marriage. But it takes time and hard work to build that. Take care to differentiate between both.

- Beach

You're right fun and passion was always going to fade. What remains underneath is our true selves. I think after all this, how he's treated me, he's revealed his true self even though he was hurting, he could have treated me with more care and respect.

What you say about marriage, I really feel I went through that with my 5yr ex. I even told him during the break up that I think we would work well together married because we had all those ingredients. But no more sex for the rest of our lives? He was happy to sacrifice that side for me, but I don't think I was, I need sex in a relationship. He suggested open relationship but after all this that happened, out of guilt, I couldn't do that to him and I couldn't trust myself that I wouldn't ditch him for another guy eventually anyway.

The best lesson for you is to learn how to be on your own right now. Learn how to be secure and content with your own company. Find your smile by yourself. When you do, you're ready for something new. All in all, if you want to date again, be single. If you want longterm commitment, stay in a relationship. Don't cheat, don't line people up, don't use them.

- Beach

Thanks Beach, I really need to work on myself. It's hard when all your friends are settled down and moving on, but everyone's path is different.

Edited July 14, 2019 by eskimogirl

July 14, 2019

I just want to thank you all for taking time to read about my mess up. It's a lot of words here and as douche said, "I'm not going to write an essay" (referring to my messages).

I don't want to impose my troubles on you further so don't feel obliged to reply to all my long replies although you're very welcome to. But every post here is helping me get through this and process what's happened. There's nothing like impartial advice from internet strangers to get perspective. I hope I'm lucky one day to find someone who will understand me and what I've done.

Edited July 14, 2019 by eskimogirl

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