Hiya85 Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 My bf is gorgeous in my eyes.. Physically,everything is on point and the intimacy is beyond great.. He makes love to me it's insane. He's a gentleman and has a provider mentality which is wonderful as I don't have to worry about being used financially like my previous relationship. So pretty much he's a great guy... My only issue is that he comes off EXTREMELY insecure. He complains about many things I like about him. It's starting to become annoying and he knows this.. He can't seem to help it. He has a decent career but I do make more than him. He's works hard so I can't knock him. He almost thinks I'm too good to be true. We've had silly disagreements that all pertained to something he thought I did. For example: He assumed I didn't want to kiss him in public and rejected his kiss. I had on lipstick and assumed he didn't want any on his lips so I gave him a hug and that cheek to cheek squeeze. So it was nothing against him. He's an overthinker like myself.. We're both Libras yikes lol.. Any who.. I would like to know what else I can do to make him feel worthy, secure.. And make him have a little more faith in me?
preraph Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 Is he insecure or does he just like to get his way? Or maybe both. Insecurities on his part can lead to can restricting you in ways that aren't fair, so why would just suggest you don't overlook those things but instead bring them up and insist on talking about them and let him know it's unreasonable and does not make you happy. Otherwise you are in danger of ending up very controlled and apologetic for something you did not do on a daily basis just to keep him smoothed over. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 I would like to know what else I can do to make him feel worthy, secure.. And make him have a little more faith in me? You can't. Self confidence has to come from within. That said, compliment him. Act like you are proud of him. Be his biggest cheerleader. Don't let him get down on himself. 3
9089 Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 Wow, you sound like a great girlfriend! All the one's that I had flew when they heard me talking about my insecurities. It was a major turnoff for them. Kudo's for wanting to help your BF!! I would suggest, talking from the spectrum as in having the same experiences, ask him about what ever made him insecure. Be understanding, if he breaks down, show support. Tell him you won't judge but that you truly care. In the end it's all about growing stronger together. Everyone has fears, help him overcome his! 1
Author Hiya85 Posted July 3, 2019 Author Posted July 3, 2019 (edited) Otherwise you are in danger of ending up very controlled and apologetic for something you did not do on a daily basis just to keep him smoothed over. Yes he's Def insecure and has admitted that his self confidence is shot and is shocked I gave him a chance. CONSTANT validation is going to be exhausting for me. He's been testing me a lot as well and I talked to him about that. I'm not out here to intentionally hurt anyone and dont want to be hurt as well. He also says things like "Promise me you won't string me along"... i jokingly sent a meme that said "WHEN YOU'RE UGLY AND A FINE GIRL LIKES YOU "..he made it about himself and said "I know right who sent you!" It's just weird... When you look at him on the outside you would think this man has a ton of confidence. I need to investigate don't you think? Edited July 3, 2019 by Hiya85
preraph Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 I just think it's important to confront him at the time each incident happens and communicate, but tell him when it becomes too exhausting or just face that it may not be a fun relationship to stay in if he's too high maintenance. Like D0nnivain said, it's not something you can change. It may stem from his childhood and take years of therapy and even then not change much. It's usually very deepseated, abandonment issues from childhood, or someone he never could get acceptance from or whatever. Beyond your pay grade. So you just stop him each and every time and deal with it then, but if nothing changes and it becomes a daily chore, well.....good looking or not, that's not sexy. 1
Author Hiya85 Posted July 3, 2019 Author Posted July 3, 2019 Wow, you sound like a great girlfriend! All the one's that I had flew when they heard me talking about my insecurities. It was a major turnoff for them. Kudo's for wanting to help your BF!! I would suggest, talking from the spectrum as in having the same experiences, ask him about what ever made him insecure. Be understanding, if he breaks down, show support. Tell him you won't judge but that you truly care. In the end it's all about growing stronger together. Everyone has fears, help him overcome his! Thank you!! I'm trying my best to be understanding. I have many insecurities myself that he embraces..he's also done a lot for me and I appreciate him so much.. He keeps telling my gf that he doesn't think I like him in a jokingly way..At some point that has to stop. I don't want him to sabotage what we have. The fact that I'm putting up with it and being patient with him should mean something.. I will surely take your advice. Thanks a bunch!
Lotsgoingon Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 Investigate? ... to what end? ... To discover what? You're not his therapist. You're his gf. Look, if there was something you could do to resolve and lessen his insecurities, trust me, it would be wildly known and viral ... or ... a total secrete because the secret holder would want to sell their techniques for money. It's really not healthy for you or fair to you to be with someone who needs constant reassurance. You do NOT want to date someone who thinks you are better than them and so on! Really the only step you can take is to sit him and down and say, "look, this whole doubt you're having about yourself ... does not work for me and makes me think we are not a good fit. I really need you to deal with this now, because I want to have a relationship that doesn't involve my partner feeling bad about themselves." In other words, the only thing that has a chance of working is for you to tell him to knock it off or you're walking. Literally, the message needs to be that strong. Only then will he get help or stop this nonsense. But do not babysit him and coddle him and treat him like a kid. You will get tired of that so soon. And the longer you let this go on ... the more you'll feel like it'll hurt him to break up ... and you wouldn't want to do that ... because he's so insecure! (You see the trap here, right!?) Basically he needs the woman he admires to tell him to shut up ... and/or get some psychological help. 4
Author Hiya85 Posted July 3, 2019 Author Posted July 3, 2019 Investigate? ... to what end? ... To discover what? You're not his therapist. You're his gf. Basically he needs the woman he admires to tell him to shut up ... and/or get some psychological help. I see him tonight so I'm pretty sure he will say something that puts himself down. I'll let him know then. Most guys mask their insecurities.. I've never seen a man so masculine be so weak. It makes me feel sorry for him and ur right about getting trapped. I need to really tell him to knock it off.
pinkpaw Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 I see him tonight so I'm pretty sure he will say something that puts himself down. I'll let him know then. Most guys mask their insecurities.. I've never seen a man so masculine be so weak. It makes me feel sorry for him and ur right about getting trapped. I need to really tell him to knock it off. I'm having this same problem right now and it is VERY exhausting, I feel ya. I said it to my guy straight: therapy. He started last week. I told him though that this is not for me, this is for HIM. If things don't change, I'm walking. It is so tiring, my god. 2
preraph Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 Is he putting himself down just to get you to contradict him, i.e., for attention? Because that will get old and is manipulative. You shouldn't ever reward any behavior you don't like in him. Like don't give him attention following one of those times. Leave the room but not in a huff, or just ignore it. I mean, do not dote on him to make him feel better when he's just having a pity party. Certainly don't coo over him and reward him with compliments. It's fine to say something to him about it and let him know you don't like it without making a federal case about it. At some point, you should let him know putting himself down is the opposite of sexy.
smackie9 Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 Do NOT, I mean DO NOT defend yourself or reassure him....when you do that all you are doing is enabling this bad behavior. It's like a drug...he keeps coming back for more and more...and it will never be enough. Tell him flat out this has to stop it. Every time he does it, tell him to cut it out, or ignore it, or shake your head and say "You are doing it again." Then tell him to take deep breaths and count to 10...hopefully this will retrain his brain from reacting to those triggers. If he can't do it, tell him to seek out therapy because if he doesn't get this fixed, it's going to destroy your relationship. 5
Author Hiya85 Posted July 3, 2019 Author Posted July 3, 2019 Is he putting himself down just to get you to contradict him, i.e., for attention? Because that will get old and is manipulative. You shouldn't ever reward any behavior you don't like in him. Like don't give him attention following one of those times. Leave the room but not in a huff, or just ignore it. I mean, do not dote on him to make him feel better when he's just having a pity party. Certainly don't coo over him and reward him with compliments. It's fine to say something to him about it and let him know you don't like it without making a federal case about it. At some point, you should let him know putting himself down is the opposite of sexy. Its hard to tell if he's fishing for attention bcz there was a time he said he doesn't need compliments.. So I don't fricken know. This behavior is draining esp when I'm trying my best to remain positive. It's Def not sexy...
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 Hmmm Step 1 know that this is who he is. You can’t change him. Step 2 if you want to accept him as he is flaws and all then all you can do is decide how do you want to react. You can continue to be a kind and caring girlfriend and give support, encouragement, and compliments. at the same time have boundaries against silly confrontations or any behaviors that’s troublesome. For example you give him a genuine compliment and he accuse you of being non genuine. Say one time “babe I meant what I said and I will no longer tolerate negative talk about yourself or my sincerity when I am trying to give you a compliment” Then leave it at that. If he keeps on arguing ignore his comments. Next time he does it again just ignore his negative comments. May have to give reminders every so often such as “are you done?” Or “Sorry don’t want to hear it” lol. But it’s much more effective to ignore when he goes that route and not say anything at all. Only show attention when he is being positive and appreciative and receptive. When he goes unnecessarily negative then go back to ignore his comments. Of course decipher between an actual issue he is having that needs your attention for conflict resolution but if he is just stuck on himself on a pity party then ignore. He will either stop all together or continue to get ignored when he have his Eeyore moments then come back to his senses when he is tired of being temporarily ignored. What you don’t do is get sucked into killing yourself trying to please him and basically kiss his butt to try to change him only for him to stay in that victim mentality because doing that will just enable him to continue to do it for attention. Don’t give that behavior attention. Step 3 if it’s too much to the point you can’t accept that about him then you breakup Good luck 1
crispytoast Posted July 4, 2019 Posted July 4, 2019 Its hard to tell if he's fishing for attention bcz there was a time he said he doesn't need compliments.. So I don't fricken know. This behavior is draining esp when I'm trying my best to remain positive. It's Def not sexy... I hate to say this because I can relate to the guy to a degree but it's not your job to fix him. If you really like him, you may choose to stay by his side through his healing process. There will be lots of times that are not sexy. It's a very Libra trait to be very loyal to your partner and it's one of the things I love about Libras but it can be very taxing with a partner who hasn't done their inner work. It is not your responsibility to do it for him, nor is it your fault if you decide you need something else. 3
preraph Posted July 4, 2019 Posted July 4, 2019 People who can't control their insecurities manifest their worst fears, and there really isn't anything you can do about it. 2
mark clemson Posted July 4, 2019 Posted July 4, 2019 Suggest you suggest to him that he go to IC for this. Just be sure to frame it in a way that doesn't make him feel even more insecure. HOPEFULLY he can address the issue to the point where it doesn't impact you and the relationship can progress.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted July 4, 2019 Posted July 4, 2019 My bf is gorgeous in my eyes.. Physically,everything is on point and the intimacy is beyond great.. He makes love to me it's insane. He's a gentleman and has a provider mentality which is wonderful as I don't have to worry about being used financially like my previous relationship. So pretty much he's a great guy... My only issue is that he comes off EXTREMELY insecure. He complains about many things I like about him. It's starting to become annoying and he knows this.. He can't seem to help it. He has a decent career but I do make more than him. He's works hard so I can't knock him. He almost thinks I'm too good to be true. We've had silly disagreements that all pertained to something he thought I did. For example: He assumed I didn't want to kiss him in public and rejected his kiss. I had on lipstick and assumed he didn't want any on his lips so I gave him a hug and that cheek to cheek squeeze. So it was nothing against him. He's an overthinker like myself.. We're both Libras yikes lol.. Any who.. I would like to know what else I can do to make him feel worthy, secure.. And make him have a little more faith in me? RUN! As far as you can! His insecurity will get worse. I dated a guy like that and nothing would satisfy him. He thought I was cheating/stepping out on him despite me not doing anything. Horoscope signs have nothing to do w/a insecure person. There is nothing you can do to make him feel secure or worthy because he will always find something to be unhappy w. I am an overthinker, but I'm not deathly insecure. 2
I'veseenbetterlol Posted July 4, 2019 Posted July 4, 2019 What is he insecure about? His looks? He is insecure about absolutely everything.
Gaeta Posted July 4, 2019 Posted July 4, 2019 A few thoughts here. I tend to make fun of myself. A lot. It's not because I am all insecure or anything, I just enjoy self-deprecating humor. I have had a few women misconstrue my jokes as me having really low self-esteem. Most of the time, it is quite the opposite. I can make jokes at my expense precisely because I do not have low self-esteem. My boyfriend has this same self-depreciating humor and I don't like it. When he uses self-mockery I simply say I am not replying to this type of self-mockery comment. It usually ends it there. OP: It takes 2 to feed a conversation, when your boyfriend starts self-depreciation, whether it's humor or serious, just reply you will not participate to this conversation and go do something else. 2
Sunlight72 Posted July 4, 2019 Posted July 4, 2019 Absolutely, solid advice. You've found a great guy - he's gorgeous, makes you feel loved, blows your socks off with the wonderful sex, is a gentleman, supports you when you are insecure, frames your relationship like he wants to make a partnership with you and take care of you instead of taking from you financially like your earlier boyfriends - this kind of guy is a dime a dozen - definitely your best move is to tell him he is insecure and dump him. That will give you back your own life alone, and give him a 'real' reason to second guess himself - it's a lose-lose, yippee!! How about you stop sending him "funny" things like "when a fine ass woman dates an ugly guy"? You really haven't given us info on how you treat him, so maybe you're already doing the following, I don't know (?). Do you always expect him to come to you? Do you go to his house? Do you bring him dessert if he's cooking you dinner? Do you stop by his work to just spend 2 minutes with him? Do you surprise him by getting in the shower with him when he wasn't expecting it and tell him you couldn't wait to get your hands on him? Do you introduce him to your friends as your 'hot boyfriend' with a big smile? Do you cook dinner for him sometimes? When he comes to pick you up do you wait in the house or do you go out to meet him when he pulls up and walk to the driver window and give him a kiss and a smile before he can get out? Do you show him you are happy to be with him? He should be doing these things for you too, but if you are doing none or few of these things for him, then get off your butt and show him with actions that you are lucky and happy to have him. I am pretty against you monitoring and 'correcting' his behavior. If a certain thing bugs you, I'd suggest ignoring it or laugh and simply say "I'm happy to be with you". But mainly put some attention on what he does that you do like. Reward it with a hand on his bicep or a kiss & hug, or a smile, or just move closer to him and bump hips, or grab his butt or something. Your original post asks what you can do to make him feel more worthy and secure. A follow up post you wrote said that he also has a lot of times that he is secure and things are good. So, enjoy and make those moments brighter, don't just let them go by. I don't think you should break down specific actions he's doing/not doing that turn you off, as that is putting more attention on those crappy behaviors - I don't know why you would want to focus on them. It also puts you in the role of parent - not good. If you actually want to try building a better relationship with this guy, I suggest being more active, and when it feels fun and natural use positive reinforcement. Best Wishes, Sunlight
Author Hiya85 Posted July 8, 2019 Author Posted July 8, 2019 What is he insecure about? His looks? Every damn thing from his looks to his career.. He downs himself all the time.
rightondude Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 I can sympathize with this dude. For the longest (forever) time I also had a very self-deprecating style of humor where every compliment I would receive was met with a response that I wasn't worthy of such. It has only been within the last couple of years that I realized the joke truly was on me and women (especially those I'd just met) didn't "get it" like my friends did. I learned to knock that crap off quick (probably not quick enough before chasing some off). It's not attractive and women don't find it endearing or humble like I guess I'd thought they would. I admit, when I now hear compliments like "you looked sexy" or "my friends said you are so handsome" or similar, I still cringe because I really don't want to hear that. Or actually, I long to hear that but I don't know what to do with it. I'm sure for some deep embedded reason. But, that's the same type of compliments I always give! I've learned to joke in the affirmative "yeah you/they obviously have good taste!" and it has worked so much better. I'm not sure how you should proceed with this; I guess have this dude talk to me or hopefully he figures it out on his own like I did.
rightondude Posted July 8, 2019 Posted July 8, 2019 A few thoughts here. I tend to make fun of myself. A lot. It's not because I am all insecure or anything, I just enjoy self-deprecating humor. I have had a few women misconstrue my jokes as me having really low self-esteem. Most of the time, it is quite the opposite. I can make jokes at my expense precisely because I do not have low self-esteem. If he really does have low self-esteem, I think telling him he needs to go to therapy is just gonna make things worse. Low self-esteem generally happens when a guy has been through the wringer in his last relationship or two. If you want to improve his self-esteem, consistently show him that you value him. The fact that a girl like you, one that he has so much respect for, actually wants him, will eventually help him out. Just be consistent with the guy. Don't give him any reasons to be insecure. Over time, the damage that has likely been done to him can reverse itself. this is spot on. If a dude has low self esteem/depression you will get a much different response than a self-deprecating joke type response. You will get a "nothing" response or a "whatever, I'm utterly useless and what's the point of life" type response. There is a difference. At the beginning stages of a relationship, though, I don't think women want to hear these types of jokes. They want a confident prize of a man who thinks as highly of themselves as they do, and says so. They don't find the joke especially funny. Maybe mixed in occasionally, but not every time all the time.
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