Help! Some womanly advice for a Neanderthal man please…

[GuySimple]

Does anyone know if it is possible to emotionally trust someone again?

 

My wife and I had a lousy “discussion” today and both ended up agreeing that neither one of use trusted the other to do or give the things that needed to be done in our relationship.

 

I know with me it is patience. I’m like let’s come-up with a plan of action to fix this. She’s like hold on I don’t know what I want. I keep asking her to commit to making the relationship work but she say’s that she can’t because she doesn’t know what that means. She say’s that she won’t commit to something only to have me throw it back at her if it doesn’t happen. So I say that in order to make it work she may have to give something up from her busy schedule. Did she get her back up saying where was my mind when I was already saying that she was going to have to give something up? And she’s probably right.

 

I know what the obvious answer is here; back off and give her some space to figure things out. Stop being angry and pressuring her and let her come to her own conclusions and see you through a fresh pair of eyes. But my fear is that she is only blowing me off. That it is easier not to deal with this. It’s hard to turn off my emotions. Unfortunately my mouth is more closely connected to my foot than by brain and I sometimes find myself saying things to get emotions out of her. Dumb dumb dumb, I know.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yes, I believe it's possible to trust someone emotionally again.

 

GS- Did I tell you to get the books "Love must be tough" by James Dobson and "Winning Back your wife" by Chapman???

 

I read Love Must be tough after my separation. Everything in the book that they tell you NOT to do, my exhusband did- which pushed me further away. It was strange how they got his actions down so perfectly, but it's because all spouses in his position do it.

[Ladyjane14]

I read Love Must be tough after my separation. Everything in the book that they tell you NOT to do, my exhusband did- which pushed me further away. It was strange how they got his actions down so perfectly, but it's because all spouses in his position do it.

 

It would be wise to give very serious consideration to anything and everything that Mz. Pixie says to you. You asked for feminine opinions....heed hers.

 

It was EXACTLY the kind of behavior that you're describing that caused her to divorce her husband. You have to know when to stop pushing. If you don't....you'll push your wife completely away.

 

Your wife has probably separated herself emotionally from you. She has become self-reliant. Maybe it was necessary for her to be so; maybe it wasn't. It's her perception that counts though. One cannot UN-learn self-reliance. She can only learn to include you at this point.

 

It's important that you understand ALL her reasons for distancing herself. It's likely more than just the affair. If she's telling you that she doesn't trust you with her words. The only reason for that is because she perceives you as twisting them into ammunition to use against her. She doesn't feel you are really listening.

 

You are ADVERSARIAL at this point. You're attempting to win through to your own goals. It won't work, because she sees an Agenda. It doesn't matter if the agenda she perceives is truly the agenda you have. Perception is the truth in that it must be dealt with. If it's her perception that you just want your way at her expense, she's bound to fight you.

 

The better alternative is to join her team. Work from the inside. Don't be an adversary. Your goal is to be at the nucleus again. Attacking from without will only increase her defenses.

 

It is Persistance and Consistancy that win the day.

[lilmoma1973]

Hey Guysimple,

Yes i do think it is possible to trust someone again unless they aren't being honest and upfront with you and always never be secretive.Always let you know their comings and goings ..

[Mz. Pixie]

GS- also google "Why Women Leave Men" and you'll get some more good information.

[GuySimple]

Thanks for the great advice and resource suggestions. I have also started to learn about meditation which has been very helpful in getting past the urge to start “pestering” my wife.

 

I’ve read the short blurb on the “Why women leave men” article and it certainly sounds like me so far. I’m not the extreme but my wife does call me a bully. As much as I think that I have done a good job supporting her, by doing more “domestic” stuff. I really haven't given her the emotional support that she has needed. She has become very successful and also very independent and I don’t think that I have adjusted well to this despite the fact that I am very proud of her and want her to be a success.

[Jayhawks]

Help! Some womanly advice for a Neanderthal man please…

 

Hey, don't you know women love the Neanderthal man. Just play big and dumb and they will love to want to change you, GuySimple.

[Mz. Pixie]

He wants to keep her Jayhawks, not run her off.

[Jayhawks]

He wants to keep her Jayhawks, not run her off.

 

A little humor there Mz. Pixie. Sorry if I offended.

[lilmoma1973]

Hey Guysimple,

Do you think it is a good thing to bully a woman? My h is very controlling when we get in an argument and when im not paying attention he will grab me or turn my face to him .. I hate a bully cause to me it shows weakness and says that they aren't a real man to be bullying a woman .. Maybe a man should bully them and see how it is!! I personally think my h is a weak spinless man to pick on me like that .. i think the same thing about you!!!!

[GuySimple]

I hate a bully cause to me it shows weakness and says that they aren't a real man to be bullying a woman .. Maybe a man should bully them and see how it is!! I personally think my h is a weak spinless man to pick on me like that .. i think the same thing about you!!!!

 

Lilmoma,

 

I find your tone a bit harsh and personally offensive.

 

Using the term "bully" was obviously the wrong choice of words for my situation.

 

I find that you would even imply that I would purposely frighten my wife and somehow get off on that as a power thing is personally distasteful. Equally distasteful is the fact that you would use such harsh words based on an 11 line post. Clearly you have somehow connected my behavior to that of your husband and you have an issue with him. Deal with him on that, don't pin his behavior on other men.

[HokeyReligions]

Sometimes something as simple as sending her flowers at work with a note that says something like "I'm proud of you". It may seem silly, but sometimes that is all the icebreaker one needs to open communications.

 

Be honest with her instead of bullying. Admit that you are jealous of her success because you are afraid of losing her or of her suddenly thinking that you are not good enough for her.

 

A strong man doesn't need to be a tough man. Sensitivity even when forced, can be cathartic for you and for your relationship.

[Lil Honey]

THIS is worth repeating . . .

 

A strong man doesn't need to be a tough man.

[GuySimple]

There hasn’t been a day go by in our relationship that I haven’t told her how proud I am of her. I am certainly not jealous of her success. Quite the opposite. I have probably pushed her to developing her career.

 

Her complaints stem from times when the kids are screaming, I’m trying to keep them from bothering her, their P#ss’ed that mom is working late again etc., etc. She is oblivious to the chaos that goes on and is only fixated on her work. I ask for help and she’s stressed because of something at work and just blows.

 

Case in point, this month our marriage is about as close as you can get to being finished. We’ve decided to split for a while, permanent, who knows. But, she has been too business to take time out and discuss things. It has been like “go away I don’t have time” there is some really busy stuff at work.

 

I’ve been questioning why she hasn’t gone to talk to someone. Last night she said that she didn’t need to because she knows herself well. My response was that was great if you live in a world were only you count but in this world it is about dealing with other people, relationships and from where I sit you’re not doing so great.

 

I still can’t understand why someone who cared for their kids as much as she does wouldn’t attempt to get some sort of dialog going. I am starting to feel like a sales person for our marriage but the person whom I’m selling to is not interested.

 

We talked about me moving out but not telling the kids (they are away at school), but when they come home on holidays getting back together for them. Now I know my kids and that kind of deceit wouldn’t go over well.

 

Now I know she is not fooling around but when you look at her behavior it sure looks like a classic case of someone else. My councilor thought that maybe she was going through some sort of depression. Her mom did something similar to this, but later in life, to her dad and they eventually divorced and hate each others guts (after 26 years of marriage).

 

I don’t know what to do. If I go I’m afraid how the kids will take it. If I stay I’ll be miserable and frustrated. So, last night I told her that I would be best if I found somewhere else to live but that I really didn’t want to do that if there was a chance. She couldn’t bring herself to saying maybe I should stay.

 

Neither one of us has dealt with this properly. It should have been discussed months/years ago. I really think we let our kids down by not working on being a better partner to each other. Now we are about to turn their world upside down all because we avoided problems until it was too late.

 

I am really ashamed of myself and my wife for letting this happen.