He wasn’t over his ex?

[stillafool]

Also, the fact that he broke up with his ex because he felt like he she wasn't investing enough could have been a ploy to make her change. Maybe it didn't work and he's back to missing her and trying to get her back. He's stuck on her.

[Plantcake]

The truth is: If he was feeling the way you are about your dates and sex he wouldn't be ending it with you so quickly. I'm guilty of thinking a man felt the same for me as I did for him and I was wrong. I thought how could I feel this way and he not when my feelings are so strong. I know how you feel but you will look desperate as if you can't take no for the answer. You have to move on he has made it clear what he doesn't feel by his absence and his words.

 

But I can’t believe that because he even told me. He told me that he had fun, that it‘s so rare that he can talk like this to someone and that it almost scared him. He also made me compliments about my looks, that he thinks I am smart and great and that he honestly likes me and that it was good for him to meet me. And I don’t think he lied. He also enjoyed the sex as he expressed his desire when we had sex and afterwards. So he lied with all of that..? I honestly thought he was honest and it is because he isn’t ready and was very understanding with him

[Plantcake]

OP, look, you can go over the reasons again and again in your mind. Over-analyzing doesn't help you since none of us - nor you - can read his mind. What does knowing the exact reason really change for you?

 

It doesn't change the bottom line, which is that he is not interested in continuing to date you. His silence is speaking loudly enough.

 

Reach out to him again if you like, but I wouldn't advise it. I don't think you're going to like where it leads you.

 

I don’t know.. I feel like knowing the exact reason always makes me feel better, I don’t know why and I know that I won’t get the exact reasons as to when he realized he can’t do it. Reaching out to him would be wrong I know and I don’t know why I want to do it because it‘s a stupid idea, so I won’t do it.

[kendahke]

But I can’t believe that because he even told me.

 

get unstuck from the notion that one is mutually exclusive from the other when they aren't. He can feel all of those things and still be conflicted and not ready to move forward with you because he's not done with the ex.

 

I think that the ease with which he got on with you was completely unexpected and because it was unexpected, it dislodged his unresolved feelings for his ex that clearly he isn't done processing... and instead of dragging you along for the painful ride of him coming to the conclusion that he's not emotionally done with his ex, he's pulling over to the side, opening the door and letting you get out (a.k.a. having enough regard for your esteem to not insult your intelligence or treat you badly) as opposed to pushing you out of a moving car, which is what most unenlightened guys would do.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don’t know.. I feel like knowing the exact reason always makes me feel better

 

Would it really make you feel better to know he likes his ex more than you? Or that he's decided to try again with her? Or, heck, that he's totally full of malarkey and is actually seeing someone else completely? I think you ego is searching for some soothing from him, but it's a big risk to try to pry more out of him than he's already told you.

 

I know it hurts to feel rejected. It's hard to accept. But I also think you might have this guy on a pedestal; you still didn't know him that well. I realize you felt a connection, and I don't mean to minimize that, but you only know a fraction of who he truly is. He might be great, or there might be a darn good reason his ex didn't make an effort with him. Maybe he's a cheater, or got a bad temper, or is selfish, or is a lazy boyfriend. You appear to be attaching yourself to an idea of who you think he is, rather than the real person - simply because you barely knew the real person yet.

[Plantcake]

get unstuck from the notion that one is mutually exclusive from the other when they aren't. He can feel all of those things and still be conflicted and not ready to move forward with you because he's not done with the ex.

 

I think that the ease with which he got on with you was completely unexpected and because it was unexpected, it dislodged his unresolved feelings for his ex that clearly he isn't done processing... and instead of dragging you along for the painful ride of him coming to the conclusion that he's not emotionally done with his ex, he's pulling over to the side, opening the door and letting you get out (a.k.a. having enough regard for your esteem to not insult your intelligence or treat you badly) as opposed to pushing you out of a moving car, which is what most unenlightened guys would do.

 

I guess that is a great point you made. Because people are telling me he didn’t felt all of those things he said just to let me down gently instead of telling me sorry I am not into you. But it honestly didn’t felt like it and that‘s what‘s ****ing with my brain. I mean if a guy tells you: sorry, realized you are not my type! Sorry I am not that into you but was nice to meet you. Whatever, I can take the rejection and move on but if someone tells you that actually everything was great then you start to wonder.. okay why didn’t he then said let‘s move slowly or something. I wasn’t mad with him when he told me, I answered him with understanding and said that I felt the same in regards to him to which he said it was astonishing how we got along. That‘s why it‘s hard for me to accept. But I guess the conflicting feelings about his ex are more present than moving on and he did what you said and didn’t wanted to string me along when he‘s still thinking about her.

[lana-banana]

The thing is it doesn't matter why he broke up with you. Whether he truly is still in love with his ex or just letting you down gently, he would rather not have a future with you. That's all you need to know. As soon as someone decides their life is better off without you in it, that's your cue for a gracious exit stage left. If they wanted to be with you they wouldn't let you go.

[stillafool]

But I can’t believe that because he even told me. He told me that he had fun, that it‘s so rare that he can talk like this to someone and that it almost scared him. He also made me compliments about my looks, that he thinks I am smart and great and that he honestly likes me and that it was good for him to meet me. And I don’t think he lied. He also enjoyed the sex as he expressed his desire when we had sex and afterwards. So he lied with all of that..? I honestly thought he was honest and it is because he isn’t ready and was very understanding with him

 

I don't think he lied about your attributes either nor that he had fun with you. But, it does not compare to what he's feeling for his ex which is love, lust and probably just wanting her back. Most men desire and enjoy sex regardless of what else is going on and they need the release. However, the sex could have made him miss his ex as well. The point is one can go out with someone new, find them very attractive, enjoy the sex and conversation but still miss the person they are in love with. You try to get over a person by dating others. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. It didn't work for him but you are probably not the only woman he has tried to date after his break up and he's giving up and trying to get his girl back.

[stillafool]

Whatever, I can take the rejection and move on but if someone tells you that actually everything was great then you start to wonder.. okay why didn’t he then said let‘s move slowly or something.

 

Because he doesn't want to move fast or slow with someone new; he wants his girl back and he's trying to get her back.

[Plantcake]

I don't think he lied about your attributes either nor that he had fun with you. But, it does not compare to what he's feeling for his ex which is love, lust and probably just wanting her back. Most men desire and enjoy sex regardless of what else is going on and they need the release. However, the sex could have made him miss his ex as well. The point is one can go out with someone new, find them very attractive, enjoy the sex and conversation but still miss the person they are in love with. You try to get over a person by dating others. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. It didn't work for him but you are probably not the only woman he has tried to date after his break up and he's giving up and trying to get his girl back.

 

Of course it‘s not the same as the feelings you have for a ex you spent a year with. The thing is he didn’t gave it a chance that is what makes me sad. And I know it‘s better that he didn’t if he realized he‘s not ready he did the right thing. Still I am just disappointed right now because I actually never had such a fun first date.. I think in my head it was already all working out because it seemed so light and easy with him and just clicked. Yeah he told me he met someone a few weeks ago but that it didn’t clicked with her so he just met her for a walk and that was it. He said only through me he realized he isn’t ready, guess because I was the first person who became so close after his break up. Well if he is trying to get her back I don’t think it will work out if he decides for a woman who didn’t really appreciated him. He was a great guy honestly.

[smackie9]

Sorry but this sounds like a rebound.

[Sam2020]

This reminds me of a similar situation I was in many, many years ago.

 

I dated this guy for a very short while. On the day I went to his place, I noticed a photo of the ex still up AND a couple of strands of dark hair still in the guest bathroom! WTF!! He admitted that he was still having a hard time dealing with her leaving. That was the last time I went out with him.

 

No matter how wonderful the guy is, if he's not over someone else, leave. You deserve someones full heart.

[stillafool]

Well if he is trying to get her back I don’t think it will work out if he decides for a woman who didn’t really appreciated him. He was a great guy honestly.

 

Well you can't be too hard on him because like you, the heart wants what the heart wants.

[Plantcake]

This reminds me of a similar situation I was in many, many years ago.

 

I dated this guy for a very short while. On the day I went to his place, I noticed a photo of the ex still up AND a couple of strands of dark hair still in the guest bathroom! WTF!! He admitted that he was still having a hard time dealing with her leaving. That was the last time I went out with him.

 

No matter how wonderful the guy is, if he's not over someone else, leave. You deserve someones full heart.

 

Yes he was wonderful. I never laughed with someone like that on a first date it was just perfect guys. I know it sounds stupid I know, I know. But it was.. he was adventurous and fun and we got along like in a damn movie. Sadly I seem to have played the role that made him realize he still loves a woman that isn’t putting effort into him. It sucks badly!

[Plantcake]

Sorry but this sounds like a rebound.

 

Yes it probably was for him, he tried to move on and realized the feelings just don’t go away like this. He told me he distanced himself, because he realized he wasn’t ready and that he didn’t wanted to meet me as a distraction without my knowing, that it isn’t fair to me. He was completely honest.

[Plantcake]

Well you can't be too hard on him because like you, the heart wants what the heart wants.

 

Yeah, I know that is true! Maybe they will try again and it will work out or it will fail. However, I wish him the best.

[Versacehottie]

I don’t know.. I feel like knowing the exact reason always makes me feel better, I don’t know why and I know that I won’t get the exact reasons as to when he realized he can’t do it. .

 

This is going to be your downfall. With dating stuff, you really won't ever know the "reason". People themselves can't often explain their own reasons for why they do what they do in an interpersonal relationship. You won't get what you want by trying to figure HIM out. Figure yourself out: what you want, how you are going to live your life. I'd vote for he probably can't give an accurate reason right now about what is going on with him.

 

If you admit to yourself you want the reason so then you can combat the reason (with him) and overcome his objections and/or you want to be able to tell yourself it's "not you" so that your self confidence can survive.

 

While he could be into you, sometimes people don't realize it until they try with someone else, i.e. you that it's too soon and their feelings for their ex come flooding back. Also making a definitive choice to move forward and date you, means he will be cutting things off with her for good and he's not ready to do that. In other words, in his heart, you are second, not first. It's not a bad thing, it's just how it is. Timing. That could change in the future you never know. Not chasing him is your best chance for things to go your way in the future. But still don't hold on.

 

Being real, part of the reason he may have been so excited and things went so smoothly with you is he was legit rebounding (looking to replace the missing feelings with just a new person) or that you also didn't present much of a challenge--sorry, i know people don't like to hear this but it is true. Not specifically and only about sleeping with him but yeah that probably played a part. In a way, he is in a situation where continuing with you represented in his mind and immediate and full on relationship, partly because you seemed willing (whether or not that was true, it's likely how he perceived it). In the future, my advice would be to go a little more slowly so a guy can get a handle on what he really is feeling and not get swept up and so that you can do the same and vet not only the guy, what his real availability and willingness to date and be serious is, etc. Not to mention, usually going slower tends to get a guy hooked a bit more (emotionally) and you can see if he is worth your effort and protect yourself a bit more. See for only two dates, you are seemingly giving him a lot of space in your head. If it takes you a lot to recover from his flip flopping, you might be pining over a guy who is not even worth it. like you are imagining he is better than he actually is--because you don't really know how he is only two dates in.

 

Probably part of your wanting him, has a lot to do with wanting to equalize things and have him want you. Right now you feel rejected & it's an ego blow.

[Versacehottie]

The thing is it doesn't matter why he broke up with you. Whether he truly is still in love with his ex or just letting you down gently, he would rather not have a future with you. That's all you need to know.

 

I agree. Just tell yourself it's probably a little bit of both--which i would guess it is. And even with the letting you down gently/youre not his type, it probably has something to do with the fact that he is not over his ex or ready for a relationship in general so it's multi-layered reasons most likely and thus doesn't matter. Knowing the exact reason won't help and knowing he doesn't want to continue is all you need to know. Focus on yourself.

[The Outlaw]

In my experience, if a person ever mentions an ex during a date, run. To me at least, it speaks volumes and shouldn't even be mentioned out of respect for you. But in your case, he isn't anywhere near over her. I've been in your shoes before (five years ago this month and she seemed absolutely wonderful) and it seems like the short term relationships are by far the most deceiving, because they feel so real and they're the best. You feel as if you have something that was never really there at all. But with as much as it hurts, all you can do now is move on. Hope I didn't get too sentimental with my own mess.

[Plantcake]

In my experience, if a person ever mentions an ex during a date, run. To me at least, it speaks volumes and shouldn't even be mentioned out of respect for you. But in your case, he isn't anywhere near over her. I've been in your shoes before (five years ago this month and she seemed absolutely wonderful) and it seems like the short term relationships are by far the most deceiving, because they feel so real and they're the best. You feel as if you have something that was never really there at all. But with as much as it hurts, all you can do now is move on. Hope I didn't get too sentimental with my own mess.

 

He didn’t told it out of nowhere. He asked when the last time was I dated someone and then we talked a bit about past relationships, probably only for 5 minutes. That‘s when he told me he broke up with her because she wasn’t investing and that he had to make the decision because he was doing it for some time but had to think about if it‘s what he wants, so he ended it. Seemed as if the relationship was a bit one sided in regards of appreciation.

[Plantcake]

@versacehottie Yes, I guess not chasing and letting him go now is the best I can do just as you said. Maybe someday I will hear from him when the time is better and maybe not. Thanks anyway for your long answer. I think you are right and continuing dating me would have probably meant for him that’s it over with her for good, even maybe just emotionally and he wasn’t at this place yet. I don’t know if he thought it would be a relationship right away, because we haven’t spoken about that stuff at all. We just enjoyed each others company and I would have been ok to take it slow if he needed that, but again seems he wasn’t ready for that or in his mind it was as you said and he thought that would lead to something deeper to quickly.

[mortensorchid]

When a man says he's not over his ex that's his way of telling you that he is not interested in you anymore. That happened to me twice : the first was a sniveling little coward who treated me very badly and broke it off via email, depressed and lonely, and his ex gf according to all sources was a shrew, walked away and never spoke a word to him ever again. Barely a year later, he met and married another woman. They're still married from what I understand. That happened again to me with a guy I was with for about three months, he said he was trying to get over his ex gf. He was actually seeing another woman and he married her about two years later.

 

Painful, to be sure, but it's what it is. He doesn't deserve you, move on.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Hey!

He then send me a veeery long text explaining himself. He said that sadly he realized because of me, that he isn’t ready to get to know someone on that level. He said I need to know he isn’t single for a long time and that he still thinks a lot about her and that he still feels emotions when he gets a message from her. And that he doesn’t want to meet me to distract himself, that it wouldn’t be fair to me because he honestly likes me and that it almost scared him how great we could talk to each other, that it rarely happens to him that he could talk to someone so good instantly as we could. That he thinks I am a mature and smart and great girl and that he hopes I am not mad. Well I answered him and then the conversation continued a bit where he said he doesn’t really know what he needs and that sometimes contact with her happens because of old stuff and that he feels responsible. (On the first date we talked about ex relationships and he said he broke up with her because she wasn’t investing in him as much as he did and she never changed it so he broke it off)

What do you guys think? Is there a possibility now his ex reached out again or that I ever hear from him again?

 

As others have said he is letting you down easy. I've been in this situation before and I can you not to wait for this guy. There is too much emotional stuff to deal w/people like this. I'm not gonna force anyone to date me, tell me it didn't work out and all will be fine. Do not start dating, saying you want a relationship, then pulling back when I'm invested. If you were as great as he said you were, he wouldn't let you go. He may contact you, but why settle for a guy who breaks down every time his ex contact him?

[Inspire]

I also disagree with your friend's advice. I wouldn't pursue him any further. He told you how he felt and while there may have been a mutual attraction, his heart is still with his ex. As much attention as you may have given him, he still craved to receive that from her, not from you. I know that's hard to hear, but that is the reality of the situation.

 

I may be in the minority here by saying this, but I do strongly believe that many people behave very differently during the healing process. The things they want, desire and how they are can be very different from how they may be generally. This is the foundation of a rebound relationship.

[stillafool]

I agree Inspire, thus the saying "fake it until you make it". I've done this too; pretending I was happy with someone while thinking of someone else.

 

OP, wanting to take it slow means not having sex right away but to wait until you develop an emotional connection. I think your having sex so early with this guy made you bond to him and that is why it's so hard for you to let go. Sex makes some women attach too quickly.