SophieG Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 Personally, I’d say that this episode of « jealousy » isn’t what I’d consider normal, but then again, I’m not a jealous person. I’ve been to a bunch of parties with my bf and usually, I talk with people and we’ll get separated. One evening, I think he was with a small group of friends and I was with another (all his friends) and we barely spoke to each other for 30 minutes. Pictures were taken, games were played where I wasn’t there because I was busy doing something else... never bothered me. I like to blend in so my bf doesn’t have to stay next to me all night long and entertain me. When we go out, I’m usually the one saying : « OMG Will you look at that woman. She is soooooo beautiful and attractive ». He’ll usually down play it and say she’s pretty... but I mean, I can easily acknowledge another woman being beautiful or hot or whatever... so it wouln’t bother me at all if he did the same thing. I’m not threaten by it, because I trust him. And my boyfriend also has a female bestfriend he’s known since his teenage years. I’ve met her, she’s really nice. They talk on the phone on occasions and will dine out once in a while. I don’t have any problem with that. He had a life before I came in his life. So to me, your behavior seems a little intense and shows your insecurities. You should maybe work on that since I’ve seen many of my friends relationships fail because of it.
Author frus69 Posted July 3, 2019 Author Posted July 3, 2019 [ what exactly is your relationship history like because I find it hard to believe that you would cleave to such negative advice only because of others and not what you go through personally? d All my relationships ended because one of us,or both of us, fell out of love. But ive never discovered any cheating or lying. I have had jealousy episodes with these exs too but never turned out to be true. Well not to my knowledge anyway.. But I tend to focus a lot on negative advices cuz I don't want to be " blindsided by love" I suppose.
d0nnivain Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 I will try to stay positive and believe not all guys are waiting to smash.. I worked my way through college & grad school as a bartender. Let's just say I saw a range of human interactions. In those jobs I met A LOT of men. I worked a lot of blue collar bars during the after work shift. I became friends with many of my male customers. I was well aware that if given the chance all of them would have had sex with me. Difference is, few of them tried. I was flirty to a point; if a guy crossed a line I didn't like I quickly put him in his place & most didn't cross me again. Flirty was OK; vulgar got you bounced. Decades later some of these same guys tell my husband stories about "back in the day". Almost all of them talk to my husband about how attractive I was (in male parlance: hot, smoking', I'd tap that etc. -- clearly phrases not meant for my ears) but they all follow those assessments with some version of everybody knew D0nni was hands off & we'd never disrespect her like that. I didn't completely understand it at the time but those men protected me & respected me. It was all about how I carried myself.. . I wasn't to be trifled with nor was I "easy." If you respect yourself & enforce your own boundaries people will accommodate you. Try that. It will help quiet your jealousy because you will attain the confidence to know that you are worth respecting & cherishing. It will also make you less anxious. You will be able to trust more because you know your own worth & what a guy will lose by cheating on you.
elaine567 Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 Commonly people say " guys only become your friends because they are waiting for the opportunity. and soon as opportunity arises, they act". This may or not be true regarding all friendships, but the fact is when opportunity arises some people will act on it, not all but some. The friend scenario presents many "opportunities" for closeness and pursuit under the radar, and that is why it is seen by many as a threat to any relationship.
Author frus69 Posted July 3, 2019 Author Posted July 3, 2019 But D0nni how would you feel if your husband was one of the guys, whom given a chance would smash the hot bar girl, but only didnt because he is married to you? (Not because he doesnt want to, just because he respects you/her or whatever)
Author frus69 Posted July 3, 2019 Author Posted July 3, 2019 The friend scenario presents many "opportunities" for closeness and pursuit under the radar, and that is why it is seen by many as a threat to any relationship. But there gotta also be many that dont see it as a threat otherwise the whole group will be single, unless they ditch their 7 yr old friendship, which is.. ungodly
d0nnivain Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 But D0nni how would you feel if your husband was one of the guys, whom given a chance would smash the hot bar girl, but only didnt because he is married to you? (Not because he doesnt want to, just because he respects you/her or whatever) I assume every person does that. People find other people attractive all the time. It's fleeting. I'd be furious if my SO chased after some other woman or followed her around like a drooling dog but in his own head having the fleeting thought of "I'd do her", I assume that happens at least once per day. I only ever teased DH about it once. We were walking down the street in NYC one winter morning. This woman with huge breasts . . . I'm talking basketballs . . . walked past in a thin, low cut t-shirt, no bra. She was obviously cold & "the girls" were bouncing every which way. I was shocked the T shirt was containing them. It was the only time I ever saw DH actually turn his head to check out a woman. I made some bad joke about how hard that t-shirt was working to contain her. He blushed at having been caught. We talked about her boobs for maybe the rest of the block then moved on. It was funny, not relationship ending. It didn't make him untrustworthy or disloyal. Lord knows I have met men about whom I've momentarily thought "wonder what he's like?". By the time I get home I probably forgot all about the guy. It's meaningless unless the thought turns into action or recurs. I think several of my friends' husbands / SOs are handsome. Doesn't mean I'm trading in DH. DH & I are buying a new sports car. We pick it up this weekend. When DH pulled back into the parking lot after his test drive. . . oh wow, my heart went pitter pat. I would have thrown him on the hood of that car if that wouldn't have been frown on at the dealership. That car is going to be a serious chick magnet & a major panty dropper. Conversely when I'm driving I suspect men will admire the car from afar but give me a wide berth as the car alone telegraphs that I am probably more high maintenance then the vehicle. lol I immediately started looking for where I was going to keep the baseball bat I know I'm going to need to beat the women off my husband. He's a loyal guy so I'm only joking but I can't freak out every time some woman looks at him or that he talks to a woman. The world is filled with people. I do have an icy death glare; I can make even the most predatory woman slink away without much effort. My problem is the gay men who hit on DH. They make me crazy because they don't take "F' you he's mine" for an answer. I also lived with a different guy for 10 years. He was the biggest flirt in the world. Friends of mine would often comment that they wouldn't put up with it. Never bothered me. I was ALWAYS Queen Bee & I knew he was going home with me. Honestly if he flirted & a woman came back too strong for him, he'd run & hide behind me. On the surface he came across as the biggest player. He could play. It's actually one of things I loved about him; that boy could bring the romance. Had I been the jealous type we wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes. Despite all the other problems we had his flirtatious ways were not what broke us up. I promise it really is about knowing your own value. When you master that, the insecurities & the jealousy will fade. 1
salparadise Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 They are saying that's the only opposite sex friends dynamic, that the guy is waiting to smash. And actually lots of guys say that not women. Cuz women actually can have normal guy friends. But they say guys cant for obvious reasons. I will try to stay positive and believe not all guys are waiting to smash.. It's not an either/or type of thing. We are biologically wired to do the deed, and to be attracted to women. However, there are layers of social learning that restrain the animal instincts. So it depends on the person (character, integrity, loyalty), the situation, the degree of attraction, whether or not the other is receptive, whether alcohol is involved and to what degree. It's also true that men and women who were close prior to puberty [usually] don't have sexual attraction for one another (brothers and sisters). But jealousy has persisted to through the millennia, as opposed to being extinguished by evolution, because it serves a purpose; achieves a positive result more often than not. It helps keep people together, which results in more offspring and helps them to prosper. You just seem to have inherited a bit more of the jealousy predilection than most people. Some could be a result of conditioning. You need to realize this and make a conscious effort to not be triggered too easily, and if you are to not overreact. Use rational thinking to calm your feelings. You may also want to speak with your boyfriend and let him know that you are this way, and to please consider that when interacting with the female friends. Also keep in mind that what you feel is not evidence of anything in the objective sense. It's just what you feel. Test it with rational thinking. When the two align, and you see actual evidence to support the feeling, then give it credence. 2
SophieG Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 I made some bad joke about how hard that t-shirt was working to contain her. He blushed at having been caught. We talked about her boobs for maybe the rest of the block then moved on. It was funny, not relationship ending. It didn't make him untrustworthy or disloyal. That’s so me ahaah! One time, there was an extremely attractive woman at the restaurant... like every single man in the place was at least glancing at her. I told my bf : « Her, I’d say yes for a threesome with ». He made an exasperated look. To which I said : « Oh, I get it, you want to keep her to yourself! Want me to get her number for you? ». He just laughed and told me I was a pain in his butt. It was harmless, but he often does the same to me with attractive men. We both trust each other and feel lucky for what we have together. There are plenty of attractive men and women in the world... I just feel lucky that he chose me and keeps making that choice everyday 1
MaleIntuition Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 They are saying that's the only opposite sex friends dynamic, that the guy is waiting to smash. And actually lots of guys say that not women. Cuz women actually can have normal guy friends. But they say guys cant for obvious reasons. I will try to stay positive and believe not all guys are waiting to smash.. What obvious reasons? This types of friend groups are most common among 20-35 year olds. It so happens infidelity is slightly more common among girls for that age group. So what’s your obvious reason again? (And what’s with the term “smash?”)
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 I personally find his behavior disrespectful. Snuggling up to another woman definitely signals sexual attraction. There are many men out there who would simply not get that close out of respect for their gf. Men with close female friends and loose boundaries are a recipe for disaster.
elaine567 Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 I personally find his behavior disrespectful. Men with close female friends and loose boundaries are a recipe for disaster. Of course it is disrespectful, if the poster was male and his gf was snuggling up against Mr "handsome" Close Friend, there would be a chorus of guys here telling us how much she was dissing him... and that there was definitely something going on... 1
kendahke Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 (edited) Not saying it happened to me but just generally, if my bf compliments a girl as "attractive" "cute""pretty" I'd be uncomfortable but other compliments like "nice""kind""smart" is ok. You know what? That is the type of woman who is going to get him away from you, not an attractive, cute or pretty one because if they don't possess a trait that you feel you lack, you're not checking for them. More women are gobsmacked when they discover the woman their man was cheating on them with was a frumpy, unassuming, but nice, sweet, kind sort of gal- why? Because that didn't equal a threat to them. At the end of the day, your boyfriend isn't there to be with a catty, insecure woman who is so easily threatened by women she considers attractive that she's making her boyfriend unpack and sort that for her when it isn't his heavy lift. Is it my jealousy or it's a common feeling?It's your insecurity about you feeling you're somehow discounted, disposable, not good enough because of who you are if you don't win in every moment. Even when a someone is with you and loves you and is doing right by you, none. of. that. negates. them. having. the. right. to. how. they. consider. others. You can't climb into their heads and control their thoughts. Where you do have the legs to stand on is him not employing a filter on his mouth to keep his thoughts to himself, since he knows that you're jealous of the looks of any other woman. For him to keep doing this is him being mean to you in spite of knowing your struggle with it. And you need not start this relationship out with dishonesty. You are dooming your own relationship by your distrust of him being able to handle the truth about you if you can't openly talk to him. I don't get why you'd sink your own interests by omitting the truth to him. Anything based on a lie will fail. Edited July 3, 2019 by kendahke 2
rightondude Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 DH & I are buying a new sports car. We pick it up this weekend. When DH pulled back into the parking lot after his test drive. . . oh wow, my heart went pitter pat. I would have thrown him on the hood of that car if that wouldn't have been frown on at the dealership. That car is going to be a serious chick magnet & a major panty dropper. hey what kind of car is that again?
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 I just don't get everyone's comments. Do people really tolerate this type of behaviour as if it's nothing? If I had a bf and I decided to snuggle up to a 6-pack hottie for a photo - I would actually expect my bf to be pissed off. I would also know that what I am doing is "wrong". Finding other women attractive is normal. Touching them while ignoring the gf is not.
Gaeta Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 I know this is right but gosh is it hard to move past lol .. I suppose it's really my insecurity/distrust playing at the core. Im jealous because I am insecure and distrust. Not that I dont trust my bf in particular, I lack trust in men in general. And it's not even because I had bad experience myself. It's because of all the advice people give about how men are animals. Like they are just incapable of staying loyal and controlling their penis. Same as when I said I dont believe opposite sex friendships, it's not because I got burned myself, it's really because everyone else says so.. Don't you have any positive male figures in your environment? Was your father a cheater? are your brothers cheaters? You sound like you've been brainwashed to think all men are disloyal. You should see into deprogramming these thoughts with professional help otherwise it will rule your life and you will never be fully happy in a relationship. 1
SophieG Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 I just don't get everyone's comments. Do people really tolerate this type of behaviour as if it's nothing? If I had a bf and I decided to snuggle up to a 6-pack hottie for a photo - I would actually expect my bf to be pissed off. I would also know that what I am doing is "wrong". Finding other women attractive is normal. Touching them while ignoring the gf is not. Look, everyone is different. I wouldn’t care. It’s not like he was kissing her, had his hands on her or whatever. It was for a picture. I have pictures that my bestfriend took where her fiancée is hugging me from behind. There’s a picture of my boyfriend and his bestfriend where she has her head on his shoulder and I’m behind them actually all silly. You might have a problem with that, but I don’t! 2
Gaeta Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 I just don't get everyone's comments. Do people really tolerate this type of behaviour as if it's nothing? If I had a bf and I decided to snuggle up to a 6-pack hottie for a photo - I would actually expect my bf to be pissed off. I would also know that what I am doing is "wrong". Finding other women attractive is normal. Touching them while ignoring the gf is not. Out of 8 pages maybe 2 people including you find this unacceptable so maybe you're the exception and we're the norm. It was a picture, it takes 5 seconds to take a picture. What did he do exactly? put his arms around her waist, put his cheek on hers, for a 5 seconds picture! I really don't see the big deal. 2
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 I just don't get everyone's comments. Do people really tolerate this type of behaviour as if it's nothing? what would you do if you were in the exact position as frus? 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 what would you do if you were in the exact position as frus? When I was young and naive, I tried to calmly say that it bothered me. Of course, I was called jealous/insecure etc. Now, I would just move on. People don't change. There are touchy/flirty/ "lots of female friends" types of men and there are more conservative ones. I stay away from touchy/flirty. It's even worse that this is happening in the first few months of dating, during a honeymoon period when men are at their best behaviour.
Gaeta Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 Now, I would just move on. People don't change. There are touchy/flirty/ "lots of female friends" types of men and there are more conservative ones. I stay away from touchy/flirty. I understand your position on the general matter and your generalized distrust in men but in this case here, you're ready to label this man has touchy/flirty because of 1 isolated incident of 5 seconds! 2
MaleIntuition Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 When I was young and naive, I tried to calmly say that it bothered me. Of course, I was called jealous/insecure etc. Now, I would just move on. People don't change. There are touchy/flirty/ "lots of female friends" types of men and there are more conservative ones. I stay away from touchy/flirty. It's even worse that this is happening in the first few months of dating, during a honeymoon period when men are at their best behaviour. The only thing that “happened” was that OP doesn’t know how to pose for a picture with a group of people. 3
d0nnivain Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 what would you do if you were in the exact position as frus? I would have moved in for the photo & not given this a 2nd thought. I would probably also go out of my way to befriend this woman so she knows whose BF her buddy is, mine not hers. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 I asked eternal specifically what she would have done because she mentioned how appalled she was that people were "tolerating" frus bf behavior so I wondered what her course of action would have been
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 3, 2019 Posted July 3, 2019 I understand your position on the general matter and your generalized distrust in men but in this case here, you're ready to label this man has touchy/flirty because of 1 isolated incident of 5 seconds! imo I think breaking up would be a bit extreme and I personally wouldn't end a relationship over it. but I understand the mindset of deciding something is not for you and ending the relationship. she decided she doesnt want to deal with a guy who has female friends or at the least interact with females in that way. she decided to not talk about how she feels because of how its normally received by guys in her past. but she also decided to not just pretend everything is fine when thats not how she feels and stay and hold her tongue. she instead decides to end the relationship and try to be with guys who dont have these type of friendships. if I was dating a guy and found out he had a female friend that was too touchy feely and he was the same way. she pops up whenever and is just super huggy in general and he is huggy back. this doesnt mean he wants to have sex with her, it doesnt mean she wants him back, this does not mean he is going to cheat on me....it doesnt mean anything except she is super touchy and boyfriend seems to be okay with it. well in that 5 seconds 5 minutes whatever I would still probably come to the decision that says "yea nah im good lol" and wont stick around and find out what it all means and not want to date this guy. of course frus bf is not the same thing in my mind because I personally wouldnt break up if I was in a relationship and this happens but I understand someone seeing something and determine instant incompatibility
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