reefy86 Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 Hey so this is killing my confidence a lot but how do i explain this without sounding like an idiot. Been single 10 months now after a harsh breakup which killed my self esteem, my first date which i will never forget because she was fully my type but i was a nervous wreck and it didn't go how i would of liked but we are still friends on facebook. Anyways the more dates ive been on the more confident i got but this is where I'm getting so confused. My friends and family tell me I'm good enough to be with someone really pretty but i don't think so and even though i get alot of matches from really stunning girls i bail out from dates or i don't ask them even though i can get their numbers. I am not a creep and have been bought up to be a gentlemen so i will never be full of myself. Now i have had a few dates where they look nothing like their pics and some have looked terrible like where they have made no effort to impress ect. "This is where i don't want to sound a complete idiot". I'm not the one to just ghost people so i always stick it out and still have a laugh but i still get the text saying sorry but your just not my type even though i wasn't into them and they looked a mess but everyone's entitled to who they like so that's all fine but this is now like 12 dates in a row and this is why i don't have the balls to meet someone pretty because if a 2 out of 10 doesn't like me how would a 10 out of 10 think? I'm really drained now and i just can't be bothered to do it anymore but i have no problems with photos and text and i definetly look like my photos lol. Anyone else suffer with this?
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 These twos probably felt your disdain even if you say you didn't convey it.
MINAKO Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 (edited) even though i get alot of matches from really stunning girls i bail out from dates or i don't ask them even though i can get their numbers. You cannot expect yourself to be confident if you do not give yourself a chance to try. Maybe set a day where you make yourself accept every date you are interested in and ask for the numbers. Also, you said you are not the one to ghost so you "stick it out" right, but that means you did not enjoy the date. Nobody "sticks it out" with someone if they genuinely liked them, you know? So, instead of people sticking it out with you because they did not like the date, they stop talking. I believe instead of sticking it out, you should let them know it was a fun time but they are not your type. The 'leave before you are left' thing. I can sort of relate because I myself am attractive and though often reminded, I still was not confident for a long time, and always settled for whatever I thought was good enough for me, even if I was not that attracted to them. Guess what? I finally end up meeting very beautiful people (beautiful to me, of course) that even now I cannot believe are into me, because some days I still struggle to see myself as how others see me. Likewise, especially with your upbringing, I am sure you will meet the right person if you give yourself a chance. Maybe someone who does not dress to impress looks at you like, "wow, this guy cares a lot about that, it could never work" - you know? Force yourself to get out there once in a while and do not limit yourself to people that are not your personal 10/10. Even if it did work out with someone you consider a 2/10, you would not be truly happy if that is how attractive you find them. So, take a chance. Edited July 9, 2019 by MINAKO
Foxhall Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 well if your on a date with someone and the first thing on your mind is she is a "2 out of 10", I think its fair to say your body language is showing this, women will read body language with a click of their fingers and a lack of enthusiasm is hard to hide, so you have to forget about the two out of ten, you have to start thinking she is a "six" at least and start getting some practice in, Personally I had a slump for about three years with women, and only recently have things taken an upswing, there are a lot of very nice ladies out there, just make an effort to talk to them, smile, have something to say and show enthusiasm for life and so on when you are doing this, 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 I can sort of relate because I myself am attractive and though often reminded, I still was not confident for a long time, and always settled for whatever I thought was good enough for me, even if I was not that attracted to them. Guess what? I finally end up meeting very beautiful people (beautiful to me, of course) that even now I cannot believe are into me. Yikes. This makes it sound like only beautiful people are worthy of the "not settling" label. I know some super amazing people (some who are even happily married/coupled up!) who are pretty unattractive. 1
MINAKO Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 Yikes. This makes it sound like only beautiful people are worthy of the "not settling" label. I know some super amazing people (some who are even happily married/coupled up!) who are pretty unattractive. Oh no, that is not what I meant. I mean like if I am genuinely not super attracted to someone, and physical attraction is important to me, then it is not right match for me if I do not feel that way. That is why I mention after, that I mean beautiful to me, as in, attractive to me, what I am really into. For example, someone I really like who I think is amazing right now, my friend believes looks gay in his appearance. Does not matter to me though, because to me he is very beautiful. Hopefully this clears it up.
Inspire Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 Just a thought and throwing this out there, but are you selecting matches mostly based on what they look like? Read their profiles, talk to them before the date, get a feel about what they're all about. There was a lot of people I would be initially excited about, but after talking a few times I just got the impression we might not be a good fit so I just moved on before ever having to go on a date and figure out what I already knew. You could also take some time off from dating and you'll find that when you come back to it again in the future that your approach and perspective might be different. 1
shydad Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 ...if a 2 out of 10 doesn't like me how would a 10 out of 10 think? Hi reefy86, it's a mistake to make assumptions about a person's confidence and interest in you based on how you rate their appearance. 2
bluesfan Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 Hey so this is killing my confidence a lot but how do i explain this without sounding like an idiot. Been single 10 months now after a harsh breakup which killed my self esteem, my first date which i will never forget because she was fully my type but i was a nervous wreck and it didn't go how i would of liked but we are still friends on facebook. Anyways the more dates ive been on the more confident i got but this is where I'm getting so confused. My friends and family tell me I'm good enough to be with someone really pretty but i don't think so and even though i get alot of matches from really stunning girls i bail out from dates or i don't ask them even though i can get their numbers. I am not a creep and have been bought up to be a gentlemen so i will never be full of myself. Now i have had a few dates where they look nothing like their pics and some have looked terrible like where they have made no effort to impress ect. "This is where i don't want to sound a complete idiot". I'm not the one to just ghost people so i always stick it out and still have a laugh but i still get the text saying sorry but your just not my type even though i wasn't into them and they looked a mess but everyone's entitled to who they like so that's all fine but this is now like 12 dates in a row and this is why i don't have the balls to meet someone pretty because if a 2 out of 10 doesn't like me how would a 10 out of 10 think? I'm really drained now and i just can't be bothered to do it anymore but i have no problems with photos and text and i definetly look like my photos lol. Anyone else suffer with this? Well, online dating, texting pics, etc. you should never expect them to look like their pics. Depending on age some of them are older pics and also lighting, angles, and other factors make your face and body look much better digitally versus in person. Just like the news people look much better on TV. If you're meeting someone who looks like an 8 to you then when you meet them in person expect them to look like a 6. That is just a reality. I'm 35 and when I message someone my age range I fully know they will probably look older in person and a couple points lower and probably a bit heavier too. Weight is another thing, especially with women they try to look more slim than in reality. Most of the women's faces on those sites who look like 7 and above wont be that in person. There are several threads on here about this stuff. I'm 35, slim, look too young for my age. When I take selfies for profiles with my high end phone with high end camera (Note 9) it makes my face look a lot better as well and makes me look way too young for my age because it doesn't show fine lines, acne scars and such. I mean, I don't shave now when I take photos hoping it makes me look a bit older and someone would take me more seriously then so I don't look like a kid and look more manly. I'm confused, but you said 12 dates in a row? How many people have you messaged via online dating since the breakup? Lets say you messaged 150 people and got 12 people to go out on real dates with you. You're doing really outstanding actually according to the "experts" who say the typical response rate to just messages is 2-5 percent for guys with "strong" profiles. You're doing well so there is something women are really liking about you a lot that's getting you the dates. I see nothing wrong with your online dating. You seem to be excelling quite well and most guys would kill to get your response rate if that is the case. My problem is when I talk online others say I say too much and it turns people off and I get ghosted. Like I don't live in the best of regions and there seriously isn't high amounts of decent single women on the sites. I see the same people day after day but I am getting more replies lately though online. The problem is I get too chatty in my messages then they ghost me or at least that is what people are telling me my problem is I give out too much info after I get into a conversation. Or in some cases I'm just too picky and I don't ask them for their number and they move on. I ghosted one who wanted to go out because I didn't feel like driving 30 miles and she was only 5 foot but was really hot though. You're doing very well. If you're getting all these dates you just need to improve on your talking skills when on dates and maybe try not to be so nervous. I wish women would understand it's normal for us guys to be nervous on first dates and even when approaching a woman who's attractive too. It's human nature. And as I said just don't get all excited about looks on online dating and expectations because they will not look as good a person. Same way for us guys overestimate ourselves too. It;s normal.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 Hi reefy86, it's a mistake to make assumptions about a person's confidence and interest in you based on how you rate their appearance. Could not agree more. A statement like that is actually very insulting.
rightondude Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 flip the script brother and just think of how a woman would act around you if she was just "sticking it out" during your time together. She probably wouldn't act like someone you'd want to have a second date with. That's probably the vibe you are giving off. So if I were you I would hold out until you chat with a woman you actually want to go on a date with.
Author reefy86 Posted July 10, 2019 Author Posted July 10, 2019 Thanks for your input guy's.... Well yeah it can come across rude to make assumptions about one's appearances but I'll give you a quick overview to why i am like that. 10 years i was with my ex and we had 2 kids together but she became very lazy and piled on alot of weight but i loved her a lot and i wouldn't let it put me of her as that's just cruel but she bloody cheated on me anyway so 5 years where i was unhappy was a waste. We are friends now and I'm really happy she has found someone who loves every inch of her and i feel really bad that i couldn't just be like that. I am not against big people and some are really gorgues so please don't see me as a dick saying it like that Yes at first i was a little choosy on looks due to history but i learned by a girl i was seeing for 2 months that personality can make you look a lot more attractive but she was young and started to show it so it didn't work out. As for photos i always look for natural ones or i nosey through their facebook lol. I don't like to call someone a 2 out of 10 but i really did get her to come out her shell and she laughed a lot and she said she's starting to feel comfortable. Even if i don't find soneone attractive doesn't mean i can't still be friends and i like making people feel comfortable. But i got rejected regardless lol. The one that lasted 2 months wasn't through online dating though just to point out. Thanks again for your input guys
MINAKO Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 You absolutely do not need to feel bad for not being attracted to someone bigger. Someone on another thread just mention how he would not consider dating someone overweight - it is just personal preference. You can of course be friends with people you are not physically attracted to, but as that attraction is important in a relationship, it just may take a good amount of time to meet someone who you feels sparks with, that is all. Best of luck!
bluesfan Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 I don't want a woman who weighs over 125 lbs. I know in modern times in the western world that is very hard to find with everyone getting heavier. I want them to be 115 lbs like a moranbong girl with slim legs lol.
MINAKO Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 I don't want a woman who weighs over 125 lbs. I know in modern times in the western world that is very hard to find with everyone getting heavier. I want them to be 115 lbs like a moranbong girl with slim legs lol. Wow that is pretty specific, but yes in the end we want what we want, it is not exactly a conscious decision we make. For me, I do not think I could be into a guy with no proper style - I like it when they really care. To each their own
bluesfan Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 Wow that is pretty specific, but yes in the end we want what we want, it is not exactly a conscious decision we make. For me, I do not think I could be into a guy with no proper style - I like it when they really care. To each their own That, and also I hate now how some women want to have a lot of muscle like men and post pics of it. I want a slim woman who's in good shape but not with all this muscle. I like a woman who looks and acts like a woman.
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