Things took a slight turn in a recent getting to know a new girl!

July 6, 2019

A friend of mine who I've known for years knows I got out of a relationship and she has a friend that's single and my friend one day messages me and asks me if I'd be down to go out/get to know her friend and I said sure why not!

So me and her friend start talking just around 2 weeks ago, and tbh the conversation is going well we were talking daily etc etc and things were fine getting to know each other and there was no dry moment or anything we both gave nice and detailed replies when replying to each other and being super cute n cheesy time to time. Which is what I really enjoyed tbh! After few days of talking, she told me her friend, the mutual one and her will be going to a Rib Fest near me during the coming weekend(which was last Sunday Jun 29) and that I should join her and her friend. So I say sure why not, keep me posted and I'll come hang! Days go by and it's Saturday still haven't been updated on the whole rib fest thing and I'm not gonna be beg and ask her hey is it still happening bla bla bc she's the one that asked me so she should be the one letting me know. Vice versa, if I ask her to hang I should be the one to finalize/confirm etc and let her know. Now it's Sunday, my boys are going to a concert which I wasn't planning on going bc I thought I was going to meet a cool girl but it's Sunday afternoon and she hasn't replied or anything to me so I ended up going to the concert.

Last weekend Sunday she just completely doesn't reply to my text from the night before. Which is weird bc before this she'd always reply in the morning, saying good morning etc or sorry I fell asleep didn't get to respond from the night before.

So I message her Sunday afternoon and I'm like hey how are u etc etc, she tells me she's ok how I am and I said why only ok what's wrong? I don't get a reply after that.

So obviously I don't wanna be up someone's ass as I'm not that person, I let her be.

I message her/my friend our mutual friend that hooked us up sorta, I'm like hey is she okay she seemed sorta off and it was weird. She says 'ya she's fine apparently u didn't message her and she thinks you're mad at her so u should message her '. She ignored my message and I was never mad at her, not sure what there was something for me to be mad about.

Anyways, this past Wednesday I message her and ask her... Hey are you free later this week Thursday or Friday. She says she's free Friday afternoon and so I say okay let's hangout and she says sure can't wait.

Then on Thursday night she messages me saying her family is coming over on Friday and she can't see me anymore and that they told her this on Thursday so she had no idea on the Wednesday (day before) when we finalized hanging out together.

She tells me it's not 100% sure if her family is coming or not and that she will know Friday afternoon. I said sure not an issue let me know!

Friday afternoon she tells me that her family is coming and she can't see me today, I said Ah ok no worries, next time!

She responds ok sweetie I'm sorry and shows me a picture of convo with her family confirming they are coming. I say don't worry I believe you, enjoy the day with your fam! Then she tells me "I don't want you to think I'm flopping I hate that stuff " I say "No, not at all you have a valid reason, things can come up there's always a next time ". She didn't respond after/since this.

What to do now?

So I don't understand what exactly happened? Everything was going super well since we first started texting and getting to know eachother and yet we still haven't even been able to meet up in person and get to know eachother on that level. It even went from her saying to me "I feel special my friend introduced me to you etc etc" to becoming a complete ghost.

Do I still message her or wait til she messages me?

The only thing we've communicated via since we stopped texting a whole lot was Snapchat and that's about it

Since I already tried to make plans shouldn't it be her this time trying to make time for us to hang?

How do I approach this situation?

July 6, 2019

Sounds to me like she's apprehensive about meeting you in person for some reason, and it probably has nothing to do with you. Maybe she's insecure?

July 6, 2019

I think she wants you to pursue her a little harder. Some people need to feel wanted. If you are interested do persue. But if not stay away because you are already off to a rough start.

July 6, 2019

Sounds to me like she's apprehensive about meeting you in person for some reason, and it probably has nothing to do with you. Maybe she's insecure?

Well I mean.. if that was the case she wouldn't have asked me to come to Rib Fest last weekend but even though she never let me know after it could be simply that she forgot? & We were supposed to hangout yesterday but that didnt workout due to a valid reason because of her family coming to see her, fine I get that. But shouldnt that mean that she should give me alternate dates/options right away for not being able to meet on the day we planned to?

Last thing, our convos via Texting was going great up until last Sunday and since then it felt like a chore or like more of acquaintance vibe vs how it felt natural and fun before.

July 6, 2019

I think she wants you to pursue her a little harder. Some people need to feel wanted. If you are interested do persue. But if not stay away because you are already off to a rough start.

So are you saying I should be the one to hit her up, etc? and not wait for her? Despite how things have been since last weekend?

I get the whole feeling the need to be wanted, but there comes a time where it feels like something is one sided and atm it feels like im the one giving and giving which makes it seem like one sided and not two way street and that sorta pushes me back.

Also if I do pursue her, will she feel like im being too "despo" etc etc? What is a good approach I can take on pursuing this from this current sticky situation?

Edited July 6, 2019 by Darky820

July 6, 2019

Yep I think you should. That is if you are indeed interested.

She sounds like she is the kind of girl who is either used to it that way or wants it that way.

However are you willing to be the initiator all the time? Only you can answer that question.

July 6, 2019

Yep I think you should. That is if you are indeed interested.
She sounds like she is the kind of girl who is either used to it that way or wants it that way.

However are you willing to be the initiator all the time? Only you can answer that question.

All I Know about her previous dating record is she dated someone for 4-5 years before and it ended badly, there was a lot of ****ed up **** like abusive bf related etc. So her friend told me beforehand shes not someone for hookup but rather wants someone serious and which I am up for!

Now the initiating part, I dont mind it but before when we first started talking she was initiating a lot as well so it felt 50/50 or rather natural.

Now one thing recently, her responses and what not is definitely not the same vibe/type as they used to be for like the first 7-8 days of talking vs now. What can I do about this?

July 6, 2019

Forget about her.....that's what you do.

July 6, 2019

Forget about her.....that's what you do.

This, Ive put some thought to this. But would you elaborate on why based on your POV?

July 6, 2019

This, Ive put some thought to this. But would you elaborate on why based on your POV?

I have been around the block a few times....and what I know is that if you start hearing excuses, it's time to move on.

July 6, 2019

I have been around the block a few times....and what I know is that if you start hearing excuses, it's time to move on.

The excuse about her family coming over was authentic and legit, she did show me proof(convo pics) not like I asked for them but she showed me them and tol d me "Just so you believe me". I also got snapchat from her at church with her family earlier today.

Now the excuse of family etc I can understand, but Im just a little confused as to how/why things went south from last weekend when it came to us texting/conversation compared to before when things were going perfectly fine.

Edited July 6, 2019 by Darky820

July 6, 2019

I know it's early to have any kind of confrontation with her but I would need to know why she didn't contact me after inviting me to Ribfest and let me know the details. I think I would do it in a conversational way such as, I was expecting to hear from you to get the details about going to Ribfest. I was looking forward to it. What happened?

July 6, 2019

When they don't see you....time to move on. I know that when you are really into someone you make time to see them...she's blowin you off.

July 6, 2019

I think you are putting way too much importance on social media/messaging. Also you are the man so yes you should be the one leading, initiating.

Ask her out on a specific day.

July 7, 2019

I know it's early to have any kind of confrontation with her but I would need to know why she didn't contact me after inviting me to Ribfest and let me know the details. I think I would do it in a conversational way such as, I was expecting to hear from you to get the details about going to Ribfest. I was looking forward to it. What happened?

I was kind of thinking of asking her something like this:

"Also, is everything okay? Ever since like last weekend you seemed a little off and not yourself sorta at least that's what I felt.. which put me off for a bit."

July 7, 2019

I think you are putting way too much importance on social media/messaging. Also you are the man so yes you should be the one leading, initiating.

Ask her out on a specific day.

Well, I tried for yesterday and it didn't work out due to circumstances. Do you still think I should pursue a 2nd meetup and not rely on her at all to bring it up etc.

July 7, 2019

I'd leave her alone ... and just be careful about assuming texting with chemistry equals anything more than texting with chemistry.

July 7, 2019

She’s confused

The ex is probably still in the picture or on her mind

July 7, 2019

A little update on the whole thing:

Since it was on my chest and things took a different turn since last weekend.. I messaged her and asked her If everything was okay, as she seemed a little off from before.

She said Shes been over the place lately with family, sister, work, school finals and that she deals with stress badly so she was sorry if she's been off.

I let her know that's okay and that I gave her space, and that she can talk to me whenever for whatever issue related and I told her to let me know when she's free so we can do something to take her mind off of things. She promised after her finals she'll make plans(we'll see as I won't count on it).

We spoke after for a bit but we'll see what happens since it sorta bothered me I figured id get things off my chest and now if things go a different route from here. that's fine I can walk away knowing I said what I needed to.

July 7, 2019

I think I would keep trucking and not hold you breath here, OP.

She is busy, and stressed. That's understandable. But trust me that when we ladies really like a guy, we are generally going to make some time to at least keep in touch and express a bit more enthusiasm. You usually wouldn't feel compelled to ask if everything is okay (assuming you're an otherwise secure guy who doesn't need a lot of reassurance) because she'd be giving you enough indication that she was still on board.

July 7, 2019

IMHO (this whole post is MHO) - Your first and HUGE mistake: failing to follow up and confirm the rib fest - that was on YOU because you're the one with the testicles. That is an ''I'm not really interested'' signal to some (most?) women.

Second (and here, as an old (65) guy, I've been advised to 'get with the times') how exactly have you been 'talking'? This 'old guy' has a communication hierarchy: OLD message (which doesn't apply in your case), email, text, phone, in person. From your posts (correct me if I'm wrong) you're on text. Maybe for 'you youngsters' text shows enough interest. Not for me. If I'm trying to date a woman, I want to hear her voice and let her hear mine. And see her face, too.

Third: have you been asking for a 'rain check'? For example 'Are you going to be free to do something with me after your family leaves?' Do you know when her finals are over (here in the US regular semester finals were done 2 months ago so I assume she's talking about a summer session.)?

July 7, 2019

When I was first just dabbling in dating and wasn't interested in a guy, I had used excuses too so that he would get tired of waiting. Immature, yeah, but it felt safer in that moment. I've since learned from it and have been honest with guys I'm not into.

She's showing symptoms of not being interested.

July 7, 2019

If she's interested she'll make time to see you; plain and simple. With that said, she took the lead in initiating a meetup. You were completely passive in asking her out up until that point and then waiting on her to give you details about the event. You played it cool and got a cool response.

Did you two talk about that Sunday at all? Did she ask what you ended up doing, or did you ask her about how Ribfest was?

When you found out about her family obligation why didn't you make arrangements to meet another day then and there?

Now you've gone completely passive and told her "let me know when you're free" ...

July 7, 2019

IMHO (this whole post is MHO) - Your first and HUGE mistake: failing to follow up and confirm the rib fest - that was on YOU because you're the one with the testicles. That is an ''I'm not really interested'' signal to some (most?) women.

Second (and here, as an old (65) guy, I've been advised to 'get with the times') how exactly have you been 'talking'? This 'old guy' has a communication hierarchy: OLD message (which doesn't apply in your case), email, text, phone, in person. From your posts (correct me if I'm wrong) you're on text. Maybe for 'you youngsters' text shows enough interest. Not for me. If I'm trying to date a woman, I want to hear her voice and let her hear mine. And see her face, too.

Third: have you been asking for a 'rain check'? For example 'Are you going to be free to do something with me after your family leaves?' Do you know when her finals are over (here in the US regular semester finals were done 2 months ago so I assume she's talking about a summer session.)?

You're right about the first one, I just figured since I told her to keep me posted and she told me sounds like a plan.. I counted on her but I guess I should've just asked her to confirm either way. Usually, when someone makes plans with me they follow up so I figured that's the case here but it clearly wasn't.

Second: We spoke via text yes, I never called her or phones her and she never did that to me either. Maybe I just figured since I never met her Idk how it'd be like calling her or something? Idk haha

Third: I didn't ask for an alternate day after her family leaves, I already tried making plans and it didn't work out and since she doesn't feel like I'm up her ass to see her or whatever; I figured she can let me know another alternate day? wouldn't that be the most logical thing for her to do? Her finals are done end of next weekend(2nd weekend of July).. and yes she's taking summer courses.

AND I do agree with you, even as me being a youngster.. I hate the whole texting game as emotions properly can never be shown and so, therefore, that's why I wanted to meet up and find out who she is/her true self and for her to see that side of me as well.

If she's interested she'll make time to see you; plain and simple. With that said, she took the lead in initiating a meetup. You were completely passive in asking her out up until that point and then waiting on her to give you details about the event. You played it cool and got a cool response.

Did you two talk about that Sunday at all? Did she ask what you ended up doing, or did you ask her about how Ribfest was?

When you found out about her family obligation why didn't you make arrangements to meet another day then and there?

Now you've gone completely passive and told her "let me know when you're free" ...

Ever since last Sunday(when they went to the fest) convos were very drifted apart/weird, as I asked her on that afternoon how're things going and she said ok and I said awh what's wrong and didn't say anything after. So noo, I never ended up asking her about the Sunday/Rib Fest. I guess looking back at now, I should've asked her about rib fest confirmation from before but at the same time when we spoke about the rib fest I told her okay keep me posted and she said sounds like a plan. and well... I thought she seems like a mature girl and so she should be able to follow up when she clearly told me she would.. soo I didn't give too much thought into me going and asking her about it beforehand.

As much as I thought about her family coming over/causing it an issue... yes, I could've asked her for an alternate day right then but at the same time I also took the initiative to ask her to hang already so shouldn't it be on her hand to give me an alternate day? I know if I was in her position and I had to cancel I'd right then give another alternate day or work something else out.

Yes.. you're right about the passive thing of "let me know when ur free", I am not the type of person constantly up someone's ass about something if I feel a different/weird vibe and since I already tried to do something and I figured I should just let her let me know bc I don't wanna have set up plans with her and it fails or something again. Does that make sense?

Edited July 7, 2019 by Darky820

July 7, 2019

I agree with both the guys commenting that you should be initiating with her more

I think she was ok with asking you to hang out because things were just getting started and it was through friends and enough of a friend vibe that that was ok. Now i think she is expecting you to take the lead. It's not weak or desperate at all to be the guy who does the initiating. If she is saying yes, responding or working out a schedule with you to keep things going, she is interested. I find it so interesting that you think it would be desperate to pursue her. I know some guys believe that--meanwhile, guy guys typically see something they want and go after it.

Desperate is handing your whole life and schedule over to some new girl or pursuing them when they are effectively giving you "NO" answers or not positive responses to your attempts. Up until now, I think you've taken the passive (girl) role and she was starting to feel like she has been chasing you. It's hard to tell if she is over you in general or allowing you the opportunity to pick up the slack. I think she is allowing you to pick up the slack because of the whole sending you screen shots of how her family thing got in the way of your friday plans (if she didn't like you I doubt she would go to that effort to reassure you). And I'm optimistic like that! Anyway, pursue her, initiate with her. Good luck

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