How to Cope and Heal?

[JEG88]

So I went through a breakup yesterday with my now ex-GF of almost 2 years. Emotions are still very raw, but want to start the healing process as soon as I can. Things are hitting my hard today as I delete photos and deactivate social media. I'm not an emotional person usually, but I'm easily in tears at this stage still.

 

I don't have any friends, a result of intense introversion, social anxiety and homebody-ness. So my only real outlets in person are my brothers and my parents. I've been talking to them about it to help cope, but I don't want to put that stress on them for long.

 

I've already signed up for a new gym so I don't have to see her at the gym we went to together. Hoping this will be a good distraction for me to not linger or dwell on the thoughts as much. Also thinking of joining some Meetups for things I'm interested in like video games, basketball, etc.

 

But I also want to focus on making myself mentally stronger. Any suggestions? Meditation, yoga, reading? Any advice or shared experiences much appreciated.

[Happy Lemming]

My advice...

 

Shower up, and go down to your local bar/pub and start looking for a replacement for your girlfriend.

 

Although I know you didn't get dumped, when I get dumped I go out and immediately try to find "Miss Right for tonight". Distract my mind/thoughts with someone new, the sooner... the better. When I was the dumper, I already had the next one woman lined up.

 

I remember one woman dumping me and I instinctively looked at my watch. When she asked why I looked at my watch, I told her I needed to see if I had time to shower up before I went to the bar to find her replacement or if I should just go straight there.

[nolanola]

I'm an introvert too and making small talk with people is exhausting to me. BUT...I know I am not going to meet someone sitting on my couch. Since my own breakup 8 months ago, I have been working hard to try to overcome this. I joined a book club and started volunteering in an attempt to make some new friends. I would like to meet my "person", but I also hope that by doing new things I will grow as a person and become more comfortable in social situations. I think of it kind like going to the gym: I don't always want to do it, but I know I will be glad I went afterwards.

 

I think the Meet-ups are a great opportunity - maybe look for some where you'll have to be a little more social? The basketball is a great idea. You can focus on the game, but also have the chance to talk a little bit and maybe hang out after the games?

 

My other goal is to say yes to invitations. Due to my anxiety in social situations, I sometimes opt out of things because I start going over scenarios in my head that could happen. I'm working on just saying yes, with the idea that if I'm miserable once I get there, I can go home.

[Lotsgoingon]

If you're family is all you have in terms of support, then call on them. You're not going to be in this state forever. Don't be afraid to lean on them now--a lot! ... You'll at some point be called on to return the favor.

 

Some people need to crash for a bit after a serious breakup ... I tend to sit in front of the tv for hours ... quietly thinking and working through my feelings. But that period shouldn't go on and on.

 

Exercise is great ... so is sleep. Also journaling is quite good.

[Darren87]

You HAVE to get yourself out and start doing things. Youve joined a gym, thats great. Smash it. Go as much as you possibly can. If you dont know what youre doing then get a personal trainer or get on YouTube and watch Athlene-Xs videos. Knowing what you are doing in the gym, doing it consistently & doing it right is absolutely critical. Get on those weights and get a great physique, its VERY possible. Sort your diet out as well. Get vegetable steaming pans & a grill. Chicken & veg everyday. You will drop fat, look great & feel great. There is NOTHING like exercise to make you feel better about yourself.

 

Basketball is a great idea. Is it a club you are joining? If so thats a great way to meet people. Here the UK people join soccer & rugby clubs & make friends for life as the social side of these are great. One thing I can attest to is Brazilian Ju-Jitsu. A BJJ club is great, you make great friends, you get seriously fit & feel like a serious bad ass when you start tapping people out!

 

Go out with your brothers. Go to bars, shows, whatever. Meet new friends at the gym & whatever clubs you join & go out with them. Now I dont know if you literally have no friends at all or if you were just being dramatic there, so if you do have friends then go out with them.

 

Get on Hinge, Tinder, Bumble. Get a few good pictures of yourself, preferably playing sports or one in which you are. doing something funny that shows you dont take yourself extremely seriously & that you have a personality. Get an app like Facetune to make you look as good as possible in the pictures. 90% of guys on dating apps have the same boring photos of them looking bland AF. Dont wear sunglasses & dont make your main photo a group one. Write a bio that FUNNY. Dont go into huge detail of who you are & what you are looking for, that is boring. Google funny tinder profiles for inspiration. You must come across as confident & funny. Make sure your opening messages arent boring. Make a funny observation on their profile or ask them a funny question. DO NOT mention sex EVER. Do not call her baby or any other pet name. Do not comment on how hot she is. The key to getting a girl to reply is to make them laugh, so aim to do that every time. Google funny tinder openers for inspiration.

 

And after all of this GO OUT ON DATES! It doesnt matter if you are not over your ex, dating will help you get over her & boost your confidence. Act like you are over her & for the love of god dont mention her on said dates. If they ask why are you single, tell the truth. She broke up with you for whatever reason, it wasnt ideal but life goes on. Some may say its not fair to date & lead people on when you are not ready. To that I say tough. This is YOUR life. You need to do what is best for you because no one else is going to. Prioritise yourself & your happiness. You are not going to destroy anyones life or break their hearts from going on a few dates when you are not really ready to.

 

Dont delete your ex from social media, that looks like you have lost the breakup. You will look mature and in control of your emotions if you dont. Instead mute her so you dont see her updates. In the mean time start taking photos of the things you are doing & post them. Dont go too OTT with updates like saying you are having the greatest night ever. Just pictures of you SMILING & doing things including your new hobbies. Show you have a life. Some might not agree with that, so what? People are vain, so it will make you feel good if you know that your ex can see that you are having a good life without her. Is that childish? Yep, it certainly is, I dont care.

 

Do NOT contact your ex because if it goes tits up then you will feel sad & pathetic. Dont like anything she puts on social media. If she likes something you put on social media ignore it. If she messages you then reply if you want to get back together. Be cool though with the reply, dont do it straight away & only answer the question she is asking & ask a similar one back. Casually mention your hobbies like saying you have just got back from basketball or something like that. Dont start a huge convocation up, keep chucking the ball back into her court.

Edited July 7, 2019 by Darren87

[JEG88]

You HAVE to get yourself out and start doing things. Youve joined a gym, thats great.

 

Get on Hinge, Tinder, Bumble.

 

Yeah, I've been a gym regular for almost 2 years now. Had to find a new one because my ex will be going to the one I currently am a member at, so that would be awkward. Made that change yesterday, but I want to give myself a week off from working out for now before I start the new gym.

 

I've had passing thoughts on when to sign up for OLD again. It's been 2 days since the breakup, in a way it doesn't feel right to get back out there so soon until I feel like I've fully processed things. On the other hand, mentally and emotionally I feel like I "broke up" with my ex at least a few months ago in my mind/heart.

 

I will probably sign up and take it slow on OLD for now until I've had more time to process.

[Rayce]

I am sorry your hurting and it will take time to heal. It's ok to allow yourself time to feel the emotions. I personally don't like the idea of going out and finding "Miss Right for tonight"... that sounds like just lining someone up to be used and you might not be up for that type of entanglement.