Why can't I see "her"?

[Inflikted]

This the definition of asexual:

 

Some asexuals feel romantic attraction to other people, and have romantic relationships that don't include sex. Some people who identify as asexual might feel sexual desire once they've developed an emotional bond with a specific person. Some people describe themselves falling somewhere between sexual and asexual.

 

So as you can see, it's kind of flexible and can be applied as you see fit. Kind of like "gender fluid". Does it apply to you?

 

I'm not sure, really. I mean, if being asexual equates to a lack of desire for sexual relations, I don't think that's applicable to me. I have "desires" and such, but they're not directed at anyone specific. They just all kind of bubble up inside me.

 

Listen I'm not knocking with what you have done so far and the accomplishments you've made and what your natural tendency is with the way you enjoy living your life--just saying that some of the "good" feelings you have now trigger what big step you would take on next--even if it come up in an uneasy or conflicted way first. That's probably because you are thinking of the big picture endpoint like a girlfriend or a wife, whereas what got you to where you are now was a series of smaller steps where you pushed yourself. It just has to get to a stage where wanting what you want becomes bigger than the fear that holds you back. Like it went with these new friends.

 

I don't think it's a coincidence at all that since you are feeling better about your social life in general that this is on your mind currently. I do agree with preraph that you don't need to pressure yourself necessarily. I think growth is a series of moving forward when you are feeling good and can stretch yourself and then backing off a little when it's too much, within reason. You don't want to do it so much that you hide yourself away which is probably what happened and that became the safe protective place and status quo.

 

I definitely don't want you to feel that you have self-esteem issues that are bigger than other people's. You just might have come up with a way of coping that is more isolating or keeps you from what you really want. I'm trying to encourage you Good luck and keep letting us know how it is going.

 

btw in an ideal world, what would you do for fun & other interests? Start there next IMO.

 

Yeah. I guess it's frustrating because I get tired of having to "bide my time". I feel like I've been "biding my time" for so long, already, and it's annoying to still feel so "behind". When I was younger, I used to hope I'd be far ahead by now, but I feel like I haven't even gotten half way where I hoped to be, and it's hard not to notice and be envious of people around me, people younger than me, that have everything I used to want so badly, and I'm still stumbling around at the "starting area".

 

I mean, I've finally got some nice things going for me, and life's not so bad, now. I just really expected better for myself, and to be honest, deep down, I'm very disappointed in me.

[Versacehottie]

Well first of all, don't feel bad. You are putting too much pressure on yourself for something you can't change: the past. I know you have regret and wish better for yourself. The best way to do that is honor the present and do exactly what you want to do in the now and take the steps to make your life what you want rather than to get stuck.

 

Now if we are really real with each other, have you been biding your time? In the case of dating, relationships and wanting a social life, it is not just the waiting and being patient part--it's the doing something to make it occur that you need to do as a component of getting what you want. Not just the waiting and being patient and hoping the right girl comes along when you haven't really put yourself out there. Don't take this in a critical way, just recognize it and start to marinate on what you could do to take A step in the right direction. I think if you are at a stage where you feel regret or that it's not how you see your life playing out, you need to be more active than is comfortable for you. We already know you are good at the patient part and you will need that as well. Try not to look so far into the future or where you think you ought to be because it's hurting your progress for what you want. Try to get real down and practical & pragmatic about what need to happen on the micro level.

 

To be honest, I'm impressed and you are already doing well for yourself by taking the step to question it here and have the introspection I've seen just here. I think you must be a fast learner Ok see if you can come up with a plan. Try to keep it shorter term, and less lofty, just the next week, two or month of how you will build on your social and dating success. I keep referring back to social because i'm positive it will help with your dating and coming more out of your shell as well as find you the girlfriend you want. You sound like a good guy. I think other people will pick up on that too. Ok keep posting it will help, i think.

[Inflikted]

Well, as per biding my time, my mindset was to focus on "working on me", trying to get my life together, and create some reason for someone to want to be with me. I don't feel like I've effectively accomplished that, and I don't know how to, at this point. Any time I "make progress", I feel like I'm taking one step forward and two steps back. To me, it feels pointless to go "looking" when I still don't feel like I'm presentable to be worth someone's time in that way.

 

It's tough trying to figure out how to "get out there" naturally, only because I'm pretty okay with where my social life and activities are. There's nothing I really want to go out and try or explore (at least not for the sake of doing it; I'd do whatever with my friends, but there's really nothing I, personally, care about to go out and explore on my own), so even if I could become "presentable", I don't know how I'd get myself out there, or how I'd "meet" anyone.

Edited July 11, 2019 by Inflikted

[Versacehottie]

Well it's good--sounds like you have been working on yourself. You've just reached the next step of that process. Working on yourself isn't a retreat and hide and think it through thing exclusively or IMO not even 50/50, especially if that's your natural tendency. You have to get out there and put your new, better belief system and worked-on-self into practice, get real life experience and evidence, correct and refine. And sometimes retreat or pull back a little and work and assess yourself some more. Practice, practice.

 

Well I have to say that while I think you seem to be a great, thoughtful and smart guy, part of what would make you more presentable is to have something you care about doing. Otherwise you are in danger of looking like a follower (i.e. taking the lead of your friends solely), which is not attractive or basing your worth and potentially smothering or being possessive of whatever partner you could attract. Girls like guys with something going on and something they are into--something they are driven toward and to become. It's attractive. I think it's a leap to imagine that you need to all of a sudden become world class interested and good at something. But surely there must be something you like or are interested as a hobby or pursuit, right? I think you should work on figuring that out, even if trying various things IS the pursuit!! You can do that simultaneous with putting yourself out there with girls.

 

Having something you are pursuing career or in a hobby gives direction to your life and makes you more you. Life tends to fall into place when you have direction and go aimlessly when you don't (maybe like you are experiencing now). I don't think you need to be obsessed. Some people are full-on about what they are into and some people dabble in a variety of things, even just the one passion and then pull back for their friends, family, down time. Just to start, what do you do right now with your free time?

Edited July 11, 2019 by Versacehottie

[Versacehottie]

I forgot to say another reason you need to work on expanding what you are into is that after working so hard on coming out of your shell and yourself and your self esteem, you don't want to build it up to the point that it's all outward dependent. While I'm stressing that you need to get out there, it's to experience yourself in that environment not to become dependent on others for your self-validation. It might be a little fragile while you work on building a few more friends and dating. But in the end once you experience yourself in a variety of situations and with a variety of people and grow more whole within yourself, you will appreciate the hard work you've done and more securely have the inner self-dependence that you will be fine and can approach any situation.

 

I know I not making much sense but I hope you get it a little bit. Can't explain this one clearly this am.

[Inflikted]

Well, my hobbies and interests aren't ones that are particularly social. I like editing videos and dabbling in graphic design stuff to make elements for said videos. I run my own YouTube channel (though it's never been "successful" and I never actually get any views or anything), and I spend a lot of time working on stuff for that. Other than that, I'm into "nerdier" stuff that I don't expect women to be interested in; for example, my other big hobby is gaming.

 

As far as career, I have a vague idea of hoping to get into graphic design stuff at some point, though I've not been able to figure out a pathway to that, and it could take a lot of time before I get there.

[Versacehottie]

That's so funny I was going to say gaming! I guess I have a sixth sense about these things

 

Ok this is all good. Albeit they are a little solitary but you sound passionate and have goals with regards to them and that's the important part to make you attractive in this dimension. So now with those hobbies try to find ways to take them out of a solitary pursuit behind a screen all the time. There are ways that you can meet and interact with others about your hobbies that more public, even if it's still on the internet to begin with. (try instagram and shorter clips to connect with like-minded people or to interact a bit more).

 

Then try to do interactive things in public regarding your hobby, not always to DIRECTLY meet a girl because let's be honest it might not happen directly with that hobby as the connector but to interact more with people and make some more friends. Then over time INDIRECTLY through these new friends you may meet women to date. In any case, you will be able to practice your social skills and stretch what you think is possible.

 

BTW, every time a guy on here says something similar to you, i.e. he's a gamer therefore he doesn't meet women or has no chance, some of the girls on the forum jump in to say they are gamers or even a few met their boyfriends that way.

 

The important thing is from one message where you said you aren't interested in much at all and seemed like a follower or slightly apathetic or boring with regards to your own life when I pushed you, you came up what you just said above, which is perfect and perfectly fine. This is more how you need to be to attract a girl and expand your social circle. And express who you are and that you are about something and have goals. So i just think being aware that your first instinct is to hold back which pushes people away or doesn't really draw them to you whereas what you did in the last message does draw people toward you.

 

You need to brainstorm and start churning ideas in your head of how you can meet people. One good way is to go through a week in your daily life and observe where if you were feeling brave all the opportunities you could act on within a normal week to make new connections. If there are no opportunities then your very next thing to do should be to figure out how you could reconfigure your life just a little bit to allow more opportunities in. I don't know much about gaming but even with graphic design which is on the surface solitary i can think of a way off the top of my head that involves not much risk but is fun and connects people. Popular influencers on IG will often get sent or approached by a person wanting to personalize graphics for them for their STORY HIGHLIGHTS section or other special collaborations, etc. Often they end up using a follower who volunteered their services or sent them a cool graphic or drawing about their brand, etc.

 

Some really cool people do graphic design and as that grows for you, I don't see it as a problem for girls at all. Keep thinking, trying & practicing.

[chillii]

I guess. I mean, I don't look at it from an overly negative point of view, I don't necessarily feel "down" on myself, or anything like that. But from a logical point of view, I can't really think of a reason why anyone would want to be with me in that way. Would that necessarily stunt my ability to be attracted or interested in other people?

 

As far as emotionally opening up, yeah, I've been pretty closed off for most of my life, but I feel like I've made pretty good strides over the last 9 months or so since befriending a couple. I feel like they've really helped me come out of my shell and feel comfortable around people. And that's great! I love having them in my life. They make me feel valued and cared for, and I love that.

 

But, dating is a whole different ballpark. Dating involves so many more "moving parts", so to speak...

 

I feel I can be valued and appreciated... as a friend. But you have to have so much more to offer a potential romantic partner. And I'm not really sure what I could hope to offer someone in that way that they couldn't get from someone with much more to offer.

 

Either way, it still doesn't feel right to not be attracted to anyone. I can't help but feel jealous of people who can look at someone with affection and love, or heck, even just lust.

\

 

 

 

 

l think your doing both , subconsciously blocking yourself , but at the same time trying to force yourself to be attracted to someone, anyone. because you can't figure out why your not, so you keep trying to be.

None of that will make sense because so many people in forums force things and just end up chasing their tail.

So your not attracted to anyone, so what, then you should be free. Free to go and just enjoy life, until someone does pop up that stops you in your tracks , that's how it works if you just let it.

l'm attracted to very few women myself, so what. l've known her when l see her though, l need the whole package , inside and out.

Edited July 11, 2019 by chillii

[Inflikted]

There are ways that you can meet and interact with others about your hobbies that more public, even if it's still on the internet to begin with. (try instagram and shorter clips to connect with like-minded people or to interact a bit more).

 

Yeah, I've been using social media to post small snippets of stuff to try to help out. Most of the time, it doesn't seem to generate anything. A lot of interactions I get are either bot accounts trying to sell you on some "Follow me and you'll get thousands of new subs!" nonsense, or people just wanting to do "sub for sub" kind of stuff. I've made a few "online buddies" through content creation over the years, but all of them end up quitting for one reason or another, and just kinda fell off the face of the earth.

 

Then try to do interactive things in public regarding your hobby, not always to DIRECTLY meet a girl because let's be honest it might not happen directly with that hobby as the connector but to interact more with people and make some more friends. Then over time INDIRECTLY through these new friends you may meet women to date. In any case, you will be able to practice your social skills and stretch what you think is possible.

 

Sure, it's often just tough to figure out how to translate these hobbies and interests into something that can get me out places interacting with people.

 

BTW, every time a guy on here says something similar to you, i.e. he's a gamer therefore he doesn't meet women or has no chance, some of the girls on the forum jump in to say they are gamers or even a few met their boyfriends that way.

 

Haha, I guess. I mean, I'm not saying girls are never into gaming, but in my experience, most of the girls I've met and known are more apathetic towards gaming than anything else. So, I just mean, I recognize it's not something that is particularly interesting or noteworthy to a lot of women, and thus, isn't likely to be something worth talking about.

 

The important thing is from one message where you said you aren't interested in much at all and seemed like a follower or slightly apathetic or boring with regards to your own life when I pushed you, you came up what you just said above, which is perfect and perfectly fine. This is more how you need to be to attract a girl and expand your social circle. And express who you are and that you are about something and have goals. So i just think being aware that your first instinct is to hold back which pushes people away or doesn't really draw them to you whereas what you did in the last message does draw people toward you.

 

Yeah, I mean, like I said, I don't necessarily look at myself in a negative view, I just feel like I'm not all that interesting or "sellable" to a girl. I'm okay with who I am, I just recognize that there's not much here for someone else to work with, heh. In a way, when it comes to dating, you really have to be able to "sell" yourself to someone. Personally, I've never considered myself a very good "salesman". Heck, I don't even know how to be "flirty" or anything like that.

[preraph]

Inflicted, this is off subject, but you mentioned you like to edit videos, so in case you don't know, I want to tell you that there is a demand for that in the litigation support field. Videographers who just video the proceedings and then have to do some light editing work to finish it out. I know it's not the type video editing that you enjoy, but it's a skill you have that you can use if you ever decide to take on a different type work. In the US, you would just google "litigation support" and they're the type of firms who provide court reporters and also do legal records retrieval and employ OR use independent videographers. I assume the pay is decent. You have to keep up a neat appearance for it as you're around attorneys.

[Inflikted]

Inflicted, this is off subject, but you mentioned you like to edit videos, so in case you don't know, I want to tell you that there is a demand for that in the litigation support field. Videographers who just video the proceedings and then have to do some light editing work to finish it out. I know it's not the type video editing that you enjoy, but it's a skill you have that you can use if you ever decide to take on a different type work. In the US, you would just google "litigation support" and they're the type of firms who provide court reporters and also do legal records retrieval and employ OR use independent videographers. I assume the pay is decent. You have to keep up a neat appearance for it as you're around attorneys.

 

I'll have to look into that. Never seen any postings like that on the usual job listing sites.

[Inflikted]

I don't know whether this would be a good thing or a bad thing, but something else I've been thinking about it, I kinda love my friends. Platonically, I mean. Perhaps that speaks to the negative idea of getting too invested in one particular set of friends, but I kinda like having "best" friends in that way.

 

Thing is, I can't even really imagine having someone I like even more than them. And if you date, you kind of have to like your partner "the most", yeah? I mean, ideally, they should be your true "best friend", at least I would hope. What if I couldn't feel that way about someone else?

[preraph]

How you feel about a romantic interest usually is not the same as what you feel about your friends. There is such a thing as being too pal-y with a woman. It can get to be too much like a brother and turn off the sex. Ideally, you want to be friends to a point but you want that sexual chemistry.

 

Don't worry. Everyone can be different. Just make friends when you have the chance and enjoy yourself. You'll probably change some as you get used to having friends.

[Inflikted]

How you feel about a romantic interest usually is not the same as what you feel about your friends. There is such a thing as being too pal-y with a woman. It can get to be too much like a brother and turn off the sex. Ideally, you want to be friends to a point but you want that sexual chemistry.

 

Don't worry. Everyone can be different. Just make friends when you have the chance and enjoy yourself. You'll probably change some as you get used to having friends.

 

This post got me thinking, and perhaps this can explain some things; I feel like "sexual chemistry" is forever going to be my downfall. The thing is, I think I've sexually repressed myself for as long as I can remember. I don't recall anyone or anything ever influencing me along the way, but I've always had this "voice" in my subconscious that tells me that my sexual desires and thoughts are inappropriate, disrespectful, "wrong".

 

And I guess, then, it feels "wrong" to project those thoughts onto other people. To me, asking someone out or even just trying to be "flirty" feels like it would be me saying "Hi, I'd like to eventually have sex with you!", and that feels wrong.

 

I don't know that I'm concerned with "protecting myself from rejection" so much so as I am worried about offending anyone or being inappropriate or making them uncomfortable in any way. I mean, obviously I'm not the type of person that would be like "Nice to meet you, I like your boobs!" or something... I may be naive and very inept, but I like to think I'm not that level of immature or stupid. But beyond the super obvious "no-no's", there's a lot of grey area that can still cause a lot of discomfort, and I don't want to ever do that to someone.

 

Heck, when I asked someone out years ago and got rejected, I felt more bad about the fact that she seemingly became uncomfortable around me, more than anything else. I didn't like that feeling of making someone else feel that way.

 

But I guess there is an underlying "sexual" aspect to dating that I can't really deny, so I suppose it's not "healthy" for me to feel this way? I don't necessarily WANT to feel this way. I just... I don't know how to "unrepress" myself, and how to feel more comfortable with the idea of "sexual chemistry".

[Versacehottie]

Yeah, I mean, like I said, I don't necessarily look at myself in a negative view, I just feel like I'm not all that interesting or "sellable" to a girl. I'm okay with who I am, I just recognize that there's not much here for someone else to work with, heh. In a way, when it comes to dating, you really have to be able to "sell" yourself to someone. Personally, I've never considered myself a very good "salesman". Heck, I don't even know how to be "flirty" or anything like that.

 

Bolded above...but this is negative about yourself compared to what a healthy feeling about what you have to offer and what others would think of you.

 

I don't think you need to get stuck on the selling part. Sure that is part of it but as you've described yourself I think a soft sell, longer burn & longer lead up will probably be the way things happen for you anyway and go better with your vibe and experience.

 

So in your last post you wrote about not really feeling comfortable feeling flirty or sexual about a girl--ok that maybe you will need to see a therapist on. I mean why f*ck around with hoping you will fix that on your own in the short term when it probably takes an expert to fast track that. To me, that sounds like you are saying that it is repressed. Ok all of us girls know when a guy is flirting with us that at some point down the road if it gets to that that a guy is having those kind of thoughts about us or at least some girl if not us. I wonder why you think it's wrong? If you think it's "wrong" then it does make sense that what you want on one hand and wanting to be "good" are at odds. I'm going to say that's probably an advanced question that can't be answered here but maybe someone else has some good insight.

 

I think it's a layered thing that is going on with you and you need to really give some attention to the repressed issue, the socializing & dating thing right now if you are already feeling regret or that you are moving too slowly in your life.

 

So good that you are doing some graphics with social media. I'd say keep trying not to necessarily make business happen that way but what a better way to connect with people about what you love to do and get some things for your portfolio. As far as hobbies, I just saw a big gaming convention type thing for listed for this weekend (LA) so i think you just need to stay on top of managing your social life and spotting opportunities. Even if you are super social, a person needs to do this & even then sometimes you feel like ohhh I wish I went to this thing instead or how did i miss that. When you have real connections with people like your friends or a girlfriend or girl you are dating, you tend to feel like wherever you are is the right place. Just need to make sure that you don't get stagnant or complacent with a situation or a very small group of friends (like just 2 that are a couple themselves).

 

So no judgment on your friends and your interaction with them but wondering if you consider that you are kinda a fifth wheel or whatever that saying is, like an extra person putting your life on hold to live theirs. It also leaves you very vulnerable--the way you speak about them I feel like you would be devastated if anything happened to that friendship and you need a few more and some self assurance that you can venture out on your own. Not to act on it to dump your friends or assume the worst but because feeling that way will get you what YOU want. Don't take a backseat in your own life. From the way you speak i think a smaller tighter group of friends is more your style anyway, not a huge or surface group of friends. Ok keep posting & good luck

[Inflikted]

Yeah, I'm not sure where the feelings about it being "inappropriate" really come from. I guess, in a way, though, even aside from dating and the sexual aspect of things, I've always tried to live my life in a way that never makes others feel uncomfortable or unpleasant. The idea of making someone feel that way is mortifying, to me, so that's always been kind of a guiding idea for me.

 

As for my friends, yeah, it's probably not wrong to say that I'm a little "too" emotionally invested in them. But, they're the first friends I've ever had, and as far as I can tell, they seem to care about me, which is nice. I do try to "behave myself", though, so as not to create discomfort or unpleasantness. I tend to wait for them to invite me to things, so that they get to stay in control of how much they spend time with me. And unless they reach out to me first, I try to only reach out and char via texting like once a week or so. So, despite my attachment, I'm trying my best to keep myself on a leash, so to speak.

[Versacehottie]

While I can appreciate that you aren't all about yourself, on the other hand, I feel like you are holding back so much that you are taking a backseat in your own life. Listen the way you are I doubt there is much chance of you becoming narcissistic but what is in danger is that you are ripe to be taken for granted, used etc. You have to be your own best advocate and ask and go after what you want. Things are in danger with this approach of every relationship you have being one-sided.

 

I think it's normal that you are allowing a couple to reach out and plan with you when it suits them--however it is one-sided and almost feels like you have no voice. How do you think that will reflect on how you think about yourself? Much like you said: "I don't feel in the position that i have much to offer others, etc". So maybe try to take the training wheels off. Are these really the only friends you've ever had? If so, you need to work on changing that number. I'm sure they are great people. You just want to be careful of handing over who controls your happiness. And by default, making it ok to feel "small". Your needs are the same weight as any other person's. That said, you need to manage and prioritize your interpersonal relationships so that you would be a natural priority for someone. Give yourself a chance to branch out. Sounds like you have enough free time to manage your friendship with them and have new friends in your life. That won't happen overnight probably so you will be able to evolve things gradually. Be your own priority #1 and your own best friend to take care of what you want in life.

 

As far as erring to the appropriate side, that will probably make you a gentlemen when you are dealing with ladies so we like that. it will be an advantage. Do you like how you look on the outside? Not to be too superficial but it will play a part so I want to make sure you are doing enough where you feel comfortable putting yourself out there. Also often effort into outside looks translates into you feel more comfortable taking social risks, and builds self-esteem, independent from what others things of you.

[Inflikted]

but what is in danger is that you are ripe to be taken for granted, used etc. You have to be your own best advocate and ask and go after what you want. Things are in danger with this approach of every relationship you have being one-sided.

 

Yeah, I could see that happening, that's always been another concern of mine.

 

I think it's normal that you are allowing a couple to reach out and plan with you when it suits them--however it is one-sided and almost feels like you have no voice. How do you think that will reflect on how you think about yourself? Much like you said: "I don't feel in the position that i have much to offer others, etc". So maybe try to take the training wheels off. Are these really the only friends you've ever had? If so, you need to work on changing that number. I'm sure they are great people. You just want to be careful of handing over who controls your happiness. And by default, making it ok to feel "small". Your needs are the same weight as any other person's. That said, you need to manage and prioritize your interpersonal relationships so that you would be a natural priority for someone. Give yourself a chance to branch out. Sounds like you have enough free time to manage your friendship with them and have new friends in your life. That won't happen overnight probably so you will be able to evolve things gradually. Be your own priority #1 and your own best friend to take care of what you want in life.

 

Yeah, I mean, in fairness, my friends have implied that I can ask them about hanging out or coming over and stuff whenever, I've always just been wary because of my aforementioned "issues", and because I don't want to push them away by being TOO "active". I'm not closed off to more friends, I'm just content with keeping a smaller social circle. It's only the three of us sometimes, a lot of other times, it's more of a group get together with some of their other friends. Their other friends are fine, in a group setting, but they're not necessarily people I'd be super interested in hanging out with outside of these group settings, if that makes sense.

 

But, I do wish I were more of a "driving force", sometimes. I've always been more of a "follower" than a "leader". That's another little thing that concerns me about potentially dating, because it seems like it's expected for the guy to "take the lead" and know where to go and what to do, and that's not really who I am. But I also don't want to passively "sit in the passenger seat" of a relationship, either. I dunno.

 

As far as erring to the appropriate side, that will probably make you a gentlemen when you are dealing with ladies so we like that. it will be an advantage. Do you like how you look on the outside? Not to be too superficial but it will play a part so I want to make sure you are doing enough where you feel comfortable putting yourself out there. Also often effort into outside looks translates into you feel more comfortable taking social risks, and builds self-esteem, independent from what others things of you.

 

I'm generally okay with my looks. I'm certainly not perfect; I technically could lose a couple pounds, but I kinda like being slightly "chubby", I kinda feel like it's "my look". The things I'm most unhappy with, about my appearance, are things I really can't change. For instance, I'm 5'1", which is pretty harshly short in comparison to most guys. I also have a weird and boyish looking face. But, I can't really change either of those things to make them more attractive, so I kind of HAVE to just be okay with that stuff.

[Inflikted]

Also, something else to add about my friends, while I don't know the full extent of their situation, but from the little tidbits I've heard them say, it sounds like, while they have other friends, they're not super active, out and about, and stuff, and I think they, themselves, like having people to invite over and do stuff with. So, while I of course always worry about "third wheeling", I think our friendship is pretty mutually beneficial.

[chillii]

Ahh no doubt they probably love having you around nothing wrong with that. That's all more a thing for you and how it's effecting you.

But hey , maybe she has some gf's you might like show up sometime too so anyway.

As far as you not knowing what you want in a woman , that one l can't even comprehend, couldn't imagine not knowing , l always knew exactly what l liked even back at 15 16. Surely there's a type that really hits the spot with you.

Edited July 13, 2019 by chillii

[Inflikted]

But hey , maybe she has some gf's you might like show up sometime too so anyway.

 

Haha, I dunno, not that I fished for this information (she's not shy about volunteering any information to me, lol), but she's indicated to me that a lot of the women she knows are more the type you go for when you're looking to "get laid". Which, I mean, I guess I wouldn't be completely opposed to that, but it's not my highest priority. In any case, I think if she knew someone she thought would be a good match for me, she'd have definitely introduced us.

 

l can't even comprehend, couldn't imagine not knowing , l always knew exactly what l liked even back at 15 16. Surely there's a type that really hits the spot with you.

 

"Type" as in, what, exactly?

 

But yeah, it feels odd to not really have an inclination that I can see. Again, though, perhaps that has at least a little to do with my repressed nature.

[chillii]

Type , well actually l hate that damn word anyway but for the want of a better one.

My woman isn't a type , she's an original like me, a one in millions so l'd never label her or pigeon hole something like this it has no place , or go into descriptions but l know what l like and when l see her, l go for very specific personality things and characteristics, traits.

 

l don't think your alone though it seems to be pretty common in forums hence all the just date date date stuff, no one seems to have any idea of what they like and want in a person.

[Inflikted]

Type , well actually l hate that damn word anyway but for the want of a better one.

My woman isn't a type , she's an original like me, a one in millions so l'd never label her or pigeon hole something like this it has no place , or go into descriptions but l know what l like and when l see her, l go for very specific personality things and characteristics, traits.

 

l don't think your alone though it seems to be pretty common in forums hence all the just date date date stuff, no one seems to have any idea of what they like and want in a person.

 

Ah. Yeah, it's frustrating. I mean, I don't even know how to "meet" people, to begin with. I can't really see any good consistent ways to do that, and everything else just seems like a "Go places and maybe you'll meet people" kind of crap shoot, which is slim to none for someone who's as introverted and unsociable as myself.

 

And then on top of that, I don't even know who I'd even want to mingle with, because I don't have any kind of sense of "attraction". Then I have to consider that most people date lots of people in their lives before they land on their "final" partner, and knowing I'm already 30 and haven't even started dating, it just... seems so out of reach and impossible. Which makes me feel super sad. :/ Perhaps it really would just be for the best for me to completely "move on" from the idea of finding someone.

[Inflikted]

Man, I gotta say, I feel like I'm drowning in this wave of... whatever this is. I used to want so badly to have someone special in my life when I was younger, and when it seemed like it was just too impossible, I bummed super hard for a long time, but eventually just locked it up and buried it deep down, and tried to move on with my life.

 

But the more time I spend with my couple friends, it's been making me remember all that stuff, and it's made all of it come bursting back up to the surface. Like I said, it feels like I'm just drowning in all of this. I've been trying hard to distract myself and do other things, but it's all just so... intense, I can't seem to keep myself afloat.

 

I kinda hate it, lol. I feel like I don't know what to do with myself. I keep trying to get away from it, and "turn it off", but it just follows me wherever I go.

[preraph]

This post got me thinking, and perhaps this can explain some things; I feel like "sexual chemistry" is forever going to be my downfall. The thing is, I think I've sexually repressed myself for as long as I can remember. I don't recall anyone or anything ever influencing me along the way, but I've always had this "voice" in my subconscious that tells me that my sexual desires and thoughts are inappropriate, disrespectful, "wrong".

 

I think I understand what you're saying. There are even whole cultures or whole religions who shame people for having sexual thoughts and it can be done directly or indirectly just by watching and listening to the people around you. When I was young, my mom was kind of a shamer. I think she thought sex was kind of dirty or whatever and body parts. It was just her isolated farm strict upbringing.

 

Certainly religions who place a huge priority on staying celibate or keeping your virginity send a negative message about sex. I think there's whole countries who try to suppress sexuality.

 

This is something you yourself just have to work yourself through. I hope you are okay with masturbating. (Please don't feel you have to say yes or no to that). That's kind of a first step. If you are then you're a step ahead of where I was in my late teens. I had to get around some slightly older (like 25) ladies who were outspoken enough to tell me everyone should do it, basically to counterbalance messages from my upbringing and community.

 

It might help to just find some books on it and read some.