SmartDude Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 I met some one recently who works in retail. This person was easy to access because I was a customer at this store. I thought I noticed a good feeling between us and so I chatted her up a little bit and she gave me her number. I noticed also that she was perhaps looking into my eyes a little deeper than someone normally would in that situation. Less restraint is the best way I can describe it? So sure enough I text her asking when she is available so we can go out. The activity I suggested was a daytime event, one that I knew she liked based on our conversation. I did not try to get a drink with her when she got off work. I got no response to the text. A bit puzzled, I went in there a week later. She is smiling big time and happy to see me. She initiates and responds to conversation, and again very flirty with her gaze. I could not read her. It was so frustrating. So we ended up talking about places were we go out and it leads me to asking if she got my texts. She says she did but has been really busy. I shrug it off and it's no big deal and I am happy and just chatting her up anyways. As I am leaving she says she will call or text me. I did not bring it up but gave her an encouraging smile lol? So then I leave and I'm like walking back to my car thinking ??? She didn't contact me again, but I did try her and got no response again. Went into the store one more time after that. Kind of the same thing. When I am leaving, I don't even mention getting together. She has this look on her face like "nooooo don't leave me". But I don't want to get her at trouble at work and I so I manage to walk out normally but confused. Was I just too old fashioned in trying to set up a date? She is younger than me by at least a decade. If she just wants to have some fun with a hot older guy after work to relax I am all for it. I just wish I knew what she wanted, if anything. She is actually kind of shy and socially awkward. Definitely the type I am attracted too, but very difficult to read her intentions. I am probably missing something very obvious, its just that I have not done anything like this in awhile. Is there any thing left I can try here?
alphamale Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 I am probably missing something very obvious, yes SD you're missing the fact that she wants nothing to do with you 7
Author SmartDude Posted July 1, 2019 Author Posted July 1, 2019 yes SD you're missing the fact that she wants nothing to do with you You could be right. But then why doesn't she just do the normal woman thing and show disinterest? That would be a clear signal that is easy to understand. It is not like I said anything about us getting together the second time I was at the store.
Inspire Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 You could be right. But then why doesn't she just do the normal woman thing and show disinterest? She is showing disinterest. She never responded to your initial text or bothered to follow through when she said she'd text or call you. That IMO is more telling then any of the conversations you've had while at the store. There could be any number of reasons why she didn't respond (has a bf, didn't know how to say no when you asked for the number, etc.), but the fact remains that she didn't so the why isn't really important. It is what it is. 2
Author SmartDude Posted July 1, 2019 Author Posted July 1, 2019 She is showing disinterest. She never responded to your initial text or bothered to follow through when she said she'd text or call you. That IMO is more telling then any of the conversations you've had while at the store. There could be any number of reasons why she didn't respond (has a bf, didn't know how to say no when you asked for the number, etc.), but the fact remains that she didn't so the why isn't really important. It is what it is. Yea, actions do speak louder than words. Either she won't or she can't. Or she wants me to do something but I don't understand her subtle hints, she won't use words..End of story.
Sunlight72 Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 (edited) I think you've used up your graceful chances on this already, but for reference in the future ... you should have asked her out to something casual when you were talking to her in person. Keep it simple. And not, "would you like to get coffee sometime" That's not asking for a meetup/date, that is just making conversation. Rather, "Hey, I'm just in the neighborhood running errands this afternoon, what time do you get off work? I'll come by and take you to coffee if you like." Or, "Can I take you for drinks tomorrow night at 7? I know this nice place on Wilshire & 23rd." What, when, where. Just my 2 cents. Edited July 1, 2019 by Sunlight72 1
Sunlight72 Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 Oh man - I just noticed the thread title is "does she just want sex?". No. Or, not with you. I have no idea where you got that idea. From what you wrote, there is no way for me to guess anything about her 'ultimate intentions' with you. I think you're jumping waaay ahead, or projecting something from your fantasy onto her. First things first, determine if she is interested enough in you to meet and flirt outside of her work by asking her out and hearing a) yes or b) no And from what you wrote, the answer is no. But as I mentioned, I think you blew your chance by texting instead of asking in person. OK, think of this - her interaction with you that seemed to have her warmly talking (flirting I hope) with you was a response to your voice, body language, face, charm, etc. Then when you send her a text, it's a different creature she is interacting with. She is seeing black and white characters in her phone. No voice. No cologne. No twinkling eye. Her phone is asking her out in a neutral, mechanical way. Not sexy, not charming. Who wants to go on a date with written characters on their phone? Texting is a completely different dynamic than talking in person. You don't even know how your texts make her feel, but due to your texting style they could likely feel flat or negative to her. It's fine, you feel she likes you in person, you should have just gone with that instead in my opinion. 3
Author SmartDude Posted July 1, 2019 Author Posted July 1, 2019 (edited) I think you've used up your graceful chances on this already, but for reference in the future ... you should have asked her out to something casual when you were talking to her in person. Keep it simple. Yes I agree. I should have said something there instead of getting her number. It is sad how a small error in what amounts to be nothing..a social convention, prevents two people from meeting sometimes. Edited July 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited
basil67 Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 A small error won't prevent two people getting together if they are both keen on each other. 2
Inspire Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 (edited) Exactly. At this point it's easy to second guess yourself, but I don't think that would have changed anything. Younger people today are more apt to making plans by text and the poster above is spot on. If she was really keen on you as you seem to suggest she is, a small error wouldn't prevent two people from getting together. Plain and simple. I don't think there is any subtle hints you're missing. She "seems" to enjoys your conversation while at work. Pretty reasonable assumption to make based on the facts. Does she want sex? That does not seem reasonable to assume based on the facts we know. Edited July 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed 2
Author SmartDude Posted July 1, 2019 Author Posted July 1, 2019 I am always second guessing myself, but it is almost out of necessity. I am a high functioning Autistic. For me social cues, context, body language, hints.. can get lost at times. I need to pay attention more than most people would need to just to make sense of what is happening. It was a busy store. lot's of people looking around, noise , commotion..all very distracting when I am attempting a social interaction with a stranger who is looking at me very sweetly. 1
beentheredonethat77 Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 Smartdude, i have been the girl in this situation. I am always friendly, polite and engaging to people (especially in a place of work) -- Ive also been told that i really 'look at people intensely' -- and i dont mean to, its just my eyes! -- If you are high-functioning ASD -- i think maybe dont rely on the non-verbal cues (like assuming she is saying 'dont leave me' with her facial expressions etc) -- those can be misconstrued by even highly intuitive people. Not responding to your texts said it all, especially admitting she saw them and was 'too busy' -- I think this one is definitely one where she wasn't feeling it. I dont think you should try again.. it might make her uncomfortable (even if you cant pick up on it). All the best though, you'll find someone right for you! 2
beentheredonethat77 Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 Also, if she wanted sex, she would have responded to your text.. Or suggested seeing a date the second time you came in. No, not after sex in this situation for sure. 2
littleblackheart Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 (edited) I am always second guessing myself, but it is almost out of necessity. I am a high functioning Autistic. For me social cues, context, body language, hints.. can get lost at times So am I and I gave up torturing myself trying to decypher social cues or reading between the lines type of situations. One thing I have trained myself to do is that I've shifted the burden of clarity onto the other person - when things are too confusing for me, it's because the other person hasn't made themselves clear enough! I've not been in the situation you describe but in my youth I put myself in unsafe / embarrassing situations by not understanding what being asked for coffee by single guys actually meant. I learned the hard way that what people want you to think of them and what they actually do or who they actually are don't always match. The sales assistant in your OP doesn't want sex, or any personal involvement with you, nor does she want to lose your custom. She shouldn't have given you her number - that part is on her, and it can easily be misinterpreted as giving you mixed signals. She was being avoidant and was hoping that you would understand her intentions when she didn't reply to your texts. You're best erasing her number from your phone - on the offchance she wants to contact you, she now has yours. Edited July 1, 2019 by littleblackheart 2
elaine567 Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 She works in retail, she is putting on an act for customers. She smiles sweetly so you will buy something you don't really want or need, she wants you to come back to the store to keep buying, it is her job. Service workers all do that, it is their job to make customers feel good and encourage them to spend their cash. She has made it plain, she is not interested in you for sex or anything else, she is only "interested" in you as a customer, not as a potential date. No replies and an excuse of busy = not interested. 3
Author SmartDude Posted July 1, 2019 Author Posted July 1, 2019 (edited) No. This woman has a hard time putting on an act at all. Like I said, she is socially awkward. Looks down at the ground, avoids eye contact from others. I suspect she may also be ASD because she has showed more than one sign. So it is a bit different of a situation.. I know what the customer service polite rejection feels like. Have had that a few times and so its usually pretty obvious. Fake smiles with wide eyes, implying to change the subject..etc., Normal things I encounter every day. My social blindness in not a constant. Edited July 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator fixed spacing
preraph Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 She's required to be polite and friendly at work, period. She isn't supposed to say or do anything to make a customer not come back. She isn't interested. Sorry.
preraph Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 She is not interested in you. She may be awkward or not, but she is not too awkward to be working in retail or some public place doing her job of being friendly. So I think she's perfectly capable of accepting a date if she wanted one and she doesn't want one. You are projecting your own problems onto her. 2
Author SmartDude Posted July 1, 2019 Author Posted July 1, 2019 I don't want to derail SD's thread too much but this is relevant to the thread since these kinds of patronising reactions are the reason people don't 'out' themselves as ASD (props to you for doing it on this thread, SD). The lack of understanding and the accepted, low-key prejudice is deep seeded and insidious, and there's barely anyone to speak up against it (not in real life, thankfully). There are plenty of ASD - NT couples, in the same way there are plenty of mixed - raced couples who are still having to deal with close mindedness and ignorance of this kind. You can choose to only date bipolar women, or only women from your ethnic background or religion or whatever for yourself; telling someone else they should be dating within their 'sub group' is exclusionary and prejudiced, though. This is very true, and there should be diversity. However there are studies now that are show autistic to autistic communication works very well and starts to not look like a disorder, but rather a different communication style entirely. I don't come out in public for lack of understanding in the general population. On this forum is fine though.
Inspire Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 As someone who's worked in retail for many years, I can tell you there are a lot of people I really enjoy interacting with while I am working but have little desire to do so outside of work. She has your number and she hasn't/didn't respond. That says more than anything else. I'd just move on and let her approach you, but even then just take it for what it is. 2
The Outlaw Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 Tread lightly. I was in the same situation you are now five years ago this month. It didn't end well. Just brush her off and move on. If she were serious, she'd call or text you. It's just an ego stroke for her.
elaine567 Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 (edited) . It's just an ego stroke for her. Or highly awkward. She is a sitting target, she has to be nice and pleasant to everyone who walks in the door, whether she wants to be or not. She never responded to his attempts to contact her, did she even give him her number or does she just throw out random numbers to every guy who asks, she can hardly say no and have him cause a scene at work... Edited July 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator fixed quote 2
preraph Posted July 1, 2019 Posted July 1, 2019 Let's not overlook the age difference. He said she's younger than him by at least a decade. If she doesn't contact you, she isn't interested. Text-fiends that young people are these days, I think she'd have texted by now if she wasn't just taking the path of least resistance in ducking going out with you. But if I'm wrong and she's interested, you'll be hearing from her soon. 2
beentheredonethat77 Posted July 2, 2019 Posted July 2, 2019 Forget subliminal or autistic-to-austic communication --- non-verbal cues.. etc etc -- Forget it all -- Why? Because you dont need to read into what is already abundantly clear. She received your message, saw it, ignored it and told you she was 'too busy' to reply. A text reply takes seconds to minutes --- NOBODY is too busy to reply to someone they want to reply to. I think you need to accept that you are looking for hints and cues where they do not exist. She ignored your text, thats all there is to it. 3
Recommended Posts