eden604 Posted September 25, 2005 Posted September 25, 2005 ok...im finally just posting my dilemma. This gets pretty personal, so I hope I don't offend anyone. my bf and i have lived together for over three years now, and have been together for a few months longer than that. In the beginning we had oral sex a few times a week but never intercourse. He asked to in the second week together, but I said I wanted to wait. (He lived in another city, and I didn't want to have intercourse untill I knew it would last after he went back to his city.) Once I felt it was an actual relationhip (about a month into it) I tried to initiate intercourse...but he felt it wasn't the right time then. We moved in together about a month after getting together. After about two months together all sex stopped. We've always had an argumentative relationship.... I spoke to a therapist about it and she felt that the fighting was definitely an outlet for bigger issues, such as sexual frustration because we fight about the stupidest sh*t. After about six months together we started fooling around one night, but I stopped it because it was just oral again, and i wanted more...it upset me because I felt he didn't want to have intercourse with me. In retrospect I shouldn't have stopped it, because it may have "re-broken" the ice. We've talked about this problem MANY times and he says he is really frustrated too. He was gone for eight months last year, and I have to admit I am terrified he cheated. He says he hasn't and that it would break his heart to do it, but I just don't see how he could not try harder for sex with me if he hadn't got some. I am 24 and he is 34, so there is quite an age gap. I don't think he has lost his sex drive ( He looks at porn 3-5 times a week, and he will grab/slap my butt, and similuate doing me from behind But his, as well as my "copping a feel" is masked by jokes) I don't know how to slove this problem...we're very open about all this with eachother...we just cant do it. I am 24 and have a good sex drive...but it is really starting to damage me. I am bulimic, and Ive been sexually abused, and this is crushing my already fragile self image. if anyone has any ideas or anything, I would really appreciate a dialogue about this. thanks. Meg
Copingsaw Posted September 25, 2005 Posted September 25, 2005 Wow, I'm not sure I'm qualified to give you any real advice here but I feel for you. Can you talk to a therapist about it? The issues you two are facing probably go much deeper than what can be conveyed in these forums. It sounds like your communication is good. It also sounds like this is not just you but he has issues also. A 34-year old guy who goes 3 years living with/dating a woman without sex either is doing it for religious reasons or has serious intimacy issues. Is he attracted to you? Are you affectionate in your relationship together (kissing, hugging, etc.)? Do you still do the oral sex thing? Does he masturbate? Gosh ... I really think professional help is your best bet here.
fusangite Posted September 25, 2005 Posted September 25, 2005 Just a shot in the dark but I think one possibility is that he may have suffered from psychologically-based impotence in a previous relationship and be afraid it will happen again.
Author eden604 Posted September 25, 2005 Author Posted September 25, 2005 no the oral has stopped...yes we are very affectionate with eachother. we hug, kiss, ect...he loves to bite me=) He protests that attraction isn't the issue. I think its just gone without so sex is akward.... He hasn't had this problem before, that I know of....we do fight alot...and he says this is a major factor in our inability to get comforatble enough to do the deed. However, i feel the sex thing is a major factor as to WHY we fight. so its developed into a viscious cycle. I dont know if he was ever impotent in his last relationship..i know they did have sex. She had done something in her past (a porn actually) which made it very difficult for him to be comfortably sexual with her. He does have one thing that is a possible psychological factor...he has never orgasmed from intercourse. He has from oral, he says only with three people..but he may have told me that to make me feel better, but never intercourse...and he did cum everytime from oral with me. He had slept with 25 or so women before me...and I dont know if that is alot for a thirty-one year old male...but it makes me feel so damn worthless...
Jadey Posted September 25, 2005 Posted September 25, 2005 This is really strange if hes slept with that many women before but he hasnt you.. Im gonna think this through..Ill post back later
Copingsaw Posted September 25, 2005 Posted September 25, 2005 She had done something in her past (a porn actually) which made it very difficult for him to be comfortably sexual with her. He does have one thing that is a possible psychological factor...he has never orgasmed from intercourse. OK ... both these are very weird. As a guy I can state with a fair amount of certainty that if you can't orgasm from intercourse, there is something going on that is out of the ordinary. And any guy who says his last girlfriend was a porn actress, well, thats just fishy. I'm not saying its not true, just that its fishy. Sleeping with 25 women at the age of 31 and not having an orgasm from intercourse also sounds fishy. Thats like two different women every year since he was 18. If he has this performance anxiety because he can't orgasm, why was he so sexually active previously? And the fact that you are intimate with each other but have no sexual activity after 3 years is also strange. I'm beginning to wonder if it isn't you but him. After three years I would be begging her to let me rip her clothes off ... or I wouldn't be in the relationship. If you live together, do you sleep together? Don't either of you ever wake up horny? Its just hard to imagine going three years without just having something happen. Maybe try setting a date where it is agreed between the two of you that you will have sex. Plan out a romantic evening and since you both expect to have sex at the end, it may help you get over that hump.
Author eden604 Posted September 27, 2005 Author Posted September 27, 2005 well just for clarification, she wasn't really a "porn actress"...what it was was that she did one of those girls gone wild type things...not like a jenna jameson.....and he hated it...he worked his ass of to give it the benifit of the doubt, and thinking he could get past the fact that she was capable of it..He couldn't and it ended.Also concerningg the orgasm thing being fishy, I can vouch atleast that it can take anywhere from 10-40 minutes for him to cum from oral. ... but we talked last night about it, and I asked him "honestly am I sexually attractive to you?" He said..."Yes! Im so attracted to you I get angry and think "why can't we f*ck, I just want to f*ck her right now so bad. And then I just get mad about it"...I also told him I wasn't going to keep going like this for much longer, and we deserve healthy sex lives with or without one another. He said"I hate hearing that, but I know" He also said, as he and I have many times, that it has become the norm to not be sexual (outside of affection and playing around) so initiating sex has become a frightening thing.
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