Author Calmandfocused Posted July 6, 2019 Author Posted July 6, 2019 Bang on the money sunlight. Another light bulb moment for me. I’m so used to leading/ managing/ supporting people that it’s nice to throw that hat off in my personal life and let someone else take the lead and “look after me”. But you’re right, that’s opened myself up to be controlled and mistreated. I have to deal with confrontation and fight my corner so often at work that I’m too exhausted to do it again in my relationships. But as you say, I need to up my assertiveness game and stop acting like a compliant little puppy dog thats submissive and obedient. Yep the sex was addictive and yes I enjoyed getting lost in the moment of relinquishing control (of myself too). Surprisingly not selfish, although I suspect that sex with me was fuel for their ego, not because they actually cared whether I enjoyed it or not. Certainly passionate and intense. I do miss sex big time. 1
Author Calmandfocused Posted July 6, 2019 Author Posted July 6, 2019 That was fantastic insight lots going on. I accept that because I’m so used to developing people and bringing out the best in them that I’ve just assumed I can apply this skill in my relationships and “get rid” of bad behaviour. Quite egotistical of me I admit. But what I have realised that I cant, no one can. Even the most expert specialists who work day in, day out with abusers admit that the chances of recovery are slim. Mainly due to very fixed, rigid narcissistic beliefs about how special they are and how everyone else is the problem, not them. You know, on our first date my ex told me that he’d had therapy for “anger problems”. At the time I just dismissed it and thought it wouldn’t be an issue as there wouldn’t be anything to get angry with me about. Boy was I wrong! I certainly will not be doing that from now on. Lots going on, I will take your advice 100%. I will speak up, really listen and pay attention and stop dismissing. I will be critical and keep my eyes and ears wide open. It’s almost like I need to assume they will be abusive until I see evidence that proves to me otherwise. Yes? You know, you must be an excellent/ amazing teacher, you’ve taught me (and I expect so many others) so much from your posts. Carry on the good work. Thank you so much 1
Lotsgoingon Posted July 7, 2019 Posted July 7, 2019 Lots going on, I will take your advice 100%. I will speak up, really listen and pay attention and stop dismissing. I will be critical and keep my eyes and ears wide open. It’s almost like I need to assume they will be abusive until I see evidence that proves to me otherwise. Yes? You know, you must be an excellent/ amazing teacher, you’ve taught me (and I expect so many others) so much from your posts. Carry on the good work. Thank you so much Actually, you would want to speak up ... even if you didn't have a history of ending up with abusers ... The same principle applies for just finding someone you are truly compatible with ... you bring your true self ... they bring their true selves ... you like each other ... and negotiate from there ... But the only way to see if you are compatible is to speak your views and express your preferences. So speaking up is just good dating practice. Dating is as much, if not more, about screening people out. And you can't find someone who likes that quirky idea you have or that quirky preference of yours if you're not speaking up enough to let that person see that side of you. So this is just good dating practice ... and one effect of good dating practice is that you'll screen out abusive types ... But seriously, what you want to do is no different than anyone else should do when dating. Set high standards, express your views, your preferences ... judge the person as they are right now (forget potential!)... and notice any odd behavior even if you don't understand it. Anything that feels strange, note it--even if you can't articulate why this behavior caught your attention. And of course, get more serious if you are overwhelmingly enthusiastic and so are they. And yes, I'm a really good teacher ... and I started practicing some of this stuff with my students about a decade ago--I started to set better boundaries. Don't know what to tell you about missing sex. Maybe have a little confidence that some of those guys who would treat you better could turn you on as well as these other guys. 1
Author Calmandfocused Posted July 7, 2019 Author Posted July 7, 2019 Thank you pp. Lots going on. I owe you a pint! The irony in all of this is: All I ever wanted was a nice, honest, decent bloke who is true to himself, kind, decent respectful and understands what it’s like to love a woman and treat her well. That’s not a lot to ask is it? I know I have a lot to offer to the right man. I’ve been giving my heart over willingly to the wrong ones. Well not anymore! I’ve had enough. I’ve just thought, now I’m committed to dodging the abusers, I’ll probably now run into the ghosters, flakers, and emotionally unavailables like I read so much about on here. But I will reach my end goal .... eventually. There must be men out there who want true and real love like I do. 1
mortensorchid Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 I am the same as you. I think I am too old and unattractive for anyone. Sure, I could probably have a lot of internet dates where you meet someone in a bar, restaurant or coffee shop, have an evening and then never hear a word from them again. I have a great personality, a good sense of humor and work hard, but people don't want to be in a serious relationship with that. They want trashy girls who throw tantrums and keep the drama high at all times. I just have to be happy with myself and keep moving forward, which is what you can and will do. Will history repeat itself? Maybe it will, but recognize it when it's happening and nip it in the bud.
alphamale Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 They want trashy girls who throw tantrums and keep the drama high at all times. who is "They"? 1
rightondude Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 I am kinda surprised that everyone went straight for the OP being the problem or at least the seeker of this behavior. Maybe these 3 men out of the 4 billion out there were the problem? OP are you turning down "nice guys" in order to be with some so called "alpha males" (no slight on our own alphamale of course....) who end up abusing you?
rightondude Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 I have a great personality, a good sense of humor and work hard, but people don't want to be in a serious relationship with that. They want trashy girls who throw tantrums and keep the drama high at all times. I don't know any man who wants a woman like that.
Osho Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 Almost every great success story is based around the successful person challenging the fear of failure. Some say it’s how you know you’re on the right path. Because it scares the living crap out of you.
Author Calmandfocused Posted July 8, 2019 Author Posted July 8, 2019 I am the same as you. I think I am too old and unattractive for anyone. I don’t believe that I’m too old or unattractive. I’m size 8 (Us 4), long blonde hair, fit and I take care of my skin, nails, makeup etc. I’m 40 but guys in their 20s have asked me out - Shame I’m not interested. My 2 boys always tell me I’m a “pretty mummy” so whilst I’ll never be 25 again, I’m not past it by any stretch. I’m also social, confident, bubbly and have a lot of friends. I’m not perfect and I know my faults but I don’t think I have self esteem issues. Some of the things that was said/ done to me by these men could have destroyed my soul if I’d let them. Interestingly, all these abusive men stated that I’m better looking/ better with people than they were. I’ve no doubt that a motivator of their abuse was to destroy my confidence so they could control me more easily. Didn’t work, unfortunately for them.
stillafool Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 As others have said get into therapy to help you establish boundaries. That's your best solution.
Author Calmandfocused Posted July 8, 2019 Author Posted July 8, 2019 OP are you turning down "nice guys" in order to be with some so called "alpha males" (no slight on our own alphamale of course....) who end up abusing you? I wouldn’t know ROD. It’s been such a long time since I’ve been propositioned by a “nice guy” so I certainly haven’t rejected them. All the nice ones are already taken it seems. Especially around my age group.
OnlyHonesty Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 I know I’m too trusting and too forgiving and these guys probably see that in me from the get go. Plus I’m too tolerant of bad behaviours ... Until you rectify those things, there is no point expecting things to be any different. In general, people treat you how you allow them to. The less boundaries you set and enforce, the more some people will do as they please. I'd argue that dating should be a low priority.
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