Starstuff1992 Posted July 6, 2019 Posted July 6, 2019 Hi all, I was dating a man on and off since November of 2018. I ended things with him twice. The first time was because he was snapping at me over stupid stuff, and I didn’t know how to react. He messaged me a few months after and apologized saying he was under a lot of stress, and regretted how he treated me. I decided to give it another chance. He really was a lot better, and things were going well. However, I got some medical news and it sent my life into a spiral. I didn’t know how to continue dating him and deal with the news at the same time. I did tell him about it, and he was very supportive, but I still ended things. I felt like my head was spinning 24/7 and I didn’t know how to let him in enough to continue seeing him. I really regret this now. I wish I would have let him in more. I’ve dated one guy since, and nothing compares to the connection and chemistry I had with the first guy. He texted me last weekend, and we ended up talking and having sex. Now he seems distant, and says he needs time to think about whether he can trust me again and get over the hurt I caused by ending things twice. Am I being used? I know the sex probably wasn’t the best idea and probably complicated things a lot. I feel like the sex brought up a lot of feelings for both of us. While for me I’m sure I want to be with him, I think now he is struggling with his feelings for me and being scared of getting hurt again. What do you think the best course of action is? Should I try to win him back or give him space? I really want to fight for him, but also want him to come to this decision on his own Thanks in advance
d0nnivain Posted July 6, 2019 Posted July 6, 2019 Since you want him back, I think you should make the effort. Call him. Arrange a date. See where things go. Explain that the medical news rocked you & you are sorry you couldn't be more open to his help but you were scared. You gave him a 2nd chance. Hopefully he will give you one too. You won't regret trying but you will regret not trying. 1
The Outlaw Posted July 6, 2019 Posted July 6, 2019 It came as a shock to him when you let him go when you learned what he did and he likely didn't know what to think or how to process it. Post sex, there are now more serious feelings involved and it may scare him. But give him a little time (not too much) and then contact him and see where to go from there. 1
alphamale Posted July 6, 2019 Posted July 6, 2019 What do you think the best course of action is? deal with your medical issue(s) first 1
kendahke Posted July 6, 2019 Posted July 6, 2019 I've only read the title and two things come to mind: 1. You can't get anyone back who doesn't want to be back with you. 2. No one likes being manipulated. Now working from that premise, I'll finish reading.
kendahke Posted July 6, 2019 Posted July 6, 2019 Hi all, I was dating a man on and off since November of 2018. I ended things with him twice. He texted me last weekend, and we ended up talking and having sex. What were your expectations after having had sex with him after not dealing with him since you broke up with him? What did you think the sex signified? Now he seems distant, and says he needs time to think about whether he can trust me again and get over the hurt I caused by ending things twice. I think he was seeing if the break up was actually a blessing in disguise and he's struggling with the notion that it probably was. Am I being used? That depends upon what your agenda was going in and if you accomplished it. If you had, this thread wouldn't be here. If you didn't, then you're going to say you were used when you agreed to everything that resulted in you having sex with him. The truth of the matter is: a guy you dumped twice is now in the position to determine the viability of your involvement and he's quite right to not want to take any more emotional chances with you--and unfortunately for you, the sex probably confirmed that decision and he hasn't figured out how to tell you. While for me I’m sure I want to be with him, I think now he is struggling with his feelings for me and being scared of getting hurt again. and rightfully so. What do you think the best course of action is? Should I try to win him back or give him space? I really want to fight for him, but also want him to come to this decision on his own Thanks in advance[/QUOtE] Leave things as they are and see if he has unprompted interest enough to reach out and maintain equilibrium. If he doesn't want you, the rest of all of this is pointless. I wouldn't hold out hope, giving that you've dumped him, sweet-talked him back once and burned him a second time. Doesn't matter what your reasons and intentions were: he felt the lash, not you.
Normm Posted July 6, 2019 Posted July 6, 2019 You talk about getting him back or worse yet "winning him back" as if he's a circus fair booth prize or a pet rabbit regrettably returned to the pet store. You dump him at will for questionable reasons then decide you want to play with him again like the red fire truck that the other kid is using and you're bored with the colored blocks. Figure yourself our first before dragging someone else into your volatility and treat others as people with their own thoughts and feelings not objects to satisfy your needs. Or, develop strategies to "win back the prize" and rinse and repeat on a few weeks or months when you get bored or decide he isn't worth of your attention because of something he said or you've got some drama on your life that is consuming you. You sound rather selfish. 2
Author Starstuff1992 Posted July 6, 2019 Author Posted July 6, 2019 You talk about getting him back or worse yet "winning him back" as if he's a circus fair booth prize or a pet rabbit regrettably returned to the pet store. You dump him at will for questionable reasons then decide you want to play with him again like the red fire truck that the other kid is using and you're bored with the colored blocks. Figure yourself our first before dragging someone else into your volatility and treat others as people with their own thoughts and feelings not objects to satisfy your needs. Or, develop strategies to "win back the prize" and rinse and repeat on a few weeks or months when you get bored or decide he isn't worth of your attention because of something he said or you've got some drama on your life that is consuming you. You sound rather selfish. It’s really not fair of you to judge me like that based on a single post. I broke up with him the first time because he made some terrible jokes about using me for a blowjob, and got mad at me for being ten minutes late because I was on the phone with my mom about my aunt who was in hospice at the time. I don’t think those are “questionable reasons.” I was genuinely concerned about his lack of empathy. After getting back with him the second time I realized that he truly did change. However, like I said, the medical news was a lot for me and I didn’t want him to have to deal with the emotional roller coaster. I didn’t think it was fair to him because we were only dating at the time and not in a relationship I don’t think of him as some toy to dispose of when I’m bored. He is someone I genuinely care greatly about, which is why I am trying to go about this the right way. Feelings were hurt, and I take responsibility for that. But I truly care about him, and want a second chance just like I gave him a second chance.
smackie9 Posted July 6, 2019 Posted July 6, 2019 Firstly you were not used. You were a willing participant. Sex in not a currency to buy you loyalty, commitment or a relationship. Under no circumstances is he obligated to you just because you had sex. Getting him back is going to be a process of honesty, openness and real effort. It’s not what he can do for you, it’s what can you do for him to prove you are in it 110%. 2
Normm Posted July 6, 2019 Posted July 6, 2019 (edited) It’s really not fair of you to judge me like that based on a single post. It's all I got. I broke up with him the first time because he made some terrible jokes about using me for a blowjob, and got mad at me for being ten minutes late because I was on the phone with my mom about my aunt who was in hospice at the time. I don’t think those are “questionable reasons.” Well I do. If you have an issue with the way he's talking to you then you tell him you will not be spoken to in that fashion, it's disrespectful and a dealbreaker. If he continues then you consider your options and make a decision based on his unwillingness to modify his behavior based on your feedback and requests. I don't agree that it's reasonable to brak up with the guy because he got a bit short with you on a couple of occasions. People lose their temper, it happens. If it's all the time, or approaching abusive, that's another matter, however that is not what you described in your one post. I was genuinely concerned about his lack of empathy. After getting back with him the second time I realized that he truly did change. No, he did not truly change during the relatively short time you were apart. People can change but it takes years, if ever; especially when we're older, and a real wish to change as well as being self aware, and self critical, and knowing what needs to be changed. That rarely happens if ever without the assistance of a trained therapist or possibly a caring partner who is effective with communication. the medical news was a lot for me and I didn’t want him to have to deal with the emotional roller coaster. I didn’t think it was fair to him because we were only dating at the time and not in a relationship Please. You certainly did NOT break up with him to "spare him the feelings of having to deal with a woman on an emotional roller coaster". You broke up with him because that was the best course of action for you and your perceived needs at that particular moment in time. Until of course you decided it wasn't. Now you want the firetruck back. Not because you care about the firetruck, but because you think it will be fun to ring the bells. But I truly care about him, and want a second chance just like I gave him a second chance. I think it's a 3rd chance? Your second and third chances are draconian. You dump the guy because he gets annoyed at you or makes bad jokes and when you "take him back" you think of yourself as being gracious for giving so many chances. I know I'm making judgement calls on relatively little information but your posts define a woman who is "high maintenance". Edited July 6, 2019 by Normm
Foxhall Posted July 6, 2019 Posted July 6, 2019 It’s really not fair of you to judge me like that based on a single post. I broke up with him the first time because he made some terrible jokes about using me for a blowjob, and got mad at me for being ten minutes late because I was on the phone with my mom about my aunt who was in hospice at the time. I don’t think those are “questionable reasons.” I was genuinely concerned about his lack of empathy. First impressions are usually the most accurate, I would not like any bloke to say something like that to any of my "friend girls" you should never have taken him back and should banish him now once and for all, you can do better.
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