LeeWilson85 Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 Hello all. I met a guy through a friend and he's a really nice person and we have a lot in common. We have been speaking for about two months and have had a few dates together. We have been to quite a few pubs and I noticed quite quickly that he was drinking a lot and quite quickly. I'm not sure how many pints altogether, but certainly more than most people. In fact, at one point, he had two pints on the table! Last Friday was the first time I went to his house (he had to check something and I went with him) and I noticed quite a few empty bottles of whiskey, brandy and rum. I never said anything because I was worried he might have got embarrassed or defensive. I'm not sure how to mention the subject of drinking without him possibly being offended. My friend's husband drinks with him at a local club regularly. Do most guys go to a club or pub regularly every week? Am I overthinking and worrying over nothing? Does he sound like an alcoholic? How should I mention the subject without upsetting him? I lost a good friend about two years because she was an alcoholic so I know what drink can do to someone, I can't even begin to imagine having a relationship with someone who drinks every day. Any help would be appreciated.
amaysngrace Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 He probably has a problem if he’s blowing through every bottle in the house like that.
Author LeeWilson85 Posted July 1, 2019 Author Posted July 1, 2019 He probably has a problem if he’s blowing through every bottle in the house like that. That is what has made me question him. I have a feeling that he's drinking in clubs and pubs with his friends and at his house which to me is not good and makes me ask the question to myself, "Is he an alcoholic?" How can I mention the subject and find out if he will admit to being an alcoholic?
schlumpy Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 He very well could be an alcoholic. You don't have to get stone drunk to be one. One my best friends was a functioning alcoholic. Every night he went through a 12 pack of beer but wouldn't touch it during the day or work hours. He quit ever so often but went back to it. No AA for him. AA was for the weak minded. We are both retired so I only see him now and then but I assume he is still going at it. I don't know if you can influence your love interest. They are just like drug addicts. Something significant has to happen to them before they make a decision to quit. He may quit if likes you and you give an ultimatum but he most likely will cheat so you might want to pass this one by. I know the path that alcoholism leads you down and you don't want to go there. There are no positives in that direction. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful Best Wishes
basil67 Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 He's not going to admit to being an alcoholic. Even raging alcoholics who drink alone every night generally won't label themselves that way. He's more likely to say he likes to relax with a couple of bevvies. This is a decision you need to make on your own without his input. And yes, in our British/Aussie culture, going to pubs with friends on a weekly basis is normal. Getting smashed on a Saturday night at the pub with mates is normal if there's nobody waiting at home for you.
The Outlaw Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 He doesn't sound like one, he IS one. You can express your concern for his well being, just don't push it too much. Most alcoholics have to realize that they have a problem before they're willing to do anything about it. 1
amaysngrace Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 How can I mention the subject and find out if he will admit to being an alcoholic? Personally I wouldn’t even bother trying to have him admit anything. He’s most likely only going to say what he thinks you want to hear with very little truth to it. 1
alphamale Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 he's an alcoholic, next time you two go to the pub ask him to order a Coke and see how he reacts 1
Ruby Slippers Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 Sounds like it. The liver damage can sneak up on an alcoholic and be fatal. It's a big problem.
Art_Critic Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 He is not yours to fix.... Don't speak with him, try to sober him up... stop dating him and don't get sucked in and if you do look into what makes you codependent... This guy is going to make a mess of your life if you give him an inch...empty bottles of liquor is the eye opener to who is and what he is dealing with... Sorry
Lotsgoingon Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 Does he sound like an alcoholic? How should I mention the subject without upsetting him? I lost a good friend about two years because she was an alcoholic so I know what drink can do to someone, I can't even begin to imagine having a relationship with someone who drinks every day. Any help would be appreciated. You're posing the question as if you're a therapist trying to make some kind of clinical diagnosis. You're not. Instead, you are someone interested in a guy ... and dating is about holding very high standards ... and gradually moving forward based on us evaluating the person. Doesn't matter if he's alcoholic. By the time you can conclusively figure that out, you could have wasted years with this guy--ignoring your instincts and intuition all along. What matters is that his drinking struck you and grabbed your attention. Please cease this mission to analyze your reaction. Surely you've been around people drinking, and you know when someone is drinking a lot. That you are posting about this, to me, indicates his drinking did bother you. Trust your intuition here. That's a red flag. Behavior that's odd ... that triggers an alarm. Heed that alarm. Tip: it's not your job to confront him or talk to him about his drinking. Stay out of "fix-him" mode. Danger. Danger. Down that path lies disaster. Avoid "fix it" mode when dating. You want to stay in evaluation mode, is-he-right-for me mode! And if the answer is not overwhelming yes, then the answer is no. We might want to talk to long-time friends about drinking or other issues we might see. With dates, we simply want to stay away from folks who have issues that come screaming at us early on. Your intuition is screaming--that's not over-analyzing. Pay attention. 1
Author LeeWilson85 Posted July 3, 2019 Author Posted July 3, 2019 he's an alcoholic, next time you two go to the pub ask him to order a Coke and see how he reacts I decided to do what you advised me to do. We went to a pub for a meal and he gave me money and told me to get the drinks and pay for the food. I bought two cokes and I could tell from the moment he spotted the glass of the coke that he must have thought I was taking the mickey out of him. He never said anything, but he hardly touched the coke. However, I went to the toilet and when I came back I saw that he had bought a pint. I tried to joke on a little bit and said something like, "Do you like to have a drink with your meal?" To my surprise he got quite defensive but actually admitted to being an alcoholic and that he "likes a good drink". After he admitted that, I never bothered asking him things like, "how long have you been one?" "How often do you drink?" Etc. Instead, I changed the subject and we enjoyed the night. I think he bought about ten pints in two hours. Is that amount bad or normal for men? I'm not against someone having a drink, but I'm just worried that his addiction to alcohol could lead to problems in the future if we were to become official. I do enjoy a few glasses of wine on a Friday night and to go out every now and then on a Saturday with a few of my friends. But, I never drink in the house. I haven't known him personally for too long, but everyone who knows him has told me that he's a great guy and that I should give him a chance. Do you think those people know about his alcohol addiction? I've never been in a relationship with someone who is addicted to alcohol. Can anyone give me an insight as to what it is like please? I've always thought of an alcoholic as someone who spends all of their money on drink, does not work, drinks as soon as he or she wakes up, etc. The guy in question does not look like a stereotypical alcoholic, he looks like a businessman! I'm not trying to diagnose with him anything and I've not bothered asking him why he drinks because it's not my business to ask such personal questions. But, is it inevitable that dating an alcoholic will lead to problems in the future? How long does it normally take for alcohol to take its toll on someone? Will he still be able to have a family? I'm asking myself all sorts of questions about him. For most people, will someone being an alcoholic be a deal-breaker? I've told my best friend about the situation and she didn't tell me instantly to stop speaking to him. Instead, she advised me to get to know him better and see if he will cut down for me, etc.
schlumpy Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 I've never been in a relationship with someone who is addicted to alcohol. Can anyone give me an insight as to what it is like please? I've always thought of an alcoholic as someone who spends all of their money on drink, does not work, drinks as soon as he or she wakes up, etc. The guy in question does not look like a stereotypical alcoholic, he looks like a businessman! But, is it inevitable that dating an alcoholic will lead to problems in the future? How long does it normally take for alcohol to take its toll on someone? Will he still be able to have a family? For most people, will someone being an alcoholic be a deal-breaker? I've told my best friend about the situation and she didn't tell me instantly to stop speaking to him. Instead, she advised me to get to know him better and see if he will cut down for me, etc. LeeWilson: Please reread my first post. Your friend is a functioning alcoholic. I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic. My mother was an alcoholic. She and my father had unending fights over her drinking and she brought a lot pain, suffering, and misery to the family. Her lowest act was to steal the money I saved from my paper route to fuel her addiction. She was in detox three times. At around 38 she almost destroyed her liver and died. She made it to 56 when cancer took her but it took a toll on her ability to think. She was my mother and I loved her but I wasn't blind to the irreversible psychological marks she was leaving on myself and my four siblings. So, yes, your love interest can have a family but he may not give you the family that you want. He's just like a drug addict. He has to decide he wants to quit and it has to be total because he will always be an alcoholic. I am really sorry to tell you this and I know my bias probably makes me an unreliable witness. After all, I survived didn't I? Is it enough just to survive? Best Wishes to your healthy love life 1
Arieswoman Posted July 4, 2019 Posted July 4, 2019 Lee, I agree with SB2 - that's a lot of ale in 2 hours. The guy has a challenging relationship with alcohol, to say the least. If you keep seeing him you will find that his relationship with alcohol will take priority over his relationship with you. My advice is to get out now before you become too heavily invested. Sorry x 1
preraph Posted July 4, 2019 Posted July 4, 2019 You can't fix an addict or alcoholic. No one can. Is drinking certainly sounds regular and excessive. When I was young I was a mostly champagne lush, but I didn't drink every day and I would sometimes quit for months at a time in order to go on a certain diet. I never liked anything having power over me, and I was mainly a social drinker, but anyway I have pretty much completely quit as I got older and wasn't out social all the time and was working too hard to have time for drinking and recovering. there are people who are addicts and will become addicted to something and if it isn't one thing it will be the next. even if there weren't substances they would be a chronic shopper or a chronic Gambler or something. Then there are some people like me who really are not an addict and can do a lot of things and then get bored and stop. If I were you I wouldn't get hooked up with someone who you already know has a enormous problem. The alcoholics and addicts that I've known once they know you disapprove, I just conceal it from you and if they know you will confront them about it they just avoid you. Get out while you're not invested. 1
Art_Critic Posted July 4, 2019 Posted July 4, 2019 I'm missing why being an Alcoholic isn't a deal breaker for you.. You sound like you are looking for a codependent relationship.. please don't become an enabler for this guy, it will tear you down and rob you of your inner peace and your identity... 3
KimmyO Posted July 5, 2019 Posted July 5, 2019 It will probably not help to bring it up, but you are seeing warning signs why you should not continue this relationship, it will only hurt you, seriously. Trust your warning and wisdom in this, you have seen it before and are seeing it again. You can't save him, if you try, it will break you. it is hard now but it will be harder later. So sorry, wish I had better news but... Addicts choose the addiction over love usually. However, if you decide it is worth trying, use tough love with sure consequences and no wishy washy about it. It can happen but will take endurance from you and sure lines that he can't cross over if he wants to be with you. Prayers for you in this! <3
Author LeeWilson85 Posted July 7, 2019 Author Posted July 7, 2019 I decided to take the advice from the various people who have posted on this thread. I told him last night something along the lines of that I think he's a lovely guy and we do get on really well, but I don't want to come second best to alcohol. I did tell him in probably the worst possible place - a pub (we were supposed to be going for a meal together and then watch a film at the cinema). After I told him, he didn't get angry but instead made a point and ordered three pints, drank them one after another and then told me to "take care" and went to play pool with one of his mates at the other end of the pub. I never saw him looking at me in the two hours we were both in the same pub. One of my friends was in the pub so after the conversation ended, I sat next to her and told her what had just happened. Although it's done and dusted, I can't stop asking myself, "Why did he have to order three pints and drink them in front of me in such a manner as to say f##k off to me?" Should I speak to him if I see him in the street? I feel like I've messed everything up and perhaps should have given him a chance and tried to help him get off the drink. I fear now that I have made him depressed and that he's going to drink even more. I have asked my friend to let me know that he's okay. May I ask, how many pints does a man normally drink in a night? 5? 10? 15? 20? 25? My ex-boyfriend rarely ever drank so I don't have a clue what is the average. Can most men drink 25 pints or is that amount limited to alcoholics only? What is the difference between someone who can drink a lot and an alcoholic?
Noproblem Posted July 7, 2019 Posted July 7, 2019 (edited) If you are asking, then yes. He is an alcoholic, avoid at all cost! You can't even fix him because he either fixes himself or he does not. So, yeah sail in a different direction and don't feel guilty about it. Edited July 7, 2019 by Noproblem
basil67 Posted July 7, 2019 Posted July 7, 2019 He drank those pints in front of you to arrogantly show you that alcohol does indeed come before you. He pretty much underscored your point. Don't waste your time wondering if you could have helped him get off the drink. Besides the fact that you don't have the expertise of a drug and alcohol counsellor, it's clear that he doesn't want to stop and didn't want your help. As far as how many a guy should drink, start by educating yourself on safe alcohol consumption. And research alcoholism. It's all there at the tip of your fingers. 1
Calmandfocused Posted July 7, 2019 Posted July 7, 2019 (edited) I agree with Basil. I don’t think the 3 pints was a “F**k you”. I think it was him seeking comfort from his favourite friend (the alcohol) to deal with the blow of your rejection. Alcoholics use alcohol to cope with any issue, even when the alcohol created the issue. Don’t preoccupy yourself with how many pints is normal. It’s not about the quantity of alcohol. Its about the dependency, and the effect on a persons functioning. It affects his relationships and is his first priority. He is dependant on alcohol therefore he is an alcoholic, that’s all you need to know. And the other posters are correct. Until an alcoholic wants to stop drinking for himself / herself there is nothing you can do (or anyone). By which time you will have moved on and quite rightly. I’m interested was he grossly overweight and did he have sexual performance problems? Quite common issues that drinkers experience. Edited July 7, 2019 by Calmandfocused
schlumpy Posted July 7, 2019 Posted July 7, 2019 It's not your failure Lee, it's his failure. He just ran a few more feet towards the wall he will eventually hit. Please protect yourself emotionally. Grieve if you must but rely on your friends to help you stand fast in decision because it was the right one. You gave him a choice - you or drinking. For the moment he chose drinking but consider that depending on his feelings for you this may be a spur for him to get himself under control. I'm sure AA exists where you are. Sometime in the future if it's not too late he may chose you over those three pints. BTW, I drink no pints at night. Best Wishes
JuneL Posted July 7, 2019 Posted July 7, 2019 First, this guy is an alcoholic for sure, and bravo for not getting deeper with him. That said, you guys had been on a few dates only, so it’s a little presumptuous to bring up his alcohol problems. I would just say we’re incompatible.
smackie9 Posted July 7, 2019 Posted July 7, 2019 The definition of alcoholism is when they no longer have control, and that it starts to affect their life like: losing their job, the inability to keep a job, drinking at work, drinking from the time they get up till they pass out, relationships are ruined, they no longer can function as a normal person, become physically ill if they are without alcohol, drink till they blackout or no longer function, become absolutely obliterated, disgruntle, violent, etc. Sounds to me he's just a heavy drinker, that indeed will affect his health down the road, but it doesn't make him an "alcoholic". The reason why I say this is because my family are a bunch of alcoholics, and what this guy is doing isn't anywhere near what my family members were like. Not even close. Alcohol, like smoking pot, is a lifestyle choice. If you find it that he drinks too much for your liking, then you can say this is a compatibility issue. That's why we start out with going out on dates...to see what they are like, if they have issues, are compatible, can fulfill your expectations, and you theirs, have the same goals, any bad habits, deal breakers, etc. Obviously you discovered he is a heavy drinker, and has a social circle of friends that are the same. This should be a deal breaker, and you simply don't continue dating him. It's a no brainer.
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