I have trust issues - And it's killing me

[Its Not A Tumaaa]

Alright, I'm a guy, obviously. Well, anyway I guess you can say I've been screwed over by women one too many times. Hell, just last year I've been led on four times in a ROW. If you care to hear the stories personally, I'll be glad to share them, but I don't want to take up all of your time. Needless to say, the extent to women breaking my heart has permenantly destroyed any trust from the opposite sex.

 

Because of my lack of trust issues, I've stayed away from the entire relationship thing, I've just stuck with dating and sex. I've even changed my approach to women, too. Beforehand, I would be the "Nice, Good, Mr. Wright" guy that would spill his heart to woman like a pathetic little kid, and in turn I would get walked over. Not anymore. After years of heartbreak I came to realize that women truly do go for that "Bad Boy" assholish type of guy. Now, I'm not saying I'm a wussbag or anything. Yes, I do have a bad boy rebellious aura with me, but I NEVER used it with women, because I do believe in treating them with respect. This is where I get bit in the ass, because I'd just be the good friend that women would cry to about their deadbeat, loser boyfriends, and fill my ears with constant whinings and shrieks of pathetic immaturity, asking simply, "Why can't I find a nice guy like you?"

 

In light of all this, I have become that guy. Not necessarily an a**h***, more so "hard to get" I like playing with women's heads and messing with their emotions. Not only does it get me away from heartache, but it got them to fall for me easier. Yes, I would date, and I would have sex, but sex just didn't cut it for me anymore. It was fun for a while, but I was missing this feeling... This feeling you get in your stomach when you're making love to the one you care about. I didn't have this feeling, and it was driving me insane... So, foolishly, I looked back to the relationship circuit.

 

There used to be this girl that worked down the street from me. Every morning before class, I'd go in with insanely horrible looking bed head. She'd constantly tell me, "Oh my god I love your hair." I would smile and become bashful, and I would play it off, "Ahh naaa I look terrible." She used to try to convince me how good I looked, and her friend even pointed it out for her one day when she was hiding in the back because she was too shy to talk. Well, time passed and she stopped working there, and I never ever got her number. My chance was ruined, I should have made a move, but it was that trust issue that was getting to me.

 

A year went by and I got into the whole "Myspace" thing. (Because you're not a cool kid unless you have a Myspace apparently.) I met this girl off of it. (She didn't have a picture up) who seemed really really cool. Now I was never interested in meeting her, just chatting it up. We liked the same movies as one another and just had fun chats. Well we get to chatting, and I come to find out she is the same exact girl who used to work down the street from me. So, we got to talking more. She had a boyfriend but wanted to break up with him. She's a very shy girl and doesn't like hurting people. The guy was an a**h***, and she didn't know how to break up with him. I gave her some tips and advice. Eventually, they broke up.

 

I took my chance immediately. I decided to meet her one day. The minute I saw her I was captivated by how amazingly beautiful she is. She didn't talk much at first, her being really shy. Well, one thing led to another and I made my move on her. After a few days of the whole "Friends with benefits" thing, we finally started dating. She was hesitant at first, being nervous, but my constant persistence got her to say yes to me.

 

Constantly, this girl tells me how much I drive her crazy. She always sends messages saying how much she misses me, she lets me know how I'm the only guy she's ever felt this way for before, and quick too. She talks to my best friend who tells me how crazy this girl is for me. Going against my standards, I tell her how much she means to me too. I'm playing the nice guy, even though I know how bad it is. She says she's not that type of girl. She claims and assures me she would never hurt me, and the only way we'd break up is if I did it because she likes me too much.

 

Now I've heard all this before, MANY times. I can't believe any of this. The sad thing is, she is the sweetest, most beautiful girl I've ever known. The fact that we are Head over Heels for each other drives me insanse, I don't want to get too attached. Every day I am preparing myself for the break up. I don't want to get too attached, but I can't help it. I'm really falling for her.

 

I've been breaking all my rules. I pour my heart out to her, I'm exceedingly nice, and I tell her how I feel. Every day I worry, "Will she like me tomorrow?" I constantly wonder when things will start going bad. If I call her and she doesn't answer the phone my heart races, because I'm afraid she doesn't like me anymore. I HATE not being able to trust people. It kills me. Remember that feeling during sex I was talking about? The one where you feel it in your stomach? Yes, I get it with her. I'm finally happy, so happy after a long time.. And It's killing me.

 

I really care for this girl, and I want to make the best out of this relationship while it lasts. Am I wrong for not trusting her? Should I just break things off right now, before I get too attached and end up heart broken again? I don't know what to do. I really am falling for her, but I don't want to get hurt again. I really wish I can trust women, but they've already ruined it for me.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[seahorse]

I feel for you, I really do. I had tremendous trust issues with my bf because of the way my ex hubby had treated me (five year affair with another woman that I never knew about until he confessed it), and my bf also had (and still continues to have) trust issues with me, because, like you, he had been messed about big time by several women in his past. It is SO HARD to get past these issues because your heart puts up huge, HUGE walls to protect itself.

 

Why get kicked down again huh? Why ever trust another person, when your heart is just gonna get stamped on?? In the end, it can be like a "no choice" thing. As much as you may really want to, your heart won't let you trust. A little part of that wall stays up, no matter how much you or your partner try to push it down. I felt like that for a long, long time. It's only recently that I am starting to feel that maybe the walls are down for good.

 

I still have to reassure my bf every day that yes, I do love him, and no, I haven't changed my mind about my feelings for him - and that can be pretty damn wearing, when you feel that you are constantly reassuring someone, constantly trying to keep their paranoia under control.

 

I am not sure how to advise you. You want to end things now "before you get too attached." Well let me tell you, it sounds like you're pretty attached already my friend. Try this out for size. If you stopped things now - how are you going to feel? Are you going to spend the rest of your life not getting attached to anyone; going through life on your own; and just using women for "dates and sex"? Will that give you that happy feeling in your stomach? Yes it's very very scary to be so deeply in love with someone, and to tell them that you are! That makes you the most vulnerable person in the world.

 

What about your gf. If she loves you like she says she does, breaking up with her is going to break her heart - and possibly set her on the same road you were on yourself, not trusting men because of what you did to her.

 

There's an old saying, "better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all", and even though I've been through some pretty tough sh*t myself, I'd say that is true. Love's knocks can be devastating, but I really don't think there is anything better than to love and be loved, truly and deeply.

 

I hope you can work out what you want.

[Its Not A Tumaaa]

Thanks a lot for your response, I really appreciate it.

 

I have to say you are right. I really don't want to ruin a chance with her, and she is a really great person who doesn't deserve to get hurt either. I like her so much in fact, I'd rather have myself get hurt then her -- At least I'm used to it and know how to cope.

 

I'm going to give it a shot, I just hope it lasts for a good amount of time before things come crashing down like they always do.

 

Thanks.

[seahorse]

Thanks a lot for your response, I really appreciate it.

 

I have to say you are right. I really don't want to ruin a chance with her, and she is a really great person who doesn't deserve to get hurt either. I like her so much in fact, I'd rather have myself get hurt then her -- At least I'm used to it and know how to cope.

 

I'm going to give it a shot, I just hope it lasts for a good amount of time before things come crashing down like they always do.

 

Thanks.

 

That last bit is the iffy bit! Don't go on as if you expect things to crash. Live for the moment but look to a bright future together with your gf.

 

Good luck!

[Sheba]

There is some grim cynic's saying about "hoping for the best, planning for the worst". You are spending too much time planning for the worst. I do this too. You and I both need to learn to enjoy the good without shoring ourselves up for the bad.

 

It sounds as if you have a nice relationship with a nice girl. Congratulations. Keep on being the nice guy she loves so much. Good luck!