Is she scared? Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 I have this problem where I always push away the person I love most. It's almost as if I test her love? I noticed I did this more and more now that we were getting close to finally moving in together after 6 yrs. It's been a long distance relationship for 4 of those 6 years so it must have been real special in order for it to last this long. She finally got fed up with the "tests" and has left. It's been a month and she tells me she has no feelings anymore, although when we do speak she can't help but laugh and get happy when we reminisce over the old memories. Is she just scared she might get hurt again? How will I know. She doesn't contact me unless I contact her first. I like 90% sure there is no one else. She said she needs to be alone for a few months. I try not to contact her more than once a week but we still live 2 hours away so won't she just forget me if I don't contact her?
smokeybones Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 I also pushed away the person I love after 4 years. I am in a similiar situation except he is now 'in love' with another woman. Unfortunately days after he told me this he called crying telling me he loves me. It's been a rough couple of weeks as one day he asks me for patience and tells me he loves me, a few days later says he has moved on and I misunderstood. The bottom line is he is confused and though I do not doubt that he loves me, I am a 13 hour drive away and his back and forth confusion of his - the chatting and laughing, etc.- when we weren't both breaking down on the phone has cause me to be so stressed I can barely function. So, I sent an email requesting some space. I mean it but it sucks as I do love him and want more than anything. But I was starting to feel like he was cheating on his current girlfreind with me and I do not want to be that person. Also, he has a lot of work to do on himself (as do I). Working on yourself should be your first priority. Try to determine why you push people away? Where does it come from? Can you fix it. She truly may have no feelings for you. It's a hard reality to face but you have no contol over it. A change in yourself is what is necessary here. You need to ask yourself the hard questions, see a counselor if it will help. I personally am very excited and scared but I just can't be this person that pushes people to see if they can take it and come back. You aren't going to be able to truly have a relationship with her or anyone else if you aren't able to mend these self-destructive tendancies. I understand exactly how hard it is to think you will be forgotten because you are far away. It's worse when and if there is someone else there comforting the one you desire. But, you should respect her wishes. If she says absolutely no contact then that is it. Let her know you are open to her calling, emailing, etc. whenever she wants and that there is no reason to put any sort of timeline on things. But if you really want to change so you can stop this pattern of yours - ake some action, let her know you are taking action, tell her you admit your flaw and truly desire to change. This change is going to take time and if you were to just slip back into a relationship without fixing it, it will come back. If she is scared she will get hurt again, she is just protecting herself. And thats ok. Give her some time and work on yourself. Every scenario of this has you coming out on top as you will become more in touch with yourself and then be able to share a better love with someone else. Maybe her, maybe not. Thats the part that truly sucks because not only are you working on yourself you are dealing with a loss. I've been beating myself up for weeks, crying my eyes out. No the relationship ending wasn't 100% my fault - I was involved with someone who is also a 'push away' but I absolutely do not want it to happen to me again. It's not going to be easy but you will come out a more emotionally evolved person. Send her emails on your progress every two weeks or so if will make you feel better. Because the most important thing to do is take care of you. But be prepared for no response and if you can't handle that then don't do it. If she truly cares about you she will be happy that you have realized you need to fix some things about your own personality. But don't look at it as 'if I change this, she will come back' because that will just devestate you all over again. Realize that you do not have control over her, just yourself. Iactually put a post-it note on my computer that said "He will not call, he will not IM, he will not email, he will not show up on my doorstep.' Because even though I requested space, I desperately want to hear from him and even though I left it open for him to contact me whenever he wanted to, just not so frequently, I have to face the realization that he probably won't. He found comfort in another womans arms since I broke his heart and it's making him happy -they are in the high-school love honeymoon phase. and it is easier when he isn't talking to me. even though he sobbed and said he loves me and can't imagine me not in his life (we were friends for 10 years before we dated) he is with someone else and I was starting to hate hin for repeatedly throwing all his feelings for me out on the table and then not being strong enough to do anything about it or acting like he had amnesia. So hang in there, get a counselor if you can, but be strong.
Esteban1931 Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 actually since then i have sent her a house warming present that was very sweet and a letter how id like her to keep an open mind because i am changing and learning lessons from my errors. She actually called me back and left me a nice message, it looked like the gift made her happy where until now she always had this anger i could sense in her voice. Before receiving the gift , my best friend called her and she said she was planning on calling me on oct 16 which is my bday. she ends up calling me 2 days later after the gift. also she never really called it a "break" but on the phone with my best friend she told him we were "taking a break". does this mean anything? How often should i keep in contact? And when we speak should i even speak about our relationship? 6 and a half yrs is a long time! im actually a lot closer than u are to ur ex and feel bad. 2 hours is nothing compared to 13 hrs. we did 2 hrs apart for most of our relationship. i dont know about u but a long distance relationship that last more than a few yrs must have been strong and special! heres the most important question....what could ur ex do to prove he has changed and that he would never hurt you or push you away again???? so u actually want to hear from him even though ur the one who asked for space?
smokeybones Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 yes, I actually do want to hear from him. Not a long, drawn out conversation but just a just wanted to say hi and tell you I was thinking about you. My mood swings are pretty extreme these days and I don't want to talk with him when I am really angry, sad, or just plain worn out. Because I'm worrid I'll say something I'll regret or that he will. I am supposed to see him in two weeks and though I do not expect declarations of lets get back together, I just need to talk in person as all this has been done over the phone. What would he have to do to get me back? Well one, I refuse to be the other woman or some sort of just hanging around back-up. Also, he would have to decrease the denial and building walls. Not that I want to be crying all the time on the phone with each other but to know that he is trying his best would be good. He said he wants to be more emotionally available with me and I'd like to see some progress with that. I think it's a good sign she called you. As to exactly what taking a break means, I'm not sure. It could mean lessening contact, it could mean seeing other people, it could mean lots of things. I do think it's a good idea to establish exactly what it means if the two of you feel that there is any possibility of getting back together. Otherwise, you might end up withadditional problems if one or the other partys feels betrayed. even though he has a new girlfriend, I have decided to stop dating other people as I have some serious work to do on me. And it's going to be hard work and knowing myself, having the distraction of the excitement of a new man in my life would just lead me to not do the hard work on myself and become complacent thinking "oh, I'm fine, I've changed". with no real work being done, I am bound to repeat my self-destructive relationship tendancies. The anger in her voice may be because she does feel anger towards you . You pushed her away and that hurt. You can only just be a better person but that hurt isn't going to just go away overnight. I once went back with a man after he returned to my life. we had dated a few years and the relationship ebded because he cheated. we didn't speak for months and I was a mess. But instead of becoming a stronger person, I just pushed my hurt down and didn't mke improvements. When he retuned to me, I accepted him back even though there was no apology or explanation and it was a tragic mistake. I harbored anger and anomisty towards him for 4 years until we broke it off to good. I told myself I trusted him, even though deep down I never did. I think you have to have the hard talk about what happened and why and how to prevent it from happening again. Both parties have to accept responsibilty. There is a way to do that wthout it turning into fingerpointing and blame - I'm in counseling to help try to figure out how to have healtly emotionally charged conversations I have send many long, vulnerable emails to my ex. I often wonder if I have gone to far. A friend of mine said that I need to do what I need right now and if I need to get it out, then I should. She says it it not my responsbility to guess where someones buondaries are, it is their responsibilty to let me know where they are and if I don't hear that I've crossed them, keep on dong what I need for me. I know putting myself out there may just lead to more heartbreak but at least I won't have the regret of "If only I had said this". It sucks waiting for a call But I suppose you just have to trust that if she said she would call on your birthday then she will. If she doesn't - well you deserve better than that and after 6 years, you deserve an explanation of why not. Don't ask for it from a place of hurt and anger. You deserve respect and not following though on something is not acceptable, if you don't respect yourself, they aren't going to respect you.
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