bne55 Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 Hello, I posted this on another relationship forum so if you already have seen this simply ignore. I wasn't sure if this belongs in the Long Distance category but its a little more than distance. I met my Girlfriend back in January on Bumble. I do like her a lot but there are some things that make me think a lot about what I got my self into and possibly re consider what I got into, Here's the low down. I am 26 years old and work a pretty good paying job but the hours and days off are not your normal. She works a 4 day a week Job and puts in about 12 hours a day. Like I mentioned I met her on Bumble and I think how the paths crossed is when I was away on a Job. We are in Wisconsin, I been here just about my whole life and absolutely love it. She is 25 and a transplant from Texas who moved here with her Family a summer ago, She had no experience with our weather and what you really need to survive here, however both her parents are originally Wisconsinites. We currently live an hour away from each other and since she was from Texas and the time we met I had to meet her somewhere and do our dates she didnt know how to drive in our Winter Weather. I later discovered she does not have a car and living in Larger city suffers from Anxiety when it comes to driving so this has made things extremely difficult on me as She cannot come see me when its convenient which leaves me to when the time is right to go see her and that has added up on me in many ways. when moving here she also did not make it a priority to get a new license and ended up letting it expire and the state would not issue her a license, she currently walks to work. I don't want to go into non relevant stuff but the Family only has 2 vehicles, 1 is always gone because her Father is always gone on Business, The other Mom Protects like no tomorrow and Mom is unwilling to help her out and Brother is a useless Basement Living Video Gamer. The Car and Driving came to the picture way too late and had I known the real issues before Hand I probably wouldn't of got my self into this. She says she is trying to save up for a car but cannot get to the DMV to take a road test unless her father is home to use his vehicle since Mom wont help her out. It really limits her Freedom and puts stress on both of us and I am getting to the point I don't know how much longer I can go. I have offered her to use my car to get the test in but she sounded very against it as she isn't familiar with driving my car and I think she is actually deathly afraid of driving. I didnt mean to make this long but I need some advice as Summer will soon be over and Old Man Winter will be on its way and we are back to Square 1. I am also not in a position to move closer to her because it would move me further away from my Work location. She also doesn't have any friends her so I am the only one she has and she believes she is very deep with me but I don't quite feel the same way. Am I not being Patient enough? Should I start maybe look into something/someone closer that I can give more time and attention to? Appreciate any advice, feedback or if I can clarify or add more details. Brent
amaysngrace Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 If she already had a license she’s not afraid of driving. She probably just doesn’t see a need since she doesn’t have a car. Why doesn’t she have a car if she’s living at home and is 25 years old? She sounds abnormal.
Author bne55 Posted July 2, 2019 Author Posted July 2, 2019 If she already had a license she’s not afraid of driving. She probably just doesn’t see a need since she doesn’t have a car. Why doesn’t she have a car if she’s living at home and is 25 years old? She sounds abnormal. When her and her Family moved up they downsized major and I believe vehicles were one as I think they figured moving from San Antonio to a city only 45,000 and where they chose to live they didnt need it all the extra things since they feel they have everything they need in their backyard but still seems odd. I don't know if she actually had a car in Texas or not She had mentioned she had anxiety from the way people drove down there and either got in accidents or seeing them. She says she had a choice to move with the family or stay in Texas, I don't know if she felt obligated to move because Mom loves her daughter so much and that's who her mom prefers to have at home. Mom has health issues and refuses a visiting nurse or care taker for her condition. The car, driving and license is a very touchy subject I try not to bring up with her because I know it bothers her.
amaysngrace Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 (edited) It seems very odd that her mom expects her to be her nurse but won’t let her use the car. I wouldn’t get too attached if you can help it. She’s been raised to be a needy person by a mom who is a needy person. Feeling trapped is the result of being involved with someone like that. Edited July 2, 2019 by amaysngrace
preraph Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 This driving thing is becoming a bigger problem all the time and it seems to coincide with people who have just kind of developed some anxiety because they haven't gotten out of the house much in general. My friend has the same problem with her 20 year old son, but yet he still wants her to drive him places. He has a car and won't get his license. He has all kinds of anxiety and I'm sure that's just one of them. If her family just moved from Texas what there is just no way you can get along without a car in any place in Texas because Texas is big and spread out. I live in Texas. Everyone drives except the new generation who are anxious about everything. This is a legitimate concern. Because it's more than just she hasn't gotten her license. It's indicative of bigger problems, anxiety problems, and even worse it's indicative that she isn't willing to do what she needs to do to be self-sufficient and is looking to just lean on someone who will do things for her. I can only tell you that I would never be down for that. It sounds to me like she just wants to be a kid forever. I guess this happens when parents don't raise their children to be successful adults but just raise them to continue to be children and let them do whatever they want instead of what they need to do. I'm afraid you're going to end up more of a parental figure to her if you stay in it. And I can tell you that that will not make for a very romantic sexy relationship after a little while because parent-child relationships are not sexual. You are perfectly right to have some standards for who you commit to. Also you're pretty young to be committing to anyone on any permanent basis. Maybe you should disentangle from her and date for a another few years and commit to someone who's more mature and who will make it equal self-sufficient partner. 1
Author bne55 Posted July 2, 2019 Author Posted July 2, 2019 This driving thing is becoming a bigger problem all the time and it seems to coincide with people who have just kind of developed some anxiety because they haven't gotten out of the house much in general. My friend has the same problem with her 20 year old son, but yet he still wants her to drive him places. He has a car and won't get his license. He has all kinds of anxiety and I'm sure that's just one of them. If her family just moved from Texas what there is just no way you can get along without a car in any place in Texas because Texas is big and spread out. I live in Texas. Everyone drives except the new generation who are anxious about everything. This is a legitimate concern. Because it's more than just she hasn't gotten her license. It's indicative of bigger problems, anxiety problems, and even worse it's indicative that she isn't willing to do what she needs to do to be self-sufficient and is looking to just lean on someone who will do things for her. I can only tell you that I would never be down for that. It sounds to me like she just wants to be a kid forever. I guess this happens when parents don't raise their children to be successful adults but just raise them to continue to be children and let them do whatever they want instead of what they need to do. I'm afraid you're going to end up more of a parental figure to her if you stay in it. And I can tell you that that will not make for a very romantic sexy relationship after a little while because parent-child relationships are not sexual. You are perfectly right to have some standards for who you commit to. Also you're pretty young to be committing to anyone on any permanent basis. Maybe you should disentangle from her and date for a another few years and commit to someone who's more mature and who will make it equal self-sufficient partner. She has 6 other siblings 3 being well older than her and from her Parents previous Marriages, 2 of them live in Texas 1 lives an hour south of where she currently lives. She has 3 Siblings from her Parents Oldest and Youngest stayed in Texas and the 2 middle children stayed with the Family. I don't know if this is suppose to "mean something" or not When we do see each other she likes to be attached to me every minute possible, this is where I think she may be way too deep with me and she tells me a lot she loves me and I think she thinks that in a term I am not quite comfortable with. Meaningless to say if I let her go I know she would not take it very well. I am really her only person she has as she really does not have any friends here and her hobbies are restricted due to not having a car and only having a permit and not an actual license. Our work schedules do not align, I work for the Railroad as an Engineer and work various hours on call with mid week days off while she works M-T 10-12 hours a day in a Bakery. Being an hour from each other and an hour a different direction from my work does not really allow me to see her because if the phone rings then it puts me in a bad position. She tells me shes been doing what she can to work on it but I guess as they say you gotta do what you gotta do to make it work and unfortunately those resources are not available to her. 1
preraph Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 well you can't stay with someone just because they won't like it if you break up with them or just because they haven't made other friends. She's young and she can still make friends. Being someone's only contact is going to get really draining. probably what she needs more than anything is to get out on her own and have to support herself and be self-sufficient so she grows into an adult, but she certainly seems to be fighting that. You do what you need to do. As far as her not liking in The break-up, the longer you put it up the less she'll like it because she'll be more invested as well as dependent. I think you're going to find that she's going to be very dependent. If your heart is not in it you should just get out. You're at a great age to date other people and you got a few years before you're probably really ready to settle down.
Author bne55 Posted July 2, 2019 Author Posted July 2, 2019 It sounds to me like she just wants to be a kid forever. I guess this happens when parents don't raise their children to be successful adults but just raise them to continue to be children and let them do whatever they want instead of what they need to do. This firmly applies to her Brother, Had I done this to my parents my @$$ would of been kicked to the curb in a heartbeat. I think My Girlfriend is on a track but lacking what she needs. I had a talk with her about this last night and I know it bothers her, she says shes doing what she can to save and make it work but of course I cant see the money she makes or how much she has saved so that's why it seems no progress is being made. She told me She would be off Thursday and Friday and knowing I would be possible on assignment her first thought was to spend time with me (If I am in her area for work I start at Midnight and go until as late as Noon and need to take rest before I work again, so I'm usually sleeping most of it so she doesn't really realize it isn't an option unless she wants to lay in bed with me all afternoon) I then went to ask if her Father would be home then I merely suggested she get to the DMV to get her license and spend a day driving with her dad. I don't think she would of thought of this had I not said something
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