Boyfriend hasn't spoken to me in a week I’m so upset with myself

[NolanTyle]

My boyfriend has been going through financial turmoil for the past few months. He’s been looking for a second job but it’s really not working out for him right now. I’ve been very supportive of him through these months and I plan on continuing to stick it out with him. I give him small things like soap, waving powder or I’ll just let him was over my house so he can save money

 

 

 

About a week ago I asked my boyfriend close female friend (Sharon) for some advice. I asked her what ways can I help my boyfriend cook more at home and motivate him to save money because he’s borrowing money from people and I don’t want him in bigger debt. I want to help me save not spend. So we discussed ways I could help and small things that would help him save money. Last week my boyfriend called and told me Sharon told him i was talking about him behind his back. She told my boyfriend I called her and told her my boyfriend was a bum he borrows money from everyone. She told him i called him lazy and other things. She portrayed it to him like i was talking about him just to talk about him not telling him that i was seeking advice on how to help him more

 

 

And my boyfriend believes her over me because he does borrow money from people. I tried to tell him what really happened and it seemed like he believed me but i could tell he was sad. We talked for about an hour about what happened we talked about our weekends and I asked him “when can I see you again so we can talk face to face” and he said “I have a few things to do this week but I’ll let you know when I’m free” and i said “goodnight” I texted him the other day and called and no response or anything and I 100% believe he’s really mad at me. I really love him with all of my heart and I don’t want this to be the end and I’ll cant seem to forgive myself for discussing his financial problems with someone else

 

i confronted my boyfriends friend and her response was “why do I care if people know that my boyfriend is struggling” she really made it seem like she was obligated to tell and then she lied on top of everything

[preraph]

Well, now you know her allegiance is to him and she doesn't like you very much. She may be after him even if he's totally uninterested, or she may just be one of those people who likes to get others in trouble.

 

Of course he doesn't like you telling anyone he's borrowing money and stuff, even presuming they already know. He's embarrassed. So he's feeling like a failure and choking on it, basically.

 

What's done is done.

 

But here's the bigger issue. You are not his mother. You do not need to think of ways to covertly save him. This is where it got you. Becoming someone's parental figure is extremely unsexy and humiliating. Maybe the best way to help him save money right now is just leave him be for awhile and let him get his life together. For God's sake, don't lend him money. Don't start paying his stuff for him. Leave him alone and give him space and let him get through it so he has some self-respect left once he comes out the other side instead of owing it all to someone else. Don't insist on seeing him and just let him set the pace. Stay in touch but in nonpressuring, nonmotherly ways. Let him know he's sexy or whatever but never to the point it become suspicious. Maybe find something that won't cost either of you a dime to ask him for help on, like tightening a doorknob, and give him a chance to volunteer to help you with that, which should make him feel a little useful and be good for his self-esteem right now. Again, don't overdo it.

[NolanTyle]

Well, now you know her allegiance is to him and she doesn't like you very much. She may be after him even if he's totally uninterested, or she may just be one of those people who likes to get others in trouble......

 

I have already given my boyfriend money. He doesn’t take my advice i wan Ted someone closer to try and help him because i just want him financially to do better. I’m not trying to be his mother. I didn’t tell her maliciously to talk about my boyfriend. I have literally held his hand this entire time he’s been going through so I don’t understand why he’s ignoring me i haven’t left him even though it’s been hard

Edited July 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[kendahke]

1. Sharon means you no good. Stop discussing anything with her

2. Discussing your boyfriend's finances with anyone is really a bad idea, no matter how good your believe your intentions to be.

 

He may not want anyone knowing his financial business and now you've put it in the street to the wrong person because she weaponized it and used it against you.

 

Next time you want to do some help, contact a disinterested party, not someone they're already close with because you have no clue as to their motives and feelings since you came on the scene. This was probably what she's been laying in wait for since you appeared.

[NolanTyle]

1. Sharon means you no good. .....

 

 

Thanks for replying I didn’t think she would do this. I am sorry and I want to make it up to my boyfriend and tell him I didn’t mean it like that but he isn’t giving me a chance. I have been by his side these past few months and i don’t plan on leaving. Is there anything I can do ? I feel awful

Edited July 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[NolanTyle]

I just feel terrible I didn’t it mean it the way she portrayed. I’m sorry and I’ve tried apologizing but he’s not saying a word to me. I’ve been by his side these past few months helping him because sometimes he has asked and I love him. I made a huge mistake

[LoverOfDance]

Smh, good on you for trying to be a loyal gf.

 

However, some ppl deserve your loyalty and some ppl do not. Your bf does NOT deserve your loyalty.

 

Why are you chasing after him? He believed his friend over you and is now treating you like crap. He clearly doesn't trust you.

 

Why are you using love as an excuse to accept bad treatment from a so called lover?

 

Smh, please walk away from this guy. You deserve better. A real bf will appreciate your efforts to stay by his side. A real bf will not treat you this way. Please don't waste anymore time or money on this boy.

[ExpatInItaly]

It was a very unwise move discussing his financial struggles with her to begin with, OP. I think that is what he's most upset about - it's humiliating and demoralizing for him. It also comes across as you believing he's not adult enough to know how to navigate this difficult time so you're involving third parties.

 

The way she portrayed it was wrong, to be perfectly clear. However, the bigger mistake was airing his private business like this in the first place. Even if his friends already knew things were tough, it was really not your place to speak to them about it.

 

I am wondering why you chose to do so, and why this specific friend? Were you close to her before, or?

 

Anyway, I don't think there's much more you can do right now. He is clearly not in the right headspace to speak at the moment. You could try calling once more, but then I would take a step back and let him come to you when he's ready.

[NolanTyle]

Smh, good on you for trying to be a loyal gf........

 

 

Idk, I’ve tried to help him any time he asked or needed help. I don’t understand how he believable her over someone who has literally gave him so much doing these hard times. It’s not easy but I’ve stuck with him and he knows it i never turned my back on him and he knows it i just wanted someone to motivate him to work more hours and help him save

Edited July 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

Lend a person money and they end up resenting you nine-tenths of the time. He already feels that even if he saves himself, you'll feel like you save him instead, whether that's true or not. It's about self-esteem.

 

Stop enabling him and propping him up. See what he will do when it's all up to him. If he wants help, he can ask you. But giving him money is just a bad idea.

[NolanTyle]

It was a very unwise move discussing his financial struggles with her to begin with, OP. I think that is what he's most upset about - it's humiliating and demoralizing for him. It also comes across as you believing he's not adult enough to know how to navigate this difficult time so you're involving third parties....

 

 

My boyfriend has a hard time signing up for OT. So i wanted his friend to try and motivate him because he needs a push that’s all. He also says he wanted to try getting a 2nd job so i asked her could she help him apply at a few places since she’s a temp service personnel. I asked her because they are close and so i felt like she’s help him slot more than I could.

 

I’m so confused I’ve given my bf money, he asked me to take out a loan for him, I’ve given him so many things these past few months and he took her side... i don’t ... i can’t understand

Edited July 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[NolanTyle]

Lend a person money and they end up resenting you nine-tenths of the time.....

 

He asked for money

Edited July 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LoverOfDance]

@expatinitaly - Why are you ignoring the fact that her bf believed his friend over her.

 

This is a big red flag. You advise her to give him one more call when he clearly doesn't trust her.

 

How can a relationship survive without trust?

 

Op reached out to her bf's BEST friend for advise on how to help her bf survive hard times.

 

Op, you haven't really done anything so bad as to warrant the treatment you are getting.

[ExpatInItaly]

I’m so confused I’ve given my bf money, he asked me to take out a loan for him, I’ve given him so many things these past few months and he took her side... i don’t ... i can’t understand

 

Did you take out that loan? How much money have you given him, at an estimate?

 

How long have you been together?

[NolanTyle]

Op, you haven't really done anything so bad as to warrant the treatment you are getting.

 

 

 

I feel that way I’m so hurt like he knows I’d do anything for him and i wouldn’t talk about him negatively for the hell of it

Edited July 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[NolanTyle]

Did you take out that loan? How much money have you given him, at an estimate?

 

How long have you been together?

 

I gave him $350 for rent and my loan didn’t get approved so I couldn’t take it out. And over 2yrs

[ExpatInItaly]

@expatinitaly - Why are you ignoring the fact that her bf believed his friend over her.

 

Because I don't necessarily agree that this is main reason he is silent now, nor that OP shares no accountability here.

[d0nnivain]

I think by now you understand that it was wrong of you to talk to her about him. You talk about your SO with your friends, not their friends.

 

If you have such a low opinion of him & how he handles money break up with him. More divorces happen over money then anything else. It appears that you think he makes bad financial choices. I tend to agree with your assessment but they are still his choices. If he wants to go into debt you can't stop him & you should stop enabling him. If you want to encourage him to cook more at home, you offer to have dates in & you cook together in big enough qualities that he has leftovers at least until he gets in the habit of whipping something up before getting take out or eating out. Beyond that you hush. As an adult he can spend HIS money / credit any way he wants, even foolishly.

 

Your best option at this point is to sweet talk him. If the roles were reversed I'd suggest a guy send flowers with an apology. Men don't really like getting flowers so send him food or booze with a handwritten apology.

 

You will also have to address how you feel about him believing her over you. You can't really talk to him about it. She came to him & painted a picture of you as a disloyal GF. That colored his perception because she comes across as the caring friend. But her superior position is a red flag here.

[NolanTyle]

@d0nnivain

 

I’ve tried texting and calling but nothing ? And thank you for being honest.

Edited July 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

I’ve tried texting and calling but nothing ? And thank you for being honest.

 

You're welcome but you are going to have to go over there & knock on the door with apology cookies or beer in your hands. If you bring beer add a bow. . . .do something to show it's an apology for betraying his trust.

[NolanTyle]

You will also have to address how you feel about him believing her over you. You can't really talk to him about it. She came to him & painted a picture of you as a disloyal GF. That colored his perception because she comes across as the caring friend. But her superior position is a red flag here.

 

 

 

Why would she do that and she was telling me she would help me help him look for the second job that my boyfriend wanted?

Edited July 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[NolanTyle]

You're welcome but you are going to have to go over there & knock on the door with apology cookies or beer in your hands. If you bring beer add a bow. . . .do something to show it's an apology for betraying his trust.

 

I’m scared he’ll tell me to leave ?? Is there something else I could do to show him I’m sorry ? , i don’t think food would make him feel bettter

[kendahke]

Thanks for replying I didn’t think she would do this. I am sorry and I want to make it up to my boyfriend and tell him I didn’t mean it like that but he isn’t giving me a chance. I have been by his side these past few months and i don’t plan on leaving. Is there anything I can do ? I feel awful

 

You need to let him get over his anger. This was a serious breech of his privacy and he's not going to walk it off on your time table.

 

In the meantime, Sharon has to go. Work on that.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why would she do that and she was telling me she would help me help him look for the second job that my boyfriend wanted?

 

We couldn't possibly begin to guess with much accuracy, as we don't know her or their friendship.

 

Maybe she's never really liked you that much, or she's got the hots for him, and would be happy to see you go. Perhaps she didn't say you called him a bum, and that's merely his own misinterpretation borne out of embarrassment.

 

What was your friendship like with this woman prior to this?

[NolanTyle]

You need to let him get over his anger. This was a serious breech of his privacy and he's not going to walk it off on your time table.

 

In the meantime, Sharon has to go. Work on that.

 

She has been gone! Thank you.