Guy withdrawing

July 10, 2019

Hi there,

I was dating this guy (as in going out on dates, getting to know each other, talking every day but not yet as girlfriend/boyfriend, taking it slow) for the past three months and everything was going great.

Eventually, last week, he started acting off. I asked him if anything was up and he told me he wasn't feeling very well but it wasn't anything to do with me. I told him if he wanted to talk to me, he could, but he isn't the kind of person to vent or talk about his feelings very much - he told me he doesn't even talk too much about that to his guy friends, he prefers to deal with it alone. Ok, all good.

A couple of days pass, he is still acting weird and different, less attentive, but he reassures, once again, that it was nothing to do with me. At some point, he texts me saying he wasn't feeling well still and he didn't want to come off as rude or anything to me so he would talk to me later.

3 silent days pass and I was feeling insecure (as if he was ghosting me, as i had a very bad past experience with it). I decided to ask him if anything was up, if he wanted me to drop contact entirely, I just would like to be told so I didn't bother him again but i'd respect it. Nothing too crazy but I understand that maybe I was being a bit too insecure. However, I needed to know so I could lick my wounds and move on instead of waiting. A couple of hours later, he told me he still isn't in a good emotional moment and he doesn't think it's fair for me (or anyone) to talk to someone who isn't ok right now. I told him it was ok and all that but he didn't reply telling me if we would talk again eventually or not.

The thing is, as we are not in a relationship, i don't know if I should take this as a polite rejection (I literally just wanted a very blunt one, if I could pick lol) or as what he told me? I won't reach out anymore but what should I think/do? Is it usual for guys, generally speaking, to just drop off when they aren't well?

Thank you!

July 10, 2019

Just leave him be for the time being, he will talk when he is ready to talk,

a bit of distance having ones own space is good too in relationships,

once he sees you are giving him space, believe it or not he may warm to you again.

July 10, 2019

My bf has anxiety episodes and sometimes he feels depressed a little for no reason. He usually prefers being alone during those time. It happened early on when we were dating. All I would say is « I’m there if you need me », and leave him be and not say anything else. He would text me a short message sometimes, and he’d eventually come back when he was feeling better. Now, we’ve been together a year so we learned to navigate those episodes together and it’s all good.

Sometimes, when we feel down, we just want to be left alone and be cut from the outside world. Don’t initiate anything, but in 2-3 days, if you haven’t heard anything, assume it’s over. That’s my advice

July 10, 2019

He may just be having some personal private issues going on in his life at the moment, and as you say he likes to deal with things on his own. Or it could be the quiet rejection. Give it a bit of time and if you still haven't heard anything from him then start moving on.

July 10, 2019

I would let him initiate when he wants to talk but if we are not exclusive I would not be waiting on him to come around. I recommend you do the same. always keep it moving until there is a guy that is willing to lock you down. guys that are really into you will contact you consistently towards exclusivity. you dont have to remind them. right now he is either really going through something and dont want to focus on dating or he is really not into you. either way it doesnt give you what your looking for with this guy. so leave him be. also dont expect guys who are not your boyfriend to give you unneeded "closure". you can expect that from a boyfriend but not anything less. so do move on and date other men. at 3 months no exclusivity I personally would be ignoring him but I know other people have more forgiving timelines than I do. when he gets his head out of his butt he know where he can find you if he wants to if he is not too late.

July 10, 2019

Speaking as a guy, it could be mild depression. It could be an internal depression or something that's happened to him such as bad grades on the test, passed over for promotion at work, wrecked the car or worry over financial pressures. Lots of things can happen and make you not want to get up in the morning let alone talk to anyone.

It could also be that he's trying to shelve your budding relationship. It could be something you've done or said but not realized the import of and he took silent offense to it. The gossip train may have arrived and he heard something negative about you which is causing him shy away. You sound pretty young to have too many skeletons in the closet. It of course could be he has met someone else.

If he won't tell you and you can't get a clue from his friends, and your own behavior and past isn't tripping you up then I guess you have to accept what he says and wait until he decides to come clean.

You know him better then I do. Which one of these reasons seems most likely?

Don't wait. Date other men. There are others that will appreciate a fine, sensitive person such as yourself.

Best Wishes

July 10, 2019

I told him if he wanted to talk to me, he could, but he isn't the kind of person to vent or talk about his feelings very much

That is the way you do it with women, not men. Men have to be alone with their thoughts.

- he told me he doesn't even talk too much about that to his guy friends, he prefers to deal with it alone. Ok, all good.

Exactly, that is the way it functions with men.

At some point, he texts me saying he wasn't feeling well still and he didn't want to come off as rude or anything to me so he would talk to me later.

That was respectful and shows he is actually thinking about your feelings.

3 silent days pass and I was feeling insecure

3 days is not ghosting. I go way longer than that without a second thought.

The thing is, as we are not in a relationship, i don't know if I should take this as a polite rejection (I literally just wanted a very blunt one, if I could pick lol) or as what he told me? I won't reach out anymore but what should I think/do? Is it usual for guys, generally speaking, to just drop off when they aren't well?

I doubt he is "sick" or unwell,...what he is doing is struggling with decisions. It is normal when a guy is trying to decide what they want to do, or if they have a couple of options on what to do and are having a hard time deciding between the two. You are correct in that you are not BF/GF, but at 3 months you have hit the decision point of what you are to do as a couple which usually hits around 2 months in a healthy situation. Because you are not BF/GF there could be another woman (maybe more) involved and he is at the point of trying to figure out which way to go and is having a hard time doing it.

It doesn't hurt for you to contact him once or twice a week if you don't hear anything. If he is trying to make a decision as I said,... then if you give him the impression that YOU are not interested and that YOU are walking away,....then he will decide AGAINST YOU. A guy will pick the woman who shows the MOST interest and is the one who is the EASIEST to deal with and has LESS DRAMA,...this is the woman who will win.

July 10, 2019

Just leave him be for the time being, he will talk when he is ready to talk,

a bit of distance having ones own space is good too in relationships,

once he sees you are giving him space, believe it or not he may warm to you again.

Thank you for the opinion. How long do you think I should give it? Going forward, I don't think I'll contact him unless he initiates after this situation, but how long am I supposed to wait till I move on? Thanks!

July 10, 2019

My bf has anxiety episodes and sometimes he feels depressed a little for no reason. He usually prefers being alone during those time. It happened early on when we were dating. All I would say is « I’m there if you need me », and leave him be and not say anything else. He would text me a short message sometimes, and he’d eventually come back when he was feeling better. Now, we’ve been together a year so we learned to navigate those episodes together and it’s all good.
Sometimes, when we feel down, we just want to be left alone and be cut from the outside world. Don’t initiate anything, but in 2-3 days, if you haven’t heard anything, assume it’s over. That’s my advice

Thank you for the perspective. You're right, sometimes it's thoughtful even to stop talking to someone if you're not well for a bit. I think I fear this situation in specific because we are not in a relationship, so I don't have any "guarantees" or anything like that and I think he could just be blowing me off gently instead of being blunt. He even joked about how I was overreacting when I asked him, so I don't know why he would if he didn't want to talk to me again. Anyway, thank you again, wishing you and your bf the best!

July 10, 2019

He may just be having some personal private issues going on in his life at the moment, and as you say he likes to deal with things on his own. Or it could be the quiet rejection. Give it a bit of time and if you still haven't heard anything from him then start moving on.

I think that's the right way to go and that's what I'll try to do. How long do you think I should give it before cutting it out of my mind completely? Thank you for the input!

July 10, 2019

I would let him initiate when he wants to talk but if we are not exclusive I would not be waiting on him to come around. I recommend you do the same. always keep it moving until there is a guy that is willing to lock you down. guys that are really into you will contact you consistently towards exclusivity. you dont have to remind them. right now he is either really going through something and dont want to focus on dating or he is really not into you. either way it doesnt give you what your looking for with this guy. so leave him be. also dont expect guys who are not your boyfriend to give you unneeded "closure". you can expect that from a boyfriend but not anything less. so do move on and date other men. at 3 months no exclusivity I personally would be ignoring him but I know other people have more forgiving timelines than I do. when he gets his head out of his butt he know where he can find you if he wants to if he is not too late.

I think I'm being forgiving about the timeline because we both talked about how we thought it was important to get to know someone well before getting into a relationship right away. At this point, I don't even know though. Thank you for your input though, it helps! I will definitely let him initiate contact if he wants but I won't do it first now. I'll try to distract myself meanwhile. Thanks

July 10, 2019

Speaking as a guy, it could be mild depression. It could be an internal depression or something that's happened to him such as bad grades on the test, passed over for promotion at work, wrecked the car or worry over financial pressures. Lots of things can happen and make you not want to get up in the morning let alone talk to anyone.

It could also be that he's trying to shelve your budding relationship. It could be something you've done or said but not realized the import of and he took silent offense to it. The gossip train may have arrived and he heard something negative about you which is causing him shy away. You sound pretty young to have too many skeletons in the closet. It of course could be he has met someone else.

If he won't tell you and you can't get a clue from his friends, and your own behavior and past isn't tripping you up then I guess you have to accept what he says and wait until he decides to come clean.

You know him better then I do. Which one of these reasons seems most likely?

Don't wait. Date other men. There are others that will appreciate a fine, sensitive person such as yourself.

Best Wishes

This was really sweet and thoughtful, thank you, I appreciate that!

I don't think I said anything wrong, it was all going fine until it wasn't. I went over our conversations mentally and I can't think of anything specific that I might have said that would be out of the usual. He even mentioned going out again and he would introduce new topics of conversation, while he was still acting a bit weird but not yet silent. I'm young, yes, I'm 21 haha! I don't have that much of a dating background experience, as I was in a really long relationship that ended a while back and I decided to take some time to recover, so all these things are a bit new and confusing. I'll wait a bit but try to keep distracted. Thanks!

July 10, 2019

That is the way you do it with women, not men. Men have to be alone with their thoughts.

Exactly, that is the way it functions with men.

That was respectful and shows he is actually thinking about your feelings.

3 days is not ghosting. I go way longer than that without a second thought.

I doubt he is "sick" or unwell,...what he is doing is struggling with decisions. It is normal when a guy is trying to decide what they want to do, or if they have a couple of options on what to do and are having a hard time deciding between the two. You are correct in that you are not BF/GF, but at 3 months you have hit the decision point of what you are to do as a couple which usually hits around 2 months in a healthy situation. Because you are not BF/GF there could be another woman (maybe more) involved and he is at the point of trying to figure out which way to go and is having a hard time doing it.

It doesn't hurt for you to contact him once or twice a week if you don't hear anything. If he is trying to make a decision as I said,... then if you give him the impression that YOU are not interested and that YOU are walking away,....then he will decide AGAINST YOU. A guy will pick the woman who shows the MOST interest and is the one who is the EASIEST to deal with and has LESS DRAMA,...this is the woman who will win.

Hi, thank you for your straightforward perspective, I appreciate that!

I think I won't be contacting him again as I am not sure if this is a polite rejection yet and I don't wanna seem crazy. I understand what you mean by seeming interested but where should I draw the line after texting him last time after what he said? Anyway, I will definitely take into consideration what you mentioned. If (which will probably happen) I am still emotionally available for him, I'll try to react without drama and insecurity. I don't know how but i'll try! haha. thanks!

Edited July 10, 2019 by lilymelrosa

July 10, 2019

It doesn't hurt for you to contact him once or twice a week if you don't hear anything. If he is trying to make a decision as I said,... then if you give him the impression that YOU are not interested and that YOU are walking away,....then he will decide AGAINST YOU. A guy will pick the woman who shows the MOST interest and is the one who is the EASIEST to deal with and has LESS DRAMA,...this is the woman who will win.

op I do not recommend you try to compete for this man showing distant behavior after you have shown him consistent interest. if he is deciding between you and another woman do not demean yourself by initiating contact. you can respond if he initiates if you want to. but he is the one needing so much space all ready early into dating and yall are not even exclusive yet lol. he can get back in contact with you if he wants. just dont wait for him. move on. I recommend you date other men as well but I know people are into being foolishly loyal to guys who clearly are not loyal nor are your boyfriend

Edited July 10, 2019 by Curiousroxy86

July 10, 2019

I don't recommend distancing yourself just now. Simply let him be for a while. I know it's hard at first, because I lived it. In the beginning, I didn't really know how to deal with my bf's episodes. Being a therapist, I tend to want to talk everything out and help, but sometimes, it is not what they need. Today, a year into the relationship, I can detect, from how he speaks to me and the words he uses, if he really wants to be alone, or if he's down, but my presence would be okay. In the later, I just show up at his place, cuddle, rub his back and we don't talk, we just watch tv and things, but I'm there for emotional support. It took months to get to a point where we each know what the other needs without having to express it.

At the moment, he expressed the need to be alone. Give him that space and time. Occupy yourself with activities and hobbies. In a couple of days, if he hasn't text or call, you can write him a : Hi, I was thinking of you. Hope you're doing better... then leave it at that. He might answer or not, but you'll show him you support him and are still there for him. If it goes on too long without a word, you can assume he's ghosting, and move on. But that's my take on the situation.

July 10, 2019

we can only guess, like an ex came calling and slept with her, now he is confused, he slept with someone or met someone else and is acting he's depressed/ needs space to push you along, or he's a sufferer of depression...so when things get really good, he starts self doubting and sabotage the relationship. Whatever it is, dump the chump. You don't need this crap.

July 10, 2019

op I do not recommend you try to compete for this man showing distant behavior after you have shown him consistent interest. if he is deciding between you and another woman do not demean yourself by initiating contact. you can respond if he initiates if you want to. but he is the one needing so much space all ready early into dating and yall are not even exclusive yet lol. he can get back in contact with you if he wants. just dont wait for him. move on. I recommend you date other men as well but I know people are into being foolishly loyal to guys who clearly are not loyal nor are your boyfriend

You're so right! since the beginning, i had this need to be respectful and loyal to him even if right now i'm not feeling that respected and it is so dumb. I will definitely not text him first, for sure. I am even trying to spend as little time online as possible so I can stop looking for him. If he texts back, I will most likely reply, unless something happens to my life suddenly, but I won't text him first no more. Thanks!

July 10, 2019

I don't recommend distancing yourself just now. Simply let him be for a while. I know it's hard at first, because I lived it. In the beginning, I didn't really know how to deal with my bf's episodes. Being a therapist, I tend to want to talk everything out and help, but sometimes, it is not what they need. Today, a year into the relationship, I can detect, from how he speaks to me and the words he uses, if he really wants to be alone, or if he's down, but my presence would be okay. In the later, I just show up at his place, cuddle, rub his back and we don't talk, we just watch tv and things, but I'm there for emotional support. It took months to get to a point where we each know what the other needs without having to express it.

At the moment, he expressed the need to be alone. Give him that space and time. Occupy yourself with activities and hobbies. In a couple of days, if he hasn't text or call, you can write him a : Hi, I was thinking of you. Hope you're doing better... then leave it at that. He might answer or not, but you'll show him you support him and are still there for him. If it goes on too long without a word, you can assume he's ghosting, and move on. But that's my take on the situation.

I don't think it's fair for me to send him more messages but I totally understand your point of view. I just don't know how many days? Thanks!

July 10, 2019

we can only guess, like an ex came calling and slept with her, now he is confused, he slept with someone or met someone else and is acting he's depressed/ needs space to push you along, or he's a sufferer of depression...so when things get really good, he starts self doubting and sabotage the relationship. Whatever it is, dump the chump. You don't need this crap.

you're definitely not wrong. I have a hard time giving up on people and dropping them. I don't seem to know how to do it unless I get directly rejected (which I asked him to do tbh). Thanks for the input though!

July 10, 2019

Several years ago a guy I had been dating for 6 months started withdrawing. I asked him point blank if he was ok or just losing interest? That if he were I’d rather know up front and there would be no hard feelings. He expressed to me that he was just going through some health issues and did not want to bring me down with those. And that he would be in touch when he was in a better place. So I wished him well and told him I was here if he needed anything and I let him be. Well 4 years later and still no word from him. Turns out he was dating someone else as well (we did not discuss exclusivity so I can’t fault him for that) and they’ve been together for the past 4 years....living together now and pretty serious about each other. All I can do is hope that he is in better health now! Lol

July 10, 2019

I think that's the right way to go and that's what I'll try to do. How long do you think I should give it before cutting it out of my mind completely? Thank you for the input!

Maybe a week or so? I don't really know if there is a certain time line. I'd say until you've had enough of not hearing anything. Best of luck

July 10, 2019

Maybe a week or so? I don't really know if there is a certain time line. I'd say until you've had enough of not hearing anything. Best of luck

Don’t give it another minute lol. Focus on moving on right now. Whether you wait like a puppy dog for a week or go ahead and move on with your life it’s not going to change the decision he has made nor the decision he is going to make in the future so you might as well just move on now. Again if he wants to contact you he will. Just don’t wait.

If you wasn’t stuck on this guy what would you be doing?

Go do that.

Good luck Op

July 10, 2019

When someone tells or shows me that they want space I become NASA. They can contact Houston when they figure out what their problem is. If they take too long, they may not have a place to land their aircraft.

If this guy takes more than 5 days to get back in touch with you, I wouldn't answer if I were you.

July 10, 2019

Thank you for the opinion. How long do you think I should give it? Going forward, I don't think I'll contact him unless he initiates after this situation, but how long am I supposed to wait till I move on? Thanks!

Give it one week perhaps, no contact at all from you unless he initiates it,

try a "Hows it going" then,

you would want a more responsive reaction from him then at this point, meeting you half way, showing you some friendliness.

if he continues to be evasive and lukewarm it may be best to let it go at that stage

July 11, 2019

Several years ago a guy I had been dating for 6 months started withdrawing. I asked him point blank if he was ok or just losing interest? That if he were I’d rather know up front and there would be no hard feelings. He expressed to me that he was just going through some health issues and did not want to bring me down with those. And that he would be in touch when he was in a better place. So I wished him well and told him I was here if he needed anything and I let him be. Well 4 years later and still no word from him. Turns out he was dating someone else as well (we did not discuss exclusivity so I can’t fault him for that) and they’ve been together for the past 4 years....living together now and pretty serious about each other. All I can do is hope that he is in better health now! Lol

Yikes, lol. that sounds so mean tbh! I can't understand why people can't just be upfront about it. This guy had the guts to even joke about how I was overthinking the situation only to probably do the same as your guy. The nerve. Thanks

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Guy withdrawing

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