ljn1650 Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 Met a lovely man 16 years older than me (I am 30) at work who I immediately fell for and we have a great deal in common. We have been on 3/4 dates so I need to make a decision. He has many issues. He has a lot of self-loathing, still not over the fallout from an relationship from 7 years ago (the mother of his child - a child he hasn't seen for years because of the situation) and i am the first woman he's wanted to date since. He has been very open and honest about his situation, and has asked me to bear with him as he is trying and is very aware of his shortcomings. He is attentive, sweet, kind to me and adores me - I just want to protect myself from getting hurt and having his problems blow up in my face somewhere down the road. Am i heading for a mess if I give him a chance? He knows my reluctance and has said he understands and will go as slow as I want, but i fear I am selling myself short for entering the relationship.
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 Op can you describe or give examples of his “self loathing” and him not being over the fall out over his child’s mom? If I can better understand what he is saying to you concerning this I can give a more informed answer on whether you should give it a chance or let it go or not
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 Me personally, I couldn't be involved with a man who has abandoned his own child emotionally. Does he at least pay adequate, regular support for his child's physical needs? Has he tried to secure visitation through the courts? If he dropped the ball with his own flesh and blood, how might he behave in a relationship once the honeymoon stage wears off?
ExpatInItaly Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 He has many issues. He has a lot of self-loathing, still not over the fallout from an relationship from 7 years ago (the mother of his child - a child he hasn't seen for years because of the situation) What sort of issues does he have? Can you give some examples?
PRW Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 Met a lovely man 16 years older than me (I am 30) at work who I immediately fell for and we have a great deal in common.That is a pretty large gap in age, and "immediately falling for" could be showing some insecurity and a "wanting it too much" thing on your side of it. He has been very open and honest about his situationIt is much better for him to rise above his situation so he does have to talk about and burden you with his problems. If he talks about and keeps focusing on whatever the problems are, it tends to just keep the problems around and keeps them "alive". I just want to protect myself from getting hurt and having his problems blow up in my face somewhere down the road. Am i heading for a mess if I give him a chance?It probably won't blow up. What it is likely to do is just wear you out with the burden of it. It would become a point of frustration for you and you may find yourself losing respect for him over time. As you lose respect you may begin to treat him more harshly which in turn will fuel his "self loathing",...which makes the whole situation spiral deeper down. So if it all falls apart after a while what will the working environment be like? Relationships work much better when the two share their completeness rather than sharing their burdens. If there is a mismatch with that, then the one with the problems tend to drain energy from the one that doesn't have problems.
OatsAndHall Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 He was open and honest about his current state of mind so I s'pose I would suggest you him a chance as long as his past doesn't affect your relationship. You've said he's kind and attentive towards you so I'd just keep moving forward with your eyes open. As an aside for those who are operating under the assumption that he's a poor father; the guy is 46 and he divorced at 39. His child is probably a grown adult at this point; don't assume he "abandoned" anyone.
Calmandfocused Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 As an aside for those who are operating under the assumption that he's a poor father; the guy is 46 and he divorced at 39. His child is probably a grown adult at this point; don't assume he "abandoned" anyone. But isn’t that another assumption? On the other hand the child could be 7 years old. My ex husband had a 1 year old and another on the way at age 46. Late for some but it happens. Op how old is the child? Op, be careful of falling into a rescuing role with this guy. Sounds like he needs a lot of support to get his act together. Despite the age difference you may find yourself more in a mothering/ therapist role. Not very sexy IMO. If you want to “look after” him great. But I wouldn’t expect much in return. 1
I'veseenbetterlol Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 I agree with posters about his kid. On top of that he is setting up a bail out for the relationship. In my experience whenever a guy brought up how he was suffering the damage from the relationship, he ended up being emotionally unavailable. You need a guy who is completely over his relationships no matter what the woman did to him. One day he will hurt you and make the situation all about his suffering.
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