Kyler Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 I’m going to try and make this log story as short as possible. I’m a M(20) my ex is F(20). We started dating in Highschool 10th grade. Was together almost 4 years. I moved in with her at 18, and when she turned 18 we got our own apartment. Anyways. Very much so a lot of firsts. She wasn’t my first sexual partner. As I had had sex with another female one time before her. But I was her first. She was my first love, but I was not hers. Her Ex and her only dated about 10 months I think when she was 8th to 9th grade. We broke up and it was really nasty. It ended with her friends not liking me, and her family not liking me. Same on both sides. Nobody wanted us together but it seemed like that kept us going until we both couldn’t anymore. We ended our journey late February, and hadn’t started talking again until the end of July almost a total of three months with no contact after years of being side by side. She recently found new friends and has invited me over on multiple occasions. Her new friends are awesome and really enjoy my company the 2nd time hanging out I got invited to a get together by the host. Things have been great. The first time we hung out after everything we had sex. It was amazing. She told me she hadn’t slept with another man because she has always been self concerned about her lady parts. With her having extra skin. She has verbally told me right now she doesn’t want a relationship with me or anyone else. Right now she is going through a lot. Getting behind on bills after I had left. Losing her job she had been at for going on three years. So I understand. She has not told me she would never want me again. Only that she doesn’t want a relationship right now. Last weekend when I was with her and her friends I got very drunk to where I couldn’t cooperate and she ended up helping me in her car. Taking me to her apartment and making me a place to sleep. When I woke up I felt better so I went in her room got in bed and I held her as tight as I could. There were other instances where she was sad and I took care of her the only way I knew I could. Let her cry in my shoulder. Today she had mentioned again that she didn’t want to be sending me mixed emotions and wants to know where I stand. I love her. I’ll always love her being my first. But she’s mentioned it three times in the last two weeks trying to see where I stand. But I’ve been holding my ground. Not letting her know my true feelings of hoping things go somewhere. Weather it be 6 months or Two years from now. So I tell her I’m just looking to have a good time for the summer, to have her back in my life, and make new friends and that I had no intentions of getting on my knees asking her to be with me again. Even though that is how I feel. But I don’t want to open up to her about that so soon after starting to talk again. Anyways. When we hangout it it rarely gets sexual because I think we are both wanting to see how we are going to react in certain situations. To see if things have changed. Because at the end of the day and I can vouch for her. She just wants to be happy, and feel safe. We had a very toxic relationship. Physical, and mental abuse. It was for the best we broke up. But things are a lot different now. Or have been. Especially after no contact over three months. I grew up a lot and opened my eyes a lot. Things that used to effect me I’ve seen a new way of looking into each situation. She is always open to seeing me, and enjoys my company. But I also know things can get sexual between us as long as we both want that of course. I know this is a risky game. Because she has told me how she feels, and the only thing I can do is think things are being done as a test to see if I have changed, or she’s trying to protect her self. Has anyone ever had a FWB relationship and it actually turned out into them working out? I miss her a lot. But I don’t even just miss her sexually. I miss all the time she wanted to pop my black heads but I complained and wouldn’t let her because it hurt me. I miss being able to hold her, and kiss her forehead. I miss all the chances I had to hug her as tight as I could because I was angry. I know you guys don’t know her side of the story, and she isn’t the type of person so sleep around. That’s honest. Being as insecure as she has always been. I also would expect a talk from her saying that if we had a FWB we would be commited to one another on that basis only. So we don’t risk getting diseases and transmit them. But that hasn’t been talked about on account of us only having sex once since then. But cuddling in our underwear, and kissing, and the emotional support I have offered her. But I could see it being talked about soon. I mentioned that I just wanted to be happy, and have a good summer. that it would also be nice to have benefits with her. Because we both have needs. Which she didn’t agree nor deny. Maybe not the best conversation at 1pm. But I was telling her how I felt. We have started to become decent friends again, and I expect to ask her out more and more. Trying to talk more and more. As I work 3rd so I’m able to take her to breakfast or spend time with her on her days off before I go into work. I just want anyone’s honest opinion. I know you guys really know one side of the story. But do you think it’s possible things could become fixed? That we could try again? Sex is very emotional for her, and I think eventually. If things stay in the path they are things will work out. Because even her new friends asked if we were together, and I think want me around her more. Which helps to know she’s around people that could help her see that I am making her happy. Any input is really appreciated, and I don’t want anything sugar coated. Thank you.
d0nnivain Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 If you love her & want to get back together with her tell her already. Playing some childish power game is not helping matters. She can't read your mind. The fact that this was a "very toxic relationship. Physical, and mental abuse" IMNSHO, you are being foolish to go back. You are both 20 years old. You are the only real relationship the other knows. It may be time to make a clean break. Some grade school crush doesn't count. Stop kidding yourselves. 3 months of NC did not cause either one of you to grow up. Talk to me in 3 YEARS then maybe you will have some real perspective on this. Think about it, everybody who loves both of you wants you apart. That many people can't be wrong. 2
Mrin Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 I stopped at mental and physical abuse. No. move on. If you want a brain explanation you have to understand that abuse (especially physical abuse) is an extremely traumatic experience with all sorts of extreme emotions. When you have that experience with such intense emotions, especially if it is repeated, it basically burns the neural connections into a person's brain. Unwiring those connections, especially with the same person with which you formed them in the first place, is extremely difficult. To put it another way, no matter how good things are right now and how hard you try to be different, when things aren't good or when push comes to shove, then one or both of you will revert back to those old habits (neural connections) and well, push will come to shove. You'll be right back in that toxic mess. Move along and do some personal work to unwire those abuse connections. Do NOT bring them into another relationship with someone else. 2
Inspire Posted July 6, 2019 Posted July 6, 2019 I think you're setting yourself up for an even harder fall. She has made her intentions clear, and by all accounts, you've agreed but in the back of your head you want to reconcile. There is no "test" ... You're just projecting your own inner feelings and that gives you hope. You're in the worst possible position to be in a FWB realtionship.
Beendaredonedat Posted July 6, 2019 Posted July 6, 2019 We had a very toxic relationship. Physical, and mental abuse. It was for the best we broke up. But things are a lot different now. Or have been. Especially after no contact over three months. I grew up a lot and opened my eyes a lot. If you love her you will distance yourself from her by telling her that you have to work on yourself with the help of a therapist so that you don't revert back to being in a toxic, abusive relationship with her once the shine wears off your lust and infatuation. You may think you'e grown and "look at things differently" but that's only because you've not been tested with the triggers that make you both unlovinging to one another. Leave her alone, work on yourself with the help of a therapist, get anger management courses over with and then and only then should you even talk to her never mind try to win her over through a friends with benefits emotional addiction.
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