Cora Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 So I met this guy on POF. We talked for a couple days and then finally met up on Sunday. We ended up sleeping together that night which probably wasn’t the best choice since I basically threw all my standards out the window, but that’s on me and I take full responsibility for it. He asked if I was free today before I left his place on Sunday because he said he’d like to see me again. So we made plans to meet at my place after work. He’s off today anyway as he’s a pilot and his schedule is kind of all over the place. Anyway, before we met I made it clear as what I was looking for and he said he wasn’t looking for something casual either, but I’m aware all of that kinda goes out the window once you sleep together so soon. So I haven’t heard from him since Sunday when we met. Also we haven’t exchanged numbers yet....all communication has been through the dating site which I find kinda weird. He has been on the site since our meeting. My question is, is he waiting on me to contact him since I haven’t actually given him my address yet and we didn’t discuss a time? Or do I need to just take the hint that he’s no longer interested and he basically got what he was looking for and now he’s done? Not that it probably matters, but he is 42 and I’m 36.
olivetree Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 Let's back up a bit. Meeting at your place is just setting things up to have sex again. Is that what you want?
Mrin Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 What olivetree said. However, I don't see any harm in reaching out to ask what's up. Due to the sex on first date, this is no longer a pursuer-pursued type courtship ritual. This is more of a "so we getting together or what" sort of thing.
LoverOfDance Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 Cora, i read your previous thread. Don't beat yourself up about sleeping with him early. What's done is done. As for this guy, i think it's unfortunate that men as old as him still act like f*** boys. This isn't going to go anywhere. Not because you slept with him early but because you slept with him 2 days ago and he hasn't reached out to check up on you. He doesn't sound like a gentleman. You can go ahead and chase him if you want. Maybe you'll end up dating him. I would wait for someone better though. You deserve better. 2
preraph Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 Pilots are notorious for having extramarital affairs. He's only communicating to you on that site because he's married or otherwise taken. What he says and what he does is two different things. If he wasn't wanting casual and you weren't wanting casual, you wouldn't have slept with each other first date. 5
Iris The Butterfly Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 (edited) I’m sorry- if you sleep with someone on the first date, as you already know, it is highly unlikely you will hear from the guy again. If you do it’s only going to be to hook up. Doesn’t matter if you said you were looking for something serious, your actions showed sex was priority. If you want a serious relationship you just cannot have sex on the first date or even first handful of dates or until exclusive. Words alone are cheap. Actions are what matter. No judgement at all. Sex on first date That’s really hard to come back from. It’s not fair but it’s the truth. It’s also true that early sex has zero influence on whether a guy will want to pursue IF he already really wanted to. It wouldn’t make any difference. I’m not saying anything against sex early on. All my serious relationships began with sex within the first couple weeks of dating. But never from a first date. It happens, sure. But I would say the fact that he hasn’t asked for your number or made concrete plans by now means he’s probably not going to contact you. I wouldn’t contact him either, personally. You could message him and ask. But just know that if he really wanted to date you he’d be booking up that second date fast. A guy who is interested would be a gentleman and ask to take you out on a proper date (not at your home) after first time sex. Remember- if he doesn’t contact you within 24 hours of sex for the first time- his interest is low and or elsewhere. Especially if he’s active online and a pilot in and out of the area. Age seems irrelevant when it comes to this stuff. A 42 year old man will act the same as a 32 year old in this situation I think. Bottom line- he didn’t ask for your number. He didn’t set up a concrete second date that doesn’t involve the bedroom as far as you know. It’s going on three days since you last spoke. I would say- he’s not interested. Edited July 2, 2019 by littlebridge 1
smackie9 Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 Hah guys lie, women lie...so whatever comes out of ones mouth should be taken with a grain of salt. lots of women on OLD sites say they are looking for serious, as to not look like a total w$%^&@, but they do want to hook up....and just because a guys say they want serious doesn't mean he's going to want to get to know YOU in particular...they will take sex whenever it is given regardless. you guys has a fun night, and that's all is going to come out of this. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 Move on. Date other men. A guy that really is into you will contact and set another date. Next time stick to your boundaries. Good luck! 2
d0nnivain Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 He will not contact you & you should not contact him either. You said you were not looking for casual but then you acted in a causal way about sex. At this point he thinks you are not a truthful person because your actions don't match your words. I'm not judging you for your action; if you had fun good for you! He is judging you however & his conclusion is unfavorable. Sorry. Going forward never meet strangers at your house. It's just unsafe. 2
BC1980 Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 The fact that you haven't exchanged numbers is telling. I would not contact him again. Men and women are different when it comes to sex, and having sex early on usually benefits men. It's a lot easier for men not to develop feelings or an attachment from sex. 1
The Outlaw Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 It wouldn't hurt to drop him a line and see where it goes from here. But honestly, if he were at all interested, he'd contacted you back first. Or he was just looking for a hookup.
Author Cora Posted July 2, 2019 Author Posted July 2, 2019 Thanks for the input. I figured that was the case....that I was just another notch in his belt so to speak and now he’s done, but I just wanted some thoughts on the matter. Lesson learned....moving on.
Foxhall Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 Sorry Cora, agreeing does not look good, he would have asked for your number if interested, better luck next time, do not feel the need to compromise your values, take it at your own pace. 1
Author Cora Posted July 2, 2019 Author Posted July 2, 2019 Let's back up a bit. Meeting at your place is just setting things up to have sex again. Is that what you want? Honestly, not sure what I want. I mean I ultimately want a relationship at some point with someone I connect with. Not sure I see him as relationship material though....at least not for me. I guess it would have been nice just to have fun for a bit since it’s been awhile. Like a fwb kind of thing, but apparently he doesn’t want that either.....or at least not with me. Who knows, maybe I just didn’t do it for him sexually. I have no clue...or maybe he found someone he likes better.
Flame Aura Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 Honestly, not sure what I want. I mean I ultimately want a relationship at some point with someone I connect with. Not sure I see him as relationship material though....at least not for me. I guess it would have been nice just to have fun for a bit since it’s been awhile. Like a fwb kind of thing, but apparently he doesn’t want that either.....or at least not with me. Who knows, maybe I just didn’t do it for him sexually. I have no clue...or maybe he found someone he likes better. And that's the uncertainty you get when you give it up so easy and quick.
LoverOfDance Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 Wow, you're really down on yourself Cora. I'm actually 90% sure that if you reached out to this guy and asked for a friend w benefits, he would be down with it. When a guy isn't looking for a relationship with you, you'd be perfect for him if you are low maintenance. In other words, you are willing to accept the least amount of effort from him. If you want a fwb, all you have to do is reach out to be honest. I don't think you realize how much power you have as a woman. I wouldn't advise you to actually reach out though. From what you've written in your threads, i think you want a relationship. I think that if you go for a fwb with this guy, you'll likely end up hurt. I think that you want to feel wanted. Every woman wants that. Just be patient and keep searching. He's out there.
Redhead14 Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 You've only met this guy once. Do not give him your address. You should be meeting him at a public place for at least the first 2 dates, preferably 3. Don't let him pick you up. You don't know what kind of guy you're dealing with . . . 1
Author Cora Posted July 3, 2019 Author Posted July 3, 2019 Wow, you're really down on yourself Cora. I'm actually 90% sure that if you reached out to this guy and asked for a friend w benefits, he would be down with it. When a guy isn't looking for a relationship with you, you'd be perfect for him if you are low maintenance. In other words, you are willing to accept the least amount of effort from him. If you want a fwb, all you have to do is reach out to be honest. I don't think you realize how much power you have as a woman. I wouldn't advise you to actually reach out though. From what you've written in your threads, i think you want a relationship. I think that if you go for a fwb with this guy, you'll likely end up hurt. I think that you want to feel wanted. Every woman wants that. Just be patient and keep searching. He's out there. Well I did reach out to him....just not in those exact words. I just said “did you still want to meet up today?” Crickets.....and he’s been back on the site several times since then so I know he’s a read my message. He’s just not interested in a fwb or anything with me apparently. But you are right. I do ultimately want a relationship with the right guy. I would have just ended up getting attached to him and being hurt in the end. So it’s all for the best. I’m just starting to think that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea for me to start dating again or at least OLD. I’ve only been at it for almost 4 weeks and all I’ve met so far are guys who are just looking for sex/something casual or guys professing their love to me after only talking for a couple days. Oh and I can’t forget the fake profiles of guys using pics they found online of random men. Where are all the guys in between who want something meaningful, but are willing to take it slow and get to know you? Seems like a rare breed these days.
Author Cora Posted July 3, 2019 Author Posted July 3, 2019 You've only met this guy once. Do not give him your address. You should be meeting him at a public place for at least the first 2 dates, preferably 3. Don't let him pick you up. You don't know what kind of guy you're dealing with . . . I’m not giving him my address. We are done now. I know it was pretty stupid on my part going to his place for the first meeting and not that it makes any difference, I asked for his full name before I met him and did a background check. He asked jokingly if I wanted to see some ID as well? I told him as a matter of fact I do. I don’t think he expected me to really want to see it, but he gave me 3 forms of ID and they seemed to check out. But yeah....probably shouldn’t meet like this again. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 Cora So you let a guy hit. So what. Listen you do some stupid things in dating. You say “well crap that didn’t feel good lol. Not doing that again.” You learn. You correct going forward and move on. I’m serious about sex within exclusivity but I have screwed up and broke my boundary before. It’s not the end of the world my friend. Me having boundaries in dating and improving boundaries was/is a gradual journey. As you date you get practice on what feels good to you and what doesn’t. What works. What doesn’t. Trial and error. Of course learn from others mistakes if you can and that’s most optimal but you can learn from your own. You don’t have to take yourself completely out of it unless you really want to, okay? Get back out there when your ready. You will be fine. 1
Johnson1 Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 (edited) It's best to look down the road as far as wanting to pursue a relationship with those who perpetually travel for a living. Chances are he's cheating on someone else with you and just told you what he knew you wanted to hear just to get you in bed, then move on. If you really want something serious with someone don't go after money and status because they have a high-profile job. They'll be the first ones to cheat on you in their travels and you'll be constantly second-guessing his faithfulness ( if that's something you want to put yourself through). Stick with guys within your area that have normal day jobs. I know this from personal experience. The lady I'm with was married to a man who is a traveling salesman and she found out he had been cheating on her for years. Edited July 3, 2019 by Vocals5
Author Cora Posted July 3, 2019 Author Posted July 3, 2019 Cora So you let a guy hit. So what. Listen you do some stupid things in dating. You say “well crap that didn’t feel good lol. Not doing that again.” You learn. You correct going forward and move on. I’m serious about sex within exclusivity but I have screwed up and broke my boundary before. It’s not the end of the world my friend. Me having boundaries in dating and improving boundaries was/is a gradual journey. As you date you get practice on what feels good to you and what doesn’t. What works. What doesn’t. Trial and error. Of course learn from others mistakes if you can and that’s most optimal but you can learn from your own. You don’t have to take yourself completely out of it unless you really want to, okay? Get back out there when your ready. You will be fine. Honestly, I don’t know why I even went for this guy. He’s not the type I’d normally go for. He had this cocky aura about him. Almost like he thought he was better than everyone....like “I have money, good looks and the ability to get any girl I want.” That’s pretty much all he talked about was how great his job is and how he’s traveled to pretty much every country. But hey, it happened and I’m not going to dwell on my mistakes. I don’t know about the OLD....I have been talking to one guy who I’m not really attracted to looks wise, but looks isn’t that important to me and he has an awesome personality....we seem to have a lot in common. And we both found out we lived in the same small town 22 years ago and never met. We both moved and just so happen to live in the same state now. However, he does live an hour away which isn’t really much, but still don’t know how that would work out if we did decide to date. Anyway, thanks for your response. I guess I just didn’t expect to feel these roller coaster of emotions getting back into dating. It’s exhausting feeling all these highs and lows.
Author Cora Posted July 3, 2019 Author Posted July 3, 2019 It's best to look down the road as far as wanting to pursue a relationship with those who perpetually travel for a living. Chances are he's cheating on someone else with you and just told you what he knew you wanted to hear just to get you in bed, then move on. If you really want something serious with someone don't go after money and status because they have a high-profile job. They'll be the first ones to cheat on you in their travels and you'll be constantly second-guessing his faithfulness ( if that's something you want to put yourself through). Stick with guys within your area that have normal day jobs. I know this from personal experience. The lady I'm with was married to a man who is a traveling salesman and she found out he had been cheating on her for years. That is so sad. Yeah, I don’t think that kind of life is for me. I want what my parents have. Been married for 47 years....although it wasn’t without problems. My brother and I watched as our father cheated on our mother for several years when we were teenagers. He got so comfortable with it that he no longer tried to hide it from us because he knew we wouldn’t tell on him. But one day we did because by keeping it a secret we felt as if we were betraying our mom, but at the same time telling her felt like we were betraying him. Things were never the same between them and he never really acted the same toward us. Mom ended up forgiving him though and they are still together....just not the same.
rightondude Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 Cora: DO NOT beat yourself up about what you did. You had sex on the first date, big deal. You wanted him or that D at that time and did it/got it. If it is done with the right person it can work and make the bond stronger. If it is with a D-bag who only wanted that in the first place, then that's what it will be, a one night stand. Unfortunately that's what appears to have happened this time. I myself am absolutely infatuated with a girl who I had sex with on the first date and we're about to spend the next couple of days together on date #4. I am not humble bragging (it will probably fail miserably soon enough), I am just saying this was not the cause of the situation you're in now. Her "giving it up" didn't change my opinion of her at all; I knew I wanted more from the get go. If you had held out longer, yeah you may have been taken out a couple more times but likely the same result would have occurred. And then it would have likely been a worse feeling. I'd say keep doing what you're doing but don't settle for less. Keep going for the guys who awaken the animal AND human attraction for and act on it. If you have any inkling they may only be looking for a hit it and quit it, respond accordingly, but don't lower your standards. You're OK girl.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 It sounds like it was one night of fun, yes, but he's lost interest. Actually, you evidently have confirmation of that since he has not replied to you. It doesn't mean you shouldn't keep looking, but it's better not to get in bed with a man if you want to see if he's seriously looking for a relationship first.
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