MINAKO Posted July 4, 2019 Posted July 4, 2019 Hello everyone, sorry for my English if there's some mistakes! Basically, I was in a ~4 year relationship with "Kio"- he studied abroad, long distance. He was my world. However, with time he became extreme with his emotions. I mean he would get super depressed, self-harm, over-drink, very unstable stuff all the time. I still loved him, but my studies became intense and the relationship was too much to handle on top of that. So we respectfully broke up, and maintain a friendship, hoping to date again in the future. But as the years went by, I got more busy and Kio remain unstable. Eventually, I crossed paths with a super positive person, "Roku" and soon we caught feelings. I am still too extremely busy (abroad for work) for a relationship, but once I am back in the Autumn, there will be time to properly date. For now, I accepted my feelings with Roku, and told Kio I am seeing someone though still not ready for a relationship. Kio was heartbroken, and with his extreme emotions he self-harmed his arms and legs. It devastate me. I know he is not my responsibility, but he is still important to me. I let Kio cool off. However, this morning he was suddenly happy and calling me loving names that are not normal for friends (like "honey"). It was basically clear that he got the idea of winning me back before I get into an actual relationship with Roku. However, my feelings is already with Roku. This is extremely difficult for me because I know how emotional Kio is, and I don't want him doing something extreme again over this. How can I let Kio know, in the most gentle and kind way possible, that I'm happy with someone else? In a way that makes him understand he can't just win me over. I am uncomfortable with him calling me those loving terms like honey. Knowing how unstable he is, I must be careful to be as soft as possible with my delivery of words.
preraph Posted July 5, 2019 Posted July 5, 2019 It's time to stop being gentle with Kio. You're enabling his behavior. Just tell him it's over and have a good life and end all contact with him and all social media with him. He needs to grow up. If he has mental issues and might actually threaten suicide, that's why you make it impossible to contact you, so he can't play that card on you and hold you hostage. That's for his family to deal with. If you know his family, you might tell them ahead of time (like 1 minute ahead) to keep an eye on him because you're about to cut him off and have permanently moved on. People who can't say no attract people who won't let go. 1
Beendaredonedat Posted July 5, 2019 Posted July 5, 2019 I agree with Preraph. You just have to stop enabling him and in fact, it would be cruel of you to keep talking to him and giving him hope that you will reconcile with him. Time to close the door (and yes, contact his family and let them know what he's capable of so they can get him to the therapy he clearly needs.) 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 5, 2019 Posted July 5, 2019 You are going to have to cut contact with your ex, OP. This will be necessary even if he weren't harming himself, because no man is going to want his girlfriend's ex on her radar like this. The friendship you have is not a healthy one and while I am sure you have positive and respectful intentions, your current approach is not helping. As the others advised, if you know his family or a close friend, let them know you are concerned about his well-being but that you need to close the door for good.
Author MINAKO Posted July 6, 2019 Author Posted July 6, 2019 (edited) People who can't say no attract people who won't let go. Thanks for being blunt. I ended up speaking with him and ending things. He seemed to understand me, and hopefully things will not be escalated. I agree with Preraph. You just have to stop enabling him and in fact, it would be cruel of you to keep talking to him and giving him hope that you will reconcile with him. You are right. I realize it would be cruel. I have ended it, thank you. ...no man is going to want his girlfriend's ex on her radar like this. Very true! I do not wish to be that person ever. Edited July 6, 2019 by MINAKO
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