Author Darky820 Posted July 7, 2019 Author Posted July 7, 2019 I agree with both the guys commenting that you should be initiating with her more I think she was ok with asking you to hang out because things were just getting started and it was through friends and enough of a friend vibe that that was ok. Now i think she is expecting you to take the lead. It's not weak or desperate at all to be the guy who does the initiating. If she is saying yes, responding or working out a schedule with you to keep things going, she is interested. I find it so interesting that you think it would be desperate to pursue her. I know some guys believe that--meanwhile, guy guys typically see something they want and go after it. Desperate is handing your whole life and schedule over to some new girl or pursuing them when they are effectively giving you "NO" answers or not positive responses to your attempts. Up until now, I think you've taken the passive (girl) role and she was starting to feel like she has been chasing you. It's hard to tell if she is over you in general or allowing you the opportunity to pick up the slack. I think she is allowing you to pick up the slack because of the whole sending you screen shots of how her family thing got in the way of your friday plans (if she didn't like you I doubt she would go to that effort to reassure you). And I'm optimistic like that! Anyway, pursue her, initiate with her. Good luck This is a valid point and is good, I also feel like I've told her what I had/needed to. But, if she doesn't respond to my messages, how many times can I start up a convo with her shouldn't she also try and keep it up? For example, after talking last night she told me shes knocking out and that she will talk to me tomorrow, I let her know to have a good night and what not. Now, she hasn't msged me today, WHICH is fine but I feel like at this point I should wait for her to message me right?
Versacehottie Posted July 7, 2019 Posted July 7, 2019 Ooops, I just read your update. I wouldn't have done that. But ok, you did. I think you have to be careful with the space thing. On one hand, the whole asking "what is wrong", messes with good momentum and maybe just kills it for the other person if she is on the fence or truly stressed. The fact that she threw this excuse out potentially means she is one foot out the door or actually stressed! So now you just have to work with what you've got.. It's a bit of a tightrope to manage pursuing her and leaving her space since she is "stressed". I think once you've opened the lines of communication that far, you should just make it a point to be light and add fun to her life, break whatever stress she is having, be a bright spot. And now that they are open on a deeper level, keep the lines of communication open that way, but not all the time or too heavy. I stand by that you should still be the pursuer or initiator. You should do what you should have been doing from the beginning. Goodluck
preraph Posted July 7, 2019 Posted July 7, 2019 I don't know I'd go that route as it is more an attack on her personally. I'd want to know Hey, what happened? Thought we were going to Ribfest? Keep it light. It may just be over, but she did invite you and then dropped the ball. I agree with others it's still your place to ask her out, but I would want to know why she dropped the ball on Ribfest first.
Author Darky820 Posted July 7, 2019 Author Posted July 7, 2019 I don't know I'd go that route as it is more an attack on her personally. I'd want to know Hey, what happened? Thought we were going to Ribfest? Keep it light. It may just be over, but she did invite you and then dropped the ball. I agree with others it's still your place to ask her out, but I would want to know why she dropped the ball on Ribfest first. Well about the Rib Fest, I asked her friend Im like oh she invited me but nothing happened after. and Her friend told me oh weird... cus I asked her if she invited anyone and she told me "Nope". I think something was going on with her family that she was stressed about or something and therefore, maybe she forgot OR she just wanted to have some girls time <- her friend sorta said this to me as well. All of that is fine/okay... at least just be open about it and let me know beforehand unless she REALLY did forget. But I feel like, its a little too late to bring up the whole Rib Fest thing, this was already a week from now + I already asked her if everything is okay, etc.
Versacehottie Posted July 7, 2019 Posted July 7, 2019 IMO, a text conversation is just a conversation. Sometimes they drop off. That's ok. A strong confident guy who knows he has something to offer and a rapport with this girl is not deterred. In the immediate time frame like same day, to about 3 days, let her get around to texting you back. If she doesn't that is ok, then when there is something 'new" just start a NEW conversation within 3 days to a week. Don't pick by up on the old one because that basically indicates that you've been "waiting". Yeah that's not good & creates pressure and a passive vibe. A new start/new info indicates good vibe & pursuing and is masculine. Let's her know she is on your mind and you are bringing her into your life and what goes on in it. Now I hope these convos are not boring or just dull exchange of info--that could be part of the problem. Make sure it's about "something". You guys have already established somewhat of a pattern otherwise I would say not to do dull texting or to use texting to set up a date really. You want to keep momentum going and take it from virtual world into real world. Even though I know you've spent time with her before, in person is mostly better than text to conduct a relationship so you want to transition to that as much as possible. Now you've kinda got that "i'm stressed" problem going on so you kinda took some steps back and need to get a little traction again. You also need to be attuned to what she is feeling. I say if you feel she is feeling "good" about you, that is the moment you say hey let's get together with a specific offer. Also helps to keep the text convo on what sort of things you have coming up and what you'd like to do in general for fun and then it's just natural to say hey you want to join me. Those kind of things. You never want to her to feel like texting with you is an obligation or the whole relationship will lose steam real quick--that's why you have to be ok with letting texting drop off and come back with confidence when you do come back. Goodluck
Author Darky820 Posted July 7, 2019 Author Posted July 7, 2019 IMO, a text conversation is just a conversation. Sometimes they drop off. That's ok. A strong confident guy who knows he has something to offer and a rapport with this girl is not deterred. In the immediate time frame like same day, to about 3 days, let her get around to texting you back. If she doesn't that is ok, then when there is something 'new" just start a NEW conversation within 3 days to a week. Don't pick by up on the old one because that basically indicates that you've been "waiting". Yeah that's not good & creates pressure and a passive vibe. A new start/new info indicates good vibe & pursuing and is masculine. Let's her know she is on your mind and you are bringing her into your life and what goes on in it. Now I hope these convos are not boring or just dull exchange of info--that could be part of the problem. Make sure it's about "something". You guys have already established somewhat of a pattern otherwise I would say not to do dull texting or to use texting to set up a date really. You want to keep momentum going and take it from virtual world into real world. Even though I know you've spent time with her before, in person is mostly better than text to conduct a relationship so you want to transition to that as much as possible. Now you've kinda got that "i'm stressed" problem going on so you kinda took some steps back and need to get a little traction again. You also need to be attuned to what she is feeling. I say if you feel she is feeling "good" about you, that is the moment you say hey let's get together with a specific offer. Also helps to keep the text convo on what sort of things you have coming up and what you'd like to do in general for fun and then it's just natural to say hey you want to join me. Those kind of things. You never want to her to feel like texting with you is an obligation or the whole relationship will lose steam real quick--that's why you have to be ok with letting texting drop off and come back with confidence when you do come back. Good luck So let it go airy for a few days to a week, then just start up a conversation with something other than "Hey how's it goin etc", that's a good idea. I will do that. 1
nospam99 Posted July 7, 2019 Posted July 7, 2019 A script for you, OP: ''I understand that you're stressed a bit preparing for your finals. How'd you like an 'ice cream study break'? My treat. Just half an hour or an hour and then you can get right back to studying.'' All depends on how much travel time that would involve for you and whether you think that she's cool enough with your intentions to go for it. As you can tell by my previous post, my 'style' would have been to already have had a phone convo. But even not having SPOKEN to each other, such an invitation shows friendliness, compassion, interest, and initiative (without getting 'up her ass' - a double entendre I would NOT drop on a dating partner until we had been exclusive for a while).
Author Darky820 Posted July 7, 2019 Author Posted July 7, 2019 A script for you, OP: ''I understand that you're stressed a bit preparing for your finals. How'd you like an 'ice cream study break'? My treat. Just half an hour or an hour and then you can get right back to studying.'' All depends on how much travel time that would involve for you and whether you think that she's cool enough with your intentions to go for it. As you can tell by my previous post, my 'style' would have been to already have had a phone convo. But even not having SPOKEN to each other, such an invitation shows friendliness, compassion, interest, and initiative (without getting 'up her ass' - a double entendre I would NOT drop on a dating partner until we had been exclusive for a while). She goes to school about an hr 20 mins drive from where I am, her home is about 30 min drive(but she wont be back there until end of finals). Now.. since she already told me about making 'plans' after finals. Wouldn't it be weird to bug her about ice cream, or what not before she's done her finals? Since she already made a statement about after exams. Also, Im sorry aha what do you mean by "drop on a dating partner".
preraph Posted July 7, 2019 Posted July 7, 2019 Well about the Rib Fest, I asked her friend Im like oh she invited me but nothing happened after. and Her friend told me oh weird... cus I asked her if she invited anyone and she told me "Nope". I think something was going on with her family that she was stressed about or something and therefore, maybe she forgot OR she just wanted to have some girls time <- her friend sorta said this to me as well. All of that is fine/okay... at least just be open about it and let me know beforehand unless she REALLY did forget. But I feel like, its a little too late to bring up the whole Rib Fest thing, this was already a week from now + I already asked her if everything is okay, etc. No one forgets inviting a guy to something, so something else is going on. I hope it's not that she has decided she's not interested anyway. Even if she decided on a girls' day out, you can't just cancel or ignore because of that. I mean, if she really asked you to it, there is no excuse for her not contacting you over it, so for that reason, I'd put her on the back burner. 1
nospam99 Posted July 7, 2019 Posted July 7, 2019 (edited) ^^^ If you're confident that SHE is COMMITTED (NOT HER ROLE because she's the one with the ovaries) to meeting you after finals, then fine, hold off. I was using 'drop on' as slang for 'say to'. Sorry for causing confusion. And preraph posted as I was typing .... Dang, preraph, what is there about this kid that 'us seniors' seem to be so willing to give him pointers? Is this like watching a rom-com and shouting at the screen 'Kiss her already!'? Edited July 7, 2019 by nospam99 1
smackie9 Posted July 7, 2019 Posted July 7, 2019 OP what kind of dating experience do you have? What I saw was a simple "lets hang out"...no intention of it being a date like situation. That's why the wheels are spinning and nothing seems to be happening.
Author Darky820 Posted July 7, 2019 Author Posted July 7, 2019 OP what kind of dating experience do you have? What I saw was a simple "lets hang out"...no intention of it being a date like situation. That's why the wheels are spinning and nothing seems to be happening. I've dated a few people so far, but I was in a 3 yr relationship with someone... and while we were together her parents decided to hook her up with marriage so she basically got married while we were dating.. this was a few months back. She never came clean and told me even when I confronted her, so I havent spoken to her since. So I just got back into the game in April again.
preraph Posted July 7, 2019 Posted July 7, 2019 ^^^ If you're confident that SHE is COMMITTED (NOT HER ROLE because she's the one with the ovaries) to meeting you after finals, then fine, hold off. I was using 'drop on' as slang for 'say to'. Sorry for causing confusion. And preraph posted as I was typing .... Dang, preraph, what is there about this kid that 'us seniors' seem to be so willing to give him pointers? Is this like watching a rom-com and shouting at the screen 'Kiss her already!'? Haha. I don't know, but for some reason, your "Kiss her already" reminded me of the old movie "When Harry Met Sally." I guess I was the only one who saw it and thought it was cringeworthy instead of cute.
Inspire Posted July 7, 2019 Posted July 7, 2019 Ever since last Sunday(when they went to the fest) convos were very drifted apart/weird, as I asked her on that afternoon how're things going and she said ok and I said awh what's wrong and didn't say anything after. Probably because she was expecting you to have been there instead of texting her like a penpal. She didn't forget, you just chose to let her come to you when she had already put in the legwork of initiating a meetup. Should she have suggested an alternative date when she couldn't meet due to her family obligation? Yes, but you have to realize a lot of women take a back seat in that arena when first meeting a guy. Women are afraid of rejection. They aren't used to putting themselves out there and many expect the guy to take the lead. Right or wrong, that's how it is.
Author Darky820 Posted July 8, 2019 Author Posted July 8, 2019 Probably because she was expecting you to have been there instead of texting her like a penpal. She didn't forget, you just chose to let her come to you when she had already put in the legwork of initiating a meetup. Should she have suggested an alternative date when she couldn't meet due to her family obligation? Yes, but you have to realize a lot of women take a back seat in that arena when first meeting a guy. Women are afraid of rejection. They aren't used to putting themselves out there and many expect the guy to take the lead. Right or wrong, that's how it is. Fair enough, I suppose I messed up there and waited for her whereas I should've taken a better lead. What's the approach now? Just let it play out and see where it goes?
nospam99 Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 ^^^ You've already said you are going to respect her focus on finals. Next step? My suggestion: IMMEDIATELY after finals offer to take her 'out' (my ice cream idea is low key and can easily be 'upgraded' to a meal) to 'celebrate'. 1
Inspire Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 Fair enough, I suppose I messed up there and waited for her whereas I should've taken a better lead. What's the approach now? Just let it play out and see where it goes? Yea, let it play out. When are the finals? After her finals set a date and time to meet. Keep it simple. If she pulls away a bit between now and then don't sweat it. Once you two actually get to meet everything will work itself out one way or another.
Author Darky820 Posted July 8, 2019 Author Posted July 8, 2019 Yea, let it play out. When are the finals? After her finals set a date and time to meet. Keep it simple. If she pulls away a bit between now and then don't sweat it. Once you two actually get to meet everything will work itself out one way or another. I was hanging out with her friend(since we're pretty close/catch up time to time) a few weeks back and she was telling me finals end next weekend, so I'm assuming its next weekend. Should I wait till she tells me she's done exams, etc then go from there?
ChatroomHero Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 Whenever you get the slow twisting in the wind, it's time to check out. You can really want to know "why", but, 1.) You'll never really know. 2.) It doesn't matter. Sometimes I think texting too long without meeting really kills everything. The exciting part is meeting in person and interacting. The excitement from text is over quickly and then it becomes a chore. The longer it goes, it allows the person to change their mind, feel like it's too much effort to date. It becomes hard to say, "let's forget about it", so you get the slow twisting...After finals I'll be free...After my family is gone I'll be free...after xxx I'll be free...When those things pop up, it's basically the other person pushing it off and not being overly excited about it anymore. It's a way to temporarily push it off without having to be a bad guy or dealing with it. I'd move on and not put much effort in it. If she comes back, great. It just doesn't sound like she will. 1
Author Darky820 Posted July 8, 2019 Author Posted July 8, 2019 Whenever you get the slow twisting in the wind, it's time to check out. You can really want to know "why", but, 1.) You'll never really know. 2.) It doesn't matter. Sometimes I think texting too long without meeting really kills everything. The exciting part is meeting in person and interacting. The excitement from text is over quickly and then it becomes a chore. The longer it goes, it allows the person to change their mind, feel like it's too much effort to date. It becomes hard to say, "let's forget about it", so you get the slow twisting...After finals I'll be free...After my family is gone I'll be free...after xxx I'll be free...When those things pop up, it's basically the other person pushing it off and not being overly excited about it anymore. It's a way to temporarily push it off without having to be a bad guy or dealing with it. I'd move on and not put much effort in it. If she comes back, great. It just doesn't sound like she will. Yeah I suppose this makes sense. And the whole meetup thing.. We were both pretty busy and didn't happen quick enough I suppose. I should've tried to be more engaging towards it before when she invited out the first time. I guess we'll see what happens, for now I'll step back a bit.
ChatroomHero Posted July 9, 2019 Posted July 9, 2019 Yeah I suppose this makes sense. And the whole meetup thing.. We were both pretty busy and didn't happen quick enough I suppose. I should've tried to be more engaging towards it before when she invited out the first time. I guess we'll see what happens, for now I'll step back a bit. As far as the busy thing, generally everyone is always busy with something. If they are way into you, they'll move mountains to make time. I've always felt, get the in person meet out of the way asap. If you do and she is interested, she will practically beg to meet again. If she doesn't or still slow plays it, I can guarantee the interest is low. If it is just texting, you won't really be able to tell either way.
Recommended Posts