Versacehottie Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 @versacehottie I would have been ok to take it slow if he needed that, I think people are hesitant to agree to slow because the other person can rarely keep it like that and it's hard to manage the pressure of being the one who is forcing the slow. TBH, probably also to be the other person who has to hold back and somewhat walk on eggshells for fear of being too much. It upsets the normal balance and equal power IMO. You'd be better off IMO to just let the person go off on their own and come back when and if they are ready and see if you are available.
Versacehottie Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 That‘s when he told me he broke up with her because she wasn’t investing and that he had to make the decision because he was doing it for some time but had to think about if it‘s what he wants, so he ended it. Seemed as if the relationship was a bit one sided in regards of appreciation. It's in ironic how that's essentially how it would be if you dated him right now when his heart isn't really open. It would be one-sided with you doing most of the investing. That's one reason why you just need to listen to what he said for his reasons. 1
Versacehottie Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 I also agree with Inspire. People who are not ready for dating don't behave like normal dating people or their normal selves 100%. Usually lots of hot and cold. Due respect bc I don't agree with if he was a good guy and into you at all, he would be with you and do anything (someone said something similar above). Timing is important and people need to want or be open for a relationship. Or open enough. There are too many variables going on here to know exactly what is going on in the dynamic but fairy tales like this (if he liked me he'd move mountains, and conversely that you should get hung up on a guy) are exactly what get people in trouble. Life is rarely a tug of war between absolutes. It's usually in the grey zone. 2
Author Plantcake Posted July 9, 2019 Author Posted July 9, 2019 (edited) I also agree with Inspire. People who are not ready for dating don't behave like normal dating people or their normal selves 100%. Usually lots of hot and cold. Due respect bc I don't agree with if he was a good guy and into you at all, he would be with you and do anything (someone said something similar above). Timing is important and people need to want or be open for a relationship. Or open enough. There are too many variables going on here to know exactly what is going on in the dynamic but fairy tales like this (if he liked me he'd move mountains, and conversely that you should get hung up on a guy) are exactly what get people in trouble. Life is rarely a tug of war between absolutes. It's usually in the grey zone. Thank you. These comments make me feel as if I was stupid and just imagined how great our attraction and everything was. Yes he was definitely very hot (literally lol) and then suddenly cold, I guess if you still have someone else in the back of your mind then you can’t give your 100%. I was also still thinking about an ex from time to time before I met him, but it‘s been a lot longer for me, seems in his case it‘s only been 2-3 months. I don’t know how serious he was with her but seems he was very and he was with her one year so nothing that is forgotten within this short time. I guess on some level he realized he deserves better but can’t change his feelings. I told him feelings are complicated sometimes and that I understand him and he agreed and said he doesn’t know why it‘s hard for him to let go. Edited July 9, 2019 by Plantcake 1
Author Plantcake Posted July 9, 2019 Author Posted July 9, 2019 It's in ironic how that's essentially how it would be if you dated him right now when his heart isn't really open. It would be one-sided with you doing most of the investing. That's one reason why you just need to listen to what he said for his reasons. Yeah definitely ironic. It would have been that I guess. I respect his reasons and I also decided against asking him out again in a few weeks. If he then is still single and open he knows where to find me. We didn’t ended on a bad note aswell. It was all very understanding and respectful and still positive so the lines for communication would be open. Maybe he needs another shot with this ex to see he deserves something mutual, maybe there’s still something to learn for him. Maybe not, we will see.
Author Plantcake Posted July 9, 2019 Author Posted July 9, 2019 I think people are hesitant to agree to slow because the other person can rarely keep it like that and it's hard to manage the pressure of being the one who is forcing the slow. TBH, probably also to be the other person who has to hold back and somewhat walk on eggshells for fear of being too much. It upsets the normal balance and equal power IMO. You'd be better off IMO to just let the person go off on their own and come back when and if they are ready and see if you are available. Your right. Taking it slow usually really makes the dynamic weird because you feel like holding back or not getting enough. It‘s true. It‘s better that way to just respect and let go and see if he maybe shows up again on his own.
Versacehottie Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 Nah, don't feel like that. Sounds like he is a hurt guy who is trying to fill a void and got excited prematurely. Don't take it too personally. Just try to learn from it without bringing yourself down. Even when you have chemistry with someone things at the beginning can fail to take off for so many reasons. The things people see in movies etc or other people's absolute type beliefs can be misleading. Not to say they are completely irrelevant because as your own best advocate the advice of "if he wanted to be with you, he would" stands whether you see things in black and white or shades of grey. It's more the underlying belief system that will hurt you and mess you up for future interactions or getting hung up on this guy when believing the abolsute version leads you to believe something is wrong with you or you didn't do enough. I think the advice is well-meaning even if it doesn't apply to every situation. You have to learn how to interpret it for your situation and what you know of this guy and yourself. You know you are worthy. You know you guys had chemistry & fun. I doubt he would go to the trouble to explain to you what was going on if he was just using you. Then fall back on the stats that even good dates sometimes don't lead to a relationship. And that timing is important. I don't want you to hang onto this but I know of many situations where the guy came back after he'd processed things with an ex and now dates the "new" person. But you CANNOT hold onto that. Just take the information that it isn't necessarily the person but the timing often. A girl I know the guy came back a year after a handful of dates where he broke it off with her to try to work things out with his ex that he was not over. He needed to do that in order for them to have a good relationship which they now do. She happened to be available when he came back. Again, you cannot hold onto this tale (because essentially it is that as well), vs living your OWN life. This is the most attractive thing and you want anyone to be drawn to you at any point because you put yourself first. Try to minimize any reason people have for not wanting to date you, i.e. you have your own life, etc. I could go on and on but hopefully you get the picture.
Author Plantcake Posted July 9, 2019 Author Posted July 9, 2019 I agree Inspire, thus the saying "fake it until you make it". I've done this too; pretending I was happy with someone while thinking of someone else. OP, wanting to take it slow means not having sex right away but to wait until you develop an emotional connection. I think your having sex so early with this guy made you bond to him and that is why it's so hard for you to let go. Sex makes some women attach too quickly. Yeah, I mean it‘s a big chance that after having sex with me he realized he was faking moving on. Because I was the first girl he got so close with after his break up. I know, I didn’t wanted to take it slow, guess it just felt as there was a emotional connection very quickly because it clicked from moment one and we had very long 8-13 hour dates instead of a short coffee date, because it just clicked. So yeah that was there but I get what you mean, if we would have waited longer then I probably would have find out he‘s still hung up on someone a little later without already having these bonding sex emotions. But at least we had good sex!
Author Plantcake Posted July 9, 2019 Author Posted July 9, 2019 (edited) I don't want you to hang onto this but I know of many situations where the guy came back after he'd processed things with an ex and now dates the "new" person. But you CANNOT hold onto that. Just take the information that it isn't necessarily the person but the timing often. A girl I know the guy came back a year after a handful of dates where he broke it off with her to try to work things out with his ex that he was not over. He needed to do that in order for them to have a good relationship which they now do. She happened to be available when he came back. Again, you cannot hold onto this tale (because essentially it is that as well), vs living your OWN life. This is the most attractive thing and you want anyone to be drawn to you at any point because you put yourself first. Try to minimize any reason people have for not wanting to date you, i.e. you have your own life, etc. I could go on and on but hopefully you get the picture. Yes I mean people deep down really only mean well. They just want to say you deserve someone who sees you as first best from the beginning and that’s true everybody deserves this. But as you said it‘s not always black and white and he seemed to be aware of that aswell, as he said it wouldn’t be fair to me to continue without me knowing that. So I guess I can see a good character trait here because other guys may have just continued and use it for validation and sex for months and he didn’t. Thanks I will take your information that sometimes it‘s bad timeing, I like the story that the guy came back just after a handful of dates shows that it really wasn’t about her but about not being ready. it kinda gives me a hope that it could happen in this case aswell. But as you said I cannot hold on to this too much, more like a well would be nice if my situation would turn out like this aswell. But not holding on because I don’t know if that happens and where I am then. I had some gut feeling about what you just said, that he maybe needs another try to work it out with her because it‘s still so present on his mind to see if it really can’t work out. Maybe then it will work out, maybe it won’t and he will come back. Maybe he just moves on on his own. I don’t know that but I wish it could turn around but won’t sit around waiting for it to happen! Edited July 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited
Inspire Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 I also agree with Inspire. People who are not ready for dating don't behave like normal dating people or their normal selves 100%. Usually lots of hot and cold. Due respect bc I don't agree with if he was a good guy and into you at all, he would be with you and do anything (someone said something similar above). Timing is important and people need to want or be open for a relationship. Or open enough. There are too many variables going on here to know exactly what is going on in the dynamic but fairy tales like this (if he liked me he'd move mountains, and conversely that you should get hung up on a guy) are exactly what get people in trouble. Life is rarely a tug of war between absolutes. It's usually in the grey zone. I agree 100%. Timing is everything. For some, getting back out into the dating world is about rebuilding confidence. For others, it might be to fill a void left by their previous partner. Some dare to do it to make their ex jealous. Many I'd argue, think they're ready to date with an open heart long before that is even possible. In the end, they're only fooling themselves. 1
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