preraph Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 At his age, he's lagging way behind and I think it's a bigger reason than just that you are a virgin. I once dated a guy who was terrified of sex and it was because he was gay and didn't want to admit it to himself, even though he was gaga over this male friend of his. Duh. This drug on for years (I just kept him as a friend and did whatever in between). You're a virgin but just barely, if I may say so. Truth is foreplay is 90 percent of it if you're lucky and heavy petting is the better part of sex, so you're just standing on a technicality -- but this guy is lagging way behind for his age. So there has to be some big issue with him. You're sexual and he's hardly sexual at all and it's more like he's practicing on you. I'm afraid he's just trying to convince himself he's straight, honestly. I've had a couple of very close gay male friends while they were still young and struggling with coming out and this is exactly the type of activity their "girlfriends" got out of them. They would tell me things like, "Karen came over and tried to tantalize me last night." I mean, totally make fun of her, but still not admitting they're gay. Just pushing back on actual sex with their girlfriends. On one hand, you share something in common with this guy (virgins). On the other, you're sexual and he is not, IMO. When a man is turned on, it is VERY hard for them to pull back and that is very obvious. When a man is turned on, they will push it as far as their conscience will let them. This guy isn't pushing -- he's just doing enough to convince himself he has a girlfriend. Sorry. I would in no way remain exclusive to him and I would date other people until he sorts himself out. 2
Calmandfocused Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 Spring, so this is the guy from your other thread who doesn’t text you in between dates? It’s all becoming clearer now: I’ll be honest and say I don’t think he has feelings for you in “that way”. He may be gay but I think the important thing to note is that he’s not feeling “romantic” feelings for you. Everything you’ve written suggests this is the case. In fact I think he views you more as a friend that he shares a few kisses with. I think he wants to feel “that way” about you but doesn’t. I’m sorry Op. Look a man of his age would no way resist a woman who he is totally into. They just wouldn’t. The fact that he’s the one pulling back means theres something else going on here. Perhaps he doesn’t want to take a woman’s virginity who he knows deep down isn’t the one for him. I don’t know but it’s possible. You need to start seeing this relationship for what it really is. 1
Author Spring1234 Posted July 9, 2019 Author Posted July 9, 2019 Thank you all for the replies! We're both born and raised and live in America, east coast to be exact. I understand about he may want to not go too far since I am not ready to sleep with him, however I didn't tell him I'm waiting for marriage. I'm not necessarily waiting for marriage, but I'm not ready to sleep with him. I just thought we could fool around. It's not about religion, just waiting for the right person. He is also the guy I wrote my other thread about, he goes days without texting me. He only texts me when we're about to go out once or twice a week. I just can't believe he didn't want to do at least the boob stuff last night. I mean just making out and going backwards is weird. I really like him, just this stuff bothers me. My sister and friend just say to enjoy being with someone and whatever he does. Would anyone else find his behavior strange? My friend and sister make me feel like I'm a sex maniac because I want to fool around. They both said they wouldn't care. So there's some couples that only do all or nothing? So if you're not having sex you're just kissing, no foreplay or touching? They have the bases, so why is it first base or a home run? He doesn't French kiss either. He's bed and carpet are also really dirty and that's a separate disturbing issue. He has black dirt on his bed and coins Tylenol on his floor, grosses me out. I really like him, however bummed about what's happening.
MINAKO Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 Look a man of his age would no way resist a woman who he is totally into. They just wouldn’t. The fact that he’s the one pulling back means theres something else going on here. I definitely agree. I have been in situations where my interest would have his hands feeling my thighs almost instantly. The need for sex, especially with someone you are super into, is tough to resist. And, I was a virgin in that example, by the way. It did not matter though, and never should, in general. Yes, there are couples out there who do not engage in sex, or do not hold hands (the list goes on and on) but it is undeniable that the behaviour is not normal or common. As in, that is not the average or usual behaviours of lovers at all. There is probably something else going on, OP. Does not have to be something necessarily bad, but there is definitely something not fully right or normal.
crispytoast Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 You keep mentioning how you want him to touch your boob but do you touch him? 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 I don’t know, OP, but based on the details you’ve added here and in conjunction with your other thread, I don’t think this guy is all that into you. Sorry, it’s just my honest take on the situation. 2
nospam99 Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 Insight for you, OP, (maybe) from a 65 male projecting back 40 years ... You haven't said whether or not he cums. For me, if I know I'm not going to cum (with her) I hold off on doing things that would get me aroused. Then I probably masturbate when I'm alone. Maybe, knowing there will be no 'home run', he doesn't want the stress of the effort of a futile 'at bat'. Yet there's lots of 'activities' short of PIV that feel 'very good'. If communication between the two of you is good enough, maybe discuss who gets to orgasm when you make out and how they get there. 3
Maddie82 Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 (edited) I really like him, just this stuff bothers me. My sister and friend just say to enjoy being with someone and whatever he does. Would anyone else find his behavior strange? There is nothing wrong with his behavior. Ever think that maybe he hangs back because fooling around gets him very sexually frustrated? Or as Expat says, he may not be that into you because you come across as a little stroppy. Edited July 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited 2
Els Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 We're both born and raised and live in America, east coast to be exact. It's not about religion, just waiting for the right person. Thanks for clarifying. He is also the guy I wrote my other thread about, he goes days without texting me. He only texts me when we're about to go out once or twice a week. This alone would indicate to me that he wasn't that interested. My friend and sister make me feel like I'm a sex maniac because I want to fool around. They both said they wouldn't care. I'd care, especially if there wasn't a cultural issue holding him back. So there's some couples that only do all or nothing? So if you're not having sex you're just kissing, no foreplay or touching? Definitely not us - we went a long time without PIV, as was the norm where we grew up (we're from an Asian culture). However we did go pretty quickly from making out/heavy petting to oral sex - if there aren't orgasms at the end for both people, it can get frustrating quite quickly. He doesn't French kiss either. He's bed and carpet are also really dirty and that's a separate disturbing issue. He has black dirt on his bed and coins Tylenol on his floor, grosses me out. I really like him, however bummed about what's happening. What do you like about him?
Calmandfocused Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 So he doesn’t like french kissing either? Sorry op, I stand by what I’ve already said. The affection and the emotion simply isn’t there. I think you need to open your eyes to what’s clearly screaming at you in the face. I know it’s hard and I know you like him but sometimes it’s just not enough. This relationship isn’t right for you and it’s clearly not what you want. 1
JuneL Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 In another thread, you mentioned he’s mid-20s and you’re 30. Perhaps you should be the one to lead?
rightondude Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 he could be gay or lying about his past sexual experience (and is scared). 1
stillafool Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 In another thread, you mentioned he’s mid-20s and you’re 30. Perhaps you should be the one to lead? If you're a 30 year old virgin most guys are now going to be cautious about taking your virginity. They think it's odd and they also think you are going to go bat **** crazy in love with whomever takes it from you. They would have to be very much in love with you to take it or some creep who doesn't give a damn one way or the other. A friend of mine was in her late 30s when she finally found a guy who was loving and caring enough. They did end up married. It doesn't sound like this guy has those feeling for you and is trying to avoid too much sexual contact. 4
olivetree Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 (edited) My sister and friend just say to enjoy being with someone and whatever he does. OP, your sister and friend are basically telling you to have no standards. My friend and sister make me feel like I'm a sex maniac because I want to fool around. They both said they wouldn't care. What's good for them doesn't have to be good for you. Edited July 9, 2019 by olivetree
JuneL Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 If you're a 30 year old virgin most guys are now going to be cautious about taking your virginity. They think it's odd and they also think you are going to go bat **** crazy in love with whomever takes it from you. They would have to be very much in love with you to take it or some creep who doesn't give a damn one way or the other. A friend of mine was in her late 30s when she finally found a guy who was loving and caring enough. They did end up married. It doesn't sound like this guy has those feeling for you and is trying to avoid too much sexual contact. Great point. Did she wait so long for religious reasons? OP: I think it’d be more understandable to wait for your bf to initiate everything if you’re a naive 20-year-old girl or younger. I don’t understand why you expect him to do all the work.
kendahke Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 I just can't believe he didn't want to do at least the boob stuff last night.. How did you initiate last night? What did you do for him before expecting him to service you?
preraph Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 This guy is not that interested in you, period. He may not be interested in women that much, or it might just be you. A typical guy would be doing everything to get you hot and bothered so that you WOULD give up your virginity. He sounds like he really doesn't want to but that you've just chosen him to do the deed and he's afraid to say no. 2
Saracena Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 I have to say this guy's behaviour is very perplexing indeed. I've read your other thread as well and and the only reasonable conclusion I can come to is that he's actually gay and/or in denial or hiding it. Based on the fact all his actions tend to scream he's NOT that interested, in which case most guys would have bailed by now,it begs the question about what exactly is he's getting out of this relationship? Not much apart from a cover for his true sexuality. Of course I hope I'm wrong but I wouldn't be at all surprised if this is what is really going on. Sorry OP. 1
preraph Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 If gay, having female interaction allows him to think he's not gay. Beard.
Author Spring1234 Posted July 10, 2019 Author Posted July 10, 2019 (edited) He seems so interested in me when we're together. We have a lot in common and he is so sweet and respectful. I just can't believe he doesn't want to do more than kiss at our ages. He probably only asked me if I would have sex with him because I kept talking about him moving too slow. He never would have touched my boobs if it wasn't for me initiating it. It's just so hard for me to find people to date and I like him so much. I'm just so confused about what his deal is. When i asked him do you want me to touch you, he looked at me like i was nuts and said oh I wouldn't ask you to do that, Acting like I'm his friend or co-worker. He said he would feel bad if he got off and I didn't. He even said to me what do you want to do, he's acting like there is nothing else to do but sex, he seems to think foreplay is just for before sex. Maybe he doesn't even know there's other stuff, he said the last 2 girls he had sex with it, they just did a little foreplay then had sex. He also said they were inexperienced and he wasn't really into the foreplay beforehand. Edited July 10, 2019 by Spring1234
ExpatInItaly Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 The guy is not even kissing you intimately, OP. He might be nice and sweet, but sexual incompatibility is a big issue. I just don't think he wants to go any further with you, for whatever reason. What you have is more or less a good friend, but not a boyfriend. My strong read is that he isn't into like that.
Maddie82 Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 (edited) He seems so interested in me when we're together. We have a lot in common and he is so sweet and respectful. I just can't believe he doesn't want to do more than kiss at our ages. Again, as I've said before, he likely finds doing sexual things too frustrating. You are not listening to anything anyone is saying and you're still not looking at it from his point of view. Edited July 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited
healing light Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 This guy is either really inexperienced, overly cautious, not into you, has a sexual problem, or gay. I was a 32-year-old virgin. I didn't date at all in my 20s because I have had a lot of health struggles and that was my focus, but I otherwise had plenty of opportunities with men I wasn't interested in. Didn't fit any of the stereotypes that come along with being a virgin socially or physically. Wasn't waiting for any kind of religious reason, born and raised in America. Someone earlier in this thread said that the guys who want to take your virginity as an older virgin either see it as a massive deal like you will turn into a stage 5 clinger or are there for the notch in their belt. This was true in my experience--when I let a few guys know about it, it really did their heads in way more than mine, haha. One thought I would never get over my first love because he hadn't gotten over his, the other felt a tremendous sense of pressure because they thought I must have Disney expectations and would want to marry them, etc. These were guys I wasn't even really thinking strongly about in a dating sense, but they were interested in me and they wigged out majorly. Yes, there are couples who do in between stuff and don't just rush to sex--I remember feeling a sense of frustration over that, too. But when I did unexpectedly meet the guy who took my virginity, he was completely fine with building up to it and all the shades that entailed between first base and home base. He was respectful of when I was ready and I would get him off in ways other than penetration--wouldn't just leave him hanging. However, fear of blue balls is no excuse to pressure you into intercourse, either, so don't buy that. But I don't see why there's any reason you can't both get each other off without intercourse until you decide that's what you want. What you describe with this guy sounds kind of...sterile, though. So either he's quite fearful about sex/physical intimacy with you, has mischaracterized his experience....or isn't as attracted as you would like him to be for whatever reason. Has he ever told you why he has an aversion to French kissing? Has he ever kissed you deeply? Was he always this way or just with you? I'm assuming everything is okay on your end hygiene wise, you're not drowning him in tongue or spit, etc.? I kind of expect this from someone in their late teens who has a heavy religious bent, but even then I dated a born-again Christian back in my day and while he tried to avoid progressing intimacy, he could hardly contain his attraction and it was extremely obvious. Do you feel like this guy lusts for you? Is his body language otherwise into you? 2
Els Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 He even said to me what do you want to do, he's acting like there is nothing else to do but sex, he seems to think foreplay is just for before sex. Maybe he doesn't even know there's other stuff, he said the last 2 girls he had sex with it, they just did a little foreplay then had sex. He also said they were inexperienced and he wasn't really into the foreplay beforehand. Unless he's willing to discuss this and change his mind, I would bail based on this alone, lol. For many women, the most comfortable way to have their first-time intercourse is a LOT of foreplay, sometimes multiple sessions of it. That helps the woman feel comfortable with being sexual, as well as helps the couple learn about each others' erogenous zones, bodies, and responses. Plus the vagina expands with arousal, and many women find that it takes 10-20 minutes of clitoral stimulation for this to happen. If this guy is just expecting to breeze through foreplay in 5 minutes and then stick it in, there's a good chance it will be quite painful and unpleasant for you. Not to mention that for many women, "foreplay" IS the main course, as it's where they get their orgasms. The majority of women don't orgasm from penetration. 1
elaine567 Posted July 10, 2019 Posted July 10, 2019 My guess sex to him is a quick make out session, a fumble over the breasts, a flick of the nipples, a grab of the lady bits and then stick it in. As there is no "stick it in" with you, he is lost as to what to do. 5 minutes of foreplay is probably an over-estimate... Find a new bf, one who texts you regularly and one who is at least willing to educate himself about sex. These guys sometimes never improve, they get stuck in their own ways and as they orgasm every time like that, then they don't really want to change anything.
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