Am I wrong? I left her tonight...

[Forget About Her]

Brief history so you can get the picture. My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for almost 4 months. We became very close, very comfortable and very very happy within that time. I have a problem trusting people in general, and she would often get upset about me not trusting her. I am a little upset about her sexual past, and we get in fights about how many guys she has slept with in the past year.

 

She constantly tells me that she's never given me a reason not to trust her, and that I should. She was a smoker when I met her. After a couple weeks she agreed that she wanted to quit and made a promise. I ask her every once and a while if she's had a cigarette and she always tells me "NO", emphatically. Tonight, I go into her work to surprise her, and I see her go outside and smoke a cigarette with a co-worker.

 

I confront her, tell her that I can't believe that she has been lying to me the past 3 months, and that if she is willing to lie about this, what else would she lie about. She started crying and begging me not to leave, and I told her it was over. We are officially done.

 

I really wanted to get your guys take on the situation.

[Gold Pile]

Never knew anyone to be dumped for smoking.

 

Considering her prolific sexual past, I'd like to help you put her behind you, so you can move on.

 

May I have her number?

[Forget About Her]

It's not the smoking per se, it's the principle. Does anyone see where I'm coming from, or am I being an idiot?

[johan]

I have to say that I wouldn't break up over that. I'd be annoyed maybe, but I wouldn't break up.

 

The "if you'd lie about this" line is too much. That's your issue, not hers.

 

As far as your point about the principle, well, I think you're taking it too far.

[jhurtinct]

i think ur wrong IMO due to the fact that I smoke, and I've made the same promise to my SO. Its a very hard promise to keep, one that I now realize I should have never made because it was too unrealistic for me to keep. I would never promise it again, but I have also never lied about anything else ever in my relationship(almost 7 yrs) so just because of this it doesn't mean she will either, although doesn't mean she won't either, that depends on the person. I say give her another chance and she was smoking when u met:)

[Razorback05]

I'm going to have to say that I feel you overreacted.

 

Smokes are HARD to quit. I smoke and I've made promises but cigarettes are totally DEMONIC lol...they call out for you in the night when your SO is asleep! How much support have you offered her to help her quit? Just something to think about.

 

Thinking about or bringing up a girl's sexual past doesn't get you anywhere. You simply accept it or not and move from there IMO.

[lynnered]

I agree with the one who said she was smoking when U met her U cant go changing people,and her sexual past if it bothers U that much you have been together 4 months then move on.

Ur having all these issues this early on life is short ,

find a virgin non smoker

goodluck

[Fritz]

Yeah, I think you overreacted. Perhaps her past relationships were an issue and you used this as a convenient out. Still I can see your point, since like you I hate smoking. I don't think I could ever really seriously date or live with someone who smoked daily.

[teck21]

Hi,

 

Your case is like mine in some respects. I am the smoker, BUT the one who had a problem with my GF's history.

 

My GF caught me smoking for the second time a few weeks ago, and left, but only for a few hours even though she made it clear after the first time she'd walk if I lied about it a second time.

 

For some people, the smoking is the issue, in which case it becomes simply a case of 'can i take this person being a smoker/fat/smelly etc'. For others, it's lying that's the issue.

 

Now you have already gone the 'what else would she lie about' route. Now the whole idea of being totally truthful is based on trust, because absolute truthfulness (assuming sucha thing does exist) can never be ascertained. You simply have to trust that the other party is being truthful.

 

I prefer 'I trust that you will not lie to me on the matters that will break my heart', crude as the idea sounds. In other words, I trust that if my GF lied to me, she knows it in her heart that it is not to hurt me.

 

Of course, such a level of understanding does require that certain 'objective' standards be met, mainly pertaining to one's own intellectual and moral (and I use thi term very guardedly) beliefs.

 

For example, I am pretty certain that almost everyone here would agree that having a romantic relationship while in another committed one is unforgiveably deceitfully, whereas it is okay to lie about something like 'do I look fat'.

 

It's about where one draws the line, and we have to trust our partners enough to know they know where to draw it.

 

If you can accept this, then it becomes a case of whether you can tolerate her smoking habit, or whether she is instantly condemned to a religion-of-your-chioce hell or a secular hell (if there is one) for being a smoker.

 

Lying (or ex-lying) smokers like myself can come up with a million and one reasons why non-smoking partners should not kick up such a storm over the fact that we do, but really, even we know just about all of these are indefensible.

 

Suffice to say that:

 

a) we think we are protecting our partners, misguided as it sounds,

b) we really think it's nothing bigger than some other annoying habit (as Johan puts it) like picking one's nose, or eating five Big Macs at one go,

c) we never smoke when lying to our partners about it (which defeats the whole purpose of lying really), and often still do not smoke, or even hint of smoke (try we do), in their sight

d) we all think we're gonna quit very soon

[kgal]

Hmm smoking? I guess you were just mad cuz you trusted her.. and she told you she didn't have a cigarette while at work, she would. I can understand... you either have to trust her about the "other" stuff.. or maybe dumping her was good FOR YOU so you can find a non-smoker who wouldn't lie to you about ANYTHING at all.

[teck21]

But like some other posters have pointed out, I also think your issue is not so much about her smoking (although whether its about her lying about smoking is something only you know), but your inability to come to grips with her history, which is also something I struggled with for a long time.

 

Lots of people are have, are and will give you advice to the extent of 'it's history, get over it'. Very sensitive and useful advice. Sensitive as a toilet seat and nowhere near as useful.

 

Let's face it, in almost every case of one person being unable to get over the romantic or/and sexual history of a partner, it says more about the the person than the partner.

 

I need to make some assumptions regarding your case first though.

 

a) It is not so important how you found out about your GF's history (maybe I am just wishing to excuse myself because I did invade her privacy to find out), but whenever the issue comes up, however hurtful it may be to you and her, she has been forthright about it.

 

b) Her history is not the lying/cheating/backstabbing kind. Of course people can and do change, but sometimes we all make mistakes from which recovery and forgiveness is not easy to attain, and we must not expect it from just about anyone, no matter how hard we try.

 

In my Gf's case, she did have quite a number of partners before I met her, not at the same time though! (Do I have anyway of knowing for sure? ), the last one being very, very shortly before I met her.

 

It upset me for a long time, especially when I was reminded of anything at all from her past, even the most harmless and inadvertent slips would set me off (no, I never lost my temper or anything, I would just get all sullen and withdrawn but was mean to her in more subtle ways).

 

I always knew, as you do too, that the past is past, and the present and future are what count. Works well in theory, feeling it is something else altogether.

 

The problem therefore, was either something about her, or something about me. Obviously the problem lay with me, since in every aspect that does matter, I could not, and cannot ask for a better partner (she could be a little bit less of a princess sometimes though!).

 

Logically and theoretically, if I knew this, I should not have been upset at all, yet I was.

 

It took me a while, but I figured that almost all of it had to do with the fact she is the first real relationship I've had. In my case, I felt it all boiled down to jealousy.

 

To me, it was like she was out there having such a great time while I was suffering so much for so many years alone with a single friend named Jack and who is always 12-years old. Why was she having all the fun and me doing all the suffering (mostly of my own doing though) all that time?

 

And also in her case, her family was another reason why she did have the relationships that she did, especially in the immediate few years before me. As far as I am concerned, her family are bad for her, and I do feel that I am being very objective in saying that.

 

She needed to escape and was vulnerable (especially since intellectually and emotionally, she is not really very strong), so how could I possibly blame her for the fact that I did not meet her sooner? Or maybe when we were both teens? Would we have gotten together if we did? These and other tricky questions.

 

It has been about half a year since I've felt, err, better, and I have been with my GF for nineteen months, and I didn't get upset until we were in our third month, so yeah, I was angry for 8 months.

 

Most importantly, in all the time I have been with her, she has with every word and action, when needed, demonstrated her dovotion and affection for me. That I should have any reason to doubt her is absurd.

 

 

FAH, none of us know your GF as a person, or the exact circumstances of her history, only you do and are qualified to make any sort of judgement, hopefully a sound one. As to why her history does upset you, maybe you should seriously give it some thought. Use your rationality to temper your emotions.

 

When I say I am over my GF's past, it does not mean that it never bothers me at all anymore. It still does, but not to the point where I feel it endangers the relationship.

 

I have told her why I feel the way I do about her past, without recrimination I hope. I have asked her to be more mindful of my sensitivity (obviously I wish I had less sensitivity to it, like I know a lot of people have none at all) when talking about her past. To her it may be nothing, to me it is and will always (as far as I know) be an issue simply because I have no comparable experience.

 

She keeps in contact with her exes (something I don't believe is necessary, then again, I haven't got any to keep in contact with so I can't be sure how I'd feel if I had any). She does sometimes go out with them, although never in a romantic setting so to speak. I trust her, but there are things I never have to know.

 

I have told her effectively, to do it all behind my back. That whatever happened in the past stays there, the memories of her past relationships are hers and I really won't feel good at all having any of it shared with me.

 

Do I feel it is unfair that she should have to tip her toes on the issue of her past when with me? Of course I do, and I appreciate her understanding. I do hope that the day will come when this becomes a non-issue, but this is how I deal with it right now, and I feel it works. I am uncomfortable when dealing with her past, but I am not angry about it.

 

s***, this was really loong. Hope I have made some sense.

 

FAH, you have to make up your own mind on whether you can deal with the issues you face. If there is in fact any advice I can give, all I can say is that if I were your GF, I would be feeling very aggrieved and harshly judged.

[mixwell]

No offense but who the hell do you think you are to judge her by her smoking ?? Don't try to change a person because its not going to happen.. Yeah she shouldn't have made a promise to stop. Personally if I met a girl that didn't except me for who I was I would say F**k you.. You need to grow up and realize that she is an adult.. by trying to control her you are only going to push her away..

 

and the if you lied about this you will lie about other things is BS... My ex used to use that line on me as well as my parents when I was a kid and it pisses me off.. Stop being such a control freak. Also its none of your business how many guys shes been with. She is trusting you by letting her know and you use it against her ? This is why I will never tell a girl how many partners I have had.. You have only been with this chick 4 months and if you are trying to f**k up the relationship you are doing a pretty good job..

 

Stop worrying soo much about her past and judging her.. Big deal if she smokes.. Personally I smoke and its hard to stop.. At least look at it as she is trying to quit (so it would see) to please you.. How old are you anyways? I would say no older than 24... Just chill out and let her live her life a little. Stop being insecure with her past sexual experience also. if you can't handle it then you shouldn't be with her.. Sorry if I seem harsh but thats how I feel...

 

Peace

[fusangite]

It's not the smoking per se, it's the principle. Does anyone see where I'm coming from, or am I being an idiot?

You're being an idiot. Not all lies are the same. I trust a number of people who I know will occasionally lie to me about the little things; but I trust that they will be truthful with me about the big things. If your "trust" of this woman can't accommodate one lie, it's not really trust at all but just eternal probation.

[Forget About Her]

Good points in this thread. I want to make it clear that smoking is not really the issue. If she said that she wanted to quit, and would try to gradually decrease her smoking, that would have been fine. But it's the constant lying over the past 3+ months everytime I asked if she had been staying smoke free. I found a cigarette box in her car and she told me it was her room-mates. Once I stopped by her house and told her that her breath kind of smelled like smoke and she swore to me that she hadn't been smoking.

 

It's the lying that I can't put up with. Her past really isn't that bad, and I can get over that, I was just mentioning that is why we were having some recent issues.

[kgal]

I'm guessing she just lied because she didn't want to lose you over it... so she lied. Smoking is hard to quit, I assume (I dont smoke myself)... I can imagine trying to give up chocolate for a guy.. and that would be IMPOSSIBLE! So.. when you met her, did she smoke? You have to just accept her for what she does... even if she can't help it. MY ex smoked.. tried to quit on and off.. but he still battles w/it.

 

Anyways.. I just hope you didn't throw out a good 'ship over this. It's none of my business, I know.. but you have to just do what you feel is best for the both of you in this.

[Tiredofsame`ol]

Were you just looking for an excuse to get rid of her? This seems like a really vain reason to leave her. Smoking is an addiction. As with all addictions you have to WANT to stop. She won't stop smoking for you, you have to accept that. She has to stop smoking for herself in order to do it successfully. I just stopped one day because I hated the way my clothes smelled, I hated the way my chest felt, even when I laughed. It does damage you. But I did it cold turkey on my own, because I wanted to. Not for anyone else. When I did it for someone else, I felt like I was denying myself something, which stressed me out, which made me want to get another pack of cigarettes and smoke. You have a control issue. It's a brand new relationship and you are willing to throw it away for something stupid. Instead of giving her ultimatums, help her. Ask her what drives her to smoke. There could be underlying issues.

[Cecelius]

You've admitted that the issue is less that she is smoking than that she lied about it -- this particular lie is one of those lesser important items, but I take your point.

 

The other bigger issue is her sexual past, which you don't explain how you know about it, but if you get back together with her (which I don't recommend) I have the following to offer:

 

1) Talking/fighting about it CANNOT help your situation. All that will happen is that you look weak and insecure, all she can do is get defensive because basically, she thinks you think she's slutty.

 

2) Her sexual past is as much your business as you want to make of it. You have an absolute right not to date someone you don't respect, and a girl who gets around a lot (compared to what you think you are looking for) isn't someone you are going to respect. Since you already know about it, now's the time to evaluate whether she's someone you want to be with -- relationships are not supposed to be that tortured.

 

If you don't respect her/like her/ think she's less than what you would otherwise want, then just dump her. Otherwise, you are going to look for TINY little slips in all your relationships (like the smoking thing) and use them as your "event" to precipitate breaking up when you perhaps were really breaking up because of her past.

 

It's simple - -there're billions of girls on the planet. If you find one you like but can't date because she's got too many skeletons, then just move on to the next one. But don't torture yourself and her over the situation.

[kgal]

When I did it for someone else, I felt like I was denying myself something, which stressed me out, which made me want to get another pack of cigarettes and smoke.

 

LOL!!

Honest yet it made me chuckle