Versacehottie Posted July 13, 2019 Posted July 13, 2019 Ok, let's be real, if they are homebodies, what do you think the chances are that some girl is going to walk into their place and find you enjoying your evening on the couch with them? Stats, man. You need to increase your chances by putting yourself in locations and situations that will give you the most likely chance of the outcome you want. Hanging out with them is good for a) because you enjoy it and they sound like good people b) increasing your social skills and having the rest of your life going on some when you are dating. But otherwise you need to expand and add to your circle. Awww, I feel really bad about how you are sounding this morning. It does make sense that being in a situation, like hanging out with a couple, who seem to have what you want (and think is almost impossible for you to achieve) churns up these feelings. What you need to do is realize if they found each other, you can find someone for you. You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself this morning and expectations. You need to learn to walk before you can run so to speak. Break it down into smaller steps, be consistent in making an effort and don't be hard on yourself so much that it stunts your ability to continue in your quest. Again, you are doing the first step right and very well: your recognizing what you want and as uncomfortable as it may feel in this moment (change is uncomfortable), the fact that you are having these feelings is good if you utilize them to propel you to action. I was thinking about you yesterday and two things: a) I saw two guys that seemed similar to how you describe yourself walking down the street. They did seem like for sure they would have a better chance of meeting girls than a couple with a third wheel. So basically you need to make some single guy friends; it will increase the possibilities that you will be talking to girls (and you can effectively help each other even if it's not what you say you are going to be doing to each other). b) the next step you should work on is to take LITTLE social risks EVERY day. It will make eventually talking to a girl you think is attractive much less of an issue or a "thing". Posting here is one step, now you should probably do it in real life, out from behind a keyboard. I left my place for 5 minutes this am to just get a drink and spoke to two strangers just because. You are not trying to get anything from these people other than to "feel" yourself in this world and experience life. If you are in the same place, there's is usually some semblance of a similar experience going on and something you can pick on. If even this is too big a step, take a few days to OBSERVE and see what opportunities exist. Taking going to a coffee shop as an example, you can say a little comment to the guy outside who is with his dog; you can say a little something to the same cashier that you see often, besides your order. It is easy for me but i'm trying to break it down to the very smallest basics so you will risk a little. You need to do this in situations where is DOESN'T matter so you are ready for the ones that DO matter. Everything that people accomplish comes step by step. Sometimes your greatest power will be how you bounce back from feeling bad or get up after a perceived failure. In your current case, I would count every TRY as a win. That is the current goal: to get you to try. It's more about what is going on internal with you rather than other people and their reactions which you cannot control. Ok hang in there. ;-)
Author Inflikted Posted July 13, 2019 Author Posted July 13, 2019 This is something you yourself just have to work yourself through. I hope you are okay with masturbating. (Please don't feel you have to say yes or no to that). That's kind of a first step. If you are then you're a step ahead of where I was in my late teens. I had to get around some slightly older (like 25) ladies who were outspoken enough to tell me everyone should do it, basically to counterbalance messages from my upbringing and community. I don't really have a problem with it. Granted, I don't really have a strong opinion on it one way or the other. To me, it's just kind of an empty "nothing" act. Ok, let's be real, if they are homebodies, what do you think the chances are that some girl is going to walk into their place and find you enjoying your evening on the couch with them? Stats, man. You need to increase your chances by putting yourself in locations and situations that will give you the most likely chance of the outcome you want. Hanging out with them is good for a) because you enjoy it and they sound like good people b) increasing your social skills and having the rest of your life going on some when you are dating. But otherwise you need to expand and add to your circle. True, true. But, I do hope I can eventually do things with them that might be more conducive to meeting people. One thing I've noticed about myself is that I'm more prone to loosening up, getting comfortable, and "being myself" around newer people when I have one or two people I'm already comfortable around there with me. Otherwise, when I'm just by myself around people I don't know, I'm just not a very social person. Awww, I feel really bad about how you are sounding this morning. It does make sense that being in a situation, like hanging out with a couple, who seem to have what you want (and think is almost impossible for you to achieve) churns up these feelings. What you need to do is realize if they found each other, you can find someone for you. Yeah, it just seems like such a "right place, right time" kind of thing. And in my experience, that sort of luck has never really been on my side, heh... As for them, they've been together for a few years, now, and they met in their early 20s; to me, it seems like that's the "prime" time to meet someone, because that's when people are generally more "out there", mingling, and trying to have some fun in their lives. And heck, I had more opportunities to meet people when I was that age, too, because I was still going to college and I was working a job that involved interacting with the general public, but I just didn't connect with anyone. And now, I'm at a point where I'm just not meeting people, because my life has changed. I'm not in school anymore, I don't work a job that has me meeting and interacting with people. I don't have the interest or energy to go out to bars or wherever to try to meet people. I feel like there's a sort of "scale" of people, where you have the 20-somethings that are out looking to mingle and have fun, the 30-somethings who are generally in relationships and are preparing to settle down, get married, and/ or start a family, then the 40+ers that either "live happily ever after" or are kinda "sad" because they either never found "the one", or they're divorced and haven't been able to get back on track. I'm out of that 20s phase, but I didn't gain from it what I should have. So now I'm in this weird 30s phase where I'm single, can't really meet anyone, and have no real prospects, and am probably on track to be one of those "sad" 40+ers that just never found "the one". As for how I've been feeling, it wouldn't even be so bad if it wasn't such a sudden "tidal wave" that just blasted through the floodgates, so to speak. If it were just this nagging thing that I could shush, it'd be whatever, but it just really kind of exploded out of nowhere, and I can't seem to stop myself from getting caught up in this tidal wave. a) I saw two guys that seemed similar to how you describe yourself walking down the street. They did seem like for sure they would have a better chance of meeting girls than a couple with a third wheel. So basically you need to make some single guy friends; it will increase the possibilities that you will be talking to girls (and you can effectively help each other even if it's not what you say you are going to be doing to each other). Yanno, I didn't think to mention this in this thread yet, but oddly enough, I'd actually say I find it easier to connect with women than other men. Not really sure why. But more often than not, I find I warm up to women much quicker and much easier than other guys. Of course, though, it's always in a platonic way. But I've never really felt like I'm someone who specifically struggles at "interacting with women". True, I'm usually very reserved and closed off around new people, but once I loosen up, I don't feel like the idea of interacting with women is "intimidating" to me, or anything. Not that I'm against having guy friends, I just tend to find it more difficult to relate to other guys, for whatever reason. Heck, with my couple friends, I was friends with her long before I even met her boyfriend, and once it started becoming a regular thing to get together with them, I wanted to make sure I could go from being "her" friend to becoming "their" friend. And I think I've done okay at it so far. Sometimes I feel like I try a little too hard to make him like me, heh, but generally, I think he's pretty cool with me as it is, so I'm trying to strike a good balance. b) the next step you should work on is to take LITTLE social risks EVERY day. It will make eventually talking to a girl you think is attractive much less of an issue or a "thing". Posting here is one step, now you should probably do it in real life, out from behind a keyboard. I left my place for 5 minutes this am to just get a drink and spoke to two strangers just because. You are not trying to get anything from these people other than to "feel" yourself in this world and experience life. If you are in the same place, there's is usually some semblance of a similar experience going on and something you can pick on. If even this is too big a step, take a few days to OBSERVE and see what opportunities exist. Yeah, I suppose. I kind of have two specific hurdles working against me with this that I have to figure out how to get over. For one, I'm just not really THAT "active" to begin with. Weekdays, I work my 9-5, come home, make myself dinner, go to bed, and do it again the next day. Weekends, I go grocery shopping, and... that's kinda it. So, that really only leaves one very small window (grocery shopping) for anything. My other major "flaw" is that I'm generally a pretty oblivious person. I don't necessarily go out of my way to avoid people or interactions or anything like that, but I don't notice things purely because I... just don't notice. Combine that with my generally reserved nature, and that creates a situation that's not really in the mentality for picking up on opportunities.
preraph Posted July 13, 2019 Posted July 13, 2019 Well, I'm glad at least you have no problem with that. I hope there has not been some molestation or abuse in your background that is setting you up for having a hard time knowing what you want.
Author Inflikted Posted July 13, 2019 Author Posted July 13, 2019 Well, I'm glad at least you have no problem with that. I hope there has not been some molestation or abuse in your background that is setting you up for having a hard time knowing what you want. Nah, nothing like that. I mean, I did go to private (Catholic) school growing up, but I was never particularly religious and I always just kinda blew off all the preaching, lol. So yeah, I dunno where that comes from.
chillii Posted July 14, 2019 Posted July 14, 2019 Man, I gotta say, I feel like I'm drowning in this wave of... whatever this is. I used to want so badly to have someone special in my life when I was younger, and when it seemed like it was just too impossible, I bummed super hard for a long time, but eventually just locked it up and buried it deep down, and tried to move on with my life. But the more time I spend with my couple friends, it's been making me remember all that stuff, and it's made all of it come bursting back up to the surface. Like I said, it feels like I'm just drowning in all of this. I've been trying hard to distract myself and do other things, but it's all just so... intense, I can't seem to keep myself afloat. I kinda hate it, lol. I feel like I don't know what to do with myself. I keep trying to get away from it, and "turn it off", but it just follows me wherever I go. Yeah right , see this is why back when l just had to stop hanging round with that couple friends of mine, it was just bringing me down too much so for my own good l let it go, for me at the time it was just best all round. Not to say in your case, up to you, but just sayin.
Author Inflikted Posted July 14, 2019 Author Posted July 14, 2019 Yeah right , see this is why back when l just had to stop hanging round with that couple friends of mine, it was just bringing me down too much so for my own good l let it go, for me at the time it was just best all round. Not to say in your case, up to you, but just sayin. Heh, yeah, no, I don't think I could justify cutting them out of my life. I value having two great friends more so than the sanity I'm losing from this longing for a "love life", heh... I do hate how much this is driving me crazy, though, and how I can't seem to get my mind off of the subject. It's pretty much all I can think about. @_@ I can't get away from it, and it's frustrating the hell out of me. It feels like my head is going to explode any day now. I'm not sure why I bothered, but for the last couple of weeks, I decided to play around on Tinder again, because I'm just so dang desperate at this point for anything. But Tinder, and online dating, just end up making me feel worse, because it's always the same thing. I try to put together the nicest profile I can, with some solid pics and stuff, and... no one is interested. It's the worst on Tinder, because I even purposely try to "play the numbers" game and like basically every girl it shows me, and I literally get zero matches. Literally zero. Again, not sure why I even bother with it, heh... I just figured if I can't get out and meet people in the "real world", online dating makes sense on paper. But, I guess it's not really any better, in reality. Although, honestly, I'd prefer not to meet someone via online/ apps, but what am I gonna do...? Something else that really bugs me is that I'm most jealous of the "x amount of years in" relationship that I see my friends having. I'm not so sure the early parts of dating/ relationships sound that appealing to me, to be honest... I wish I could just fast forward to the point of being comfy and cozy and being able to lounge around at home, making goofy little jokes and conversations with each other. But, I know that's not how it works. It just sucks to know that it would take years to get where I want to be with someone ON TOP of the several years it would take me to even find someone, if at all. Sigh. I dunno. I feel like I wish I could go into a sound proof room and just yell at the top of the my lungs and push out all these thoughts and feelings out of my head, right about now. @_@
preraph Posted July 14, 2019 Posted July 14, 2019 Nah, nothing like that. I mean, I did go to private (Catholic) school growing up, but I was never particularly religious and I always just kinda blew off all the preaching, lol. So yeah, I dunno where that comes from. Catholic school will give you shame about sex, from what I've heard.
Author Inflikted Posted July 14, 2019 Author Posted July 14, 2019 Catholic school will give you shame about sex, from what I've heard. Heh, yeah, I guess, though like I said, I always tuned all of that stuff out, I never really took any of that stuff seriously at all.
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