spiderowl Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 (edited) Hi folks, I was wondering if you could offer me your wisdom? I am feeling pretty demoralised about what seems to be a recurring situation. Am I at fault here? 'Met' a guy online. He is a very intelligent guy, responsible job, has been a family man. He is divorced now. He lives far away but likes to travel. I had tried to put him off the idea of meeting because of the distance. I don't want to travel far and it is difficult to have a meaningful relationship if you barely see someone. Also, I hate that worry over where they are going to stay overnight - so many guys seem to expect me to put them up in my house when I hardly know them. Either they are naive or are completely misinterpreting the situation. Despite my trying to put him off, he persisted and wanted to travel to see me. Against my better judgement, I thought, well he seems genuine - maybe something could come of this. The guy seemed really nice and we exchanged a few messages. I was hoping he would get in touch again. He has a busy job but did keep in touch regularly but briefly. To cut a long story short, we got chatting online and ended up talking on the phone. He was keen to meet and I definitely liked the sound of him. In later texts, etc., we started discussing how he could visit my area for a weekend and meet up. I could show him round. He asked if he should get a hotel and I thought that best so that neither of us were under pressure. He seemed ok about that and can afford it. Bear in mind, I did not expect any of this or encourage him at first because of the distance and because I am fed up of the 'are you going to put me up at yours?' scenario with someone who is still essentially a stranger. It all looked good until we exchanged some messages. He was talking romantic stuff and about kissing and would I be giving him a long kiss. I started to feel pressured because I don't know how I will feel in person. I really don't know him that well but I find him attractive. I tried to tactfully get round the questions but he persisted. In the end, I said we needed to get to know each other first. Then he talks about how he would be making a long journey and that I don't seem to know how I feel about him. I have said I liked him and found him attractive. Now I am really feeling pressured. I have spoken to him once on the phone, we have exchanged a few messages, I do not feel I can promise anything physical at this stage. I am not looking for a casual encounter and I have said that to him before. All of a sudden, I find myself feeling pressured and pretty much back in the situation I was trying to avoid - of feeling I have to offer something because they have made the effort. I suddenly decided that's it, I can't do this, and I tell him maybe we should call it off. He asks why and I say, as tactfully as possible, that it is a first meeting even though he is travelling. I feel it is not fair to him to travel that far if he has expectations. So we left it there. Now I am a bit shaken I suppose and once again disappointed that a guy has pushed me like this before we've even met. Why does he feel he knows me well enough? I can understand that no-one will want to travel some distance without feeling there might be a good outcome, but expecting kisses? Am I missing something here? It just did not feel right to me for him to expect that. It looks like I will have to ditch online dating or at least specify only someone nearby (which will probably make it pointless anyway as all the interesting people seem to be further away). I can't cope with these stupid situations where I am expected to put up a complete stranger or promise him a kiss if he comes to meet me. What do you think? I don't think I'm being naive, I just feel they are switching around part-way through and putting me on the spot. Edited July 9, 2019 by spiderowl
schlumpy Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 I hope you don't mind me saying that I felt very proud of the way you handled the whole situation. He got his foot in door and you stomped down on it mighty hard. Yes, he seemed pleasant. Anyone can be pleasant and say the right things for a short period of time but the pressure he put you under told you who he was and what he expected. He sounds like he was very practiced but you didn't falter. I know that doesn't help right now as you eat popcorn and watch a late night movie alone but keep the faith. I believe there someone in world for everyone. You will find him or he will find you when you least expect it. Best Wishes 1
Author spiderowl Posted July 10, 2019 Author Posted July 10, 2019 Thank you Shlumpy. I really appreciate your comments and will sleep a bit better tonight. x
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 I understand you felt pressured but honestly guys are sexual beings and they will talk like they are going to get lucky lol. That does not mean you have to give it up when your not ready. Don’t feel bad about having boundaries but you want to communicate them at the right time because Honestly op I felt like you created a problem when there really was none...atleast yet. I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy felt so confused. If a guy asked if he is going to get a kiss be flirty and say “if you play your cards right” “if your lucky” “maybe” “if I like you enough”....so many options on how you could have responded without feeling like prematurely giving in. Guys will say things sometimes without thinking and in the moment. It doesn’t make them bad guys. You got to roll with it. And when they actually cross your boundary then you can put them in their place when there is cause. So for future reference I would just encourage you to not be so hard on a guy for being a little cheeky. I’m not saying you should tolerate full on perverted talk or dick pics lol. But if he his harmlessly flirting you want to respond in a way that’s flirty but still stick to your standards so that it would encourage him to still be attracted enough to come your way yet remain respectful. Good luck! 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 Oh and those clowns expecting you to let them stay over your place? They can kick rocks. A simple “no” is fine for them I too unapologetically don’t do long distance so I’m with you on that one 1
Springsummer Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 I think you did everything right. You dodged a bullet. I know...it's too hard to find someone right, if not impossible, so sometimes we doubt ourselves. 1
Timshel Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 You handled everything perfectly Spiderowl. Don't second guess your instinct. He sounds shady and it's smart you won't find out how shady he is. Keep on keepin' on....
Springsummer Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 I met an off guy a couple weeks ago as well. He wanted to go to his cottage with me on our first 'date'. went for a drink instead... and he wanted me to go to his condo after first date. Jesus...I wasn't as smart as you...I actually believed he won't do anything to me without my consent... but glad in the end just had a drink and nothing else happen. I just wasn't feeling it.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 I've gotten to know this type of guy online before. A decent guy would set everything up in a safe, respectful way. Anything less and a woman would be foolish to entertain it.
beentheredonethat77 Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 (edited) Ok so i can really relate to this as i often feel pressured .. Im a people pleaser by nature, so the idea of someone traveling all the way to see me makes me think i 'owe' them something. I agree with Curious that a little flirty banter is harmless and you can always respond with something light-hearted. If a guy asks me a question like that i said . 'lol.. look at you making the moves before the date, slow down cowboy, can we shake hands first?;-). or "at this point i know my UPS guy better than you.. so lets slow down tiger" --- All with smileys and joking elements to it. Ive also told guys 'i only go to first base on first dates... ' and when they say whats that.. i say 'a lovely hand shake' .. half joking, but also getting my point across. when they laugh and say "whaaaat" -- and i say "hey thats a lot, i dont know you from adam.. i dont know where your hands have been;-) ... etc that type of thing. BUT -- i will say, if i notice a guy doesn't take well to my comments and persist -- i see it as a red flag. My ex was great -- he said "listen, no pressure for anything.. i really just want to get to know you" -- (when he sensed i was uncomfortable). Your date may not have had such good EQ -- you have to allow for social awkwardness --- But you're right not to move your boundaries, even an inch in terms of what you're willing to do with him IMHO. Edited July 10, 2019 by beentheredonethat77 1
rightondude Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 (edited) I dunno, I just operate(d) at a totally different level than this dude. there's no way, unless it was explicitly stated during a chat before meeting someone that we'd get it on that I would expect that or encourage that to happen. Heck I even had a woman tell me she wanted it and I still took her out to dinner beforehand. Then we got back to her place and she bit my wiener. But that's another story. these dudes you are talking to are either a) used to getting it this easy or b) (more likely) total losers at this game and you are better off waiting for someone else. ** EDIT oh and big deal if these dudes have to travel. That's totally not your problem or responsibility to put out just because they're willing to make a drive. If you wouldn't accommodate that for someone local then big whoop if they have to drive or walk 500 miles. Edited July 10, 2019 by rightondude
Lotsgoingon Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 There's no way I would assume we are going to sleep together if I visited someone to meet them for the first time ... and I damn sure would not talk like my trip means you owe it to me. Lose thus guy big time. You handled this quite well ... feel great. You screened out a jerk. Anytime you feel pressure--that's a well-functioning alarm system going off. Pay attention. Stop right then and there. This guy is an idiot ... has no idea what you are really like, hasn't met you before ... all the talking and texting in the world doesn't predict chemistry and real-life connection. I'll just point out that you can hit the pause button a little earlier ... like this guy insisting on seeing you ... you hesitated ... experiment with heeding that hesitation. But you did great.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 I hope you don't mind me saying that I felt very proud of the way you handled the whole situation. He got his foot in door and you stomped down on it mighty hard. Yes, he seemed pleasant. Anyone can be pleasant and say the right things for a short period of time but the pressure he put you under told you who he was and what he expected. He sounds like he was very practiced but you didn't falter. I know that doesn't help right now as you eat popcorn and watch a late night movie alone but keep the faith. I believe there someone in world for everyone. You will find him or he will find you when you least expect it. Best Wishes Guys will act any which way to ease you into giving them sex. Had he not been looking for a casual encounter, he wouldn't talk about sexual things so early on. Think of it this way, even if you slept w/him, he would prob ghost you anyways. He would get what he wanted and you have felt cheated.
chillii Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 l mean asking you if your gonna give him a long kiss, apart from the rest , what sort of idiot asks something like that and at a time like that, man there's some desperados out there. Anyway yep l agree you did well.
Foxhall Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 Lol I was out with a group of lads one night and were talking about the online dating scene and arranging meet ups etc, they were stunned/flabbergasted when I said I am happy to travel 2 to 3 hours to meet a lady for a cup of coffee, the general consensus was ,no way, that type of a journey and there would have to be sex on the table, so look guys like me are in the minority but we are out there, I love meeting a lady for coffee and just talking, the whole long travel and having to stay overnight in the other city, Ive done this too been happy to pay for hotels and so on (dating is an expensive pursuit too lol) there was one lady we got on ok not brilliant, but after I had paid for hotels twice, she says fair was fair if we meet for a third time, I was welcome to stay at her house then, so that seems reasonable, not the first date but perhaps second or third be open to the guy staying.
Redhead14 Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 I am always suspicious of online "dates" who are willing to travel quite a distance to meet someone even if they say they are on the road alot, etc. Guys who travel often and are on dating sites usually have a girl in every port so to speak. They are often married or have girlfriends as well so having "road pieces" is good because they are less likely to be seen by people they know. If they are pressuring you for sex before you've even met, that's all they want while they are in that location and then you'll be the one or one of the girls they see whenever they come to that town.
lurker74 Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 There are a lot of generalizations being thrown around here...but that's because generalizations are often based on some level of truth. So here's another one...in most cases, a guy that is willing to meet an online person from far enough away that a hotel is needed is a serious red flag. Sure, there are times when that makes sense, and in my experience it's more common in Europe than in North America, but generally, it's a bad sign. It usually means that they are less capable of meeting, connecting, and growing a relationship with someone closer so they "go after" long distance people because it forces the relationship to move faster. You did the right thing, OP, because he was artificially creating the pressure to force the relationship to progress too fast for you.
Author spiderowl Posted July 10, 2019 Author Posted July 10, 2019 Thank you all so much for your encouraging comments. I was expecting to get criticism for being stuffy or something. It's great to hear that guys will go to some trouble and be respectful if they are genuinely interested. I guess the fact that he was getting less respectful means he didn't respect me in the first place It's also helpful to hear about alternative ways of responding, like with flirty comments that still mean you don't give way. I suppose I'm not naturally very flirty unless I feel really at ease with a guy and trust him - and that is usually well past the initial meeting stage. I was trying to fend him off in jokey ways but he kept pressuring and I suddenly resented feeling that pressure. If anyone has other thoughts on this, they would be most welcome. I am always learning. I have changed my profile to say no-one long distance. I just can't handle the stress of their assumptions. Guys always seem to assume because they know they are trustworthy, it is somehow obvious to a small woman miles away! It is probably naivety but what can you do other than avoid them?
Author spiderowl Posted July 10, 2019 Author Posted July 10, 2019 (edited) Thanks Redhead, I agree. I was suspicious because he was flattering (which I take with a pinch of salt anyway). I have no way of knowing if he is married or in a relationship. I usually ask people directly as most do not actually want to lie but prefer to be evasive instead. I did ask him and he said he was divorced and lived alone. Short of hiring a private tec, there is not much else I can do. It's a shame but I will have to rule guys out if they live far away. So fed up of the constant disappointment anyway, I might as well give up. I know I've turned down enough nice guys myself who did seem genuine and were probably hopeful and hurt in the end but I can't feel attraction if it is not there. Edited July 10, 2019 by spiderowl
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