NewToallofthis00 Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 So I am I'm need of some advice, i recently started dating this really attractive white guy. We have known one another since high school and we recently just reconnected and figured out we both have feelings for one another and so we have been dating a few months now. My family has been really supportive of me dating outside of my race (Black) but his family and just the community in general has been really tough to deal with. I honestly really like this guy and we are going on a couple cruises later in the year. Anyways his siblings and greater family at large have been pretty rough to deal with and have said some incredibly vulgar things. And it feels like everytime we go out we get some of the dirtiest looks and some of the snide comments are just unbelievable in this day and age. I have tried talking to my boyfriend about it and he definitely notices the stuff that happens when we are out and about but doesn't seem to realize what his family has been saying and he gets pretty defensive anytime I bring it up. I am not trying to cause a rift between him and his family but I would just appreciate it if he could say something to his family I know there isn't much we can do when we are in public. I dont know what to do honestly, he is already under a lot of stress to boot because he has suddenly started having seizures and we cant figure out why. I just need some help I feel like I am making a bigger deal out of this then it is.
alphamale Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 you two probably need a good Neurologist before you need anything else 2
JEG88 Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 Do you live outside of a metro area? And/Or is his family very religious or politically inclined? Does he ask you to go to a ton of family gatherings where you're required to interact with his relatives? It's a tough situation for sure, but at this point a few months into the relationship, it's not a battle you should be digging your heels into yet. Not unless the relationship becomes more serious toward marriage. Tell him you're not comfortable being around his family all that much just yet. He should understand and not push you to attend so many gatherings. In turn, you should support him through his medical situation to show you're in it together.
basil67 Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 His family are hurtful to you and your boyfriend doesn't understand how their actions make you feel. Personally, this situation would be a dealbreaker for me. 1
Author NewToallofthis00 Posted July 8, 2019 Author Posted July 8, 2019 He will be seeing a Neurologist on Tuesday. They do not act that way in front of him it is always behind his back or when he isn't around. And we live about 45mins outside of a large city. He takes me everywhere and I have been with him to pretty much all of his families major get togethers and vice versa.
grays Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 I’m sorry that stuff is happening to you. It sounds awful! I suspect that with the family stuff he’s not going to see it until he does. Like one day someone is going to do something in front of him or within earshot when they don’t know he’s there that is blatant enough that he can’t assume or hope it’s not racially motivated and then all of the sudden he’s going to get it and have an a-ha moment. It might be true that he should be having that realization because you’ve told him what’s happening, but it does sound like he might be overwhelmed and he probably wants to believe his family isn’t that way. I think it’s possible for him to be a good guy and still be f’ing this up — and likely figure it out before too long. I don’t mean you should wait forever, though. And I don’t think you should be feeling bad for making a big deal of it. It’s awful. I’d be really upset if my BF’s family was treating me like that. I’m wondering what part of the country you live in? US, right?
MINAKO Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 I understand this completely, as I have always (just by chance) dated someone outside of my ethnicity - culture and all. It can be challenging, especially when the other side has actual cultural values and they are different or clash. Regardless, I love it. I love seeing this world change and become more open to diversity. I know how hurtful it can feel in your situation, though. I would calmly talk to him about this but make sure to remind him that you care a lot about him, and are not at all trying to cause a rift between his family and himself. That if anything, you feel there is a rift between you and his family, and simply wish to resolve it. He is probably defensive because he loves his family and cannot imagine them being discriminatory, so make sure to approach this really gently with a few examples where you did not feel welcome. Maybe the solution would include a family date, or visiting more often - there are many ways to go about this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2DEjrrGkps ^ That is an example of an interracial couple that has extreme family problems due to their different backgrounds, and their videos is always inspiring. Just throwing that in there if it can cheer you up, since no matter what happen to them, they come out strong. Overall, the important part here is to make sure your partner understands. You are dating him, not his family, and even though they are an important part of his life, if he truly loves you, he will make sure you are comfortable with everything. And finally, I would wait for him to get better from his condition before bringing any of this up because yes, it would definitely be a lot more stressful than it has to be.
alphamale Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 inter-racial relationships in general have a higher failure rate than the general populus
LivingWaterPlease Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 I don't think there's much you can do about this except to be gracious to his family. If you keep pushing him to talk to his family about it, imo, it's going to become an issue that will come between the two of you. The more you have in common with your partner the easier and more comfortable it is for everyone and the better your chances are for long term happiness.
emeraldgreen Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 Is this an American thing? I'm white and have only dated one white girl in my life. I've never had dirty looks or attitudes. His family sound like *******s. I hope he realises their attitude and tells them to wise up or take a backseat in his life. I'm sorry you have to deal with it, but I'm just as sorry he doesn't have a family who puts his happiness first.
kendahke Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 He doesn't possess enough of his own identity to see himself without being emotionally dependent upon those cretins. for an interracial relationship, especially when you are the dreaded/hated black person in the relationship, he's going to have to be of a strong enough character that he will cut off friends and family for you... and that sort of man is exceedingly rare. Just letting you know. Their community means more to them than your hurt feelings. 2
El Duendecillo Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 I guess it depends on where you live also. My niece (black) is about to marry one of her brother's old high school friends (white), whom she met years ago before becoming sweethearts. After pursuing her for years, they began dating and will be married in less than a month for now. His parents and family loves my niece to death, and are very supportive of their relationship. They are also very welcoming our side of the family also. They are all located in the Midwest U.S., but attitudes vary greatly across the Country. As a man that has dated interracially in the South, I've encountered a mixed bag of attitudes and acceptance. My universal response to the negativity against my dating preferences by stupid people is simply, "who gives a flying ***k what you think?" Interracial relationship can be difficult, if you allow what others say and think to get under your skin. You are dating your boyfriend, and not his family, or the morons you may encounter in public. But, he does have to ability check the crap his family is saying, and he needs to do so, especially if that would put you at ease moving forward. 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 I'm not sure where you're located but I've been in interracial relationships a few times now. I live in Canada and have dated several American black men and will say there is a palpable difference between dating in the US and dating in Canada as far as interracial dating goes - much harder in the US hands down! There is no doubt you're going to have to learn how to deal with prejudices no matter where you go together. That's just how life is sadly. That being said, if you both want this badly enough then you'll have to learn to stand up and by one another be it out in public or with family. If you don't, your relationship is destined to fail. As for your situation, I'm not sure what else you can do to convince your boyfriend to speak up to his family. The fact that he's having seizures is very troubling but at the same time, you can't continue to tip toe around your partner for fear of upsetting him nor continue to be a punching bag for insensitive family members. Something definitely has to give but it takes BOTH of you to protect what you have together. Until that happens, your relationship will be very vulnerable. Sometimes love just isn't enough to keep you together. Good luck. 1
Sam2020 Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 Is this an American thing? I'm white and have only dated one white girl in my life. I've never had dirty looks or attitudes. His family sound like *******s. I hope he realises their attitude and tells them to wise up or take a backseat in his life. I'm sorry you have to deal with it, but I'm just as sorry he doesn't have a family who puts his happiness first. No it's not an "American thing". I just watched something on this exact subject in Australia and had the same issues. Japan too as well as many others places. The reactions depend on the culture.
MINAKO Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 No it's not an "American thing". I just watched something on this exact subject in Australia and had the same issues. Japan too as well as many others places. The reactions depend on the culture. Yes. The video I linked was about a couple in Canada. I also believe this issue is more cultural and familial than it is about location.
emeraldgreen Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 No it's not an "American thing". I just watched something on this exact subject in Australia and had the same issues. Japan too as well as many others places. The reactions depend on the culture. I've lived in Australia and Japan and it's never been an issue to anyone I know or care about.
Author NewToallofthis00 Posted July 8, 2019 Author Posted July 8, 2019 We live in Florida but we definitely were not expecting the reactions that we have gotten as we both thought these type of prejudices were gone these days. He has stood up for me in public but the public things honestly bother me less then what his family and friends do. And I cam understand his feelings and view to a point but we are front pretty serious I feel like. And even if he hasn't heard what his family has said since they haven't really had the balls to say it front of him. But he should still stand up for new to them and believe me when I tell him what they have said, no?
Sam2020 Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 I've lived in Australia and Japan and it's never been an issue to anyone I know or care about. I'm simply going on what I saw on a tv program about this very subject. And in Japan or most Asian countries it would NOT be overt. Also, I don't think it's just in America. Where I live a large percentage of the population are mixed marriages and it's not a big deal.
Lotsgoingon Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 Look, love is not enough. And when it comes to interracial marriage, the partners have got to have some guts. This guy doesn't believe your reports of his family being rude and racist to you, there's only one option: dump him. This is no different than if his family were rude to you for other reasons ... or if he had a male relative who came on to you and you reported to him and he disbelieved you. Successful interracial dating, in my view, requires a good deal of racial understanding and sophistication. If you're the first and only black person he's ever dated, he might simply lack that sophistication. Him being defensive is unacceptable. 1
Author NewToallofthis00 Posted July 11, 2019 Author Posted July 11, 2019 Well it happened they said something to me while they thought he wasn't around and he was rounding the corner into the kitchen and caught it all. He was shocked at first and then that went to anger and I dont think I have ever seen him so angry or angry in general in all honesty. He defended me and took my hand and we immediately left and the entire drive home he was apologizing to me.
alphamale Posted July 11, 2019 Posted July 11, 2019 there were two white gf I had over the past 20 years where I could have married them. unfortunately both of their families/parents did not approve of me cause I was brown (Asian indian). Once those opinions were voiced I had to end both relationships. I am not going to marry someone who loved ones don't like me cause of my skin colour. some of my other white girlfriends wanted to date and have sex but wouldn't introduce me to their families cause I was not a WASP. other gf's inner circles/friends did not approve of me cause I was not caucasion. almost without exception these people who did not approve of me were either working class or from a lower socio-economic class than me 1
ShyLove Posted July 11, 2019 Posted July 11, 2019 (edited) I am mixed with a few different ethnicities and have very dark skin so I look 100% black and I have dated interracially throughout my entire life. I moved from an east coast small town to southern California and I can tell you not one person has said one thing or even looked at myself & my dates in a weird way (in California). I am marrying a Chinese man next year and even though you don't see many Asian men with dark or black women, still not one person has said anything or made us feel uncomfortable with stares. So my point is..are you guys getting along enough to plan ahead? Would you be willing to move to get away from family? I know it is a lot to do but if you really feel as if this guy is the one it may be worth it in the end. There are places where it is normal to see interracial relationships, SoCal being one of them. I have a friend who moved to South Florida and he said he cold not believe some of the racist things people say there bc he lives in a big city and usually cities are populated with more open minded people. My Aunt is married to a white man and they live in Key West. They don't seem to have any issues. They have been together for 20 years. However, it concerns me that he is not taking your concerns seriously & getting defensive while you are hurting. It may not be worth it in the end. Edited July 11, 2019 by ShyLove 1
Gaeta Posted July 11, 2019 Posted July 11, 2019 Anyways his siblings and greater family at large have been pretty rough to deal with and have said some incredibly vulgar things.. They're vulgar or racist? but doesn't seem to realize what his family has been saying and he gets pretty defensive anytime I bring it up. What have they been saying? Don't get me wrong I know some people are racist, I am a white woman dating a black man, but I have also learn to not jump the gun on comments that stand on the fence between bad-taste jokes and borderline racism. Vulgar I cannot stand but it's not necessarily born out of racism. First time I brought my black boyfriend to a family dinner one of my sister-in-law asked if it's true that black men have bigger ones. That was vulgar and born out of stereotype, not racist.
Art.at.Heart Posted July 13, 2019 Posted July 13, 2019 They're vulgar or racist? What have they been saying? Don't get me wrong I know some people are racist, I am a white woman dating a black man, but I have also learn to not jump the gun on comments that stand on the fence between bad-taste jokes and borderline racism. Vulgar I cannot stand but it's not necessarily born out of racism. First time I brought my black boyfriend to a family dinner one of my sister-in-law asked if it's true that black men have bigger ones. That was vulgar and born out of stereotype, not racist. I hear what you're saying but when someone is constantly making comments to you because you're black, then the category of the comment isn't really important IMO.
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