Giving my bf his millionth chance, but his social media habits concern me

[Jbali456]

I have a simple question, it is petty, but I wonder nevertheless. I have been with my bf for 4 years now. Like most relationships, it started out well..these past 1.5 years have been terrible with many issues. Mostly cheating on his part, lying, and problems with his horrible family. We are trying to make it work. He says he is 100% sure he wants to marry me.

 

When we started dating, he would post on instagram or facebook occassionally. Maybe once a month. When he would post on instagram, he would often use pictures of things we did together, but never us. For example, if we took a canoe ride, he would post a view/scenery pic, but not one of us. When his female friend visited though, he took a photo of her eating pancakes when they went out to brunch. Stuff like that.

 

I have told him this bothers me. I feel like he is embarassed of me, or wants to appear single or something, or anyway, that something was off. I would post photos of him.

 

He posted 2 of us maybe back in 2016 after I "complained". He now says he doesn't use social media, but this isn't true. Instagram and facebook list last login, and it's several times a day he logs in. He hasn't posted anything on instagram in over a year, and fb, who knows as it could be restricted even.

 

Same is for venmo even, he will make all his payments to me private, but with random people or friends, they're public.

 

I know this sounds stupid, I really know it does, but with his history of cheating, this is just one more thing about our relationship that makes me feel uneasy.

 

Does this sound like normal behaviour for someone who "doesn't use" social media?

[Orokotikki]

He is a cheater by nature.

 

He definitely certain he wants to marry you, because by this point he is certain you will not leave him over his cheating, which is the only kind of wife he wants.

 

So he can cheat on them.

 

To answer your Q: No, but it is normal behavior for a cake-eater or cheater.

[Jbali456]

Feel this could be true...It's only 11am here on the west coast and he's logged in about 5 times so far today. Makes me feel like he is sending instagram messages to someone or something. :-/

[d0nnivain]

His social media habits are not the issue. You are focused on the wrong things.

 

He has cheated on you. That is the issue.

 

You call his family horrible then say you two talk about marriage. If you marry, they become your family. That is the issue.

 

Social media is meaningless. Why are you choosing to focus on the trivial & ignore the actual red flags?

[preraph]

Of course he wants to marry you because you don't mind marrying a cheater and someone with a family who isn't going to be pleasant. He is completely single and doesn't want to give anyone else the impression he's not. whether you marry or not he is going to keep his options open and cheat if it pleases him.

 

So yes of course he wouldn't mind marrying you but why on Earth would you want to marry him?

[Jbali456]

His social media habits are not the issue. You are focused on the wrong things.

 

He has cheated on you. That is the issue.

 

You call his family horrible then say you two talk about marriage. If you marry, they become your family. That is the issue.

 

Social media is meaningless. Why are you choosing to focus on the trivial & ignore the actual red flags?

 

I am not focusing just on the trivial. I think part of my issue is, I am literally focusung on his every breath. I am analzying everything about his behaviors, as I somehow missed it all before when he was cheating.

 

Regarding his family, I don't think it's ideal that I don't like his mother or brother, but it certainly not uncommon. I get along with his dad and aunts and uncles. I don't think it's a dealbreaker. I haven't decided that I want to marry him yet though, for many reasons including trivial ones like what the eff is someone doing on social media lurking all day if they don't use it alledgedly.

[Jbali456]

He is completely single and doesn't want to give anyone else the impression he's not. whether you marry or not he is going to keep his options open and cheat if it pleases him.

 

This is what I mean. I think he knows from my reaction in the past about his lack of couples photos, that perhaps adding a new one could help my uneasy feeling about our relationship. I have gone ahead a month ago archiving all the ones I had of him on my social media. There's now none of him or us on my instagram. He either never looks at my instagram, hasn't noticed, or doesn't care.

[healing light]

Get rid of this guy. He's not loyal or faithful and his social media presence suggests he's single so he can keep his options open.

 

Have you ever met his friends? Does anyone in his real life know about your relationship?

[skywriter]

Just food for thought here. Many years ago I was in an affair and the married man I was involved in had or still does have a facebook account. He rarely posted personal information on it because he didn't want to have to deal with the backlash that came from loving photos etc.

 

If he keeps his relationship off the internet he won't have any explaining to do.

[littleblackheart]

From experience, I can tell you that his online media activity reflects how he views your relationship.

 

I literally had the same issue. This online media thing had low-grade bugged me for while (I barely use the thing, he told me he was the same but refused point blank to have any links with me on there) and I kind of let it go because I thought 'who cares. it's only Facebook'.

 

Anyway, after a ton of comings and goings in what was a super abusive marriage, and after 2 years of separation, I was stupidly contemplating going back to my exH 'for the sake of the kids'. One day he leaves my laptop open on his fb page (maybe he wanted me to find out, I don't really know), found out some pretty unsavoury stuff that he denied, made me feel bad for, etc.

 

I left him for good on the back of that, with no turning back. Sometimes, you just need a nudge - that was it for me.

 

It's not 'just' his social media habits; it's who he is.

 

You're right to be concerned. What you do with that is up to you, but I would say listen to your instincts.

[Jbali456]

Have you ever met his friends? Does anyone in his real life know about your relationship?

 

Yes, I have met all his friends. His best friend who lives 3000 miles away, doesn't like me. I have only met him about 4 or 5 times, and he has no reason for this. We used to get along quite well, and then one day he just stopped being nice to me. I think it's because my boyfriend used to talk a lot of sh*t about me though when we had problems and I was unaware we were having problems.

 

One thing that did bother me fairly recently though is 6 months ago we moved cross country and he didn't tell anyone. He only mentioned it to friends and family after we made the huge move because his mom was calling everyone asking if they'd seen/spoke to him. I found this extremely odd. I still don't know why he had done this, or what would prompt him to not disclose this.

Edited July 3, 2019 by Jbali456

[d0nnivain]

When you tally it all up:

 

cheating + bad family + social media + moving without telling anyone (who does that?) + you having real Qs about all of this

 

it equals

 

Dump him

[ExpatInItaly]

This is normal behaviour for a lying cheater who doesn't give a crap about you, yes.

 

That is what your relationship is, OP. You were incredibly foolish to go back to him.

[Blanco]

Focusing on his social media behavior is actually you avoiding the larger, more complex problem: His cheating. It'd be like having the roof of your home cave in and instead of fixing it, you devote your attention to replacing the bedspreads that were damaged in the accident.

[mark clemson]

Please do yourself a HUGE favor and don't marry this guy!!

[anika99]

He has cheated and lied. He is pretending to be single on social media. He lacks the courage to be honest, he doesn't like to be questioned or judged and that's why he moved without telling anyone. He doesn't like to explain himself and he doesn't like being held accountable. Perhaps he is also conflict avoidant. In any case he's a person who chooses the easiest path and he is not trustworthy.

 

It's one thing when a woman chooses to stay with a cheating husband whom she shares children with. Divorce and breaking up a family can be really hard, but it's nuts to stay with a cheater when you're not even married. Especially since he is still being sneaky and dishonest. He should be thrilled that you forgave the cheating and willing to do whatever it takes to earn your trust back. If you tell him that you would like him to acknowledge his relationship with you on social media then he should be plastering pictures of you all over his platform. The fact that he is still hiding you even though he knows it causes you angst and distrust just goes to show that he doesn't really have any remorse for the cheating.

[Inspire]

I am not focusing just on the trivial. I think part of my issue is, I am literally focusung on his every breath. I am analzying everything about his behaviors, as I somehow missed it all before when he was cheating.

 

That isn't good if you want a healthy relationship. I am not saying your concerns are not justified, but I am saying that this fear, anxiety, and doubt will more than likely never go away. I know what that feels like. It is toxic.

[Beendaredonedat]

cheating on his part, lying,

I didn't read past that line. Honey, get yourself away from him. Everytime he does something like that and now what you are on here about this time, and you stay with him, you are enabling him to be a waste of male flesh. You are teaching him that he can do anything to you and you are ridiculously going to stay with him.

 

He's sure he wants to marry you? Please, what a horrible husband he will be, particularly because he has been give a free pass to do what he does and you stay.

 

You might want to think about getting yourself into counseling to figure out what is going on within you that you would tolerate such emotional abuse from such a waste of skin. Staying with someone who treats you like he has is not something to be commended for doing. It is a blatant sign of codependency addiction.

[The Outlaw]

There's nothing to work out. He's cheated. He's lied. That would be more than enough for me. There would be no second chance. Once trust and loyalty are out the window, so is the relationship. Do NOT marry him.

[MINAKO]

There's nothing to work out. He's cheated. He's lied. That would be more than enough for me. There would be no second chance. Once trust and loyalty are out the window, so is the relationship. Do NOT marry him.

 

I second this. I would get out now, before getting more involve with someone like this.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I know this sounds stupid, I really know it does, but with his history of cheating, this is just one more thing about our relationship that makes me feel uneasy.

 

Does this sound like normal behaviour for someone who "doesn't use" social media?

 

I'm willing to bet hard cash you already know the answer to your own question.

 

Where there is smoke, there is fire.

 

Now comes the hard question...what are you going to do about it?