He wasn’t over his ex?

July 8, 2019

Hey!

Like 1,5 months or so ago I started texting with a great guy. We were in contact pretty much everyday.

We met and it was amazing, honestly the best first date I ever went on. It was one of those dates were times flys by and at the same time as if time stopped. Don’t know how to explain it better. We just talked for hours, visited a wonderful place then when the date was over he wanted to continue so we went eating together. At the end of the night, it was already almost morning and I realized we just spent eight hours together. We kissed in the car for probably an hour.

He said that he wants to see me again and mentioned in the next days! He then asked to see me again over text and we met again and had again a wonderful time. We also this time spent the whole night together and slept with each other which felt natural and right because there was just a connection.

Well then we continued texting and I asked if we meet up the next days, he said yes we will meet on the weekend. On the weekend suddenly I didn’t heard from him and I asked him if we will meet but he said he was tired and ill but I could already sense that cannot be all to it, because he was just different. However he said sorry and we continued talking. Then he suddenly wouldn’t reply my messages anymore and I asked him what‘s up and that he can tell me if that was just a one time thing for him it‘s fine, but that I want an honest answer.

He then send me a veeery long text explaining himself. He said that sadly he realized because of me, that he isn’t ready to get to know someone on that level. He said I need to know he isn’t single for a long time and that he still thinks a lot about her and that he still feels emotions when he gets a message from her. And that he doesn’t want to meet me to distract himself, that it wouldn’t be fair to me because he honestly likes me and that it almost scared him how great we could talk to each other, that it rarely happens to him that he could talk to someone so good instantly as we could. That he thinks I am a mature and smart and great girl and that he hopes I am not mad.

Well I answered him and then the conversation continued a bit where he said he doesn’t really know what he needs and that sometimes contact with her happens because of old stuff and that he feels responsible. (On the first date we talked about ex relationships and he said he broke up with her because she wasn’t investing in him as much as he did and she never changed it so he broke it off)

Well I don’t know why I am texting all this or what even my question is.. because our conversation then just stopped. He asked me one last question about how my week went and I answered but he never replied anymore. It‘s been a week now and I have to admit that I miss our conversations.. I am guilty of looking at our chat and seeing he is online a lot. What do you guys think? Is there a possibility now his ex reached out again or that I ever hear from him again?

Edited July 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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July 8, 2019

He was letting you down easy hun....just walk away.

July 8, 2019

What do you guys think? Is there a possibility now his ex reached out again or that I ever hear from him again?

Yes, it's very possible that his ex reached out and that you won't hear from him again.

He was honest that he's essentially not over her. It sounds very much like they're still in touch and he isn't ready to let go of her yet. They might be working on things or thinking of getting back together. Whatever the case, she's in his mind enough that he needs to call it off with you.

For what it's worth, in my opinion, this isn't about you as a person. His heart is just with someone else and he needs to figure things out there before dating anyone new.

July 8, 2019

Never hang onto hope for a guy that is emotionally unavailable.

July 8, 2019

Yes, it's very possible that his ex reached out and that you won't hear from him again.

He was honest that he's essentially not over her. It sounds very much like they're still in touch and he isn't ready to let go of her yet. They might be working on things or thinking of getting back together. Whatever the case, she's in his mind enough that he needs to call it off with you.

For what it's worth, in my opinion, this isn't about you as a person. His heart is just with someone else and he needs to figure things out there before dating anyone new.

Yeah I feel the same that it‘s not about me as a person. We had a great connection, like he said himself how he enjoyed our conversations and that it was good for him to spend time with me. And he was very attracted sexually aswell. So it was just going great! Until this.. yeah sounds like he is not ready to let go emotionally of her although he broke it off. He said he talked to her about her behavior but it never changed so he decided to end it.

July 8, 2019

He broke up with her, but it sounds like he did so not because he truly wanted to be without her, but because he felt he was out of options (if his account of their break-up is accurate)

My guess is that she has asked him for another chance and promised to change or some such thing.

In any case, he is still too emotionally connected to her. I would consider this one done, so you can keep you eyes open for other options.

July 8, 2019

He broke up with her, but it sounds like he did so not because he truly wanted to be without her, but because he felt he was out of options (if his account of their break-up is accurate)

My guess is that she has asked him for another chance and promised to change or some such thing.

In any case, he is still too emotionally connected to her. I would consider this one done, so you can keep you eyes open for other options.

Yeah, sounded like he wanted the relationship to work but she didn’t really.

It‘s just easier said than done.. like there was just something between us. I guess I won’t find out if that is the case.. maybe she heard about that he dated someone new and then it bugged her or something. I guess I will never know.

It‘s just that I really liked him and he seemed to like me just as much, it‘s quite hard for me right now to just let it go. A friend of mine suggested just keeping in casual contact and maybe asking him in 1-2 weeks if he wants to go for a drink (like just outside as friends without pressure) but I don’t think that’s such a great idea. I mean I would know then if he rejects because he‘s back with his ex or whatever.. but still

July 8, 2019

I feel your pain, Plantcake! Almost exactly the same thing happened to me last Fall. Met a guy who said he and his ex had recently broken up, but not to worry because she moved to another country. I said we could take it slow. We started kissing but then he stopped it and said he couldn't do this and that he was still in love with her.

Well it turned out that they were not completely broken up. I found his Facebook and there was a very recent post about his love for her. Then later, through text, he apologized to me but had the audacity to say that he never lied to me... He then rambled about how much pain she's caused him (like I want to hear that). I found out later that they got back together.

My advice to you, don't hold out hope... find a new guy

July 8, 2019

It's like being the other woman...they always go back to their wife/GF/ex. Been in your shoes....I waited.....for nothing! Don't waste your time. I think your friend just wanted you to feel better with encouraging words.

July 8, 2019

The person who ended the relationship (dumper) can also have a difficult time letting go. As is the case here. He had been starved for attention and you gave it to him. With his ex-girlfriend still in the picture, it wasn't going to work out. At the very least he was honest, but he was never really emotionally available.

July 8, 2019

The person who ended the relationship (dumper) can also have a difficult time letting go. As is the case here. He had been starved for attention and you gave it to him. With his ex-girlfriend still in the picture, it wasn't going to work out. At the very least he was honest, but he was never really emotionally available.

Yes, I thought okay if he broke up then he‘s probably looking for something new which is a better fit. But seems he then realized it was to soon for him.

July 8, 2019

It's like being the other woman...they always go back to their wife/GF/ex. Been in your shoes....I waited.....for nothing! Don't waste your time. I think your friend just wanted you to feel better with encouraging words.

So it‘s a bad idea? I just feel as if that was too good to just end like this. I also think he was honest and did like me and just didn’t wanted to make it more complicated by not being honest. I don’t know. Probably you are right and it‘s a bad idea to ask him if he wants to meet up for a drink and a chat

July 8, 2019

So it‘s a bad idea? I just feel as if that was too good to just end like this. I also think he was honest and did like me and just didn’t wanted to make it more complicated by not being honest. I don’t know. Probably you are right and it‘s a bad idea to ask him if he wants to meet up for a drink and a chat

Yes it is a bad idea. He was honest with you about his feelings. He stopped communicating with you. If he wants to talk to you or go for a drink with you, he knows how to contact you.

Move on.

July 8, 2019

A friend of mine suggested just keeping in casual contact and maybe asking him in 1-2 weeks if he wants to go for a drink (like just outside as friends without pressure) but I don’t think that’s such a great idea. I mean I would know then if he rejects because he‘s back with his ex or whatever.. but still

I have to strongly disagree with your friend on this. Bad idea.

He has been clear he is not ready to date you and tried to let you down gently. Asking him out is futile and will make you rather desperate, even if you try to frame it as "just friends." He and you both know you don't want to be just friends. Don't do this to yourself.

I'm not sure how old all of you are, but in my years of dating experience - don't go after a man who has already said no, or told you he can't see you anymore. He meant it. You will know if he changes his mind.

I realize it hurts, because you felt something there, but he feels a greater desire to be on his own (or perhaps with her) than he does to be with you. This is what dating is about, and this part of it sucks. I know. But don't project your own feelings onto him when he's been clear it's not exactly mutual.

July 8, 2019

Yes it is a bad idea. He was honest with you about his feelings. He stopped communicating with you. If he wants to talk to you or go for a drink with you, he knows how to contact you.

Move on.

In my logical mind I know you are right. I do 100%. And I even feel that it‘s a bad idea. But my heart doesn’t want to believe my logical mind! Haha, so dump. But it was just a connection on every level and I know he honestly liked me and was attracted towards me. It‘s that my heart thinks it cannot just end like this if it was literally everything perfect besides this ex story. I feel like though I only want to do it to get the rejection so I can move on, is that stupid? Like that I feel like I want to try it because I cannot let a person that felt so good just get away without trying one last time?

July 8, 2019

I have to strongly disagree with your friend on this. Bad idea.

He has been clear he is not ready to date you and tried to let you down gently. Asking him out is futile and will make you rather desperate, even if you try to frame it as "just friends." He and you both know you don't want to be just friends. Don't do this to yourself.

I'm not sure how old all of you are, but in my years of dating experience - don't go after a man who has already said no, or told you he can't see you anymore. He meant it. You will know if he changes his mind.

I realize it hurts, because you felt something there, but he feels a greater desire to be on his own (or perhaps with her) than he does to be with you. This is what dating is about, and this part of it sucks. I know. But don't project your own feelings onto him when he's been clear it's not exactly mutual.

Yes, that is what‘s so hard for me right now. Because I know the feeling was mutual. But you are right and he rather wants to be alone, or as you said with her. Don’t know if he wants to try again with her or not. But is there even a chance that he changes his mind? I know I shouldn’t wait and I won’t if I meet someone else, but still I hope if he changes his mind about dating he would get back to me?

July 8, 2019

You did get the "rejection". He just delivered it with a soft blow and was sounding like he was waffling partly because you are hopeful. The next step is to ACCEPT it and deal with it on your end.

I also think he was probably being truthful so there is not much more to get out of him in way of an explanation. If anything, his feelings won't change until he has time to process them about his ex and that takes time.

It might just be for the time being, i.e. now but i think you need to let him come to you and live your life like he may never do that. It sounds like it was a week or two out of your life so you can recover and put it behind you if you don't allow yourself to get hung up. Throw yourself into something else. Summer fun is a great place to start. Good luck

Edited July 8, 2019 by Versacehottie

July 8, 2019

Yes, that is what‘s so hard for me right now. Because I know the feeling was mutual.

It wasn't, though. He would be with you if that were true, my friend.

July 8, 2019

You did get the "rejection". He just delivered it with a soft blow and was sounding like he was waffling partly because you are hopeful. The next step is to ACCEPT it and deal with it on your end.

I also think he was probably being truthful so there is not much more to get out of him in way of an explanation. If anything, his feelings won't change until he has time to process them about his ex and that takes time.

It might just be for the time being, i.e. now but i think you need to let him come to you and live your life like he may never do that. It sounds like it was a week or two out of your life so you can recover and put it behind you if you don't allow yourself to get hung up. Throw yourself into something else. Summer fun is a great place to start. Good luck

Yeah, it didn’t really felt like rejection, because it was so vague and he told me how much he likes me at the same time as not being ready. I also feel that he has been truthful, still I have question marks on my mind but if he was as truthful as he seemed then you are right and he probably can’t say more than that he is not ready.. I don’t know he probably tried moving on which shows he wants to? And then realized it isn’t working yet?

So you think he might come around again but I should not hope for it? Yeah it‘s been a week of no contact now

July 8, 2019

It wasn't, though. He would be with you if that were true, my friend.

Well the feeling was mutual, he even told me it almost scared him how great it was and that he honestly likes me. But he also said he distanced himself now to not make it more complicated because he obviously still has feelings for someone else. He probably knew if we would continue meeting it would lead to something more which he wasn’t ready for? I mean why does that mean the feeling of liking and being attracted wasn’t mutual?

July 8, 2019

Well the feeling was mutual, he even told me it almost scared him how great it was and that he honestly likes me.

You need to learn an important lesson here, girl. Actions speak louder than words.

July 8, 2019

You need to learn an important lesson here, girl. Actions speak louder than words.

Which means he lied to me and it‘s not about not being ready because he still thinks about his ex?

July 8, 2019

you are right it‘s a bad idea to ask him if he wants to meet up for a drink and a chat

Yes, it's a really bad idea--because he knows that the drink and chat are going to be about you trying to get him to change his mind about not seeing you.

Since his ex is figuring this prominently in his conversation with you, it sounds like he doesn't want to offend his ex by being involved with you in any way.

Besides, it would be cruel of him to keep your hopes alive by agreeing to stay in contact with you==because that's giving you the notion that you have a chance and he's telling you that you don't.

July 8, 2019

OP, look, you can go over the reasons again and again in your mind. Over-analyzing doesn't help you since none of us - nor you - can read his mind. What does knowing the exact reason really change for you?

It doesn't change the bottom line, which is that he is not interested in continuing to date you. His silence is speaking loudly enough.

Reach out to him again if you like, but I wouldn't advise it. I don't think you're going to like where it leads you.

July 8, 2019

The truth is: If he was feeling the way you are about your dates and sex he wouldn't be ending it with you so quickly. I'm guilty of thinking a man felt the same for me as I did for him and I was wrong. I thought how could I feel this way and he not when my feelings are so strong. I know how you feel but you will look desperate as if you can't take no for the answer. You have to move on he has made it clear what he doesn't feel by his absence and his words.

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