Physical attraction IS important to many and it's OKAY - discussion?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

A guy doesn’t always have to be drop dead gorgeous for me to think he is attractive...

 

And some men lose all attractiveness as soon as they open their mouth. There is a cast member on the show Below Deck that comes to mind (I feel like I've talked about this before). He has a very handsome face and nice smile, and smokin' hot body. But it's completely ruined as soon as he opens his mouth because his personality is so obnoxious. Can't remember his name... There's also another cast member who looks kinda nerdy and he's soooo adorable because of his sweet and funny personality. I'd like him to marry my daughter .

[Curiousroxy86]

Omg so true cautiously

[thefooloftheyear]

And some men lose all attractiveness as soon as they open their mouth. There is a cast member on the show Below Deck that comes to mind (I feel like I've talked about this before). He has a very handsome face and nice smile, and smokin' hot body. But it's completely ruined as soon as he opens his mouth because his personality is so obnoxious. Can't remember his name... There's also another cast member who looks kinda nerdy and he's soooo adorable because of his sweet and funny personality. I'd like him to marry my daughter .

 

Im a man of few words....

 

TFY

[Shining One]

I see much more backlash against people who find certain behaviors or non-physical traits attractive - just look at the "paying for dates" thread.

To be fair, that thread got heated only after people on both sides started flinging insults. Fortunately, this thread has yet to reach that stage and hopefully it never does.

[Shining One]

I've never seen much backlash towards people who prioritize physical attraction though, to be honest. In fact, it seems to be largely accepted as the norm.

While I haven't faced any backlash here, I've been chastised by more than one female friend for having a preference for symmetrical, perky breasts and for not continuing to see certain women due to their lack of them.

[Azathoth]

as long as the person who have those strict preferences dont complain about being single or not being able to find anyone or hurl criticisms at those outside of their preferences then I think its perfectly fine that they have those preferences

Does that same logic apply to women who complain that men don't pursue them?

[MINAKO]

While I haven't faced any backlash here, I've been chastised by more than one female friend for having a preference for symmetrical, perky breasts and for not continuing to see certain women due to their lack of them.

 

Yes, I have seen a ton of backlash as well, including attacking those who choose to not date transgendered people (and are labelled transphobes), women who are only into tall guys, guys who are only happy with fit women, and so on.

 

Honestly, I do not see any preference as a problem as it is a subconscious desire, all of it. It does not mean people who do not fit someone's ideal are not important or worth it, but it also does not mean that the person with a preference is horrible either.

 

For example, I love beautiful, thick hair on men - one day they may lose all of it (genetics, cancer, who knows), which is fine, something I accept and obviously by then I would be in love with who they are as a human being and what they mean to me. But if right at the start there is already no hair, then I would struggle for that initial attraction. I need physical attraction far before an emotional attachment, almost like a foundation. It is the way it is. Does not make me heartless.

[littleblackheart]

Physical attraction is an obvious essential for most people and has nothing to do with looks, really - could be a voice, a swagger, a smile, kind eyes, how someone interacts with the people around them, how they talk about their passions,...

 

My own 'preference' is someone who has no hang-ups, who can see the positive in any situation, who takes risks and who treats people with respect and consideration so for me personally, physical attraction is essential but not primary.

 

I don't have a 'type' and have no interest in men who have traits they are obsessive about. A preference is fine, an obsession is not - I feel the line between the 2 is being increasingly muddled so anyone can justify their narrow-mindedness by labelling it a 'preference'. Being attracted to one particular type of person only is beyond 'preference' level, and is offputting (to me) even when I fit that type.

[MINAKO]

A preference is fine, an obsession is not - I feel the line between the 2 is being increasingly muddled so anyone can justify their narrow-mindedness by labelling it a 'preference'. Being attracted to one particular type of person only is beyond 'preference' level, and is offputting (to me) even when I fit that type.

 

Thank you for sharing. I really understand your point. I believe that (physical) preference is not something that can be helped, therefore the person should not be blamed for it. So if someone is only passionately attracted to brunette latin women, that they cannot help it. That it is not like they just decided to be attracted to that type one day. And I agree with the obsession part - at that point I do not think what they are looking for is love, but rather some sort of perfection and would be a situation where the person would most likely fall out of love once the physical looks of someone has faded or changed over time.

[littleblackheart]

I actually think it can be helped, like any cognitive behaviour. There are (sometimes deep-rooted, psychological) reasons for those 'preferences', no-one is a 'victim' of their tastes...

 

There's no reason to blame anyone for a genuine preference for sure or even an obsession. But we should be able to stop amalgamating an obsession with a preference.

Edited July 11, 2019 by littleblackheart

[Els]

While I haven't faced any backlash here, I've been chastised by more than one female friend for having a preference for symmetrical, perky breasts and for not continuing to see certain women due to their lack of them.

 

 

Personally if it's more than just "attraction" to someone, but rather a non-negotiable "requirement", I do view that person with a bit of skepticism. For instance, a woman ditching a man whom she found otherwise attractive just because he didn't pay for one particular date, or a man ditching a woman whom he found otherwise attractive just because her breasts were slightly asymmetrical. I think it's fine and normal for a particular trait to be considered more attractive as part of the whole package, but if someone makes their decisions SOLELY based on one specific thing like that, it does make me think that they might not make a good long-term partner.

 

 

But, that's just me. I don't think there's any "wrong" or "right" here, just different opinions. I certainly wouldn't chastise a guy randomly for saying what you did, although I might get a bit snarky if he simultaneously complains about "not being able to find a woman"

Edited July 11, 2019 by Elswyth

[Curiousroxy86]

Does that same logic apply to women who complain that men don't pursue them?

 

yes it most definitely applies

 

whatever your preference or dating strategy (no matter male or female) you either accept your choice or make a change and cant really worry about what another is doing since it is out of your control and pretty much have to be okay with whoever you bring into your dating pool and also who you leave out of your dating pool as a result of your choices

[Curiousroxy86]

 

Being attracted to one particular type of person only is beyond 'preference' level, and is offputting (to me) even when I fit that type.

 

I agree. I have a caramel complexion and the guy I was talking to at the time was darker than me. after he complimented me on my skin tone he says "I cant date anyone darker than you." and again this man is darker than me . I was like so what if she was extremely beautiful you still wouldnt give her a chance? he shook his head no. I was so turned off. He came off very ignorant and self hating. I stopped talking to him after while. he just kept opening his mouth.....

 

 

And some men lose all attractiveness as soon as they open their mouth.

[Cathy7]

I agree. This sounds ridiculous. At least he saved you the trouble of dating him at all.It doesn't seem like a person anybody would be happy with. I think that everyone has this special something to which we are drawn, in terms of appearance and behaviour, and then we stay because of personality and getting to know the person on a deeper level.

[Curiousroxy86]

I actually think it can be helped, like any cognitive behaviour. There are (sometimes deep-rooted, psychological) reasons for those 'preferences', no-one is a 'victim' of their tastes...

 

im curious....

 

so in your opinion a person who have preferences can make themselves like differently or like something that they dont like before if they really wanted to?

[Curiousroxy86]

Personally if it's more than just "attraction" to someone, but rather a non-negotiable "requirement", I do view that person with a bit of skepticism.

 

I think it's fine and normal for a particular trait to be considered more attractive as part of the whole package, but if someone makes their decisions SOLELY based on one specific thing like that, it does make me think that they might not make a good long-term partner.

 

when I think of the term attractive....I think how we like, how we are drawn to, how we respond positive to certain stimuli so I can see someone not considering a particular action or behavior attractive or unattractive that has nothing to do with physical. and I can see how some of those things become deal breakers. like cautiously mentioned how a guy can be physically attractive but he says or does things that turn you off. just like how the guy that dont like lopsided breasts you had a negative reaction to the point that you dont deem them a good long term partner. I mean its technically the same thing the only difference is you begin to discriminate against people who show discriminatory behavior lol.

 

if he said a woman who does drugs doesnt do it for him I am sure you wouldnt have the same visceral reaction. but technicially its the same concept except what he is discriminating against you may agree with. if you dont agree its easy to determine that person is "skeptical" lol

 

for me I feel like there are things its okay to be open about and there are things that I am unapologetically closed minded about. and because I am perfectly fine with the way I am I may see someone thats open about things I would not be or closed minded about things I would not be and can easily think that person is being very unwise and they can think vice versa towards me. fact is we are just different and dont always agree

[Shining One]

Personally if it's more than just "attraction" to someone, but rather a non-negotiable "requirement", I do view that person with a bit of skepticism. For instance, a woman ditching a man whom she found otherwise attractive just because he didn't pay for one particular date, or a man ditching a woman whom he found otherwise attractive just because her breasts were slightly asymmetrical. I think it's fine and normal for a particular trait to be considered more attractive as part of the whole package, but if someone makes their decisions SOLELY based on one specific thing like that, it does make me think that they might not make a good long-term partner.

In two of the cases, it was more than slightly asymmetrical. In the third case, it was the "final straw" since she had a few other non-physical qualities that decreased her appeal. While I haven't found a woman who was "perfect" in every way except that, I don't think I would drop said otherwise "perfect" woman for a small amount of asymmetry.

[Shining One]

I have a caramel complexion and the guy I was talking to at the time was darker than me. after he complimented me on my skin tone he says "I cant date anyone darker than you." and again this man is darker than me . I was like so what if she was extremely beautiful you still wouldnt give her a chance? he shook his head no. I was so turned off. He came off very ignorant and self hating.

To me, this seems no different than a short woman who only dates tall men, or a fat man who only dates thin women. It's fairly common for people to desire physical attributes in their partners they don't posses themselves.

[littleblackheart]

It's not just my opinion and you wouldn't make yourself like differently, but yes.

 

It's a thought process like any. There is invariably an underlying reason for your 'preferences' - understanding what they are, and taking control of your thought process, can help you shift your mindset - it's a healthy thing to do generally, but especially when it starts to be pervasive (like it's making you too fussy or it spills into other parts of your life)

 

Eg - Person A does not want to date blondes / a teacher / any other one thing because of a bad previous relationship = not dealing with past history.

 

Person B only wanting to date tall / dark / handsome because they can't get over an ex = trying to recreate a past.

 

So having a fixation can mean being stuck in a period of time that has not been dealt with or having a pervasive cognitive issue

- obessing over physical, shallow traits can be a sign of narcissism, for instance (though not always, obviously). It can also be obeying the social diktat of the day.

 

A preference is just liking something over something else but it's not pervasive, you have more of an open mind; totally fine.

 

 

 

 

im curious....

 

so in your opinion a person who have preferences can make themselves like differently or like something that they dont like before if they really wanted to?

Edited July 11, 2019 by littleblackheart

[Curiousroxy86]

To me, this seems no different than a short woman who only dates tall men, or a fat man who only dates thin women. It's fairly common for people to desire physical attributes in their partners they don't posses themselves.

 

the guy was dark skinned and said wont date dark skinned women...

 

thats like a fat woman saying she wont date fat men

 

and when that guy said that I was turned off because it came off like he hated himself (his own dark skin) and was a bit of a hypocrit...ugh

 

and the more ignorant things that came out of his mouth outside of the skin color preference confirmed what i thought

[Shining One]

the guy was dark skinned and said wont date dark skinned women...

 

thats like a fat woman saying she wont date fat men

I hear short women saying they won't date short men all of the time. I personally wouldn't be turned off by a short woman saying "I can't date anyone shorter than you" to me.

[Els]

In two of the cases, it was more than slightly asymmetrical. In the third case, it was the "final straw" since she had a few other non-physical qualities that decreased her appeal. While I haven't found a woman who was "perfect" in every way except that, I don't think I would drop said otherwise "perfect" woman for a small amount of asymmetry.

 

 

Then I don't see any harm in it.

 

 

I absolutely have preferences and non-personality-based things that I'm attracted to as well. No shame in it IMO.

[elaine567]

Is not everyone entitled to their own opinion?

They after all are going to spend money, time and energy with the person, they are going to have to look at that person daily, so surely they have every right to have their preferences and expectations met. We all have our preferences, sometimes based on pure basic aesthetics, sometimes on pure individual choice,(which can be due to many different influences and experiences).

 

I see nothing wrong with a dark skinned guy looking for a lighter skinned woman, that's his choice. Maybe he hates his own dark skin, maybe his mother was lighter skinned, maybe he grew up with crushes on lighter skinned women... etc. Who knows?

The problem is perhaps that he voiced it to Roxy saying she was his basic minimum... a tad darker and she was out...

[Els]

The problem is perhaps that he voiced it to Roxy saying she was his basic minimum... a tad darker and she was out...

 

 

Yeah, I agree that that was a super weird thing to say. Implies some degree of social impairment, IMO.

[littleblackheart]

It's neither right nor wrong, and everything is a 'personal choice' but there sometimes are underlying reasons that can explain a rationale away, and those reasons aren't always attractive (eg too much social conditioning, racism, prejudice, unresolved issues...).

 

Just something to bear in mind.