Inflikted Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 I suppose it doesn't matter much, as I don't know that I ever see myself being in a position to date, but something that bothers me that I've been thinking a lot about is that I can't really "see" what a good partner for myself would be like. Most people have some sense of who they're attracted to, yeah? Personality traits, physical traits, whatever. I don't. That's weird, right? The only handful of times I "liked" someone when I was younger, it was mostly because I thought they liked me (I was wrong every time, of course), not necessarily because of anything about them. Even if I could get to a place where dating seemed viable, how do I find someone when I have no real sense of personal attraction? Again, even if I'm not "using" it, it bothers me that I have no sense of attraction, that I can't even begin to fathom what a partner for me would be like. It makes me feel very uneasy, if I'm being honest. Anyone ever deal with this, or know someone that did? What caused it to change, if it ever did?
Author Inflikted Posted July 10, 2019 Author Posted July 10, 2019 Sounds like you are Asexual........... I've wondered about that, but in a very general way, I still find the idea of being with a woman attractive, and arousing. Just not on a personal level, if that makes sense?
PRW Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 I still find the idea of being with a woman attractive, and arousing.Then you are not asexual. Stop thinking that "dating" and "relationship" are the same thing. They are not. Dating is the process or journey to get to the relationship which is the destination. If you don't feel attracted to them then don't try to date them,...problem solved. If you are attracted to them, try to date them,...problem solved. Stop turning it into a mind-puzzle.
PRW Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 ....when I have no real sense of personal attraction?That is just a mind-screw you are playing on yourself. It is non-sense and you are just convincing yourself it is true for some reason and making it a self-fulfilling/self-perpetuating thing. You are gas-lighting yourself or creating your own personal cognitive-dissonance.
alphamale Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 since you have very limited experience with dating and relationships you have not been able to ascertain what you do and don't like in a romantic partner 1
Author Inflikted Posted July 10, 2019 Author Posted July 10, 2019 If you don't feel attracted to them then don't try to date them,...problem solved. If you are attracted to them, try to date them,...problem solved. Stop turning it into a mind-puzzle. Heh, well, I wish it were that simple for me. That's the thing is that I don't find anyone to be particularly "attractive" or "not attractive". I don't feel like I'm purposely making it a "mind puzzle", I just never feel that draw to anyone, and I can't really imagine someone I could see myself being with. Heck, even on a superficial level, I have no real opinion on anyone in that way. Like, ask me if I think a celebrity is attractive, and I'll honestly just shrug. That's how it is for me overall, and I don't really get it. Again, most people have some idea of what they want to have in a partner or what attracts them to someone, right? Why not me?
alphamale Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 dude I think there may be something wrong inside your brain
Author Inflikted Posted July 10, 2019 Author Posted July 10, 2019 since you have very limited experience with dating and relationships you have not been able to ascertain what you do and don't like in a romantic partner I'm sure that's a part of it, sure. But shouldn't I still have some sort of affinity towards some qualities in a partner? Shouldn't there be something that should initially draw me to certain people over others? Is there no "catalyst" to get me feeling that way? dude I think there may be something wrong inside your brain Heh, yeah, sometimes I wonder...
Happy Lemming Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 @Inflikted There is nothing wrong with your brain, its just not at peace. Do you think you are just trying to quiet all of the thoughts running inside your brain during the average day? Do you want to picture this partner in your brain to satisfy some recurring thought?? Do you think maybe you are just stuck in an error loop: (1) I want someone special in my life (2) Picture attractive woman (3) Go find her (4) I can't... "dating doesn't seem viable" (5) Repeat step 1 If so, distract your brain with something else, some other activity.
Els Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 Most people in good relationships don't have a detailed "vision" of what their ideal partner would be like. We do have certain requirements, obviously, but people who literally have an image of the "ideal partner" and go looking for someone to fit that image exactly, are typically pretty screwed up. People are people, not objects to fulfill your vision. You'll know when you meet them. The problem is that you're not actually meeting anyone, are you? 1
Author Inflikted Posted July 10, 2019 Author Posted July 10, 2019 @Inflikted There is nothing wrong with your brain, its just not at peace. Do you think you are just trying to quiet all of the thoughts running inside your brain during the average day? Do you want to picture this partner in your brain to satisfy some recurring thought?? Do you think maybe you are just stuck in an error loop: (1) I want someone special in my life (2) Picture attractive woman (3) Go find her (4) I can't... "dating doesn't seem viable" (5) Repeat step 1 If so, distract your brain with something else, some other activity. Maybe? I don't know. I guess I just get latched on to certain "subjects" for a bit, then get burnt out for a bit and latch on the next one, and then cycle back around. I guess now, I'm circling back around to thinking about "someone". I dunno. Even if I can't find it, it'd be nice to have an idea of what I'm even looking for, something to think about. More than anything, it just bugs me thinking about how little "compatibility" I have with anyone in that way. I see couples around me, and I watch how they fit together and their dynamics, and I think it's wonderful, but then I try to imagine myself having a wonderful dynamic with someone, and I just can't see it. Which makes me kinda sad.
Versacehottie Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 Totally agree with Elyswth. I think it's normal enough if you can't "picture" this person--maybe on one hand that means you are relatively open or don't know yourself well enough yet to figure it out---or simply don't think in those terms. That said, i think it's out of the norm to not be attracted to people. Are you randomly attracted to people when you interact with them or even looking at photos? Think it starts with physical attraction & then you probably will learn or can open yourself up for emotional connection. Assuming you are a guy (but I could be wrong or missed reading it).
PRW Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 Heck, even on a superficial level, I have no real opinion on anyone in that way. Like, ask me if I think a celebrity is attractive, and I'll honestly just shrug. That's how it is for me overall, and I don't really get it.That can happen if you have spent too much time with porn. You become desensitized to beauty and/or sexuality. It can happen if you work in an industry surrounded by people who are 8-10 in attractiveness,...I think that is at least part of the reason the Hollywood/TV crowd are so screwed up.
Author Inflikted Posted July 10, 2019 Author Posted July 10, 2019 Most people in good relationships don't have a detailed "vision" of what their ideal partner would be like. We do have certain requirements, obviously, but people who literally have an image of the "ideal partner" and go looking for someone to fit that image exactly, are typically pretty screwed up. People are people, not objects to fulfill your vision. You'll know when you meet them. The problem is that you're not actually meeting anyone, are you? I'm not necessarily talking about a full, detailed image of a fictitious person. But, I mean, everyone generally has things they're attracted to, right? Why does someone feel attracted to person A but not to person B? Isn't that kind of how people start the process of dating with each other to begin with? Because something attracts them to each other? I just wish I had some idea. It's true, I'm no longer in a place in my life where I'm regularly meeting and interacting with new people, so it's unlikely dating is in my future, but even when I was meeting people, there was never that sense of "compatibility". Even if I went out and tried to meet people somehow, I don't have that internal "guide" to push me towards anyone in particular.
Versacehottie Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 Do you think it's possible that you are closed off from being emotionally open and attracted in any way as a form of protecting your heart? I just picked up that vibe from your most recent post.
Author Inflikted Posted July 10, 2019 Author Posted July 10, 2019 That said, i think it's out of the norm to not be attracted to people. Are you randomly attracted to people when you interact with them or even looking at photos? People I interact with? In general, no, not personally. I mean, don't get me wrong, I can often understand why other people consider "attractive" people to be that way, but it's more of a "I can see why they like this person" rather than a "I like this person, myself!", whether it be a regular person or a celebrity or whatever. That can happen if you have spent too much time with porn. You become desensitized to beauty and/or sexuality. It can happen if you work in an industry surrounded by people who are 8-10 in attractiveness,...I think that is at least part of the reason the Hollywood/TV crowd are so screwed up. Sure, sure, I wouldn't say I've ever indulged in porn to an "unhealthy" degree. Honestly, I never even liked "professional" porn because it seemed so fake and hokey. Even when I do watch porn, I prefer looking for videos of regular looking people, rather than people with "perfect bodies", or whatever. To some degree, when it comes to the physical side of things, one thing that messes with me, I guess, is that I don't really know where I fall on the scale, and thus, it's hard for me to look at someone and feel like we're within each other's range. So that kind of wipes my "physical attraction" sense off the map, because I feel like I need to make sure it's proportionate, or that they're not having to settle too much for me. But I can't really judge what that equates to. Do you think it's possible that you are closed off from being emotionally open and attracted in any way as a form of protecting your heart? I just picked up that vibe from your most recent post. Maybe? I dunno, is that something I would consciously know? I don't know that I consciously care about protecting myself from getting hurt, actually, I feel more like rejection is kind of inevitable. I don't see myself as someone anyone would want to be with, so I guess in my mind, it's less about protecting myself, and more about accepting that I'm not the person anyone else is looking for, "romantically".
Versacehottie Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 Maybe? I dunno, is that something I would consciously know? I don't know that I consciously care about protecting myself from getting hurt, actually, I feel more like rejection is kind of inevitable. I don't see myself as someone anyone would want to be with, so I guess in my mind, it's less about protecting myself, and more about accepting that I'm not the person anyone else is looking for, "romantically". To me, that does speak to trying to protect yourself from getting hurt. You imagine you won't be liked so your preventively protect yourself by not risking or shutting yourself off from having romantic feelings for others. At least, in part, that's what i think is going on. Work on your self-esteem where you could feel that it would be possible and that you would be worthy of love and i think that is half of it and should start to turn things around. Also sounds like this has gone on a while so you need to work on having the capacity to open up emotionally as well. Hate to go straight to it but perhaps therapy would help. Good luck
Author Inflikted Posted July 10, 2019 Author Posted July 10, 2019 To me, that does speak to trying to protect yourself from getting hurt. You imagine you won't be liked so your preventively protect yourself by not risking or shutting yourself off from having romantic feelings for others. At least, in part, that's what i think is going on. Work on your self-esteem where you could feel that it would be possible and that you would be worthy of love and i think that is half of it and should start to turn things around. Also sounds like this has gone on a while so you need to work on having the capacity to open up emotionally as well. Hate to go straight to it but perhaps therapy would help. Good luck I guess. I mean, I don't look at it from an overly negative point of view, I don't necessarily feel "down" on myself, or anything like that. But from a logical point of view, I can't really think of a reason why anyone would want to be with me in that way. Would that necessarily stunt my ability to be attracted or interested in other people? As far as emotionally opening up, yeah, I've been pretty closed off for most of my life, but I feel like I've made pretty good strides over the last 9 months or so since befriending a couple. I feel like they've really helped me come out of my shell and feel comfortable around people. And that's great! I love having them in my life. They make me feel valued and cared for, and I love that. But, dating is a whole different ballpark. Dating involves so many more "moving parts", so to speak... I feel I can be valued and appreciated... as a friend. But you have to have so much more to offer a potential romantic partner. And I'm not really sure what I could hope to offer someone in that way that they couldn't get from someone with much more to offer. Either way, it still doesn't feel right to not be attracted to anyone. I can't help but feel jealous of people who can look at someone with affection and love, or heck, even just lust. 1
Versacehottie Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 I guess. I mean, I don't look at it from an overly negative point of view, I don't necessarily feel "down" on myself, or anything like that. But from a logical point of view, I can't really think of a reason why anyone would want to be with me in that way. Would that necessarily stunt my ability to be attracted or interested in other people? As far as emotionally opening up, yeah, I've been pretty closed off for most of my life, but I feel like I've made pretty good strides over the last 9 months or so since befriending a couple. I feel like they've really helped me come out of my shell and feel comfortable around people. And that's great! I love having them in my life. They make me feel valued and cared for, and I love that. But, dating is a whole different ballpark. Dating involves so many more "moving parts", so to speak... I feel I can be valued and appreciated... as a friend. But you have to have so much more to offer a potential romantic partner. And I'm not really sure what I could hope to offer someone in that way that they couldn't get from someone with much more to offer. Either way, it still doesn't feel right to not be attracted to anyone. I can't help but feel jealous of people who can look at someone with affection and love, or heck, even just lust. Ok well i think you might just try a little introspection to see if it's the case. From where I stand, I think you've just become such a pro at protecting yourself that of course you don't feel down on yourself because you risk nothing or very little. I don't want to put words into your mouth or thoughts in your head if you don't feel that you need a strong sense of self esteem but your actions and words here keep having little tells (bolded above). I think it's great that you've expanded your social circle and think you should keep stretching yourself by adding more people, risking a little more, even try some activities where people will be new acquaintances for the day but no real expectations beyond that (low pressure but still an effort to stretch your comfort zone). IMO, if you don't feel that people would be attracted to you then of course it would stunt your ability to be attracted to others as a protective maneuver. I would say it doesn't feel right that you aren't attracted to someone either when again another tell between the lines is that you are here posting and the bolded above says it's something you want (about being envious of couples). I still can't discern if your a guy or a girl but i guess that part doesn't really matter (i think you're a guy for whatever reason). The only generalization would be as a guy, maybe check that something physical isn't going on (hormones) or as a girl that you've been so sheltered to thinking there is something bad about relationships and their physicality that comes with.
Author Inflikted Posted July 10, 2019 Author Posted July 10, 2019 Ok well i think you might just try a little introspection to see if it's the case. From where I stand, I think you've just become such a pro at protecting yourself that of course you don't feel down on yourself because you risk nothing or very little. I don't want to put words into your mouth or thoughts in your head if you don't feel that you need a strong sense of self esteem but your actions and words here keep having little tells (bolded above). I think it's great that you've expanded your social circle and think you should keep stretching yourself by adding more people, risking a little more, even try some activities where people will be new acquaintances for the day but no real expectations beyond that (low pressure but still an effort to stretch your comfort zone). IMO, if you don't feel that people would be attracted to you then of course it would stunt your ability to be attracted to others as a protective maneuver. I would say it doesn't feel right that you aren't attracted to someone either when again another tell between the lines is that you are here posting and the bolded above says it's something you want (about being envious of couples). I still can't discern if your a guy or a girl but i guess that part doesn't really matter (i think you're a guy for whatever reason). The only generalization would be as a guy, maybe check that something physical isn't going on (hormones) or as a girl that you've been so sheltered to thinking there is something bad about relationships and their physicality that comes with. Oh, sorry, yeah, I'm a guy. Anyway, yes, I'm sure you're correct, I do need to continue working on my self-esteem. For the most part, I've been feeling very good over the last several months, again, having friends has done wonders to make me feel better. But, I guess it's just a continual process that's going to take time; I suppose I can't expect all of my self-esteem issues to dissipate overnight just because I've been in higher spirits lately. In any case, I'm not sure I really foresee myself having new avenues to meet people any time soon. To be honest, I'm a big introvert; I love having a small social circle that I spend chunks of time with, but I don't have strong interests in being out and about beyond the time I spend with my friends. So, meeting people doesn't really appear to be in the cards. 1
preraph Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 You know, if you're not driven to pursue women, then take that pressure off yourself. It is possible this has to do with real bad self-esteem, but it could also be just that you are somewhere on the scale of not especially that sexual, even if not completely asexual. You are enjoying making friends now and that's a great thing. I say just enjoy that and don't put pressure on yourself to try to find a woman if you're truly not driven to do it. If it is self-esteem, that has already come up a ways just lately and you're happier, so maybe it will continue. But hey, if there's no drive to, don't force yourself to try to find a woman. You will either change and it will happen more naturally or it won't. Nothing to be upset about. We're all different on the sexuality scale.
Author Inflikted Posted July 11, 2019 Author Posted July 11, 2019 You know, if you're not driven to pursue women, then take that pressure off yourself. It is possible this has to do with real bad self-esteem, but it could also be just that you are somewhere on the scale of not especially that sexual, even if not completely asexual. You are enjoying making friends now and that's a great thing. I say just enjoy that and don't put pressure on yourself to try to find a woman if you're truly not driven to do it. If it is self-esteem, that has already come up a ways just lately and you're happier, so maybe it will continue. But hey, if there's no drive to, don't force yourself to try to find a woman. You will either change and it will happen more naturally or it won't. Nothing to be upset about. We're all different on the sexuality scale. Heh, well, I'm sure after some time, I'll stop thinking about it temporarily, and stress about something else, then circle back around, lol. It's a weird inner conflict, because having someone in my life was something I used to dream about when I was younger, then bitterness and doubt made that dream impossible. Now I'm feeling better personally and those old dreams are lingering in the back of my head, but my bad decisions in the past have put me in a position where dating just isn't feasible or realistic. It's more unsettling that I feel like I "can't". It's just an inner conflict that I can never seem to resolve, unfortunately. @_@
Versacehottie Posted July 11, 2019 Posted July 11, 2019 Listen I'm not knocking with what you have done so far and the accomplishments you've made and what your natural tendency is with the way you enjoy living your life--just saying that some of the "good" feelings you have now trigger what big step you would take on next--even if it come up in an uneasy or conflicted way first. That's probably because you are thinking of the big picture endpoint like a girlfriend or a wife, whereas what got you to where you are now was a series of smaller steps where you pushed yourself. It just has to get to a stage where wanting what you want becomes bigger than the fear that holds you back. Like it went with these new friends. I don't think it's a coincidence at all that since you are feeling better about your social life in general that this is on your mind currently. I do agree with preraph that you don't need to pressure yourself necessarily. I think growth is a series of moving forward when you are feeling good and can stretch yourself and then backing off a little when it's too much, within reason. You don't want to do it so much that you hide yourself away which is probably what happened and that became the safe protective place and status quo. I definitely don't want you to feel that you have self-esteem issues that are bigger than other people's. You just might have come up with a way of coping that is more isolating or keeps you from what you really want. I'm trying to encourage you Good luck and keep letting us know how it is going. btw in an ideal world, what would you do for fun & other interests? Start there next IMO.
mortensorchid Posted July 11, 2019 Posted July 11, 2019 This the definition of asexual: Some asexuals feel romantic attraction to other people, and have romantic relationships that don't include sex. Some people who identify as asexual might feel sexual desire once they've developed an emotional bond with a specific person. Some people describe themselves falling somewhere between sexual and asexual. So as you can see, it's kind of flexible and can be applied as you see fit. Kind of like "gender fluid". Does it apply to you?
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