Spring1234 Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 (edited) He doesn't want to do anything sexual. It took him 10 dates to even give me a kiss. Then we slowly started working our way up to making out. Finally I went to his place last month and we made out on the bed, then the next time I had to tell him it's okay to touch my boobs and I lifted up my own shirt, he would have just been fine with kissing. Then he asked me if I thought he was moving too slow, I said maybe. He knows I'm a virgin, so he wanted to be respectful, however I told him I have done sexual stuff with guys in the past. Tonight we just made out and he didn't really touch my boobs or do anything else. He asked me last week if we could have sex, however I haven't even seem him without his shirt off. We've been dating for 8 months and he would be fine with just kissing, I took it farther with the boob stuff last time. I told him just because I'm not ready to have sex doesn't mean we can't do other stuff, it's like he doesn't know about anything but sex, he had slept with a few girls in the past. It's like all or nothing. He didn't want to ask me to touch him because he would feel bad he gets off and I don't, he didn't think I would want to be touched because I'm a virgin. I have been in his bed and practically have said it's okay and told him he's moving too slow. He also only asked me to have sex because I told him he was moving too slow, he did stuff with my boobs to make me happy last week. What's his deal? We're in our late 20's Is this weird? I really like him, however I'm upset about this. Edited July 8, 2019 by Spring1234
basil67 Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 It's very weird Spring. I'm not sure if your extreme patience is foolish or admirable.
Author Spring1234 Posted July 8, 2019 Author Posted July 8, 2019 Well why can't we do other things besides sex. He also only asked to have sex because i told him he's moving too slow.
Logo Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 When did you make it known that you don’t plan on having sex because you’re a virgin? Are you planning on staying that way until marriage? I dated someone who was awkward about sex, she was ok doing e v e r y t h i n g two consenting adults can do together, sexually, but refused to have intercourse. From my point of view, and I’ll be blunt to make a point, a penetration is a penetration. So when a woman tells me she’s okay doing everything except have intercourse it makes me wonder. And I’m not referring to the emotional aspect of her worrying about the man walking away once intercourse was done and over with. In your specific case, is it possible he’s not sure how to approach your virginity? Maybe he’s afraid you’ll change in a way that might affect the relationship. But what I’m hearing from you is that you don’t want to engage in intercourse, but everything else is okay. You mention “Why does it have to be all or nothing?” I’ll be honest with you, I can’t be in a relationship where someone wants to have her cake and eat it too, especially since sex is a major component of a healthy relationship. The title you used for your post, makes it seem like he’s the one who’s holding back, but then you tell us that you’ve placed limits on how far you are willing to go. It seems to me you’re either sending him mixed messages or you’re not sure what you want. It’s also a possibility that he is inexperienced, but then as a virgin, how much experience do you have? This isn’t a personal attack, it’s just a summary of the way I see your situation based on what you describe. On the one hand you want to stay “virgin”, on the other hand, it seems you’d be fine with digital penetration or oral. This is just my opinion, but what I’m reading sounds wishy washy, you either engage in sex and sexual acts or you stick to cuddling and making out, anything past making out and cuddling is sex. If defining it differently makes you comfortable, then do what you got to do. Just to be clear, I’m not saying you should of shouldn’t have intercourse (going all the way). I’m saying you complain about him not “doing much”, but then reading between the lines, you let it be known that you’re not ready for intercourse. Have you two talked openly about this? If not, and it’s been 8 months, then maybe it’s time to step back and rethink the way your two are communicating. 3
basil67 Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 Logo makes a good point. Are you working your way towards intercourse? Or will you do everything-but prior to marriage? It could make a difference to his outlook.
Author Spring1234 Posted July 8, 2019 Author Posted July 8, 2019 He has touched and kissed my boobs last week, why not tonight? Why not do some touching? There's other things to do before intercourse.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 OP, can you answer these questions, posed by basil: "Are you working your way towards intercourse? Or will you do everything-but prior to marriage?" Your answers to the above are important in speculating as to what your boyfriend might be thinking and feeling.
Author Spring1234 Posted July 8, 2019 Author Posted July 8, 2019 OP, can you answer these questions, posed by basil: "Are you working your way towards intercourse? Or will you do everything-but prior to marriage?" Your answers to the above are important in speculating as to what your boyfriend might be thinking and feeling. Sure, maybe one day. However what does that have to do with touching? Why can't you fool around without going all the way?
PegNosePete Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 It's possible that he's holding back because you've placed limits on what you want to do. Like taking someone who loves sweets into a sweet shop, saying you can look at all the nice sweets and even touch them, but you can't eat any. Most people would prefer to not enter the shop at all. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 Have you directly asked him if he's got some concerns about taking intimacy further? It might be related to your virginity. Or, it could be a multitude of other things: possible embarrassment about an erectile issue, maybe he's just not that attracted to you and doesn't know how to be honest, perhaps he's lied about this sexual history and he's actually a virgin too...the list goes on. Rather than focus on why he's not touching you more, have an honest conversation. Don't be accusatory. Simpy ask him to share what's on his mind and why he isn't comfortable going further at this point. 1
Els Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 OP, what culture/country are you both from? No need to give specifics of course, but would be good to know if you are both born and raised in a Western culture or an Asian/Middle Eastern culture - it makes a huge difference in this regard. Also, is there religion involved? I dated someone who was awkward about sex, she was ok doing e v e r y t h i n g two consenting adults can do together, sexually, but refused to have intercourse. From my point of view, and I’ll be blunt to make a point, a penetration is a penetration. That's technically untrue, though - vaginal intercourse is the only type of penetration that can possibly result in a pregnancy. Not saying that people should or shouldn't do it, but it is a fact that there is an additional risk component to that particular type of penetration, unless either party is sterilized.
crispytoast Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 It sounds like you are both inexperienced waiting for the other to initiate.
basil67 Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 Sure, maybe one day. However what does that have to do with touching? Why can't you fool around without going all the way? Why get all heated and half way there if you're not going all the way? 1
mortensorchid Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 Have you asked him why it is he doesn't want to do anything related to sex? It sounds like you are pushing for it and he is resisting. No offense but he sounds like he's not that attracted to you.
Maddie82 Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 Sounds like he's confused about where he stands with you. You're not exactly straight forward and he doesn't know where the boundaries are. He's likely just as frustrated as you are. 3
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 So I am a little concerned and disturbed about the push or criticism for this girl to go all the way She obviously wants to remain a virgin via intercourse guys. Doing everything but is how she tries to navigate or compromise with guys who find being with a Virgin difficult trying to get a guy off in other ways. There are people who value that and I don’t think it’s particularly helpful to make her feel wrong for not wanting to go all the way geez Op I am thinking your wanting to wait til marriage before having intercourse? Or there may be some religion involved I don’t know you don’t seem to be pretty open on this forum about your reasoning... But if that is your stance know that some guys operate that way doing all or nothing. They may want to enjoy a full sexual experience including intercourse but will feel teased and frustrated by just doing everything less than intercourse. You have to respect your boyfriends boundary just like he has to respect your boundary. I agree that you should have a clear talk with him and explain where you are coming from and why fooling around is important to you and why not having intercourse yet is important to you and simply ask him in a sweet trying to gain an understanding of where he is coming from. If he still doesn’t want to play around during make out then you need to accept that your going all or nothing or breakup and try to find another guy that will do sexual things with you and can wait on the intercourse part. Good luck 4
stillafool Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 Are you now ready to have sex? If so tell him. I imagine he doesn't want to get into heavy make out sessions that will not lead to sex and therefore he ends up with blue balls. If you now want full on sex let him know. I hear blue balls are painful. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 From my point of view, and I’ll be blunt to make a point, a penetration is a penetration. So when a woman tells me she’s okay doing everything except have intercourse it makes me wonder. Lol I understand this is how you feel but to say this to someone who obviously values intercourse more than just penetration. Your point just sounds like common gas lighting phrase a person would use to get a girl To lose her virginity. there is a difference between fingers and tongue versus a mans penis (you know...that part of you that inpregnates women, and can possibly have a greater chance of giving an std than finger/tongue, and is considered by many one of the most intimate/special of sexual acts, and can actually cause more pain than fingers/tongue for the inexperienced) 1
schlumpy Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 (edited) How can I find out if he's asexual? Always something new to learn. If the term asexual comes up I immediately think of an amoeba reproducing without benefit of a sexual partner which made me grin when I imagined your boyfriend suddenly splitting in two. That would indeed be cause for consternation. I looked it up and I see that there is another way the term is used in that a person can be attracted but not express that attraction in a sexual manner. The dictionary I was looking at had it as the primary meaning. I am mildly surprised. I read extensively. Are you suggesting that you are dating your best friend? Best Wishes Edited July 8, 2019 by schlumpy
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 I always though someone who is asexual is someone who is not interested in sex or just not a sexual person or having low to no sex drive
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 When I was in college I dated a boy and we didn't have sex. But every time we made out he'd have to, aftewards, change his jeans! I assume it was premature ejaculation. He also wore super tight jeans when we made out, which was very odd I thought, but I never asked him why. Maybe to try to prevent it from happening? He was an odd duck in a few other ways too lol. OP, maybe your bf is too afraid of this happening and doesn't want to be embarrassed by it. 2
Els Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 So I am a little concerned and disturbed about the push or criticism for this girl to go all the way Same here. From the way the OP writes, it sounds like she and the guy might be living in a different culture from most of the people here, although I could be wrong. In many of the more conservative countries, especially those where abortion is illegal and there are harsh penalties for babies born outside of marriage, it's actually pretty common for couples to do "everything but intercourse" before they get married. I imagine he doesn't want to get into heavy make out sessions that will not lead to sex and therefore he ends up with blue balls. If you now want full on sex let him know. I hear blue balls are painful. There is not just a binary choice between (1) PIV and (2) not ejaculating at all, lol. 1
kendahke Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 he's either extremely shy, extremely afraid of offending you by indulging what he's feeling or he's not sexually interested in you. 1
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