He agreed to go on a date but ghosted me when I asked him to decide

[Anamaine]

Im just gonna rant here about my current situation… feel free to comment because i really need advice so i could at least pull my sh*t together a bit.

 

I met this guy through a dating app and we’ve been going out for a month already. He’s a really great guy, a real gentleman, and has good family values. But its been a month and im still not sure about him. Is it normal that everytime we go out he mentions his girl bestfriend (who has a bf btw) and how platonic their relationship is? like he talks a lot about how she’s the girl version of him and even bought a cookie for her when we were on a date. When we’ve got nothing to talk about, he also mentioned one of his female friend and even showed me her fb and told me she has a great figure. like wtf man are you that insensitive?

 

Then there’s me, i feel very insecure because on our first date we shared stories about our past relationships. He told me that he was in a 5 year relationship and has been single for 6 months already while ive been single for 3 years. I saw his ex and damn she is so pretty. He described her as playful and talkative which is very different from me. He tells me im quiet and thin, makes me wonder why he kept on asking me out. I also feel kind of intimidated when im with him because he has a lot of hobbies and experience which is why most of the time he's the one talking and sharing stories.

 

Anyway, we usually text but our texting usually stops when i dont reply back. He wouldnt initiate a text unless he’s the one who didnt reply back. But just last week we were texting and he told me he’s going out drinking with friends and asked me what my plans are that night. I told him my friend asked me to go out drinking but the guy i previously had a thing with will be there so I told him ill pass. After that i asked him if we could go out sometime, he said ok when but i told him he decide cause im free most of the time (since im on a vacation). Never got a text back and its been a week. Is this the end for us or should i send him a message? Its been driving me crazy cause I know theres a lot of red flags already but I cant disregard the good points about him.

[PRW]

I'll split up your message and just give some of my thoughts along the way through it.

 

I met this guy through a dating app

Strike one. The online crap,...is just that,...crap. It is full of people who don't have a prayer of getting a date any other way. Not that they are accomplishing anything this way either,...but they think they will

 

and we’ve been going out for a month already. He’s a really great guy, a real gentleman, and has good family values. But its been a month and im still not sure about him.

That is because your instincts are telling you that your first impressions may not be correct. Yes, he may be gentle, pleasant, polite, nice, etc. But there is more to this.

 

Is it normal that everytime we go out he mentions his girl bestfriend (who has a bf btw) and how platonic their relationship is?

He thinks being "besties" with women will give him street cred with women and will help him understand women better. He is wrong on both counts but he is effectively bragging about it or showing it off to you because he thinks it is true and that it will impress you. He wants to impress you that he knows women "so well" and has so much experience understanding women. If you marry a guy like this you will to some degree be marrying a "male woman". The PUA and dating advice community might call a guy like this "The Gay Male Girlfriend". Doesn't mean they are gay,...it is just a figure of speech. Obviously I have never met the guy, but from what you describe it looks like this.

 

Then there’s me, i feel very insecure because on our first date we shared stories about our past relationships.

Never do this, ever, especially on the early dates when you first meet. I know bringing up the past and past relationships is a big temptation and you can get dragged into a conversation like this even when you try to avoid it,...but,...stop. The date needs to be only about the present, or "in the moment". Also never talk about the "future" of what you and the one you are with might do together. That creates unrealistic expectations and the one doing it the most is probably desperate and over-invested,...they probably thinking about what the babies will look like already.

 

He told me that he was in a 5 year relationship and has been single for 6 months already while ive been single for 3 years. I saw his ex and damn she is so pretty. He described her as playful and talkative which is very different from me. He tells me im quiet and thin, makes me wonder why he kept on asking me out. I also feel kind of intimidated when im with him because he has a lot of hobbies and experience which is why most of the time he's the one talking and sharing stories.

He got dumped and is trying to find a replacement. He is probing you to see how malleable you are to being shaped into her replacement. He is the one doing all the talking because he is covering up his insecurities by trying to impress you with everything he is talking about. He feels unworthy (especially after a really hot chick dumped him) and he is really really trying to impress you and get you to like him,...to see he is worthy.

 

But just last week we were texting and he told me he’s going out drinking with friends and asked me what my plans are that night.

Mixed feelings there. Last minute things are a lack of planning and foresight. "With friends" is not good, the friends can be intimidating to you by them having preconceived expectations he may have placed in their minds and them expecting certain behavor from you toward him.

 

...he decide cause im free most of the time (since im on a vacation).

He should always decide just by virture of it being a leadership skill he needs to demonstrate. That doesn't mean he can't take input from you and pick something he knows you like,...but he still needs to make the decision.

 

Never got a text back and its been a week. Is this the end for us or should i send him a message? Its been driving me crazy cause I know theres a lot of red flags already but I cant disregard the good points about him.

Let it go and see what he does. He has been putting in so much energy, being so "try-hard" that he may be just wearing out. Also you met him online,...so he probably met others too at the same time and another potential Ex-Replacement may have popped up.

 

To help keep your own emotions in control you need to try to have 2-3 total other guys (him being one) in the mix so that mentally you will know you have "options" and not get too invested in the wrong one too soon. Plus you can compare them against each other to help maintain perspective. But keep it light and casual, don't get invested!! Don't narrow down to one until one has demonstrated that he has risen to the top above the others.

 

In the end this guy could be a decent guy. I used to be just like him years ago. But he has a lot of work ahead of him in getting his act together. It is up to you to decide what to do about it.

Edited July 11, 2019 by PRW

[clia]

It's over. He's not interested. Just move on.

 

Then there’s me, i feel very insecure because on our first date we shared stories about our past relationships.

 

In the future, don't do this.

[Azathoth]

Strike one. The online crap,...is just that,...crap. It is full of people who don't have a prayer of getting a date any other way. Not that they are accomplishing anything this way either,...but they think they will

It's difficult to tell if you're implying the OP is one of these people.

[Trail Blazer]

There is zero future for you guys. Stop wasting your time with this man. There are way too many red flags.

[It'sSmiley]

He ghosted you. Next!

[smackie9]

#1 talking about past relationships, how bad it was, etc on a first date or any other date is bad. First dates should be positive, flirty and fun.

 

#2 this guy is thick headed. There is nothing more of a turn off listening to a guy talk fondly of another women, how nice a figure she has, bringing her up on a date as conversation, let alone buying a cookie..eeegaaad! And his negging, seriously this guy has no couth.

 

#3 he ghosts on you....loser. TBH I would have dumped his butt after the first date.

[Flame Aura]

He is still not over his ex. It's only been 6 months and he's talking about her, how she acts, showing you pictures. He's not over her yet.

 

 

He seems inexperienced with women. Talking about other women like that even if they are 'friends' is just a massive no no when you are dating someone new.

 

 

When a guy is interested in you, he won't not reply for a week.

 

 

He's not interested, and that's a good thing for you. Next.

[The Outlaw]

Anyone that talks about or shows off pictures of an ex isn't over them and isn't ready to jump back into the dating game. He may have his good points, but if he can't be bothered to confirm plans with you and it's been a week, let him go. Anyone that ghosts you (no matter how good they may seem to be) isn't ever worth it in the end. Trust me, I've been there before. You haven't lost anything.

[newyorker11356]

It's over. He's not interested. Just move on.

 

 

 

In the future, don't do this.

 

Eh, I don't see it as an issue if it comes up organically. It's happened to me before on first dates. Nothing wrong with it.

 

It's difficult to tell if you're implying the OP is one of these people.

 

Yeah, I rolled my eyes at that one lol

[Redhead14]

He just wants someone to be his emotional tampon and a distraction while he's dealing with his break up. She's just a place holder. He isn't quite ready to go on a date but wants the "option".

[Anamaine]

Thanks for the advice guys, really needed those words of wisdom even though i already knew the answer hehe

[PRW]

It's difficult to tell if you're implying the OP is one of these people.

Hmmm... Ok. I wasn't,...but I see your point.