Bf and his female friend

July 2, 2019

I also suspect that many men would not like it if the tables were turned

Besides crispy lol. I genuinely believe he would not take issue based on the posts I’ve seen. He seems to be very open minded in general.

Haha thanks Yeah I wouldn't give a flying F. Jealousy is a natural feeling but that doesn't mean it's right and if you can't get over it, you'll push your partner into the arms of someone crispier and most butterier than you. I learned that the hard way in the past and I earned it.

July 2, 2019

Is posing very close to your opposite sex friends crossing the boundary then?
like this close, but imagine just two of them not a group.
http://www.comedycentral.co.uk/sites/default/files/styles/image-w-1200-h-600-scale-crop/public/cc_uk/arc/2014/05/27/f8bf5a4f-0745-45e6-b57a-3cc95f1bd3cf.jpg?itok=NkIlGMeb

No I would not consider that crossing a boundary since the intent was not sexual, and moreso because of how long they've known each other and the context of the group.

July 2, 2019

Yes, I could have moved closer or gave my bf a hug and a big smile and the pic would turn out to look a lot better for me. Yes , *I* could make it look like we are a couple and she is a good friend and it will be a very nice photo. but I was expecting him

Expectations are future resentments under construction.

July 2, 2019

Is posing very close to your opposite sex friends crossing the boundary then?
like this close, but imagine just two of them not a group.
http://www.comedycentral.co.uk/sites/default/files/styles/image-w-1200-h-600-scale-crop/public/cc_uk/arc/2014/05/27/f8bf5a4f-0745-45e6-b57a-3cc95f1bd3cf.jpg?itok=NkIlGMeb

Well as I said before I am skeptical of platonic friendships. So I try to avoid men who have them. But if I just so happen to be in a relationship with a boyfriend who have them I wouldn’t think him taking a photo with a group of friends like that is crossing a boundary for me.

But the scenario you described in your original post I would do as I already mentioned to you earlier which is nothing but observe or say how I feel if there is multiple occurrences of “wtf”.

Now I’m humming that theme song damnit

July 2, 2019

When I was young, I also got jealous when my then bf said to me "Megan Fox is hot".
Yes that's why I know I am a crazy jealous person lol but hey Im a lot better now.

Is this because you feel you should be the sole focus of the attention of the people you surround yourself with?

July 2, 2019

^^i expect to be the no.1 focus of the attention of my bf

Edit: I expect to always be the No.1 focus of the attention of my BF when there are other females around. If there's no female im chill.

I'd say I generally am except when the photo was taken. I thought/expected he would take me together to pose close to her rather than going himself. He seemed to have forgotten about me that moment so I got jealous/upset.. Maybe he did forget about me, or maybe he thought I'd come myself, I dont know.

I think if he took me, I wouldnt mind they pose that close. Or if he didnt take me and didnt pose that close, I wouldnt mind either. But the combination made me jealous.

To give him some credit he did come back to me afterwards so it's not like he stayed close to her.

Edited July 2, 2019 by frus69

July 2, 2019

^^i expect to be the no.1 focus of the attention of my bf

Edit: I expect to always be the No.1 focus of the attention of my BF when there are other females around. If there's no female im chill.

I'd say I generally am except when the photo was taken. I thought/expected he would take me together to pose close to her rather than going himself. He seemed to have forgotten about me that moment so I got jealous/upset.. Or maybe he thought I'd come myself.

To give him some credit he did come back to me afterwards so it's not like he stayed close to her.

His friends threw a whole party for you! And you're getting jealous because you weren't the center of his attention for the duration of a photo. How do you think your man would feel if he saw this thread?

Well you better get over it quick or his friends will be celebrating when he’s no longer dating the whacko who made their friend miserable because she couldn’t get past her jealousy issues.

July 2, 2019

^^i expect to be the no.1 focus of the attention of my bf

yeah, I got that, but I asked about other people you surround yourself with since you brought up that example.

I'd say I generally am expect when the photo was taken. I thought he would take me together to pose close to her rather than going himself. To give him some credit he did come back to me afterwards so it's not like he stayed close to her.

But wasn't everyone drinking? Drinking does disconnect one's thoughts, especially if they've had more than one. Meaning: since he's known her for faaaar longer than he's known you, by habit and familiarity, she's who he closed in on. It wasn't malicious or intentional--it was a moment that's over now.

I could see your agitation if he stuck to her like glue and ignored you for the rest of the night--but nothing remotely like that happened, yet this has been needlessly blown up to those proportions.

Expectations are future resentments under construction.

July 2, 2019

His friends threw a whole party for you! And you're getting jealous because you weren't the center of his attention for the duration of a photo. How do you think your man would feel if he saw this thread?

That's why he can never know .. The reason Im posting and self-soothing here is I dont want him to see my crazy side lol

well his friends didnt throw a party for me..The party was to meet me but also was for everyone to hang out and have a good time. Everyone was their own centre of attention and I was def not queen B there and I def dont ask to be

July 2, 2019

yeah, I got that, but I asked about other people you surround yourself with since you brought up that example.

.

No I dont ask to be everyone's centre of attention. Only the BF. And to be completely honest if bf compliments other girls looks or speaks about other girls in an endearing way I get jealous too

July 2, 2019

One thing to think about is if the party was a way to meet his friends and vice versa, I think a lot of people would have approached the party in a "giving" mood...ie you are there to socialize with his friends, make a good impression and get to know each other....maybe for that night you could have taken the focus off of needing the intensity of being no 1 to him. Idk, I think that is kinda of a smothering need in a way.

Not specifically toward you but I think a lot of people with these sorts of issues can't step outside of themselves to give of themselves to others--which really doesn't only mean his friends in this case, it also means by making a good and friendly impression, you make him look good too. I sometimes think there is some self-absorption that insecurity causes in some people. TBH, in this situation had I been in your shoes, I would be more worried that I missed an opportunity to bond with his friends which as you stated is important to him and the progression of your relationship. I don't know whether you did or didn't bond with them sufficiently. I do know that how one is feeling rarely goes unnoticed however--because of nonverbal communication being the majority of the vibe that gets out, it's hard to hide what's going on in your head. This is a very good reason to work on your insecurity and jealousy. It is or will get in the way of other important things; it's self-focused at a detriment to relationships in your life. Just another perspective of the issue to consider.

July 2, 2019

No I dont ask to be everyone's centre of attention. Only the BF. And to be completely honest if bf compliments other girls looks or speaks about other girls in an endearing way I get jealous too

He's allowed to acknowledge the positives in other women just like you are allowed to acknowledge the positives in other men. From the sound of it he is not fawning over them so its not really rational to be jealous.

That's why he can never know .. The reason Im posting and self-soothing here is I dont want him to see my crazy side lol

well his friends didnt throw a party for me..The party was to meet me but also was for everyone to hang out and have a good time. Everyone was their own centre of attention and I was def not queen B there and I def dont ask to be

This tells me that you understand how the way you are getting jealous and possessive is not rational. It positively speaks volumes that you even have that self awareness because many others don't. I hope that you can maintain that self awareness in the moment in the future because the way that you describe him, he sounds like a solid guy with a solid group of friends.

July 2, 2019

He's allowed to acknowledge the positives in other women just like you are allowed to acknowledge the positives in other men. From the sound of it he is not fawning over them so its not really rational to be jealous.

Not saying it happened to me but just generally, if my bf compliments a girl as "attractive" "cute""pretty" I'd be uncomfortable but other compliments like "nice""kind""smart" is ok. Is it my jealousy or it's a common feeling?

I always avoid complimenting other guys to BFs..

July 2, 2019

Not saying it happened to me but just generally, if my bf compliments a girl as "attractive" "cute""pretty" I'd be uncomfortable but other compliments like "nice""kind""smart" is ok. Is it my jealousy or it's a common feeling?

I always avoid complimenting other guys to BFs..

It’s your insecurity more so than your jealousy.

July 2, 2019

Not saying it happened to me but just generally, if my bf compliments a girl as "attractive" "cute""pretty" I'd be uncomfortable but other compliments like "nice""kind""smart" is ok. Is it my jealousy or it's a common feeling?

I always avoid complimenting other guys to BFs..

If my lady had a male friend, classmate, coworker, etc and she was fawning over him, I might feel a little threatened but I wouldn't let it show. If it happened a lot I'd be questioning the relationship. If she made a casual mention about a mutual friend or even some random guy on the street, it would be different and I might even express agreement. There's definitely a difference between a casual observation and wagging ones tongue like a dog, and the context is very important. Like if it's a romantic outing I want the focus to be on me. Still even then it's contextual but I don't really feel like going into details about all the situations where I'd feel one way or the other because ultimately that is up to the individual. I just try to keep an open mind and recognize when things that could be misinterpreted are really innocent actions and not let it get to me because hell, at the end of the day, I'm the one having mind blowing sex, cuddling up, and sleeping with her.

Edited July 2, 2019 by crispytoast

July 2, 2019

Are you really trying to say jealousy isn’t a normal emotion

Of course not, jealousy is a legitimate feeling but in this case it's overblown, even OP admits she is jealous at silly little things that she shouldn't.

that many people feel when cheated on simply because you didn’t have those feelings when you got cheated on?

Where did you read I wasn't feeling jealous when I found out I was being cheated on? Of course I felt jealousy and pain, I am a human being lol. What I did though is DEAL with this bad experience and did not carry it into my following relationship.

Or are you referring to someone being jealous towards other partners after being cheated on?

Yes

Because the statement I made was referring to how a person who got cheated on feels during the time it happened. Those feelings of jealousy isn’t just “possessiveness or control” is my point

Then it's my mistake I understood it as you meant it's normal to carry jealousy to the next relatoinship. OP has already confirmed her problem is one of possessiveness. Edited July 2, 2019 by Gaeta

July 2, 2019

When you are saying you feel that way when your bf says that someone is pretty or cute, but not compliments that have to do with intelligence or kindness, again it points to your insecurity (about looks it seems).

I do think (you can do the research) there is a biological component to feeling like another female is going to steal your mammal so maybe you can mentally acknowledge this is a big part of the reason you have these jealous thoughts and then actively move on from the thoughts.

The irony is that in the modern world guys often leave their partner because her jealousy is stifling and ruins the relationship. They often leave for partners that are not at all better looking but have better outlook on life--more fun, nicer, kinder and smarter. Someone will always be better looking than you and someone will always not be as pretty as you. Not to mention that is subjective depending on the guy and it's not fixed even with one guy who over time will attach to the personality and the bonds you create rather than initial attractiveness. Your need to control who he thinks is attractive will never be satisfied so you need to find a way internally to let that go or move past it.

July 2, 2019

IFor two they know each other 7 years now, not 7 months.

Then he is buried so deep in the Friend Zone after 7 years that there is probably no chance he could form anything romantic with her if he wanted to.

July 3, 2019

Your need to control who he thinks is attractive will never be satisfied so you need to find a way internally to let that go or move past it.

I know this is right but gosh is it hard to move past lol ..

I suppose it's really my insecurity/distrust playing at the core. Im jealous because I am insecure and distrust. Not that I dont trust my bf in particular, I lack trust in men in general. And it's not even because I had bad experience myself. It's because of all the advice people give about how men are animals. Like they are just incapable of staying loyal and controlling their penis. Same as when I said I dont believe opposite sex friendships, it's not because I got burned myself, it's really because everyone else says so..

Then there is the famous "just trust your gut". I wonder when Im in a jealous or anxious mood, can it still be right? Or should I analyse the facts instead? I know I often have gut feelings that someone lost interest in me, but turned out I was wrong..

Grr, just need to vent lol

July 3, 2019

I know this is right but gosh is it hard to move past lol ..

I suppose it's really my insecurity/distrust playing at the core. Im jealous because I am insecure and distrust. Not that I dont trust my bf in particular, I lack trust in men in general. And it's not even because I had bad experience myself. It's because of all the advice people give about how men are animals. Like they are just incapable of staying loyal and controlling their penis. Same as when I said I dont believe opposite sex friendships, it's not because I got burned myself, it's really because everyone else says so..

Then there is the famous "just trust your gut". I wonder when Im in a jealous or anxious mood, can it still be right? Or should I analyse the facts instead? I know I often have gut feelings that someone lost interest in me, but turned out I was wrong..

Grr, just need to vent lol

You probably don’t even realise how insulting that attitude is, do you? All men are animals? I don’t give a **** if it’s because someone online said so. Do you automatically believe everything you read from anonymous strangers online?

Perhaps this attitude is a consequence of not having any opposite sex friends? Somehow men becomes animals? The reality is that the differences within the gender groups are bigger than the differences between the groups when it comes to personality, values and moral. Healthy individuals are perfectly capable of controlling their desires; infidelity is a choice.

Having group of friends, some of whom are of the opposite gender, has to be the norm these days unless you grew up in a strict religious society somewhere. I can’t even come up with a single reason why that should be a negative. I mean seriously, just think about that for a few moments; having female friends should be interpreted in a positive way! You think he would still be their friend if he treated women like trash? Rather stay away from guys whom can’t socialise with both genders. It’s not like they are hanging out 1on1 and are bffs.

July 3, 2019

i can’t even come up with a single reason why that should be a negative.

Commonly people say " guys only become your friends because they are waiting for the opportunity. and soon as opportunity arises, they act".

On one hand I agree with you. Opposite sex friendships gotta be normal. But on the other hand it's disappointing to hear lots of people say negative things about it ..maybe, many people are just very close minded?

July 3, 2019

frus69

Start looking at facts not what you think is true or what people tell you should be true in generalizations.

Most people I know are genuine & loyal folks -- men & women. Sure there are outliers but they are the exceptions.

The idea that a man can have a sexual thought about a woman doesn't make him a bad person, an animal or untrustworthy. It's all about how the person deals with the thought. I love my husband & think he's amazing. If I see a handsome man on the street & think gee he's cute, my marriage is not in trouble. Understand?

If you are dating somebody who gives you reasons to be jealous -- constantly flirting with other women, sexting other women, talking about other women's body parts -- get rid of him. Don't go bashing an entire gender over one bad apple.

July 3, 2019

Commonly people say " guys only become your friends because they are waiting for the opportunity. and soon as opportunity arises, they act".
On one hand I agree with you. Opposite sex friendships gotta be normal. But on the other hand it's disappointing to hear lots of people say negative things about it ..maybe, many people are just very close minded?

Not in this form of friend group dynamic. What you refer to is the consequence of (mostly) younger inexperienced boys whom think that girls want a friendship first approach, and/or they are afraid of rejection and therefore gets stuck in the dreaded friend zone. Yes it’s a form of dishonesty, and it very rarely works well for the boys, but the only opportunity they are waiting for is for the women to miraculously fall in love with them.

Close minded, set on their opinions, unable to see things from more than one perspective. Call it what you want. One thing that’s for sure though, is that LS is biased with way more anxious and insecure women than normal.

July 3, 2019

I lack trust in men in general. And it's not even because I had bad experience myself. It's because of all the advice people give about how men are animals. Like they are just incapable of staying loyal and controlling their penis. Same as when I said I dont believe opposite sex friendships, it's not because I got burned myself, it's really because everyone else says so..

Then there is the famous "just trust your gut". I wonder when Im in a jealous or anxious mood, can it still be right? Or should I analyse the facts instead? I know I often have gut feelings that someone lost interest in me, but turned out I was wrong..

Grr, just need to vent lol

what exactly is your relationship history like because I find it hard to believe that you would cleave to such negative advice only because of others and not what you go through personally?

if you really had an amazing love life with men why on earth would you believe that men are anything but amazing just because other people say so?

and when it comes to trust your gut...trusting your gut doesnt mean making a rash decision when you get a feeling something is wrong.

that gut feeling may propel you to observe more, give it more time to see if anything else confirms what your feeling, to simply keep your eyes open.

I feel like you take many things out of context which is screwing with your own head

July 3, 2019

Not in this form of friend group dynamic. What you refer to is the consequence of (mostly) younger inexperienced boys whom think that girls want a friendship first approach, and/or they are afraid of rejection and therefore gets stuck in the dreaded friend zone. Yes it’s a form of dishonesty, and it very rarely works well for the boys, but the only opportunity they are waiting for is for the women to miraculously fall in love with them.

Close minded, set on their opinions, unable to see things from more than one perspective. Call it what you want. One thing that’s for sure though, is that LS is biased with way more anxious and insecure women than normal.

They are saying that's the only opposite sex friends dynamic, that the guy is waiting to smash. And actually lots of guys say that not women. Cuz women actually can have normal guy friends. But they say guys cant for obvious reasons.

I will try to stay positive and believe not all guys are waiting to smash..

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