I disclosed my GHSV1 for the first time and got rejected. Is my love life over?

July 10, 2019

Hello,

I’m a 24 year old woman who contracted genital hsv1 about 3 years ago. I had 2 minor outbreaks initially and haven’t had anything since. I’ve been casually dating but haven’t had to disclose because there was no one I came across that I could see things going longterm.

About a month ago I met a guy who was seriously so perfect. Handsome, great job, charming. He said and did all the right things. We went on 5 dates. On the 4 date he said how I was the first person in a long time that he felt he had an emotional and physical connection to. He said he wanted to take me home but was too interested in getting to me so he wanted to take it slow.

I disclosed to him in person on our 5th date. At first he was super cool with it because he thought that he too, had HSV1 orally(aka cold sores). He said he still wanted to see me and we continued our date for another 3 hours.

The next day I didn’t hear from him so I sent him a text telling him I understood if it was a dealbreaker and that there were no hard feelings. To which he said “ I don’t want to make a snap decision, I’m going to need more than a day to think about this. I also have some things happening in parallel to this that I also have to consider”. I responded “I completely understand. Thanks for your honesty”. It’s been 3 days and I haven’t heard from him so I think I know (and fully understand) what his decision was.

I’m just so devastated, this is the first guy that ever truly showed so much interest, SINCERE interest in me. If I couldn’t be worth the risk for him then I understand and expect that I won’t be worth the risk for anyone. I feel so diseased and unlovable. I had to take off work yesterday and I’ve hardly eaten. I looked at some of those dating sites for other people with herpes and they look so abysmal— everyone is to ashamed to even have a picture of themselves up. I just feel hopeless. dating was already hard enough for me, I’ve never had a boyfriend, and now I have this Scarlett letter hanging above my head. I honestly feel suicidal.

July 10, 2019

there are lots on here that have navigated the dating scene having herpes with np. There are plenty who don't see an issue with it. I remember years ago there were a few dating site specifically for people who had herpes so there were no issues meeting others. Not sure if they still exist.

July 10, 2019

there are lots on here that have navigated the dating scene having herpes with np. There are plenty who don't see an issue with it. I remember years ago there were a few dating site specifically for people who had herpes so there were no issues meeting others. Not sure if they still exist.

Yeah, I looked at those sites and they looked pretty abysmal. Made me even more depressed.

July 10, 2019

There has got to be some kind of support group to help you. I think you would benefit from talking to people that have navigated the dating world with genital herpes. Because I honestly can't give you advice on how to go about that. I think you'd benefit from talking to people in similar circumstances, so you don't feel so alone.

July 10, 2019

I think that half the problem is that no one is actually educated about herpes. Not even those that have it. For instance, just because you haven't had any further outbreaks it doesn't mean that you are free from spreading it. Google "Shedding" and it explains how someone can still contact it from n infected person eve if there are no sores.

Perhaps if you could inform your potential partners and educate them on your vast knowledge of the infection or even suggest before they make a decision to talk to their own health care professional about it, you may find more to be less skiddish about it.

I am a 24 year old woman who contracted genital hsv1 about 3 years ago.

I’ve never had a boyfriend,

*sighs*

Tallgirl: You aren't the only one out there with herpes so don't be so negative on yourself that you proclaim to be suicidal. My mom used to say "every pot as a lid" You will find your lid but you have to be in a good frame of mind to do it.

Hold your head up high and be positive.

July 10, 2019

Someone I was friends with quite a while ago had what you have. Some guys continued to see her after she told them, in some cases I think they had it as well.

I'm aware of only one guy who wouldn't see her again after she told him and it really bothered her and made her not want to "reveal" it in the future. If there were others who rejected her because of it, she didn't tell me. I'm no longer in contact with her but a mutual friend told me she has a serious boyfriend now.

You did the right thing by telling him the truth and I hope you continue to do so in the future.

I'm sorry you have this issue to deal with.

July 11, 2019

there are lots on here that have navigated the dating scene having herpes with np. There are plenty who don't see an issue with it. I remember years ago there were a few dating site specifically for people who had herpes so there were no issues meeting others. Not sure if they still exist.

I was going to respond the same way with this. There were these websites where you can date others with this, if that's what you're concerned about. As for this new guy? I don't know what to advise.

July 11, 2019

Google search: Percentage of people with herpes.

More than 50 percent of American adults have oral herpes, which is commonly called cold sores or fever blisters. Oral herpes is almost always due to HSV-1 infection. About one in eight people ages 14-49 in the United States have genital HSV-2 infection.

July 11, 2019

Google search: Percentage of people with herpes.

If you're going to do a search on something everybody thinks they're an expert on, post your link. https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/products/databriefs/db304.htm

HSV1 aged 14-49 United States

47.8% Total population unadjusted

45.2 Male

50.9 Female

36.9 Non-Hispanic white

55.7 Non-Hispanic Asian

58.8 Non-Hispanic black

71.7 Mexican-American

11.9 HSV2

One think I find interesting is the 'cultural' variance

July 11, 2019

I was just listening to the "Death, Sex and Money" podcast yesterday and they had two episode on this subject. One segment was with a woman with a parallel story to yours. You should go look it up--it's their January 16th and 18th podcasts.

July 11, 2019

So you were sleeping with guys knowing you had herpes but not disclosing that because you couldn't see a long term future with them?

Herpes is a big deal, despite how some people like to try and minimize it. Love is possible but you might have to take some knocks along the way. That's how life goes, actions sometimes have consequences. Get through it the best you can and keep working toward what you want. Or give up and never get what you want. Up to you.

Please, for the love of God though, in the future always disclose you have that before you sleep with anyone, short or long term.

July 11, 2019

My heart goes to you. Have you well informed yourself about genital hsv1 ? hsv1 favorite place is above the neck when it's transmitted below the waist it doesn't really like its new home so it 'most of the time' goes dormant and you'll only experience 1 outbreak in your life.

Are you taking Valtrex daily?

About dating now. I carry hsv2, it was rarely a problem for me while dating. I never made it a big deal out of it, the way you present it to your date is important. I told my dates on our 3rd date, because I don't care about them yet. I'd tell them I got the virus, I don't have outbreaks but I still take my antiviral daily to protect my partner. I ask if they have questions and tell them to not trust google, I'd prefer they ask their doctor if they want to educate themselves on the subject.

As for the dating sites for positives I hated it and remained on it 1 week. Most men there were looking for sex and were ready to fly me from anywhere to get it.

Confidence is your best ally. When a man meets you he has to be blown away by your confidence that this virus won't even weigh in the balance. That's how I dated. I lost weight, I ran 5km a day, I got a sexy wardrobe, a sassy haircut, when men met me they were so blown away they didn't care about my virus. Heck! I had tons of sex offer EVEN with this.

July 11, 2019

So you were sleeping with guys knowing you had herpes but not disclosing that because you couldn't see a long term future with them?

Please, for the love of God though, in the future always disclose you have that before you sleep with anyone, short or long term.

OP never had a boyfriend

July 11, 2019

She said she was "casually dating" before this, which is a term generally reserved for non exclusive sex, but if that wasn't the case then I withdraw my disapproval.

July 11, 2019

She said she was "casually dating" before this, which is a term generally reserved for non exclusive sex, but if that wasn't the case then I withdraw my disapproval.

You misunderstood me. I just went on dates with these guys and at most, kissed them. I ended up ending things with the other guys before I ever had to disclose.

July 11, 2019

My heart goes to you. Have you well informed yourself about genital hsv1 ? hsv1 favorite place is above the neck when it's transmitted below the waist it doesn't really like its new home so it 'most of the time' goes dormant and you'll only experience 1 outbreak in your life.

Are you taking Valtrex daily?

About dating now. I carry hsv2, it was rarely a problem for me while dating. I never made it a big deal out of it, the way you present it to your date is important. I told my dates on our 3rd date, because I don't care about them yet. I'd tell them I got the virus, I don't have outbreaks but I still take my antiviral daily to protect my partner. I ask if they have questions and tell them to not trust google, I'd prefer they ask their doctor if they want to educate themselves on the subject.

As for the dating sites for positives I hated it and remained on it 1 week. Most men there were looking for sex and were ready to fly me from anywhere to get it.

Confidence is your best ally. When a man meets you he has to be blown away by your confidence that this virus won't even weigh in the balance. That's how I dated. I lost weight, I ran 5km a day, I got a sexy wardrobe, a sassy haircut, when men met me they were so blown away they didn't care about my virus. Heck! I had tons of sex offer EVEN with this.

What kind of guys did you date? Were they handsome/well-educated? I feel like I can’t have standards anymore even though I’m educated and have a lot of stuff (besides this virus) going for me!

Edited July 11, 2019 by Tallgirl91

July 11, 2019

What kind of guys did you date? Were they handsome/well-educated? I feel like I can’t have standards anymore even though I’m educated and have a lot of stuff (besides this virus) going for me!

I've dated only handsome men, who wants to date men they don't find attractive? I dated professionals, non-professionals, younger men, gym goers, nerds, name it. I met my current boyfriend 4 years ago, when I told him he said: 'can it kill you or me?' I said no and he replied he didn't care then.

The difference between you and I experience with this may be our age. I was single and dating with this from 45 to 50. At my age we don't panic as fast as we do in our 20s. Most men I dated already knew someone with this or had already dated someone with it.

July 11, 2019

This is especially silly and sad because if he already gets cold sores, he can't get HSV1 on his genitals. (I mean, it's technically possible, but it's like a 1 in 1000000000-type thing. Herpes doesn't work like that.)

I'm very sorry, OP. You did the right thing by disclosing and even if his decision isn't super logical, it's his to make. There will be other men, I promise. And ignore anyone else's judgment. It only takes one sexual encounter to get an STD; that doesn't reflect on your character or promiscuity at all. Besides, I can tell you're already being very hard on yourself over this. You don't need anyone else making it worse.

Edited July 11, 2019 by lana-banana

July 11, 2019

Tallgirl: When I got the news from my doctor I cried an entire weekend in my bed, I felt my love life was over forever! Turns out I met the man of my dreams after I got that virus. The first thing I did after the news was join a support group online. It helped to share with others at first then I realized this group only had recently registered members, you know why? because people move on after a while and life goes on, even for us.

When I got the news my best friend, in a gesture of support, asked for a full std check up to her doctor. Her results came back positive hsv-1, hsv-2! She had no clue she was a carrier. Her life went on, she met someone and it worked for them. I know a young woman from work who got it from being raped at age of 13. Today she is married and a mom. Life does go on...

July 11, 2019

So you were sleeping with guys knowing you had herpes but not disclosing that because you couldn't see a long term future with them?

^ Not what she said, and I seriously doubt that's what she meant.

@tallgirl91

My understanding is that types I and II do not protect against each other, but you will not contract *the same* virus a second time in a different location.

As I'm sure you're aware, type I is usually oral and II is usually genital, but either can be located in the other place. If you have type I genitally and he has it orally, you will both have antibodies that protect against contracting it a second time.

It may just be a matter of confirming the type and a some basic education on his part to neutralize any fears. Ironically though, if he has type I orally and is kissing people who don't have it, he could be [probably is] spreading it.

For another perspective, I know a woman who has type II (genital) and she has no problem at all finding men to date who aren't worried in the least. She takes suppressants and hasn't had an outbreak in a long time, but she tells me that most men don't seem to care. She always discloses early, before meeting, and want to continue. She and I met on a dating site and I opted not to continue after she told me, and she said that's unusual. Her dating problems are much the same as everyone else... finding one she likes who like her back.

So I don't think you should be so dejected. The stigma is worse than the virus, and since you have type I, about half of the population have it as well and wouldn't be as risk.

July 11, 2019

My understanding is that types I and II do not protect against each other,

Actually as per medical studies if you have type II first you will be immune to type I. If you have type 1 you are not immune to type II BUT you are partially protected at 40%.

If you have type I genitally and he has it orally, you will both have antibodies that protect against contracting it a second time.

I have read all the medical studies of course on the subject and here how it works. If you have type 1 on your mouth and touch your blister and then touch your genitals - yes you can auto-transfer your type 1 to a different location.

I know a woman, close to me, that contracted hsv1 genital, she ended up at the emergency room in the middle of the night. The doctor diagnosed her, it was her first outbreak. They gave her a big dosage of Valtrex and told her to forget about it. On healthy people hsv1 genital goes dormant and she'll probably never have another outbreak in her life. She asked for daily valtrex because she knew of my case and doctor told her it was unnecessary.

My other friend with hsv1 and hsv2 asked her new boyfriend to have a talk with his doctor. He did, his doctor told him he had more chances of being hit by a car this year than to get her virus (with valtrex)

My own doctor told me he gives positive hsv results every darn week! and 40% of those are genital hsv1, it's the new thing, and it's much less contagious than hsv2 if contagious at all. OP, have a heart to heart with your doctor.

.

July 11, 2019

My take on this is that folks who are actually interested in settling down will generally be more understanding and accepting of such matters.

How severe/frequent your outbreaks are will be a factor, too, of course - because if someone gets it from you, theirs will likely be similar. Type I is typically not as bad as type II - no matter where it's located. So there's that.

A whole lot of the fear surrounding herpes is less about actually having to deal with the outbreaks, and more about stigma and wanting to keep their pool of potential sexual partners as broad as possible. I've known an awful lot of people with herpes (oral, genital, nasal - type I and II), because frankly an awful lot of people have herpes, and most of them agree that the outbreaks themselves are not that big of a deal - compared to the fear of being undateable.

I have type I as well. My fiancé told me that he had it very early on, and the risk was acceptable to me - and I got it. It's worth noting that I ALSO recall having occasional oral cold sores as a child, so it's not necessarily true that already having it in your system/in one location will prevent future infection in a different location (though this seems to be generally the case).

I get one sore that pops up every few months at most (and I DON'T take suppressants because we've both got it anyway, and it's just not bad enough to warrant taking drugs), in the same spot on one of my labia. It's less of a pain than an ingrown hair or a random pubic pimple; less frequent, and goes away on its own in a few days without any DIY bathroom surgery. There are lots of people who understand that this is a much more typical reality of having herpes than the huge angry swaths of blisters they may have seen pictures of in sex-ed class.

Someone will still want you. I promise. You might not have as MANY options, but there are still plenty.

Edited July 11, 2019 by Kitty Tantrum

July 11, 2019

Around 50% of American adults have herpes so if you think about it, if you were the kind of person who wouldn't have dated someone who had it before you had it, your dating pool would actually increase by contracting it *shrug*

July 12, 2019

So you were sleeping with guys knowing you had herpes but not disclosing that because you couldn't see a long term future with them?

Herpes is a big deal, despite how some people like to try and minimize it. Love is possible but you might have to take some knocks along the way. That's how life goes, actions sometimes have consequences. Get through it the best you can and keep working toward what you want. Or give up and never get what you want. Up to you.

Please, for the love of God though, in the future always disclose you have that before you sleep with anyone, short or long term.

I agree with this 100% Maybe you would do well to put it on your online dating profile and then those that don't care or also have it will be the ones to contact you. (???)

You wouldn't be the first person to disclose that way so do a search on your specific online dating sites with the words "herpes" and see who comes up.

July 12, 2019

I agree with this 100% Maybe you would do well to put it on your online dating profile and then those that don't care or also have it will be the ones to contact you. (???)

You wouldn't be the first person to disclose that way so do a search on your specific online dating sites with the words "herpes" and see who comes up.

No, we can't do that. It's a private matter to be disclosed 1 on 1. We don't want our neighbors, a colleague, or a family member to stumble across our profile and see this. It's also important that the person interested in us to see who we are in person before rejecting us. It's too easy to just pass to next on a picture. The person should see you for who you are, see your personality, hear what you have to offer then make the decision of staying or leaving.

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I disclosed my GHSV1 for the first time and got rejected. Is my love life over?

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