Am I dating an alcoholic?

July 7, 2019

Although it's done and dusted, I can't stop asking myself, "Why did he have to order three pints and drink them in front of me in such a manner as to say f##k off to me?"

Because you bruised his ego which is no concern to you. What you should be concerned about is keeping yourself emotional safe and from getting into codependent relationships in which you try to fix someone who can only fix themselves.

You did the right thing by getting him out of your life. He would always put his pints before you and your wishes that he be a different man.

Now stop trying to analyse him and accept your (rightly so) decision to not carry on with him.

... I'll add that what one alcoholic looks like doesn't mean one that looks different or acts different isn't one. Functioning alcoholics are abundant in this world but they still have all the horrible traits that one that isn't functioning has.

Edited July 7, 2019 by Beendaredonedat

July 8, 2019

He sounds like a heavy drinker to be sure. Are you as well? If the man's trash is all bottles and cans, he can argue that he had guests but you have to wonder who those guests were, Guns and Roses? Is he an alcoholic? Probably.

You're not going to change this situation. All you can do is walk away from it and hope he gets the help he needs. When you're a young woman, you think that you can change situations with people, but you can't. Walk away and you'll be happier.

July 9, 2019

Well, I never thought any of it would happen. I bumped into him earlier when I went to a pub with my sister for a meal after work. Things couldn't have been anymore awkward and one could have easily cut the tension with a knife - that is, until he spoke to me just before I left.

Unlike last time when he never looked at me, I saw him looking at me several times. I know it has nothing to do with me and perhaps I was being a little bit too intrusive, but I was counting how many pints he had before I left. In just under three hours, I counted 14 pints.

After my sister and I had finished our meals and had a little catch up with each other, we decided it was time to leave the pub. He was with two friends and he noticed me getting up to leave and he came up to me and asked me if he could have a word with me, I agreed and told my sister to go to the car and wait for me. He looked me in the eyes and told me that he misses me and that wants to take me out for a meal and be totally honest about everything. I said "yes" and told him to text me what day, where and what time. He kissed me on the cheek and told me to enjoy the evening and that he will be in touch. I left the pub, went to the car and told my sister what happened.

She told me that he might have realised that in order for his life to turn around he had to meet a decent woman. But, she did tell me that she wouldn't like it if her husband were to drink as much as he did in such a short time and she thinks that without any doubt he is an alcoholic and that I should proceed carefully if I want a relationship with him.

He has sent me two fairly long messages, he has promised that if I want him to go to rehab then he will and that he wants to settle down with me and doesn't want the drink to come between us.

I showed my sister (she is currently at mine now) and she said that he seems genuine and just see what the future holds for us.

What do you think?

July 9, 2019

I think if his recovery is riding on you then it's never going to work. Yes, he may be genuine in his desire, but he has to want to change for himself.

It's your choice whether to proceed, but he is drinking such massive quantities of alcohol on a regular basis that he's in physical danger if he goes turkey or even cuts back a lot without medical supervision. (For what it's worth, he sounds like the ideal candidate for naloxone, if that is available where you live.) He will go through a severe withdrawal that will mean dramatic changes in mood, appetite, and behavior, for months at a time. He is essentially going to become a different person---a better one, probably, if he makes it through, but a very different one. Be wary.

And nothing about alcoholism means your life is out of control. I know a couple that is very popular, successful, and happy; they have a lot of money and do very well for themselves, and they genuinely love each other. But he drinks at least two whiskeys a day and she drinks a bottle of wine a day. It doesn't matter that their functioning seems unimpaired, because they're literally dependent on alcohol to live.

July 9, 2019

He's not going to admit to being an alcoholic. Even raging alcoholics who drink alone every night generally won't label themselves that way. He's more likely to say he likes to relax with a couple of bevvies. This is a decision you need to make on your own without his input.

And yes, in our British/Aussie culture, going to pubs with friends on a weekly basis is normal. Getting smashed on a Saturday night at the pub with mates is normal if there's nobody waiting at home for you.

I don't know about that. I know a lot of heavy drinkers that will flat out admit they have a problem. I drink 2 pints of beer almost every night, and I have no doubts as to if I'm an alcoholic from a medical standpoint. I'm by no means a drunk, but my I'm sure my drinking effects my health to some degree despite the fact that I rarely get drunk.

July 10, 2019

Well, I never thought any of it would happen. I bumped into him earlier when I went to a pub with my sister for a meal after work. Things couldn't have been anymore awkward and one could have easily cut the tension with a knife - that is, until he spoke to me just before I left.

Unlike last time when he never looked at me, I saw him looking at me several times. I know it has nothing to do with me and perhaps I was being a little bit too intrusive, but I was counting how many pints he had before I left. In just under three hours, I counted 14 pints.

After my sister and I had finished our meals and had a little catch up with each other, we decided it was time to leave the pub. He was with two friends and he noticed me getting up to leave and he came up to me and asked me if he could have a word with me, I agreed and told my sister to go to the car and wait for me. He looked me in the eyes and told me that he misses me and that wants to take me out for a meal and be totally honest about everything. I said "yes" and told him to text me what day, where and what time. He kissed me on the cheek and told me to enjoy the evening and that he will be in touch. I left the pub, went to the car and told my sister what happened.

She told me that he might have realised that in order for his life to turn around he had to meet a decent woman. But, she did tell me that she wouldn't like it if her husband were to drink as much as he did in such a short time and she thinks that without any doubt he is an alcoholic and that I should proceed carefully if I want a relationship with him.

He has sent me two fairly long messages, he has promised that if I want him to go to rehab then he will and that he wants to settle down with me and doesn't want the drink to come between us.

I showed my sister (she is currently at mine now) and she said that he seems genuine and just see what the future holds for us.

What do you think?

Then tell him once he's out of rehab and hasn't had a drink in a year to call you. Girl, he is telling you everything you want to hear which is typical for an alcoholic to give you good lip service with zero actions to back them up so at that dinner, tell him (and you will if you have any love of yourself and are not a codependent enabler) that you really like him but you can't take a chance on words and once he's in rehab you would love for him to call you once he's out.

If he goes to rehab, they will get him into a 12 step program and they will tell him: DO NOT date until you are at least a year sober. He can't be working on himself and the issues that cause him to drink like that when he has to nurture a relationship with you.

Don't be foolish.

July 10, 2019

How long does it take a typical alcoholic to complete the rehab? How often do people relapse after getting sober? Why would you want to take on such a project?

July 10, 2019

What do you think?

I'm missing why being an Alcoholic isn't a deal breaker for you..

You sound like you are looking for a codependent relationship.. please don't become an enabler for this guy, it will tear you down and rob you of your inner peace and your identity...

I'm thinking this.... ^

You can't fix him and he won't get sober for you.

You need to break it off from him before you get sucked in to the point you can't get out.

July 10, 2019

He admitted he has a problem, that's a big step. He has expressed that he cares about you and your relationship by saying he will go to rehab in order to get the help he needs. The question is, do you care about him enough to stand by him and support him in this? People are quick to tell you to ditch him, but he actually sounds like a nice guy. What is your gut telling you OP?

July 10, 2019

For most people, will someone being an alcoholic be a deal-breaker?

I've told my best friend about the situation and she didn't tell me instantly to stop speaking to him. Instead, she advised me to get to know him better and see if he will cut down for me, etc.

Sweetie, you are woefully naive and uneducated about alcoholism/alcoholics. Alcoholics can be anyone - they can be doctors, lawyers, janitors, secretaries, moms, dads, aunts, uncles . . .

The bottom line with most alcoholics is that they are extremely selfish and have difficulty really loving someone in a satisfying way because alcohol is their first love, their priority as a rule. There are functioning alcoholics who seem to do everything right, but behind the scenes there are problems that one sees, at least for a while.

How long it takes to affect his life in a significant way, if it hasn't already, is a question. Do you know if he's had any dui's, lost any jobs, etc. because of drinking - yet?

The other thing that happens that affects the partner of an alcoholic is the worrying about what could/would happen. He's out with his buddies . . . is he driving home? Do I have to get dressed after relaxing in the evening to run out and pick him up somewhere or at the police station? Do you want to be getting into a car when he's been drinking and then driving? Do you want to be the one who always drives because he wants to drink when you're out?

Find out about his other relationships - friends and family. That will be a heads up too.

Your friend is not a wise woman. Even if he's just a functioning alcoholic, it's very unlikely that your relationship with him would be a good one for very long. If he gets drunk often at parties and in public, you will find yourself being embarrassed by him which will cause resentment. It's not really fun to deal with someone who is drunk or even "just buzzed" on a regular basis.

July 10, 2019

He admitted he has a problem, that's a big step. He has expressed that he cares about you and your relationship by saying he will go to rehab in order to get the help he needs. The question is, do you care about him enough to stand by him and support him in this? People are quick to tell you to ditch him, but he actually sounds like a nice guy. What is your gut telling you OP?

I thought the best way to support an alcoholic is not be his enabler, no?

July 10, 2019

He admitted he has a problem, that's a big step. He has expressed that he cares about you and your relationship by saying he will go to rehab in order to get the help he needs. The question is, do you care about him enough to stand by him and support him in this? People are quick to tell you to ditch him, but he actually sounds like a nice guy. What is your gut telling you OP?

Alcoholics can be nice people. They just make very poor partners. Alcoholics will say anything to keep a partner around usually. They will make all kinds of promises but never follow through and a very large percentage of the alcoholics who go to rehab, will relapse many times before it actually takes hold, if it takes hold. That is a fact. Whether this guy would be the exception is not a risk I would take. Not only that, most of the time, when an alcoholic comes out of rehab, they are not the same person they were when they went in. They are different people when they've been drinking and so you don't see the real them. Often times when they come out of rehab, you don't like them so much anymore . . .

It's one thing to stand by an alcoholic if you're married, it's another thing to be dating them and evaluating for a relationship/marriage.

This guy drinks and drinks often. If she continues a relationship with him and something happens, that's on her shoulders as well because she's enabling him by showing him she's OK with his drinking in order to have a relationship with him. This guy needs strong women to turn away from him because of his drinking. He needs some tough love which in turn may help him see the path he's on is not a good one.

She isn't going to be the "one" he changes for. HE needs to be the "one" he changes for.

July 10, 2019

I thought the best way to support an alcoholic is not be his enabler, no?

You can support and alcoholic and not be their enabler.

July 10, 2019

And, the ones who boldly admit to being alcoholics are the worst cases. They are just giving lip service to the person they are admitting it to but it's really just gaslighting in a simpler form.

Most of the time, a person who truly embraces the fact that they are an alcoholic will admit it and be contrite and broken down while doing it. Most of the time they have reached the bottom and are truly reaching out for help. Not giving casual lip service to someone over drinks and lunch. Even then, getting help doesn't always work.

July 10, 2019

I know it has nothing to do with me and perhaps I was being a little bit too intrusive, but I was counting how many pints he had before I left. In just under three hours, I counted 14 pints.

14 pints equals just over 32 units of alcohol. The latest guidelines recommend an intake of alcohol of no more than 14 units per week.

Your guy is putting away twice that and then some in a 3 hour session on a random weeknight in the pub. On top of that, he drinks spirits at home.

I left the pub, went to the car and told my sister what happened.

She told me that he might have realised that in order for his life to turn around he had to meet a decent woman.

Girl, you two are being beyond naive here.

The 'love of a good woman' is not going to make this man stop drinking. The love of a good woman cannot cure alcoholism.

Sure, it may give him an initial incentive to cut down, stop the weeknights in the pub or even try a spell in rehab.

But make no mistake, he'll pick up that bottle again.

When work has been tough. When you've had an argument. When his football team lost. When his football team won.

It's just a matter of time.

But, she did tell me that she wouldn't like it if her husband were to drink as much as he did in such a short time and she thinks that without any doubt he is an alcoholic and that I should proceed carefully if I want a relationship with him.

I'm sure she means well, but your sister is only marginally less naive than you.

He has sent me two fairly long messages, he has promised that if I want him to go to rehab then he will....

He has to want to do it for himself.

No offense, I'm sure you are a really nice lady but if he does it because you want him to, you'll both be sorely disappointed.

You two barely know each other.

....and that he wants to settle down with me and doesn't want the drink to come between us.

Ah those famous last words.

Probably spoken by every alcoholic at some point in their lives to their friends, family and other loved ones.

Unfortunately sooner or later it will become clear that you are the one who's coming in between the drink and him. And he won't thank you for it.

...... and just see what the future holds.

Your future will hold many broken promises, because he forgot he made them or he forgot to honor them. Because he was drunk.

A diminished sex life because he's so sozzled most of the time he can't get it up.

Trips to A&E because he fell over drunk and hurt himself.

Cancelled morning appointments and engagements because he's too hung-over to get out of bed.

Episodes when his drunken behaviour is so utterly embarrassing you wish the ground would swallow you whole.

Countless times where you will end up apologising for his conduct, his absence, his demeanor.

Your future will have conflict, disappointment, resentment, despair and a lot of loneliness in store for you.

If you think you're okay with that, by all means enter a relationship with this bloke.

You'd be smarter to give this one a very, very wide berth.

Edited July 10, 2019 by SoulCat

July 10, 2019

He admitted he has a problem, that's a big step. He has expressed that he cares about you and your relationship by saying he will go to rehab in order to get the help he needs. The question is, do you care about him enough to stand by him and support him in this? People are quick to tell you to ditch him, but he actually sounds like a nice guy. What is your gut telling you OP?

He did no such thing, he said he would quit for her.

Taking the first step is hard to do but he didn't take it.

I went to AA meetings for a year drunk before I finally took Step One and admitted that I was powerless over Alcohol.

She is looking for a codependant relationship where she feels she can fix him and that is what he is offering, she will lose all sense of her identity and he will crush her self esteem.

She should ditch him, IMO.. then figure out why she is attracted to that.

July 10, 2019

If he is going to seek out AA meetings, they are going to tell him to put dating anyone on hold so they can focus on their recovery. A relationship is bad idea, because when things go sideways, they will be right back pounding those beers. He had to quit for himself not you or anyone else...He is blowing smoke up yer butt IMO.

July 10, 2019

It’s bad when someone with an addiction uses you as a reason to change. That’s way too much responsibility to place on a person.

July 10, 2019

You can support and alcoholic and not be their enabler.

How do you do that?

July 10, 2019

She is looking for a codependant relationship where she feels she can fix him and that is what he is offering, she will lose all sense of her identity and he will crush her self esteem.

Her self esteem is already pretty low, if she seriously considers getting into a relationship with this guy.

July 10, 2019

He did no such thing, he said he would quit for her.

Taking the first step is hard to do but he didn't take it.

I went to AA meetings for a year drunk before I finally took Step One and admitted that I was powerless over Alcohol.

She is looking for a codependant relationship where she feels she can fix him and that is what he is offering, she will lose all sense of her identity and he will crush her self esteem.

She should ditch him, IMO.. then figure out why she is attracted to that.

I suppose I don't really know much about it. Hope you're doing OK now Art_Critic

July 10, 2019

I suppose I don't really know much about it.

Maddie,

There are ways to find out about it without having to put yourself through the personal experience . . .

July 12, 2019

A little update. Over the last couple of days he has sent me a few text messages and sent me a message earlier this morning telling me to meet him later in evening in the city and we'll go to the cinema and then to a few pubs and then clubs. He finished the last text message with, "I promise I'm going to treat you properly. X"

I'll see how tonight goes, maybe I'll see a different side to him because hopefully he'll be sober when I first see him.

July 12, 2019

A little update. Over the last couple of days he has sent me a few text messages and sent me a message earlier this morning telling me to meet him later in evening in the city and we'll go to the cinema and then to a few pubs and then clubs. He finished the last text message with, "I promise I'm going to treat you properly. X"

I'll see how tonight goes, maybe I'll see a different side to him because hopefully he'll be sober when I first see him.

At the very least, avoid the pub or anything which involves lots of drinking.

July 12, 2019

I like drinking a lot, and I'm here to tell you that 14 pints in three hours is absolutely insane. That's not a casual, social drinker out with his buddies. He's putting back 4-5 pints an hour.

I think it is also telling that you raised this issue with him, and yet he still invited you out to go to a few pubs with him. He has no intention of cutting back on this. I would run away as fast as possible. Or try this -- suggest going to the cinema and then going to get a cup of coffee or dessert -- somewhere where he can't get any alcohol. Watch his reaction because I think he will fight that every step of the way.

And from another perspective, think about how much money he's throwing away every night on alcohol. Ugh. Why would you even want to get involved in this mess?

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