Guy freaked out about exclusivity,then sent mixed signals what do i do from here

[Candygirl1414]

A guy I’ve been dating for 3 months and I were hanging out recently, we were in bed and I told him I wanted to ask him something and if he could give me an honest answer. He immediately got uncomfortable and said “what do you need to ask me… it’s too soon” Not having any idea what he meant I kept saying whats “too soon”, we were getting nowhere so I told him to forget about what I wanted to ask entirely. The next morning before I left I tried to bring up my question again, he again got uncomfortable and told me it wasn’t a good time to ask. I went home and thought about it and realized that he probably thought I wanted to ask him to be exclusive which would explain why he said it was too soon. Thing is that is so far what I wanted to ask him about – one of his coworkers that’s he always said has a crush on me keep texting me and i wanted to ask him if he was comfortable me telling that guy that the two of us were seeing each. I didn’t want to do it without his okay since it involves his work life. But the thing is this guy had a full on melt down and couldn’t even listen to what I had to say when he thought I wanted to be exclusive!

 

Two days later I was out at a festival with my girlfriends, we had met some guys and met up with 2 of my male coworkers and were just chatting with them, when I ran into him there. Since I knew I wasn’t doing anything wrong I went up to him, gave him a big hug and introduced my friends and the guys. He seemed really awkward and immediately told me he was leaving. Hours later in the early hours of the morning I get a text saying “ hope I didn’t cramp your night” I replied that I actually felt I was the one who did that to him since he left so quick, and he replied “ you were with a guy! I didn’t know what to do” I replied that the man I was standing with at the time was my coworker, I was saying that to you that then you said you were leaving. I hope you guys had fun”. He never replied and he haven’t talked since ( 1 day). I’m a little annoyed because obviously from our conversation-or lack there of- he made it pretty clear to me that he wasn’t ready to be exclusive, yet felt it was appropriate to call me out when he ran into me with another guy without even knowing the background of who he was..!! I also feel a little disrespected that he never listened to what I had to say in the first place..but overall he is a nice guy so im really torn at what to do. The festival I saw him it is also I festival that is going on in m city for 10 day which is im assuming the reason the thought of being exclusive made him so uncomfortable. He was in a long term relationship for years and this is the first time he will be single for it, which is fine but I wish he could have communicated that like an adult, and if that’s the reason why do you think It’s okay to call me out for just being seen with a guy. It’s been 3 days now since we’ve spoken which is the longest in the 3 mths we’ve been seeing each other. I do feel a little bad if he is embarrassed about acting jealous...I was thinking of maybe reach out tomorrow or the day after and just laying it all, since I don’t think he’s able.. Is the right move to just go a few days without speaking, give each other some space then see where we both at? Or wait for him to reach out considering?

[basil67]

Sounds to me like he sees you as a FWB rather than a girlfriend. And please don't take the words "too soon" literally. In this case, it translates to "I don't want to discuss it". His reaction to you and the coworker was a reflection of his immaturity....he doesn't want to date only you, but expects you to date only him.

 

Move on. I'm sure you can find a great guy who actually wants you.

[PegNosePete]

Sounds to me like he sees you as a FWB rather than a girlfriend.

Yes, exactly. He clearly wants to keep this extremely casual, not be seen with you in public, not discuss anything, etc.

 

If you're looking for a relationship then you need to move on from this one because he's just looking for casual fun.

[elaine567]

Exclusive doesn't mean "Marry me, we'll have great kids and I will die in your arms.." it just means neither of you is sleeping with other people which is pretty sensible health wise.

 

As he sounds like a complete bozo, who doesn't listen to a word you say and who is sleeping with other women, I suggest you stop sleeping with him..

 

Women often make the mistake of thinking jealousy in a man is a sign of feelings for her.

Wrong.

Men just tend not to like other men sleeping with women they are sleeping with. It has nothing to do with feelings for the woman in question, a woman he may not care a jot about, it is more about male pride and wanting to avoid "sloppy seconds"...

 

Many fwb/casual arrangements pan out to mean he is sleeping with any one who will have him, yet he demands exclusivity on her side by him getting jealous and acting out...

After 3 months if you are looking for something "serious", then this is not the guy for you.

[Curiousroxy86]

if I were in your position I would be completely turned off by this guys actions. I wouldn't want to continue talking to him towards anything to do with us interacting romantically honestly. if yall are not exclusive I would read the tea leaves, move on, and date other men. if he contacts you its your prerogative to respond but honestly at 3 months and acting like a lil biaaaaaa.... when I try to ask a simple question twice? I would be ignoring his behind at this point.

[salparadise]

I went home and thought about it and realized that he probably thought I wanted to ask him to be exclusive which would explain why he said it was too soon.

 

So you're assuming that this is what he was thinking? You could be right, but then you might not be. It's one possibility out of who knows how many. Don't assume stuff and then start connecting the assumption and drawing conclusions.

 

I do feel a little bad if he is embarrassed about acting jealous...I was thinking of maybe reach out tomorrow or the day after and just laying it all, since I don’t think he’s able.. Is the right move to just go a few days without speaking, give each other some space then see where we both at? Or wait for him to reach out considering?

 

Yes, give him a day or two to cool off and then try to clarify. His pride and ego are probably involved so be careful not to box him in. You have to give him a way to save face. He saw you with those coworkers and instantly made assumptions as well... he sounds a bit immature and/or unable to communicate. Give him the opportunity, but don't be surprised if he's not able to let it go. You didn't do anything wrong, so let him go easily if he can't see it as a simple misunderstanding.

[Michelle ma Belle]

If you had no intentions of asking him to be exclusive then why did you feel the need to have a conversation with him about this other guy who was texting you?

 

It sounds like YOU see this as something more or hoping for something more than he does and perhaps secretly hoped he would get a tad jealous knowing someone else was blowing up your phone.

 

On the flip side, he sounds a bit like someone who wants to have his cake and eat it too. Meaning, he wants all the perks of a relationship without actually having to put a label on it or conform himself. It's like he expects you to be committed to him and his needs while he runs around doing whatever and whoever he wants. That might explain his absence after seeing you with another guy. His ego seems a bit fragile if that's the case which isn't all the uncommon.

 

All that being said, if you're not in an exclusive relationship, all bets are off. You don't have to tell him sh*t just like he doesn't have to tell you sh*t. Unless you've had or plan to have a candid conversation regarding the rules to navigating this type of relationship, keep your options open and worry about doing YOU.

 

The fact that he was freaking out at just the thought of what you might have asked him says a lot about how he feels about you and whatever it is you're doing together.

 

I'd give him space...lots of space and just go about your life as always.

[PRW]

 

1. He immediately got uncomfortable and said “what do you need to ask me… it’s too soon”
   
2. the guys. He seemed really awkward and immediately told me he was leaving. Hours later in the early hours of the morning I get a text saying “ hope I didn’t cramp your night” I replied that I actually felt I was the one who did that to him since he left so quick, and he replied “ you were with a guy! I didn’t know what to do”
   
3. there of- he made it pretty clear to me that he wasn’t ready to be exclusive, yet felt it was appropriate to call me out when he ran into me with another guy without even knowing the background of who he was..!! I also feel a little disrespected that he never listened to what I had to say in the first place..but overall he is a nice guy so im really torn at what to do.
   
4. I wish he could have communicated that like an adult,
   

He's immature, insecure, and only looking out for himself. 3 months is plenty of time to have talked about exclusivity, yet he freaks out. He wants to get laid for free with you as much as he can without responsibility and seeing you with a guy upsets his little apple cart and is afraid the gravy train will stop.

 

I wish he could have communicated that like an adult

Yes,...this is the key to the whole post.

 

He was in a long term relationship for years and this is the first time he will be single for it

Who cares? Poor him.

 

At least he had one,...there's a lot of guys who haven't and wish they had. All this means is that he has had enough practice to "get it right".

[PRW]

His reaction to you and the coworker was a reflection of his immaturity....he doesn't want to date only you, but expects you to date only him.

Exactly. The coworker being their upset his little apple cart.

[smackie9]

It's not his heart that got hurt, it was his ego....learn to know the difference.

[olivetree]

I don't see him necessarily being upset/jealous about the coworker.

It really is just awkward to see someone you're dating on another date (I know you weren't on a date).

Or it may have just been awkward to see you since he may have been avoiding you and he just grabbed the fastest excuse.

 

I think he's not that into you if he doesn't want to make you his gf yet.

3 months is plenty of time, IMO.

[Flame Aura]

3 months too soon? If anything it's too long. Us guys really don't need that long to know if we want a serious relationship with a girl or not.

 

 

If after 3 months he think it's too soon it's because he wants to keep his options open until something better comes along and still wants to be able to sleep with you whenever he wants.

[kendahke]

I see no reason to go any further with him. He's not mature enough to have a conversation with you.

 

You haven't invested enough for this to be that hard--he's emotionally vacant and because of that, he's scared of his own shadow.

[Blanco]

Yeah, three months is plenty of time. At that point, you have a pretty good sense of the person they are, whether or not you're compatible, etc. It's too soon to be making grand plans or anything, but three months is a reasonable amount of time to have evaluated whether or not you want to pursue something exclusive with that person.

 

Anyone who balks at that is probably mildly committed at best.

[Redhead14]

There is an odd phenomenon that sometimes exists for men, most often, but sometimes women too . . . "I don't want him/her, but I don't want anyone else to have them either".

[Candygirl1414]

Thanks all for the replies. Appreciate the input.

 

He did reach out to me yesterday - texted me while he was at the same festival yesterday seeing a band we both like told me he was there and asked if I was as well ( I was not). We've been texting back and forth today but im still a little annoyed..He's told me in the past he feels like he always initiates texting and our plans but now that were talking again, considering both instances that happened over the weekend im not going to take the step to make any plans. If he wants to okay and then at least we can talk face to face honestly and if he doesn't might just send him a msg that it seems were on different pages and leave it at that Hopefully that's the right move!

[PegNosePete]

Hopefully that's the right move!

No that is not the right move at all. Did you even read any of the replies here?

[kendahke]

So, you're going to passively-aggressively punish him instead of owning your voice and speaking up for yourself? I mean it prompted you to post a thread about it, why not just tell him his previous response left you feeling cold and it's best you two don't deal with one another? Your plan is mean and punitive.

[Curiousroxy86]

the right move is to move on from this clown imo

[beentheredonethat77]

Candy, i agree that IS the right move... this guy isn't worth your time IMO. Hes just not emotionally mature enough to bother sitting down and having a discussion with.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Date other men! He has no right to get riled up about you dating others when he doesn't even want a relationship. I would forget about him altogether. People like that will come back once you move and will run in the other direction when they have pulled you in again.