Dating someone with a history of sexual assault

July 9, 2019

Ok so I have been dating this one woman who is a couple of years younger than me for 3 months whom I have really developed strong feelings for. She is one of the most beautiful, talented, creative, and ambitious people I have ever met and I always feel at ease being around her. With few exceptions I have been in contact with her every day via text with occasional meet ups (but no where near as frequent as I would like....once every 2-3 weeks).

Our first few dates went very nicely and we have been intimate on most of them (but have not had sex to this point). I at first thought she was just shy and liked to take things slow....that was until she was in the midst of an emotional breakdown and opened up to me one day that she was raped about a year ago (and has not had sex with anyone since). She seems to be suffering from frequent bouts of PTSD and goes through severe bouts of depression (some that really worry me because she often alludes to self harm).

I care about her so much and it is really hard seeing her like this, especially when it makes her not available to me. I know that I must mean something to her as I know she has told almost no one (not even her immediate family) about what happened to her. However, she did say to me a while back that she is hesitant to have a committed relationship with anyone at the moment while dealing with the feelings she has (which is exactly what I want with her). On the one hand I am worried that I am wasting my time considering that I really don't know if she will ever be ready to fully trust someone and enter a committed relationship again. On the other hand I feel myself slowly falling in love with her and am more than willing to love her for all that she is so long as it is something she is open to.

I am also more than willing to wait as long as it takes for her to feel open to a long term relationship, but I have no way of knowing at the moment when or if this will ever happen considering how hard it is to communicate openly with her about this subject. I have dated a lot of woman in my life but this really has me confessed on how to proceed and what to do. Does anyone know what I should do? Also, am I seeing this person too infrequently? I mean she is working full time (as do I), takes classes, and has a lot to deal with emotionally so I try not to push too hard but is this relationship doomed to go nowhere at this rate of physical interaction? Any input would be extremely helpful to me and super appreciated!

Edited July 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

July 9, 2019

I was sexually assaulted (not raped I fought him off)...that was almost 30 years ago. If someone comes up behind me and grabs me, it takes me back right that moment I was attacked.

I hate to say this but she is not datable, not at this time in her life. She has a long long road ahead of her to recover from this. Sorry but there is nothing you can do or say to make this easier for her.

July 9, 2019

Do yourself and subsequently, her a favour and end your association with her after you suggest to her that she get the therapy she clearly needs to help her get over her assault. You can't fix her and as Smackie noted, she isn't in the right mindset to be dating anyone.

It is really concerning that she hasn't told anyone about what happened to her particularly not her family. Why wouldn't she tell her folks who would have likely helped her get the professional help she needs.

Anyway, look after your own emotional well being and distance yourself with or without giving her advice to seek professional therapy to help her get past what happened to her.

July 9, 2019

Personally I would not walk away from her, Id be happy to take things very slowly (provided there was good connection otherwise emotionally and so on)

In time once she comes to trust you it may work out,

I assume you like her and enjoy her company and so on, if it was me I would give it a year or so anyway and see how it develops,

I suppose I am someone who relates to an underdog though and believe would be there for the long haul if I liked the person enough,

so have a think about it and decide are you prepared for the long haul.

July 9, 2019

Personally I would not walk away from her, Id be happy to take things very slowly (provided there was good connection otherwise emotionally and so on)

In time once she comes to trust you it may work out,

I assume you like her and enjoy her company and so on, if it was me I would give it a year or so anyway and see how it develops,

I suppose I am someone who relates to an underdog though and believe would be there for the long haul if I liked the person enough,

so have a think about it and decide are you prepared for the long haul.

I know, and I am willing to do this for her and be in it for the long haul. Though this is the answer I am looking for, I do get with the prior two posters are saying (I am starting a psychiatry medical residency next year and know just how long the road to recovery is for this). I really do love her, but I am just not sure if my total infatuation with her is clouding my judgement/reason on this scenario.

July 9, 2019

At this point in time, there's really nothing you can do. A girl (woman now) I went to middle school with that I briefly reconnected with also had a history of sexual assault and had been raped and she told me. I was at a loss on what to do, but I did everything I felt I could do. As a result, she told me that she didn't know if she'd ever get into a relationship again. But as already noted, she isn't datable at this point in her life, but that doesn't mean you have to pull back, either. You can be in her corner as a friend and date other people for the time being and see how it goes. But it's going to take some serious time.

July 9, 2019

I agree with Outlaw. Certainly, whatever you do, don't tell her you can't date her because she's been raped. Or don't tell her that she shouldn't be dating. You can't decide this for her.

I hope she's getting help for her assault. It is very, very possible to heal from this. Just look at Elizabeth Smart!

July 9, 2019

With the way you feel about her, l'd certainly try to give it more time for awhile , see how it goes.

You might get hurt in having to quit later on if she just can't cope , but you'd be well aware of that gamble so up to you whether you wanna try and take that risk in yourself.

l'd imagine it could be a year, maybe even 2 or 3, and even then she'll probably still have things so l suppose that's another thing you'd have to think about too.

Anyway , good luck in whatever you decide.

July 9, 2019

You have only dated her three months in which you have barely seen her. Don't let your infatuation of her make you fall into White Knight Syndrome of codependence. You can't fix her and if you stay with her now, you will be enabling her not to have to get the help she needs to get.

Don't keep this going until you shred her when you discover later on that you can't keep up your caretaking (which of course is the codependent and dysfunctional opposite of caregiving.)

You are a psychology student and your education and your gut are telling you to leave (that is why this thread exists because if you were ok with it and knew it to be healthy, you would just carry on with her). Listen to your gut and experience through your education.

JMNSHO

July 9, 2019

You have only dated her three months in which you have barely seen her. Don't let your infatuation of her make you fall into White Knight Syndrome of codependence. You can't fix her and if you stay with her now, you will be enabling her not to have to get the help she needs to get.

Don't keep this going until you shred her when you discover later on that you can't keep up your caretaking (which of course is the codependent and dysfunctional opposite of caregiving.)

You are a psychology student and your education and your gut are telling you to leave (that is why this thread exists because if you were ok with it and knew it to be healthy, you would just carry on with her). Listen to your gut and experience through your education.

JMNSHO

I think you may be right. I know my medical knowledge tells me that this relationship is almost certainly doomed to fail (at least until she gets the help she needs). It just really hurts because I saw so much potential for us. I should mention though that I have lightly suggested that she go to see a therapist for help and she said that it is none of their business.

Edited July 9, 2019 by Nevada 23

July 10, 2019

Well, you are the one to decide what you're going to do but I would never date someone who didn't get help for something that is clearly holding them back from enjoying their life to its full potential.

she was in the midst of an emotional breakdown and opened up to me one day that she was raped about a year ago (and has not had sex with anyone since). She seems to be suffering from frequent bouts of PTSD and goes through severe bouts of depression (some that really worry me because she often alludes to self harm).

Do you think she self harmed prior to the rape?

I think the odds are high and wouldn't be surprised if she was depressed prior to as well. You don't even really know her.

You've only been dating her for three months and I think you could count on your hand the number of times you've only seen her so it would be easier to call it off now then it will be when you have both gotten more attached.

Cheers!

Edited July 10, 2019 by Beendaredonedat
Added

July 10, 2019

I think FoxHall has the right idea. Continue dating as is and let her set the pace. Since you are not exclusive you can date others so you don't become so focused just on her.

The chance of you making a go with this girl is low but that doesn't mean you shouldn't give it a shot. Just make sure you have a fallback position so she doesn't cripple you for six months when she leaves.

Best Wishes

July 10, 2019

Well, you are the one to decide what you're going to do but I would never date someone who didn't get help for something that is clearly holding them back from enjoying their life to its full potential.

Do you think she self harmed prior to the rape?
I think the odds are high and wouldn't be surprised if she was depressed prior to as well. You don't even really know her.

You've only been dating her for three months and I think you could count on your hand the number of times you've only seen her so it would be easier to call it off now then it will be when you have both gotten more attached.

Cheers!

I can't say if she self-harmed prior to the rape. My guess would be no, but as you could probably guess, this is an extremely sensitive topic to talk about with her and I don't want to say anything or ask questions that could reopen any wounds. Self harm was actually the wrong term. She was blatantly talking about suicide on one of my more recent encounters with her. It frightened me so much I almost called a crisis center for her after going home. It is as if anything I do or don't do could have negative consequences for her and that is one of the reasons that this is so confusing for me. As much as I would like a relationship with her, I do want whatever is best for her well-being. Are you saying that seeing me could be a potentially negative influence on her life that prevents her from getting help?

July 10, 2019

If after only being on a few dates with you she had an "emotional breakdown" and started talking to you about all of this, then yes I think you being her "therapist" will stop her from actually getting the help she needs.

Now you're telling us that she threatened suicide. Do you really think getting in deeper with her is what is right for you? You can't save or fix her so I say do yourself a favor and don't try and be her White Knight (syndrome)

Maybe you ought to talk to some of the psychologist contacts about this? Do you know any where you are studying?

July 10, 2019

If after only being on a few dates with you she had an "emotional breakdown" and started talking to you about all of this, then yes I think you being her "therapist" will stop her from actually getting the help she needs.

Now you're telling us that she threatened suicide. Do you really think getting in deeper with her is what is right for you? You can't save or fix her so I say do yourself a favor and don't try and be her White Knight (syndrome)

Maybe you ought to talk to some of the psychologist contacts about this? Do you know any where you are studying?

Well I am a medical student so there are a lot of psychiatrists I know who are well versed on this. And to be fair, I am not trying to be a "White Knight" to her (I see you are well read on psychology since you've used this term several times). I felt the way I do about her well before I had any idea of what she was going through. To suggest I fit this description would imply that I was only initially interested in her BECAUSE she had this history and felt a need to help/fix her. This could not be farther from the truth. I just saw us as having a lot in common and was trying to inquire if there was anything I could to do to salvage what I thought was a really special connection. Am I really so at fault for wanting that?

July 10, 2019

If you think you truly care for her I'd be a detached friend (non-sexual acting) until she felt comfortable initiating that. She is going to have to rebuild trust and that could take awhile if never.

July 10, 2019

If you think you truly care for her I'd be a detached friend (non-sexual acting) until she felt comfortable initiating that. She is going to have to rebuild trust and that could take awhile if never.

This possibility has crossed my mind. Even if a relationship is not something obtainable right not with her, she is still someone I want to keep in my life in case there comes a time when it is possible. Something I was thinking about last night. Is it at possible she only want me in her life due to my medical experience/knowledge?

July 10, 2019

Very astute.

She probably sees you, as she is likely incapable of anything more for the duration, as a platonic friend and source of support.

Do not expect anything more from her.

Edited July 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed rude comment

July 10, 2019

I feel like you are way overthinking this, and the advice to write her off completely is off-base too. Random folks on the internet can't decide whether someone is or isn't ready to date again. Real connections are rare. If you're truly interested in her and care enough that you're willing to take it slow, don't drop her. Go slowly. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But don't abandon someone who you feel invested in just because she has a difficult past.

July 10, 2019

I agree with others that until she gets some professional help (as you say she has told no one about it so therefore has been dealing with it alone) she cannot be dating or enter any relationships until she has learned to process her ordeal. Don't abandon her though. Only one poster has suggested this but it's going to make her feel worse and cause her further inner conflict. You can support her as a friend for now. You can help by pointing her in the right direction but it's not your job to fix her. You need to be straight with her that before you can both even think about a relationship, she needs to seek some therapy to help her come to terms with what happened to her. But reassure her that you will be there for her if she wants you to be (if that's what you want).

Edited July 10, 2019 by Maddie82

July 10, 2019

I agree with others that until she gets some professional help (as you say she has told no one about it so therefore has been dealing with it alone) she cannot be dating or enter any relationships until she has learned to process her ordeal. Don't abandon her though. Only one poster has suggested this but it's going to make her feel worse and cause her further inner conflict. You can support her as a friend for now. You can help by pointing her in the right direction but it's not your job to fix her. You need to be straight with her that before you can both even think about a relationship, she needs to seek some therapy to help her come to terms with what happened to her. But reassure her that you will be there for her if she wants you to be (if that's what you want).

I honestly have no idea how she really feels about me since she is very hesitant to express her emotions in this way. But I still feel like there is a strong possibility that if I say this to her the next time I see her, she might not take it well. She was not receptive at all to the idea of getting therapy the last time I brought it up

July 10, 2019

Maybe she expects you to drop it, and act like nothing has happened. Try and take that route....ignore what she told you.

July 10, 2019

Maybe she expects you to drop it, and act like nothing has happened. Try and take that route....ignore what she told you.

That’s what I’ve been doing so far. She’s been feeling better lately so the last thing I want to do is reopen the topic on my own.

July 10, 2019

I will take a chance on offending you (which is not my intention) and suggesting that you may very well have white knight syndrome/codependency issues if you continue on with someone who clearly shouldn't even be dating when she is to the point of attempting suicide and breaking down in front of a man she barely knows and has only been on a few dates with.

Anyone with a good sense of boundaries in place and with love of self would not continue on with someone as troubled as she is when they've only known her for three or so dates. She's shown you her current emotional/mental state. Does she sound like a good emotional investment to you?

I honestly have no idea how she really feels about me since she is very hesitant to express her emotions in this way. But I still feel like there is a strong possibility that if I say this to her the next time I see her, she might not take it well. She was not receptive at all to the idea of getting therapy the last time I brought it up

So are you going to let her hold you hostage to her because you're now afraid that she won't take things well, maybe try to kill herself yet again so instead of leaving and looking after your own emotional health you'll stick to her and caretake her through life as you walk on more and more eggshells around her?

Anyway, You know my opinion and advice on this so I'll leave you to your thread and your decision, which of course is yours to make.

Good luck.

Edited July 10, 2019 by Beendaredonedat

July 11, 2019

I will take a chance on offending you (which is not my intention) and suggesting that you may very well have white knight syndrome/codependency issues if you continue on with someone who clearly shouldn't even be dating when she is to the point of attempting suicide and breaking down in front of a man she barely knows and has only been on a few dates with.

Anyone with a good sense of boundaries in place and with love of self would not continue on with someone as troubled as she is when they've only known her for three or so dates. She's shown you her current emotional/mental state. Does she sound like a good emotional investment to you?

So are you going to let her hold you hostage to her because you're now afraid that she won't take things well, maybe try to kill herself yet again so instead of leaving and looking after your own emotional health you'll stick to her and caretake her through life as you walk on more and more eggshells around her?

Anyway, You know my opinion and advice on this so I'll leave you to your thread and your decision, which of course is yours to make.

Good luck.

I really do get what you are trying to say. I'm not offended by what is very possibly the truth. It's just that I've never felt like this towards anyone since my last long term gf and think we could have real potential for each other if there was anything that could be done to allow her to get past/recover from this. I by no means expect or intend to do anything to try and directly "fix" it myself, but it can't be that every woman who has been a victim of sexual assault is forever doomed to a life of solidarity and loneliness. You are correct that I fundamentally know what I should do. But I guess this is one of those "head says no, heart says yes" situations. To answer your question, no this doesn't seem like a good emotional investment by any means with things they way they are right now, and it could result in me getting very very hurt if it continues the way it currently is. Maybe I'll continue dating others while maintaining a platonic relationship with her for the time being and see if anything changes in time. Would that be a reasonable way to handle this in your opinion?

Also something else I am curious about which hasn't been addressed by anyone. Say by some chance she does fully recover emotionally/psychologically. Do you think she will always have trust/intimacy issues? I know that the literature on this topic sometimes suggests this but would love a second opinion on it from anyone with personal experiences on having a relationship with someone in a similar situation.

Edited July 11, 2019 by Nevada 23

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Dating someone with a history of sexual assault

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