MM of 3 years disclosed our affair...

[Abetterme]

Hope - I know that’s exactly what you’re riding on right now....HOPE and it is excruciating to watch.

 

I would strongly encourage you to refrain from planning a trip with him until a divorce is final. Saying he’s “out” is actually no progress, even though it might seem so now. I am not saying he doesn’t care about you, but he will continue this dance as long as you allow it. Protect yourself from future disappointment and hurt and stick to your imposed deadline of filing for divorce within the month. A night in a hotel is nothing. You end many of your sentences with lol....I feel that you know what a bunch of crap this is and that’s how you’re trying to keep yourself at a distance. I worry for you and have been through so many disappointments on a much smaller scale knowing I had no intentions of actually being with my xMM. It was so damaging. Please take care of yourself. Thinking of you.

[PhoenixRising8]

I have to agree with abetterme. One night in a hotel means one night in a hotel. He might leave for good but he might not. Hope is a dangerous thing for you well being.

[mark clemson]

MANY marriages have survived a few nights "in the doghouse". So many so that it's a cliche. Not saying that his will or that going somewhere with you for a week is unlikely to have an impact, but you would be wise to keep in mind that this isn't over until the dust settles.

 

If you insist that he tell her he's with you for a week, then you're a "homewrecker" (actually he is, really - this is on him); but if he doesn't tell then he can walk it back saying that he was just figuring things out etc. Not fair to you either way, I think.

[spiritedaway2003]

I had been following this thread and the wife seems to know about him calling you. But I don't remember, is this your first D day? I must admit that I'm surprised. Most MM won't admit to their spouse, willingly. They want the A to fly under the radar.

 

Also, him being in a hotel for one night doesn't mean anything, exactly what others said, until the dust settles.

 

Not that this development is something to be celebrated because you know that there is going to be so much hurt and pain on the other side, too. It's not a good situation for anyone, really.

[Starswillshine]

I would just give him some time. If this is truly the end, he will need some time to sort through it all. Which giving him space until it is all final or at least on the road to progressing will help. Not saying go NC but dont be his cushion to fall onto.

 

And yes, right now, his wife is probably falling into a million pieces. And his child, too. Having to tell my kids that daddy was moving out was one of the most traumatic things I have been a part of.

[Hope71]

Thank you all for the enlightenment and reality check.believe me, its in full force.

 

I do believe MM may very well go back with regret... in fact I expect it. He has a daughter with his W..,, and I know that’s important to him... however his daughter is 33 years old .... he said he can’t make his decisions based on her feelings about his life with his mother and I agree . At some point she will accept it or she won’t

[Hope71]

I want to emphasize that I absolutely empathize with his wife......even though I’ll still be seen as the whore, home wrecker etc. I’ll even except that to a certain extent because part of me believes that I deserve it. .. but I never ever asked him or forced him to leave her or his home . Everything that transpired was entirely his decision not mine.... I think it’s important to say this because I think a huge part of these affairs is placed on the backs of the other women when in fact we give these men plenty of ....leeway....or “decision making” That honestly usually falls back on us when the reality is it’s not really our decision to make .

[whichwayisup]

Spoke to mm at length. He’s going to Ftime me tonite. Something he would not do if he was home. He said his best friend called him and he declined the call....likely a mutual friend of his and W. I know he’s going through hell right now...because of me and it makes me feel horrible...,but he said it’s what has to happen....

 

Whatever you do, don't let him stay or live with you. He can find his own place or stay with friends or other relatives. Put your affair on hold, No sex or anything. Focus on you and your life. Chances are he's going to go back and forth for a while...Just because he says he's moved out doesn't mean anything, especially since they've been married a very long time. Who knows in a couple of weeks or even in a month he could very well move back home.

 

"Date" him in the proper way once he's legally separated, fully moved out and NO chance of them getting back together and he's proven to you he will be there for you and put you first.

 

He has to be on his own, work on himself and rid of the affair dynamic with you as well as grieve the loss of his wife and the life he once shared with her. And that takes time.... He can't just end a marriage and then start a new life with you the next day. It would be an unhealthy situation for both of you to jump in and live together and think that it could work.

[Hope71]

MM went to a hotel because he told his W he can’t give me up...and a huge argument followed. He said he didn’t want her to keep slandering me, and telling him he was making a mistake etc..,,he had to return after work this morning so no telling what happens next. We both realize this would happen. I know it’s extremely hard.

 

There is zero chance MM and I will be moving in together. First of all we live in different states right now. We agreed that we would move closer once he has moved out and see each other properly...but not until then. I’m thinking logically and clearly and I do know there is a chance he will once again change his mind. It hurts, but I know it happens. I’m sure part of MM wonders what the heck he is doing. I’m sure he worries that all his friends will think he’s lost his mind. All of this IS relevant and I told him I know it matters to him. I also don’t want him to think he’s taking a step down because of me....and that’s when it’s hard to compete with their history. We will never have a relationship that long...but I have so much to offer in a different way.

 

I will be ok either way....

Will keep you posted.

[elaine567]

You may have to consider that SHE told him to leave, he may at this moment be trying to persuade her to let him return.

Meanwhile he is getting brownie points for leaving from you... hedging his bets.

Just be careful.

[Starswillshine]

I agree, Elaine. It is hard to really know what to trust because these MM lie so much. None of us know this man, and I would also say that there is a large percent chance, Hope, you really dont know him either. He has lied so much to his wife and no doubt to you, so he is skilled and lacks the integrity that most people have.

 

With that being said, he could or could not be telling the truth. This could be happening or could not be.

 

Just be very careful and guarded. I know distance is a factor here and that is good. Tell him that you cannot be back involved until a full legal separation occurs. He is completely moved out of the house. He will for certain need some time alone to work on himself. And learn to be alone. The last thing you want is a man who cannot be alone.

 

Good luck, Hope.

[Hope71]

MM called me this morning from work. He sounds good..not like he did the first time this happened. He said he got a message from his daughter ..she basically asked him if he’s ok with not seeing her on holidays etc because of this. Obviously she is hurt...but he didn’t seem deterred.he just said he’s going to tell her this has nothing to do with his love for her..and he can’t make her accept it or control how she feels, that there is two sides to every story. He said he has to call his best friend later. He has not told anyone about us yet...his W did. Now he has to pretty much face the music. All I said to him was regardless of what they say no one has a live his life but him .

[Starswillshine]

His wife has a right to tell everyone what has happened in her marriage. He had an affair, people have a right to judge based on that. Yes, two sides to every story but there is never an excuse for an affair. His daughter has a right to be upset with her father. He hurt her mother, he hurt her. It will affect her more than just that he hurt her mother.

 

You're MM isnt some innocent peach here. He has cheated on his wife and his family. That is pretty disgusting behavior.

 

Remind yourself this. He is NOT a victim for you to feel sorry that everyone is so mad and judgemental of him.

[Hope71]

Thanks ladies...

 

I realize a lot of these MM do lie...mine lied to his W but now has disclosed our A. I’d say that’s a lot more than most do at this point. Even if he goes back she knows how he feels.. and honestly why would she want him back after he told her he’s in love with another woman ? I actually told him that if a man said that to me that I would gladly pack his bags for him. They were married for 34 years . Just based on the things I know about him I just don’t think he is a flat out liar it’s just not his character .

[Hope71]

@Stars

 

Of course his wife has a right to tell who she wants I never said she doesn’t .

MM was married for 34 years. People can and do change dramatically in that time span . Yes he did lie for a while to her but he told her the truth and now he’s going to be demonized for it . And I also realize that his daughter absolutely has a right to not have a relationship with him . We are both willing to take our licks because we made this bed and we know we both have to lie in it . No one is running around waving a flag as in we defeated someone . A lot of people are being hurt in this situation but he is trying to be as honest as he can and be as fair as he can . There’s no way I’m going to fault him for that .

[elaine567]

Just based on the things I know about him I just don’t think he is a flat out liar it’s just not his character .

 

He has lied to his wife daily for three solid years...

[Starswillshine]

Oh geez... he told the truth so now he should be celebrated? He told the truth that he did some very horrible things. Just because he confessed to it does not mean he gets a pass from it. Yes, he SHOULD be demonized for it. He had an affair. FOR THREE YEARS.

 

This is not something you just sweep under the rug and say, oh, people change. He actively cheated on his wife. On his family.

[Hope71]

Yes he did. So what now? What exactly do you think should happen?

[Starswillshine]

I guess he just goes on to the next woman who thinks he is an amazing person and does not deserve all these people being mean and judgemental towards him. Just reinforcing his entitlement at happiness at any cost. Just don't be surprise if one day you pay that cost, too.

 

Maybe it will all work out. It does sometimes. And I do wish that the pain caused isnt in vain and someone gets something out of it all. Just dont get stuck in the victimizing your MM because people are angry and mad. He made this bed.

[spiritedaway2003]

Oh geez... he told the truth so now he should be celebrated? He told the truth that he did some very horrible things. Just because he confessed to it does not mean he gets a pass from it. Yes, he SHOULD be demonized for it. He had an affair. FOR THREE YEARS.

 

This is not something you just sweep under the rug and say, oh, people change. He actively cheated on his wife. On his family.

 

I have so many mixed feelings about this whole thread. He absolutely does not get a free pass, but you have to give him some credit for being able to confess the truth (however awful it is) so that he could begin to work through the issues. So many MM have gone just down the route of hiding and sweeping things under the rug because they are conflict avoidant (and likely what led them to the A if the first place). Either way, damn if they do. Damn if they don't.

 

Between the two options, it is harder to step up and face the music so he is actually taking a harder choice, even though what's been done is terrible regardless.

[elaine567]

Yes he did. So what now? What exactly do you think should happen?

 

Wait and see.

But in the meantime, maybe do some serious thinking.

If he did leave, what does that mean?

If he showed up on your doorstep tomorrow expecting to stay, would that be fantastic or maybe not? Would you move lock, stock and barrel to be with him?

I get the "winning" as regards the wife, bit of an ego boost too, but are you ready for a new "husband" ?

 

If not then perhaps he is better staying put for his wife and daughter...

[Hope71]

I guess he just goes on to the next woman who thinks he is an amazing person and does not deserve all these people being mean and judgemental towards him. Just reinforcing his entitlement at happiness at any cost. Just don't be surprise if one day you pay that cost, too.

 

Maybe it will all work out. It does sometimes. And I do wish that the pain caused isnt in vain and someone gets something out of it all. Just dont get stuck in the victimizing your MM because people are angry and mad. He made this bed.

 

Thank you Stars.

 

I didn’t say that he does not deserve to be judged . That comes with the territory when you have an affair . I guess it’s easy to look from the outside because all you see is a cheater and someone who left their family . You also see the fact they were married for so long. It’s always easier to judge than to try to understand why . Of course I’m going to defend him because I love him and I really do want the best for him even if that means he goes back to his wife .. this is not a competition for me it’s my life and his life .

[Starswillshine]

I have so many mixed feelings about this whole thread. He absolutely does not get a free pass, but you have to give him some credit for being able to confess the truth (however awful it is) so that he could begin to work through the issues. So many MM have gone just down the route of hiding and sweeping things under the rug because they are conflict avoidant (and likely what led them to the A if the first place). Either way, damn if they do. Damn if they don't.

 

Between the two options, it is harder to step up and face the music so he is actually taking a harder choice, even though what's been done is terrible regardless.

 

There is credit for the outsider (us) but for the people this affects, he wont get much credit for it. And it shouldnt be expected. Especially after a 3 year affair.

[Hope71]

Wait and see.

But in the meantime, maybe do some serious thinking.

If he did leave, what does that mean?

If he showed up on your doorstep tomorrow expecting to stay, would that be fantastic or maybe not? Would you move lock, stock and barrel to be with him?

I get the "winning" as regards the wife, bit of an ego boost too, but are you ready for a new "husband" ?

 

If not then perhaps he is better staying put for his wife and daughter...

 

I am doing some serious thinking . We both are . We both know we have a ways to go before we even consider living together or anything more ... up until this point it’s all been something we discussed but now it is becoming more real . Does that change things ? It doesn’t change how I feel about him but yes it absolutely changes things .... I guess how it changes things will be determined . I’m just trying to navigate my own life while he tries to balance his without me getting too involved . He’s making all of his own choices and decisions but he’s trying to include me . Right now I think that’s the best way to navigate .

[Starswillshine]

Thank you Stars.

 

I didn’t say that he does not deserve to be judged . That comes with the territory when you have an affair . I guess it’s easy to look from the outside because all you see is a cheater and someone who left their family . You also see the fact they were married for so long. It’s always easier to judge than to try to understand why . Of course I’m going to defend him because I love him and I really do want the best for him even if that means he goes back to his wife .. this is not a competition for me it’s my life and his life .

 

People leave marriages all the time after so many years. It is unfortunate but it happens. People grow and change and drift apart. After 20-30 years, it's pretty boring and mundane. People want and desire excitement. Regardless of why the marriage was on the rocks, it never justifies an affair. Never. So whatever the reasons are, people can never look past the fact that he chose to have an affair instead of ending it the correct way.

 

Sorry, I got maybe a little triggered when the idea of him being demonized was said. Affairs are nasty and cause so much pain. Doesnt really make him a downright bad person but the lying and betraying surely makes his character quite questionable. As someone who is hoping to be his new open partner, just recognize that.