dating in a digital age

[crispytoast]

From OLD to people dating people who met them first on Facebook/Instagram/etc, the dating landscape has evolved, and it could be argued that its not necessarily for the better. It has become easier for people to connect but in a lot of ways, our interactions have become less meaningful. We have an open catalog of hookups at our disposal. We meet each other via photoshopped pictures and bios that range from sarcastic humor and dick innuendos to a shopping list of dating wants that read more like the requirements for a new job. Flirty conversations have been replaced by cat memes and eggplant emojis and let's face it, it's hard to find a woman who hasn't woken up to a picture of a mishapen cock in her DMs.

 

It has also become easier for people to harass and stalk potential, current, and ex partners. On many occasions, I've heard people talk about how they will not date a person who doesn't have social media because they want to be able to see a preview of their life before allowing intimacy or committing to a relationship. I can understand the idea behind using it to avoid a hazardous person, but how effective is it really? It's easy for an individual to control how they appear on social media and portray an image that may be nothing like how they truly are. And it leaves you constantly available for contact. Plus when I think of someone plotting to dig through my personal information before they even know me, I feel like perhaps they are the hazardous one.

 

Considering how engaged people my age (30ish) and younger seem to be by social media, I wonder about the impact that it has on dating in the modern day. I deleted all of my social media accounts a while ago to disconnect and I do think it has been healthy for my head space and had a positive impact on many parts of my life, but I have noticed that dating has been frustratingly more difficult, which seems counterintuitive considering I am a much more well-rounded person than I have been in the past. While I of course have interpersonal issues to deal with (don't we all), I can't help but feel like my choice to abstain from social media has negatively impacted my dating potential.

 

Do you use social media? How engaged are you in your digital life? Why? Do you think that it affects the way you date and maintain relationships? How or how not? I'm really curious to see what you all think about this because it's something that has been on my mind a lot lately.

Edited July 4, 2019 by crispytoast

[Logo]

To me, social media is the digital age's equivalent of tabloids or soap operas. It's a distraction that adds very little to an individual's personality, character or making them a better human being. He said, she said, look at me, look at what I did for my significant other.

 

It also feels fake, made up, photoshopped, everything is cherry picked to create a reputation like an ad for a product. OLD profiles are a great example of that. A person seems perfect at first glance, but scratch the surface, go on a date or two with them, and you start seeing the disparity between the profile and the real person.

 

[chillii]

Well , l'm 50s so maybe it's different , although l know plenty into it a lot older, can never believe it. Real life though , here in my world, no one would bat an eyelid about me or anyone not being on all the social media bs.

But yeppa , if forums are anything to go by it's become one neurotic and crazy world out there. The smart ones can see through it though , even my 18yr old daughter won't be involved in all the bs out there now.

AS far as someone checking up on someone they've met or even not going out with them if they have no media well, can't even begin to comprehend the crazy in that bs. lf someone l was interested in told me something like that she wouldn't even see my wheels spin.

 

My gf's like me , doesn't even have any , nothin, just in a few forums and watches some yt, bout it.

As far as how so many probably meet now and all the date sites and phone stuff well , again if forums are anything to go by God help em.

ps , you don;t need to be too bright to see where everything[s going.

Edited July 4, 2019 by chillii

[Curiousroxy86]

I dont think having social media takes away from an individuals dating life. it gives more opportunity that you may choose to take or not. its not a guarantee that it will add to it either. it just increases chances to meet more people thats all.

 

I have social media but I am not super active. I have an online dating profile and I have instagram that I use for my hobby and another account I use to connect with family and close friends and associates.

 

I am of the belief that people can open themselves up to meet people anywhere whether offline or online. its about how you use your resources to meet a goal when opportunity arises and not the resources itself. if no opportunity that your attracted to at the moment then you just live your best life till it comes back around.

[Gaeta]

I think you will do just fine. Many women appreciate their boyfriend not being on social media, I am one of them. I often tease my boyfriend that the day he creates a FB account I am deleting mine. My daughter is your age 32, her boyfriend isn't on social media, my foster-kid is 15 and her boyfriend has 0 social-media accounts. I am thinking when 1 in the couple or both are not on social media their relationship has a better chance.

[littleblackheart]

Dating is dating is dating. It's the same process whatever way you do it.

 

High standards for yourself and others, no expectations, a finely-tuned BSometer acquired from observation and experience and presenting yourself without 'filters' as it were, being straightforward, recognising your own weaknesses and not just your strengths can only serve you well.

 

Social media reflects real life anyway.

 

The thing is - you can't please or get on with everyone, nor should you try to. There are people you don't like, and people who don't like you - it's multiplied online because you put yourself in a somewhat vulnerable position but if you are true to yourself, you should be fine no matter where you are. It's less of big deal than we think it is, generally.

 

To answer the OP, I don't personally date nor am I a huge social media user but I know people who do both and are totally fine.

 

The closest thing to a consistent 'digital life' I have is LS - I get something out of it on a personal level but I'm not so invested in it that my sense of worth or my own values are affected by it.

 

As long as you know people (including you) are flawed and complex and more than a few carefully crafted lines or a pretty photo, you should be ok whether online or offline. You, no one else, is the shaper of your life.

[nospam99]

65 male.

 

It depends on how you define social media. I have a FB id. I use it almost exclusively to keep in touch with a) my high school friends and b) the people I play Dungeons and Dragons with. There is no photo in my profile and the only two pieces of info are where I went to high school and a fake birthdate.

 

I'm here and on a couple of right wing-nut forums.

 

And, finally, dating sites: active on Match, check POF and OKC 'just in case' something shows up, and still have ids that I don't use on ourtime, eharmony, zoosk, and elite. Maybe Bumble, too but I couldn't even check with the phone I kept.

 

So I'd say that I use 'social media' but that my use is limited.

 

Almost forgot meetup.com. I only check for meetups to attend when I'm not dating someone and also not busy in the garden every weekend. Probably get back to meetup in late September.

[smackie9]

If I was dating, I would not add them to my SM nor would I want to be bothered with theirs. If anything I would use the sites to find things to do ie: events, etc and meet people in person organically. I have enough girlie friends (married and single) to come along too.

[alphamale]

life was much simpler when we all were on AOL - "YOU'VE GOT MAIL"

[preraph]

It has also become easier for people to harass and stalk potential, current, and ex partners. On many occasions, I've heard people talk about how they will not date a person who doesn't have social media because they want to be able to see a preview of their life before allowing intimacy or committing to a relationship. I can understand the idea behind using it to avoid a hazardous person, but how effective is it really? It's easy for an individual to control how they appear on social media and portray an image that may be nothing like how they truly are. And it leaves you constantly available for contact. Plus when I think of someone plotting to dig through my personal information before they even know me, I feel like perhaps they are the hazardous one.

 

I'm 66 so been around awhile. I've only noticed the last couple of years on Loveshack mostly men who are looking for some sort of guarantee before even meeting someone. From what I can tell, it stems from their own social anxiety. A lot of young people now have so little real life social interaction that it all just terrifies them and they are so scared they don't even want to meet unless some hapless female is willing to convince them she loves them and can be trusted before they have even met! It's crazy.

 

Now, before internet, there was the occasional guy who would surveil women first rather than just talking to them or asking them out, but they were few and far between and it was mostly guys who didn't have much success and felt surveilling was about all they could do. One of my male friends was this type, so I saw it up close and it was creepy then and it's creepy now. Preinternet, he would physically orbit some woman who worked in retail and get real invested in her and never ask her out. Where he lived, he bought nightvision equipment and was looking at women in his apartment complex. Now, this is someone I've known all these years, but he was definitely in creeper territory and I talked to him about it. From his perspective, I just think he felt that's what he was limited to as far as interaction with women. Luckily, he took up dancing and finally met and married someone and broke that cycle.

 

As far as women using it to avoid a hazardous person, it is worth the effort and here's just one reason why. Criminals in general and predators in particular come in two basic varieties: organized and disorganized, with the greater percentile going to disorganized. Yes, most criminals are stupid. So you have a 50/50 chance and better that the one you're wanting to filter for being a bad person is not careful on the internet and social media or thinks he is but is showing his ethics in ways he can't fathom others could decipher that he was a creep from when, in fact, it's pretty apparent. Just as it is here on LS at times.

 

Only the best con artists can avoid an alert objective person from seeing the little red flags. The problem being, of course, that men and women alike go snowblind and don't WANT to see red flags because it destroys their hope, and those are the people who get in trouble and attract bad people and let it drag out until they are a casualty.

 

But you're right. Men do it for one reason and most women do it for safety. After thousands of years of having to try to filter out bad violent men, some of it for women has become intuitive, a survival skill. The only advice I can give to people is if your alarm goes off on everyone, then it may be your own anxiety. But if your alarm is calm with some but not others, never ignore it.

 

And yes, someone creeping on you excessively on the internet is too much. There's something wrong with that person. They're either excessively fearful or they're controlling, and neither is anyone you want to get with. So if you find yourself worrying about someone because you notice these little things, these little inquiries, or they keep popping up where they shouldn't, no matter if they say they're just interested, just get away from them. They're not balanced.

[mark clemson]

There are some who aren't active on most social media but have a LinkedIn profile. So, one could theoretically offer to connect there to "prove" that you are who you say you are.

 

Of course this doesn't take away from the curated aspect of all this. In fact it's probably even worse on LinkedIn. But I suppose it shows you're not living out of your car...

[littleblackheart]

Meanwhile, millions of people everywhere use dating sites with relative success, some find their true love and have a perfectly healthy digital life without being paranoid or being overly suspicious.

 

It's not all bad, really.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm 50 and have a personal FB and IG account. Neither account uses my real name, I don't have my phone or main email accounts linked to them and they are both locked down tight. For the most part, I'm unsearchable and that's exactly how I like it.

 

I keep my circle small, very small. The purpose for them? Quite simple, to stay connected to friends and family abroad on FB and IG simply to kill boredom from time to time. That's it. I'm not a slave to it and will often goes days and even weeks sometimes without logging in. I don't add men I have a crush on, men I just met, men I'm chatting with or even dating unless we're in a serious relationship.

 

For me personally, as it relates to dating, I don't necessary have an issue if someone has SM BUT I'm not a fan of a man who is seriously active on it. I often tread much more carefully with those men. Unless they have a business or brand they are promoting, I don't see the point or the need to be so engaged on it. And if they have an open account and/or follow thousands of women...cause for pause.

 

I've witnessed far too many relationships crash and burn because of social media and the lack of transparency and etiquette. Having been through an experience myself last year, it only validated many of my original concerns.

 

That being said, I realize that not everyone active on social media is being inappropriate but I'd rather be with someone who looks at SM much the way I do. If someone wants to be inappropriate, they will find a way to do it regardless of technology.

 

Life is just so much simpler with men (and women) who aren't slaves to their phones, period.

[Cora]

I’m not a fan of social media. I choose not to have it. I think it causes too many problems in dating/relationships. I only had a Facebook account back in college when it first became popular and was only for college kids. Once I graduated I deleted it and haven’t missed it since. All my family and friends have social media accounts of some sort and keep trying to get me to get back on the band wagon, but nah I don’t need that in my life.

[nospam99]

There are some who aren't active on most social media but have a LinkedIn profile. So, one could theoretically offer to connect there to ''prove'' that you are who you say you are.

 

LOL@LinkedIn Proof??!!?? I admit it's been two years since I looked at LinkedIn. So I totally forgot that I have like three profiles because every time I joined a 'job club' the leader would 'require' us all to create LinkedIn profiles. At the time it was a 'circle jerk' ... Say you're 'A'. You get two friends (maybe people from the job club who just met you): 'B' and 'C'. B agrees to post on LinkedIn that you're an expert in whatever. C does the same for B, you do the same for C. All three (the 'circle' could have more than 3 people but LinkedIn would catch you if there were only two) get all their friends to post the way each of them did. All of a sudden, everybody is an 'expert' but only on paper. Worthless 'credentials', super easy to fake. There are probably people on LinkedIn with legit references. But just like the players in the bar claiming they had sex with the hot barmaid, there is no way to separate the legit from the liars.

Edited July 4, 2019 by nospam99

[crispytoast]

@smackie it's not about connecting with people I'm courting, it's more the benefit of knowing what's going on and always having a party up my sleeve. So much of my persona is built on party life but since I moved and I don't know anyone, I feel like I'm fronting. My go-to pickup would be striking up a conversation with a woman who shares mutual attraction and instead of asking on a date, inviting her to an upcoming party and exchanging contact info. Then we can get to know each other in a comfortable, energetic environment. But I simply have let my social life dissolve and the type of women I like don't want to date a guy who can't maintain their own social life. I can but since I moved I have been too focused on work and have been posted up in my cave making art so I don't really have any way to prove that.

 

@littleblackheart unfortunately my town is pretty small and the OLD community is quite lacking. Also from a demographic standpoint, there are more men than women here. So if a woman is looking for a relationship through OLD then there's something wrong with her that she can't find a relationship in real life. I would only use it for hookups and while I'm not against that (yep I'm currently revamping my Tinder for some fun) it's certainly not where I'm looking for someone to date.

[littleblackheart]

Fair enough. I see what you mean in that my sister lives in a tiny village but she works in a metropolis and there are a few big cities around her so she's never really short on offers. She does present herself accurately though, and she sees her online dating activities as a means to an end.

 

Plus you know, people find themselves partners literally everywhere in the world, so odds are the tide will turn for you at some point. Patience and fortitude, my friend. But yes, the 'online' experience is its own beast. Not always easy to navigate between the pretence and the need for validation, but if you are genuine and honest about what you are looking for, you'll be ok.

Edited July 4, 2019 by littleblackheart

[alphamale]

I'm 66 …

 

you are 66?! wtf? I always thought you were a young whippersnapper (like in your 40s)

[olivetree]

I abhor social media.

The world would be a better place without it.

And religion, plastic...

 

Crispy, I never found it to impact dating (when I was).

Guys always thought it was cool I wasn't on any platforms.

Anyone I'm compatible would likely be a social media ghost too.

[SmartDude]

From OLD to people dating people who met them first on Facebook/Instagram/etc, the dating landscape has evolved, and it could be argued that its not necessarily for the better. It has become easier for people to connect but in a lot of ways, our interactions have become less meaningful. We have an open catalog of hookups at our disposal. We meet each other via photoshopped pictures and bios that range from sarcastic humor and dick innuendos to a shopping list of dating wants that read more like the requirements for a new job. Flirty conversations have been replaced by cat memes and eggplant emojis and let's face it, it's hard to find a woman who hasn't woken up to a picture of a mishapen cock in her DMs.

 

It has also become easier for people to harass and stalk potential, current, and ex partners. On many occasions, I've heard people talk about how they will not date a person who doesn't have social media because they want to be able to see a preview of their life before allowing intimacy or committing to a relationship. I can understand the idea behind using it to avoid a hazardous person, but how effective is it really? It's easy for an individual to control how they appear on social media and portray an image that may be nothing like how they truly are. And it leaves you constantly available for contact. Plus when I think of someone plotting to dig through my personal information before they even know me, I feel like perhaps they are the hazardous one.

 

Considering how engaged people my age (30ish) and younger seem to be by social media, I wonder about the impact that it has on dating in the modern day. I deleted all of my social media accounts a while ago to disconnect and I do think it has been healthy for my head space and had a positive impact on many parts of my life, but I have noticed that dating has been frustratingly more difficult, which seems counterintuitive considering I am a much more well-rounded person than I have been in the past. While I of course have interpersonal issues to deal with (don't we all), I can't help but feel like my choice to abstain from social media has negatively impacted my dating potential.

 

Do you use social media? How engaged are you in your digital life? Why? Do you think that it affects the way you date and maintain relationships? How or how not? I'm really curious to see what you all think about this because it's something that has been on my mind a lot lately.

 

 

Are you relating to people on only a superficial level? Are you seeking more depth?

[2much4]

I am not a big fan of social media and don't care if a man has any if I meet him irl. Im a bit more suspicious with online dating though.

 

If someone you met online doesn't have or add you to their social media a lot of times they have hidden kids, girlfriend, wife.....or other shady stuff. There are exceptions of course, but checking someones social media before meeting has saved me a lot of problems.

 

Maybe your dates have had similar experiences?

[chillii]

Yeah see even that, how many 1000s of time do you read someone round here up in arms because they didn't add them on their media or bs, l just mean wtf is that byllshyt, yaknow.

Ya read 50yrs olds carrying on about it, God almighty who needs it.

Buttttt, l do think just plain date sites are a good thing though, or can be. In my area people are scattered far and wide, 100s of k all around, but who knows who's tucked away that you'll never ever have a hope of bumping into somewhere, it's semi rural with a lot of dotted towns all over and a few mains.

Butttt, through a date site they have the chance to see what's going on and who's around , meet up, l think it's a great thing like that myself.

Mind you , here everyone is very very down to earth feet on groundish , not the bs you read about in forums and others going through in bigger cities or other countries like the us, sounds admittedly like a nightmare. So goods and bads too.

Edited July 5, 2019 by chillii

[basil67]

The argument that 'social media causes problems' is the same as 'guns kill people' Fact is, the problems come down to what an individual does with social media - not the media itself.

 

While I'm not dating, FB is invaluable to me when linking with people, information and events related to my hobbies and the disability sector. And FB is handy for finding out about what's on - the clubs I go to and the local bands use FB to advertise. Truth be told, following Friends comes a distant second to the things I mention above.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I am 47 and do not do social media. I never have. Don’t have fb or any other accounts. I have linked in but only use it professionally.

My ex is crazy over fb. Always on it. And talking about good comments from people he has never met. This boosted his ego and he started disengaging from me and our real life. This started prob a couple of years ago.

He lost all concept of his Real life being the one to invest in. It is really sad.

 

Ce la vie.

 

My requirement for a new mate is that he will have gotten it out of his system and understands the difference. This I feel is very important for me.

[preraph]

you are 66?! wtf? I always thought you were a young whippersnapper (like in your 40s)

 

Well, that's nice. Chalk it up to never having kids.