I'm frightened of dating again

[Calmandfocused]

I feel like Im ready to start dating again and whilst I’m very excited about the prospect of meeting someone nice, I’m also petrified that history will repeat itself and that old patterns will resurface.

 

Over the past 15-17 years I’ve had 3 relationships (one a 10 year marriage), and although I’ve believed them to be different at the time, the reality is that all 3 relationships started and ended exactly the same way. And all 3 men were abusive!

 

Of course the start was always amazing. They presented themselves as wonderful, kind, caring, sociable men, who were besotted with me and couldn’t do enough for me. The chemistry was electrifying, the sex amazing and declarations of love/ adoration were forthcoming and intense.

 

However once the masks came off and the true self’s were revealed it was an entirely different story. I’d be here all day describing the behaviours I endured but narcissistic, sociopathic and controlling behaviours were at the forefront and the nightmare began. Getting out of these relationships and away from these men was incredibly difficult.

 

Needless to say that I’m scared Ill meet the same sort of man again and I really really donÂ’t want someone like this. I’ve said before in previous posts that all I want is a nice, decent man who treats me well and is true to who is he. I don’t want a abuser.

 

I know there is something about me that keeps attracting these individuals. I know IÂ’m too trusting and too forgiving and these guys probably see that in me from the get go. Plus I’m too tolerant of bad behaviours so I’m ripe for the picking it seems.

 

My key aim is to avoid these individuals from the very beginning. I’ve got no place for them in my life and I don’t want them (although I do like the strong chemistry at the beginning). As I said I want a nice man who will be a stable and loving partner. However as it stands at the moment I don’t trust my own judgement.

 

Any advice Loveshackers? Anybody been in my shoes and broke this cycle? Any advice/ thoughts appreciated. Thank you

Edited July 5, 2019 by Calmandfocused
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[d0nnivain]

You need to change yourself. Get some therapy. Figure out why you keep picking the same type. learn to recognize the red flags & avoid them.

[schlumpy]

Any advice Loveshackers? Anybody been in my shoes and broke this cycle? Any advice/ thoughts appreciated. Thank you

 

You have admitted that you fall for the wrong type of guys and after the third one you do not seem to have learned anything but frustration.

 

Is there a close friend, relative, co-worker that you can trust and appears to have a magic relationship touch? Someone you can get advice from, meet your dates, hang out in a group with?

 

Attempt to follow their advice.

 

Or you could go into IC and attempt to discover why you end up in bad relationships. How long that would take depends on you but IC is not designed fix your problem. They work to get you to recognize the problem and come to terms with it. It's only the first step to internal change.

 

Best Wishes

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Hi OP. I feel your pain. I am right there with you. Though my last relationship was not abusive, it was not healthy.

 

I am doing some work on myself and the thing that I have identified that I need to work on is setting boundaries for myself based on what I believe I am worth. And then sticking to the boundaries and learning to walk away when a line has been crossed. No exceptions!

 

You have to risk in order to gain, but knowing your worth and being able to walk away earlier is the key to not getting too tangled in bad relationships.

 

This is how I am working on answering this very same question for myself.

[Lotsgoingon]

Have you gone to therapy to work on this problem?

 

That's the most sensible solution. You simply need to work through what it is that attracts you to these guys ... and blinds you to their potential for abusiveness. In reality, there's a 99 percent chance they hinted at an abusive side early on. You simply don't have the skills yet to interpret that red-flag behavior.

 

But you can learn to pick up abusive tendencies early on. Sometimes these tendencies reveal themselves in undue intensity, in insisting on their way, even if they are offering you a gift or a treat. Sometimes these folks are simply too good at the start of a relationship ...

 

So you have reason to be worried. Go to therapy and you can develop the skill to find a healthy guy ... and you can even set up a system of sorts. I have a buddy of mine who knows all my weaknesses. When ever I get serious, I always have a really blunt conversation with this buddy. She has my permission to speak freely and critically. BTW: one thing abusive people do is sly but inexorably wean you away from friendships and the wisdom and strength you can get from others outside your relationship.

 

Most likely your body is picking up problems early, but you're running roughshod over the signals of discomfort your body is giving out.

 

So no need to give up.

 

Here's a quick exercise. Take the last relationship you were in that got abusive ... go back... through your memories and pick out two or three times when the abusive side was hinted at or more than hinted at ... and you made excuses or came up with story story that explained this behavior. Now imagine stopping things right then and there and calling out the behavior you don't like.

 

But go to therapy and do this systematically. This investment will pay off not just in romantic relationships but in all relationships in your life. Good luck!

[Calmandfocused]

Thank you for the responses so far.

 

The poster who mentioned about boundaries is spot on. I thought I had boundaries (or I like to think I do) but on reflection I obviously don’t. I knew full well when these men were being abusive. However I did what I think a lot of women do in this situation. I’d minimilise, justify, and make excuses for their behaviour. Im very good at empathising and would try and understand rather than attack. I know now that this didn’t help me at all. It just gave a clear message that it was acceptable to treat me in the way they did.

 

I already know why I’m attracted to the love bombing. I have a deep desire to be loved unconditionally. At the time I don’t see it as love bombing. I have the romantic notion that they mean it, are genuine, and are my soul mate.

 

I don’t have any self esteem issues. I don’t believe that I’m unlovable, unattractive, unworthy or not good enough. But maybe there’s something else about myself that I’m not aware of.

 

The important thing is that I break the pattern. I know I need to uphold my boundaries. But I don’t want to meet these people in the first place.

 

How will I know early on? How will I know the difference between what’s fake and what’s real? That’s the difficult part for me.

[littleblackheart]

+1 on going to therapy.

 

Like you I had a knack for picking abusive men.

I didn't find a magic wand but therapy was a god-sent.

 

It took 4 years of therapy to get rid of the guilt, shame, isolation, resentment, inadequacy and profound sadness among other intense emotions.

 

Spoiler 1: it will be a crazy roller-coaster ride. If you go for it, try and ensure that you are surrounded by people who care about you and will support you in the process.

 

Spoiler 2: it is totally worth it! You come out with strength, positivity and renewed faith / hope in the future.

[Calmandfocused]

I haven’t gone to therapy yet no but I’m certainly thinking about it.

 

My friends are really worried about me dating again because of my history. I get their concerns. I have them too.

 

I’m 40 years old. I feel ridiculous having this issue. I never used to in my teens/ early 20s but something happened... obviously.

[littleblackheart]

You're actually being self-aware - that's a good sign!

 

The hardest thing to let go is the 'how could I have been so blind' part, which is another consequence of being abused.

 

I don't know your personal history but I know that abuse = being lied to and manipulated very often.

 

So cut yourself slack, acknowedge your part (mine was naivety, too much benefit of the doubt, mind blindedness) and savour your abuse-free life without guilt.

 

It's mostly a journey of self-discovery so it can be a bit brutal at times but you have to face it head on.

 

Ultimately, it's not so much about dating again than about forgiving yourself and being at peace with who you are.

[Curiousroxy86]

 

I know there is something about me that keeps attracting these individuals. I know IÂ’m too trusting and too forgiving and these guys probably see that in me from the get go. Plus I’m too tolerant of bad behaviours so I’m ripe for the picking it seems.

 

 

This is the key to your issue.

 

Have boundaries and actually follow them and you can get rid of most if not all toxic people

 

As soon as a guy say or do something that’s not okay you speak up. If he continues to test your boundaries or respond in a toxic way you breakup. You don’t stay. You don’t tolerate. You don’t trust someone who show you things that doesn’t look trustworthy. You don’t take them back in the name of forgiveness for things that’s truly a deal breaker and you especially don’t take them back for more than two times.

 

If you can’t do that then forget fear you will find yourself with an abuser again.

 

But you can do it. So if you really serious about breaking that pattern it starts with you. Figure out your boundaries then stick to them.

 

Write it down if you have to. Think about all the horrible things you tolerated and let that be a great starting point of what you will not tolerate anymore the next time a guy does that.

 

Good luck

[alphamale]

we have plenty of "nice guy" for you to pick from here on LS

[Calmandfocused]

Indeed alpha, I have noticed.

 

I fully agree with what everyone has said and your advice is spot on. But here’s the other issue: My abusers have only really revealed themselves fully when they knew with absolute certainty that they’d got me, being the point that I became emotionally attached to them. In the case of my ex husband, he never revealed his true self to me until after I married him. Being the stupid romantic fool that I am, i’ve found it very difficult to walk away when I’ve already given them my heart (and wedding vows) As I said earlier I get there in the end but it’s a fight to get them to let me go whilst I’m also fighting to break my own addiction to them. It’s exhausting!

 

I need to stop getting attached to people so easily. Something else I need to work on it seems.

 

Also to be honest, i really miss the sex with my most recent ex. When i think about sex, I think about how good it was when I know I shouldn’t. Maybe the passion and intensity was fuelled by all the drama, I don’t know. However I’m really hoping that it’s possible to get the same satisfying sex life from a non abusive man. It’s been so long for me since I’ve been in that situation that I honestly can’t remember. It’s possible right?

[alphamale]

I have heard your EXACT story many many times CAF

[Lotsgoingon]

Also to be honest, i really miss the sex with my most recent ex. When i think about sex, I think about how good it was when I know I shouldn’t. Maybe the passion and intensity was fuelled by all the drama, I don’t know. However I’m really hoping that it’s possible to get the same satisfying sex life from a non abusive man. It’s been so long for me since I’ve been in that situation that I honestly can’t remember. It’s possible right?

 

Well there you go ... If you believe that sex is only good with abusive men ... it's no surprise you are attracted to abusive men.

 

Look, your husband revealed himself ... you just didn't see it ... you can learn to see it ... I could sit with you for 15 minutes and I guarantee you your husband showed controlling signs ... or had no friends ... or blamed all the previous women he dated for having problems ... didn't take responsibility ... there are any number of things that reveal potential abuser ...

[Calmandfocused]

Lots going on and curious roxy, you have great insight and I’ve had a lightbulb moment.

 

None of them had any male friends to speak of, lots in their past, but none who stuck around. They were often harshly judgemental of other men, giving the impression that they were superior somehow.

 

In terms of ex’s, my exH stories didn’t raise any alarm bells ( one of his ex’s cheated on him and another didn’t give him much sex apparently). However my most recent ex hated them all. He’d refer to his ex’s as “damaged”, was very angry when making reference to them and give the impression that he’d like to physically hurt them if he could (i thought he was joking but clearly not) I did raise that his anger wasn’t healthy and he dropped this quite early on.

 

Yep, thinking about it there were other subtle signs. Hints at selfish behaviours and a few untruths. But we’re all selfish to a certain degree so that will be difficult for me to know if it’s an early red flag.

 

This is good. What else could I have missed that was giving me clues which I ignored?

 

Thanks for all your help here guys, I really do honestly appreciate it.

[Curiousroxy86]

when was the first time each abusive ex either devalued you or was disrespectful or was distant and confusing or tried to manipulate you or broke a boundary or was mean to you?

 

was it during the get to know each other stages before you decided to be exclusive? was it in the relationship?

 

what did they do?

 

how did you respond?

 

how could you have responded differently to show you wont tolerate it?

 

how should you have responded once they did that same intolerable act again or a different one (pst the answer to this question is unapologetically break up, ignore for good, and dont look back if you havent done so the first time they did it)?

[Calmandfocused]

In all cases it was exclusivity from the get go. With the last one, he immediately asked me if I was his as soon as we’d had sex for the first time. My ex husband proposed to me 4 months after meeting him. Exclusivity and commitment was demanded from me very quickly. All happened very fast and was a whirlwind but I do remember (bar one) the first episode of abuse and devaluation.

 

With my ex husband it was 3 months after marriage and I’d just told him I was pregnant. With my recent ex the first time was 3 months after meeting and he finished with me because he didn’t like how I responded to my ex husband. Out of the blue and completely unexpected. I was confused, heartbroken, then he came crawling back a week later.

 

At the very beginning of the abuse I remember feeling in a state of shock. I couldn’t quite believe what I was hearing and seeing. I knew! Deep down I knew that my instincts were right, but I kept telling myself that I’d misunderstood, that they didn’t mean it, that they couldn’t really mean it as they loved me and would do anything for me.....

 

 

I’m an idiot! A naive gullible idiot. If I could kick my own backside for being such a fool, I happily would. I’m very angry with myself for loving them more than I loved myself. And I’d take them back. And I believed all the rubbish/ excuses they spouted. Stupid, very stupid.

 

At least I have made progress in the sense that I recognise the pattern and have made a promise to myself to not ever go through it again.

 

I’ve also got two adorable children to think about. It’s them that really motivates me to want to do better. For them and for me.

Edited July 6, 2019 by Calmandfocused

[Lotsgoingon]

You're not an idiot ... you simply had a glitch in your dating software that you need to patch up ...

 

And there's good news, you felt the abuse in your body ... you just didn't know how to trust what your body was saying. That's not being an idiot--that's being out of practice in trusting yourself in stressful situations. That's from a habit (you can break) of listening to the stories people tell you to explain crazy behavior instead of listening to your body that says, "this doesn't feel good. This feels really bad."

 

Abusers can be great liars (they have had plenty of practice). So you can't go to them after they do something crazy say, "Why did you do that?" When they tell you a story-explanation, you can't just accept a mildly plausible story. You have to bring skepticism to these folks' stories.

 

Lack of male friends ... not necessarily a sign of abuse ... but you gotta wonder why these people you're dating can't connect to other men ... If he's so amazing, why doesn't he have admiring male friends?

 

Committing early isn't necessarily a good sign, especially if you were ever surprised by their desire to go exclusive. If you felt some surprise, what that means is that the guys were rushing ... committing beyond where you really were in the relationship--controlling.

 

Some more possible signs that show up early on and throughout ......

 

I can almost bet that when you had a difference of opinion, these abusive guys insisted on doing things their way--though they try to make it seem like their way is the only logical way.

 

Could these guys compliment you for being an individual with a life and interests and strengths that had nothing to do with them? Did they give you gifts that required them to think and recognize some interest or goal of yours and thus use the gift to encourage you to reach your goal?

 

There's often skeptical questioning after you return from interacting with gf's or family. Abusive folks are famous for isolating their partners by throwing a wet blanket on any interactions their partner has with outsiders, especially really positive interactions.

 

They probably got really nervous whenever you had a male friend or coworker that something positive about--even if your affection for these men was plainly Platonic and focused on work.

 

Most likely there was lots of stuff growing up in your family that was troubled ... that you got into the habit of ignoring ... great survival tool growing up ... it comes back to bite us later in life.

 

Get to therapy.

[lolamopa3400]

Hi OP. I feel your pain. I am right there with you. Though my last relationship was not abusive, it was not healthy.

 

I am doing some work on myself and the thing that I have identified that I need to work on is setting boundaries for myself based on what I believe I am worth. And then sticking to the boundaries and learning to walk away when a line has been crossed. No exceptions!

 

You have to risk in order to gain, but knowing your worth and being able to walk away earlier is the key to not getting too tangled in bad relationships.

 

This is how I am working on answering this very same question for myself.

 

I know there is something about me that keeps attracting these individuals. I know IÂ’m too trusting and too forgiving and these guys probably see that in me from the get go. Plus I’m too tolerant of bad behaviours so I’m ripe for the picking it seems.

[Sunlight72]

Here's something I have done for a couple different short periods that had surprisingly bright results for me. I was surprised to see that people didn't feel hurt or scolded, and actually seemed to respect me more as an equal social partner almost immediately... and it often made them more comfortable to be around me by about the second time I'd pipe up.

 

Start being conscious about things your friends or family or coworkers say. Prompt yourself to find moments of disagreement and open your mouth and disagree. I'm supposing you are starting from a point of being agreeable and so I am not worried you'll be a big jerk about it. But purposefully find at least 3 or 4 moments a week during interactions with people whom you like to counter their plans or ideas when you feel differently.

 

Use a direct tone, as if there is no reason someone should be hurt or offended (because there isn't). Don't use an apologizing tone, and don't push an angry vibe. You know who you are, and you're just stating facts so they know the facts too. A touch cheerful is OK, but mainly direct. It will get easier the more you do it.

 

"You need help with this now? I'm right in this other project, can we get together on that Wednesday?".

 

"Really? I don't think everyone who's homeless is lazy...".

 

"You don't like my sunglasses? (ha ha) Good thing I didn't buy them for you (smiling)".

 

"I hear you, and this is what's best for me, so this is how I'm doing it."

 

"Oh, no, thanks, I don't feel like drinking tonight. I'll have tea instead".

 

Don't just think these kind of things, state them out loud.

 

Practice recognizing and then voicing your own opinions & preferences - especially to people you like and who's opinion you value. I think it will help.

 

Ideally, keep doing this going forward too so that you might be comfortable and toned-up when something comes up with a man in the future. If you only tell yourself to keep alert inside your own head, but don't practice voicing this ahead of time I would predict you have poor odds of actually doing it when it really matters.

 

When you do meet a man you're interested in, do it with him right from the start. "6 o'clock? (in your own head - no, I need time to change after work) 7:00 is better for me, let's do that!", "Pick me up? Mmm, no, I'd rather meet you there".

 

In fact, now that I've noted it, I think I need to start looking for chances to start doing this again myself.

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

Edited July 6, 2019 by Sunlight72

[Lotsgoingon]

Here's something I have done for a couple different short periods that had surprisingly bright results for me. I was surprised to see that people didn't feel hurt or scolded, and actually seemed to respect me more as an equal social partner almost immediately... and it often made them more comfortable to be around me by about the second time I'd pipe up.

 

Start being conscious about things your friends or family or coworkers say. Prompt yourself to find moments of disagreement and open your mouth and disagree. I'm supposing you are starting from a point of being agreeable and so I am not worried you'll be a big jerk about it. But purposefully find at least 3 or 4 moments a week during interactions with people whom you like to counter their plans or ideas when you feel differently.

 

Use a direct tone, as if there is no reason someone should be hurt or offended (because there isn't). Don't use an apologizing tone, and don't push an angry vibe. You know who you are, and you're just stating facts so they know the facts too. A touch cheerful is OK, but mainly direct. It will get easier the more you do it.

 

"You need help with this now? I'm right in this other project, can we get together on that Wednesday?".

 

"Really? I don't think everyone who's homeless is lazy...".

 

"You don't like my sunglasses? (ha ha) Good thing I didn't buy them for you (smiling)".

 

"I hear you, and this is what's best for me, so this is how I'm doing it."

 

"Oh, no, thanks, I don't feel like drinking tonight. I'll have tea instead".

 

Don't just think these kind of things, state them out loud.

 

Practice recognizing and then voicing your own opinions & preferences - especially to people you like and who's opinion you value. I think it will help.

 

Ideally, keep doing this going forward too so that you might be comfortable and toned-up when something comes up with a man in the future. If you only tell yourself to keep alert inside your own head, but don't practice voicing this ahead of time I would predict you have poor odds of actually doing it when it really matters.

 

When you do meet a man you're interested in, do it with him right from the start. "6 o'clock? (in your own head - no, I need time to change after work) 7:00 is better for me, let's do that!", "Pick me up? Mmm, no, I'd rather meet you there".

 

In fact, now that I've noted it, I think I need to start looking for chances to start doing this again myself.

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

 

Absolute money, Sunlight! Beautiful!

 

You really do want to practice speaking out in all of life--it's hard to turn it on just for a romantic relationship.

[Sunlight72]

^^ :-) ^^

[Calmandfocused]

Lots going on: are you suggesting that I should work on myself/ have therapy before I even consider dating again? I can see the reasoning here but a part of me just wants to get out there again to prove to myself I can do better.

 

Yes you’re correct with all of your observations. They did compliment me, support me in certain areas but only when they would somehow benefit (eg if my income increased). Yes it was always their way or the highway. Everything I did or said was wrong.

 

Sunlight, that’s really helpful and has hit home to me.

 

This might surprise readers but I’m actually a boss. I have over 100 individuals working for me and I have no issues with communication and asserting boundaries. I’m highly respected and my staff clearly understand what’s expected of them.

 

However in dating, I’m totally different. I seem to lose all ability to communicate and stand up for myself. I know this is partly due to fear of pushing them away fearing that they won’t love me/ fall out of love with me (abandonment fears) Also I’m actually frightened of voicing my views in the fear they will become abusive but of course I’ve come to realise that this happens anyway.

 

I understand though that the reason I’m so different at work is because I don’t fear that my staff will leave me. If they opt out, I simply replace. No emotion involved.

 

You’re right though sunlight. If I disagree with a date from the beginning and voice my opinions it will give me a glimpse of how they will respond to this.

 

You know I’m learning so much from this thread and really appreciate all the input. Please keep it coming, you have excellent advice to offer and it’s helping me more than you know.

[Sunlight72]

You’re right though sunlight. If I disagree with a date from the beginning and voice my opinions it will give me a glimpse of how they will respond to this.

Mmm, yes, well, that's 1/2 of the benefit CaF, but 1/2 of the benefit is that you will curtail your acceptance of them treating you as a puppy they can handle roughly.

 

Bad news though, in my little research area of pop psychology, it fits a pattern that the sex with this type of guy is so good for you because it feels romantic or relaxing to let them take some control of your emotions and to some extent your behavior in life generally. That allows you to be in an atmosphere with them such that in flirting and naked time with them, you get to just ride the ride and not be analyzing every little move they make to decide if you should approve, or reject, or critique that action in the moment. Does that sound possible?

 

It would fit also that you are the boss & decision maker at work, and when off duty you find it romantic to have someone who leads your emotions and sets the tone of your interactions. It's going to be a delicate balance to find a guy like that, but who doesn't edge over into controlling 'too much' or abuse you.

 

You do have a Big Headstart on improving the guy you pick and the way he ultimately treats you since you're already living a life of boundary and decision making at work - that really indicates you can change this if you want to

[Lotsgoingon]

By "disagreeing" or simply expressing your opinion early on ... you accomplish several major things, all good for a relationship. One, you get yourself in the habit of speaking up ... and you break yourself of the habit of smoothing over differences. If the relationship is to really work, it has to fit who you are now--and who this other person is right now.

 

You also break yourself of the untrue thought that you have to agree with someone on every point in order to have a good relationship with them. The opposite is true. You can't have a good relationship if you're afraid of speaking your mind.

 

Also by talking up you will screen out people who don't like your opinions or your preferences or the fact that you speak up. Trust me: those abusive guys assess this right away, they immediately figure out if this is someone I can manipulate. That's where you're not drawing a boundary with them, by being so "nice" and nice is not kind ... Kind is good. "Nice" is just going along out of fear of conflict.

 

You're a manager. That can be good training for relationships but not always. For one, as you say, there are boundaries sorta built in. You can't let people get away with crazy behavior or you'll get in trouble. The company or workplace you work for has its own rules that you can follow. The presence of those rules is a great backbone that we don't have in personal relationships.

 

Here's a challenge though. I've seen mention of this ... There are studies that show that some of the best managers are people who see the best in people, who see potential in people ... and who work to bring out that potential in individuals. I'm a teacher and this dynamic holds there as well. The best teachers see potential.

 

But ... in relationships, if you aren't good at setting boundaries (which you admit you are not) you actually want to go the other way. You want to be critical of people from the get-go. Not nasty critical, but honest critical. If they say something you don't like, you want to voice your view. If they treat the waiter poorly, you want to notice that--like an alarm going off. Most likely, you're sorta wired to be accommodating in personal relationships ... so to offset this wiring, you want to literally go out of your way and stop and really let your critical brain do some work.

 

Here's the thing: if your criticism or worry ... proves wrong ... that will quickly reveal itself ... So really a person like you doesn't need to worry about being too critical. You want to focus on being very critical. Allow your analytical brain a chance to catch up to that reflex you have--to be nice, to go along, to think positive, to minimize something the other person said that actually bothers you.

 

You can go dating now ... but seriously, practice speaking up immediately. Think about what YOU want, what YOU prefer. Ask for that ... Immediately ... share your opinions on music, the weather, favorite colors, tv shows ... and don't apologize ... put it out there.

 

Here's what a great therapist told me ... and I have had your issue--not with abusive people but getting involved with low-functioning people. Basically when you hold back your views, when you don't disagree, when you filter everything you say through niceness and getting along and all of that ... the people who actually LIKE you ... would like you ... would like your views, your way of seeing the world ... Those people can't see you ... can't find you ... because you're hiding. And just remember, you don't have to be a jerk about it. Most likely there's a reflex in you that says speaking your real feelings would make you a jerk. I can guarantee you that won't be the case.

 

So sure, date if you want ... try it out ... see where you are in a few months. Actually the best thing you will do is in therapy ... is go out on a lot of dates and then report back what happened to the therapist ... You analyze it with the therapist ... make some adjustments ... go out again. So therapy should involve dating. Otherwise, you're just dealing with this stuff on a theoretical level.